It's Time to Let It Burn

[Joseph Sweeney]

Hey all,

I really just need to get some crap off my chest, and out of every place or person I could confide in, I just feel so much more comfortable pouring out my heart right here. I hope you all won't judge too much.

As of today, I have lost the best friend of the past four years of my life. Now before anyone jumps to conclusions, no she did not die. She is dead to me, she no longer has a place in my heart or among my thoughts, but she lives on in good health of body and of mind.

I suppose we became best friends the day she walked into swim practice to join my swim team. She was funny, sarcastic, sweet at times, always cheerful, and very talkative. Within an instant we were friends, and in a few days we were best friends. Friendships like these are rare, and a treasure to be a part of. We had so much fun together, we both knew the others deepest secrets,their current love interest, and the gossip that circulated throughout each of our friend groups. We were tight, and had each other's backs through thick and thin, and could easily know what the other was thinking in any given situation.

Now of course, being so close we were bound to bump heads and have off days. However, this typically resulted in her getting angry and me ending up trying to repair the damage, even if it wasn't my fault (you married folks probably know what that's like ). During this four year period I never once yelled at her or lost my temper. I always treated her with the utmost love and care because she was, in all respects save blood, my family.

One day this summer that impressive streak was broken. An argument between me and a friend got violent and my best friend stepped between us, sadly I blew up on her. I yelled at her and swore at her and many regrettable words were uttered. It took me about an hour to cool off and realize I was wrong, so I went and apologized to her. I did so on four occasions following the incident. I did so sincerely and with the utmost remorse. Begrudgingly, she finally forgave me.

After being forgiven, I couldn't help but think about all the times she blew up on me, and just how willing and happy I always was to forgive her. After all, we were best friends, how could I not forgive her? I thought about just how unfair this was, but then I recalled that this particular event is my fault, and I shouldn't be thinking about past events where she may have been wrong. Regardless of how I may have handled things with her previously, this was a separate issue and the previous problems are not related to it.

I tried talking to her and she seemed cold and stiff and I understood our relationship was strained and if not repaired with care, would soon collapse. So I set about rebuilding; after all, shouldn't I try and repair this amazing friendship? Today I texted her and was having a decent conversation, until things begin to move down hill, before I knew it we had hit a verticle drop... but this time it was not my fault. She made a comment, a comment about my personal life, a comment that she knew was sensitive. She cuts open this wound and proceeded to cascade salt into the gash she had reopened. This time something snapped, I left the tab in which we were texting and have not responded nor will I respond to her again. She had my heart as my best friend, I forgave her many times and accepted her with open arms when she was at fault. But when I was at fault she begrudgingly extended amnesty. And then as I worked ferishly to repair our broken friendship she spat in my face.

It's hard to invest so much love into someone only to be returned with contempt. The person whom I loved most yesterday, I hate most today. I know I have my faults, I know I have done my fair share of harm, but I did not ruin this friendship; she did, and it's time to let it burn.

~JS, sadly watching the ashes