Thanks

[Wanderer999]

You're welcome Dysole, now come support my Kickstarter! LOL!

[Heroscaper Guy]

Originally Posted by Dysole

So I'm making progress but the road isn't exactly easy. At this point I'm really in a spot where I could use whatever prayer (or whatever that might mean for your particular set of beliefs) you can send my way. I'm not really in a spot where I think I'm comfortable talking about it publicly or privately but I'm quite confident I need all the support I can get. Thanks.

~Dysole, updatingly

Dysole, you will be in my prayers and thoughts. Also, don't feel pressured to talk about what you don't want to. That's something that you have to decide when you want to do so yourself.

[Dad_Scaper]

Originally Posted by Dysole

So I'm making progress but the road isn't exactly easy. At this point I'm really in a spot where I could use whatever prayer (or whatever that might mean for your particular set of beliefs) you can send my way. I'm not really in a spot where I think I'm comfortable talking about it publicly or privately but I'm quite confident I need all the support I can get. Thanks.

~Dysole, updatingly

Hey, Dysole.


Thanks for the update. There's no need to share something you're not comfortable sharing. You're ok by me, whatever's going on, and you already have within you what you need to push onward.


Thank you for letting us know you're looking for encouragement, and if you do so again and I don't respond, it's only because I missed the post. So shoot me a PM, and I'll remind you that you can do it.

[Taeblewalker]

I hope everything works out for you.

[William099]

Originally Posted by Dysole

So I'm making progress but the road isn't exactly easy. At this point I'm really in a spot where I could use whatever prayer (or whatever that might mean for your particular set of beliefs) you can send my way. I'm not really in a spot where I think I'm comfortable talking about it publicly or privately but I'm quite confident I need all the support I can get. Thanks.

~Dysole, updatingly

Got your back bud! You hang in there!

[davidlhsl]

Originally Posted by Dysole

So I'm making progress but the road isn't exactly easy. At this point I'm really in a spot where I could use whatever prayer (or whatever that might mean for your particular set of beliefs) you can send my way. I'm not really in a spot where I think I'm comfortable talking about it publicly or privately but I'm quite confident I need all the support I can get. Thanks.

~Dysole, updatingly

I'll send my own prayers in your direction. I'm familiar with your amazing contributions in the C3G project.


Don't worry about sharing publicly, either. Sometimes it's nice to have a safe haven where you can walk away from your troubles, and this community certainly has the most amazing people I run into in cyberspace.


May you be well. May you be at peace. May you be free from suffering. (one of the loving-kindness meditation statements, as I've gotten into mindfulness recently)

[Dysole]

So,

I probably don't need to do this but I have a number of reasons for wanting to do so. I've been fairly vague up until now but I will share where I've been these past several months as this community has earned my trust and like I said, I have other reasons for wanting to do this that I'll get into later.

So as alluded to earlier in this thread, I have been dealing with depression since sometime last summer (it may have been earlier than that but that was the first time I was aware of it probably being exacerbated by loneliness I was feeling at that time due to taking an internship pretty far away from any major connections). I thought it was gone after returning to the Oregon area but after having to call my mom from the side of the road in tears in Octoberish because I was having suicidal thoughts I entered therapy to help deal with this and for the first time ever in my life actually began to unpack stuff.

My default method for dealing with the unpleasant is to toss it into a little box and throw it in the corner of my head and hope it goes away. Because of this I had built up a large store of stuff that began to come out in therapy. Eventually, sometime in January I hit upon something that was affecting a lot of stuff going on with me (depression, suicidal thoughts, addiction concerns, low self-esteem). I realized that I was trans. (The specific label I have been using is genderfluid as it's the most accurate to my situation even if not a perfect descriptor.) However, due to a number of reasons I had always assumed that part of me was wrong. If you keep feeding yourself that message for long enough, eventually the message turns from "This part is wrong" into "I am wrong." Essentially, I had convinced myself I wasn't deserving of acceptance (at least from other people) because deep down I was broken and unlovable. I didn't fit the "man" box and would never be able to. So I locked away that part of me and fit into the box as best I could. The ripples of that took years to surface (and likely because I was surrounded by enough people and "stuff" I was able to not have to worry about it as long as I kept a guard up to keep people from finding out) and I can still feel the scars from them. (for example, both some bad habits and depression that stemmed from the negative thoughts and no real outlet still linger with me and the depression has sapped so much out of me that what was supposed to take 3 months for finishing up grad school has dragged out into a 9 month+ affair)

