Marriage jokes

[SilverBlade]

Nothing original here but these sure