The good news is that since coming to terms with all of this, opening up to family and friends about my situation (who have all been supportive even if they don't fully understand), and allowing myself not to feel like I have to conform to a particular box, my life has definitely taken an upswing. I have no idea what my future holds or looks like but there's a general upward trend even if I still have a lot of baggage I need to shed.

This community was a wonderful escape from the depression and the general confusion when I was figuring out my gender identity and the fear I had between realizing I was trans and actually explaining that to others. So again thank you for that. My brain needed it and so did my soul. Several people on here (those I know personally, several CoNners, and the OHS team) I spoke to about this and all were supportive and I thank them for that.

One of the reasons I bring this up is that I am going to Gencon this year and will probably be meeting several of you in person. There is a very good likelihood that my gender presentation may be atypical from what you'd expect. I don't really anticipate any problems but I'd rather have it out in the open now than surprise people at Gencon and can probably get any conversations taken care of before then (although I may still have to have them there but it'd be nice to just focus on gaming as this has already taken up a lot of brainspace).

I don't know where my future will lead. I haven't even figured out what pronouns I want. (It's weird because sometimes certain pronouns or gendered expressions like "Sir" increase dysphoria and sometimes I don't even notice them {although admittedly I have been avoiding referring to myself by any pronoun for a couple months now}) However, this community has shown me that regardless of who I am or where I end up, there's always a place at the Scape table for me. So thanks for listening. Thanks for being there. Look forward to seeing some of you at Gencon. Look forward to continuing to interact with you on the site. Thanks.

~Dysole, appreciatively

[Heroscaper Guy]

Originally Posted by Dysole

So,

I probably don't need to do this but I have a number of reasons for wanting to do so. I've been fairly vague up until now but I will share where I've been these past several months as this community has earned my trust and like I said, I have other reasons for wanting to do this that I'll get into later.

So as alluded to earlier in this thread, I have been dealing with depression since sometime last summer (it may have been earlier than that but that was the first time I was aware of it probably being exacerbated by loneliness I was feeling at that time due to taking an internship pretty far away from any major connections). I thought it was gone after returning to the Oregon area but after having to call my mom from the side of the road in tears in Octoberish because I was having suicidal thoughts I entered therapy to help deal with this and for the first time ever in my life actually began to unpack stuff.

My default method for dealing with the unpleasant is to toss it into a little box and throw it in the corner of my head and hope it goes away. Because of this I had built up a large store of stuff that began to come out in therapy. Eventually, sometime in January I hit upon something that was affecting a lot of stuff going on with me (depression, suicidal thoughts, addiction concerns, low self-esteem). I realized that I was trans. (The specific label I have been using is genderfluid as it's the most accurate to my situation even if not a perfect descriptor. However, due to a number of reasons I had always assumed that part of me was wrong. If you keep feeding yourself that message for long enough, eventually the message turns from "This part is wrong" into "I am wrong." Essentially, I had convinced myself I wasn't deserving of acceptance (at least from other people) because deep down I was broken and unlovable. I didn't fit the "man" box and would never be able to. So I locked away that part of me and fit into the box as best I could. The ripples of that took years to surface (and likely because I was surrounded by enough people and "stuff" I was able to not have to worry about it as long as I kept a guard up to keep people from finding out) and I can still feel the scars from them. (for example, both some bad habits and depression that stemmed from the negative thoughts and no real outlet still linger with me and the depression has sapped so much out of me that what was supposed to take 3 months for finishing up grad school has dragged out into a 9 month+ affair)

The good news is that since coming to terms with all of this, opening up to family and friends about my situation (who have all been supportive even if they don't fully understand), and allowing myself not to feel like I have to conform to a particular box, my life has definitely taken an upswing. I have no idea what my future holds or looks like but there's a general upward trend even if I still have a lot of baggage I need to shed.

This community was a wonderful escape from the depression and the general confusion when I was figuring out my gender identity and the fear I had between realizing I was trans and actually explaining that to others. So again thank you for that. My brain needed it and so did my soul. Several people on here (those I know personally, several CoNners, and the OHS team) I spoke to about this and all were supportive and I thank them for that.

One of the reasons I bring this up is that I am going to Gencon this year and will probably be meeting several of you in person. There is a very good likelihood that my gender presentation may be atypical from what you'd expect. I don't really anticipate any problems but I'd rather have it out in the open now than surprise people at Gencon and can probably get any conversations taken care of before then (although I may still have to have them there but it'd be nice to just focus on gaming as this has already taken up a lot of brainspace).

I don't know where my future will lead. I haven't even figured out what pronouns I want. (It's weird because sometimes certain pronouns or gendered expressions like "Sir" increase dysphoria and sometimes I don't even notice them {although admittedly I have been avoiding referring to myself by any pronoun for a couple months now}) However, this community has shown me that regardless of who I am or where I end up, there's always a place at the Scape table for me. So thanks for listening. Thanks for being there. Look forward to seeing some of you at Gencon. Look forward to continuing to interact with you on the site. Thanks.

~Dysole, appreciatively

Thank you for telling your story. It's good that your family and friends are supportive of your identity. I believe that much like sexual alignment being a spectrum, your gender identity is along those lines as well. It is always good to hear of people being accepted for who they are inside and not having to conform to certain people's ideals. I just wanna say that you have given me inspiration about myself further (although I want to wait until the right time to tell my friends and family) and thank you for that.

[Dysole]

Originally Posted by Heroscaper Guy

Thank you for telling your story. It's good that your family and friends are supportive of your identity. I believe that much like sexual alignment being a spectrum, your gender identity is along those lines as well. It is always good to hear of people being accepted for who they are inside and not having to conform to certain people's ideals. I just wanna say that you have given me inspiration about myself further (although I want to wait until the right time to tell my friends and family) and thank you for that.

Glad to hear it. If you ever need an ear, I'm here. I know how helpful it can be to have someone listen. Might not have made it this far without that.

~Dysole, still wandering around and figuring stuff out

[Sherman Davies]

Originally Posted by Dysole

The good news is that since coming to terms with all of this, opening up to family and friends about my situation (who have all been supportive even if they don't fully understand)...

I'm very glad to hear that those closest to you have been supportive, Dysole. Understanding is overrated; I don't think most of us even 100% understand ourselves, let alone another human being whose headspace we don't occupy, so support is often the best we can ask for.

Heroscaper Guy, I hope you have as much luck as Dysole when your time comes.

[Dad_Scaper]

I was asked once at a job interview how I would address someone who was trans, if I encountered the person in my professional capacity. "I would ask what the person's preference is. Isn't that just good manners?" I mean, isn't it obvious that people should just treat each other with respect?

So. Congrats for finding some peace within yourself, and thank you for sharing. It's good for everyone. For yourself, for us who are settled, for those of us (lurkers included) who may not be. Be patient with yourself, be patient with everyone else, etc. etc.

Now get back to online testing for C3V, please, because it's been lagging, and this is a lousy excuse.

[Dysole]

Originally Posted by Dad_Scaper

Now get back to online testing for C3V, please, because it's been lagging, and this is a lousy excuse.

Grad school is winding down and it's one of the things I'm looking forward to having more time to do here very soon.

~Dysole, with some fun ideas for the stuff in Public Playtesting right now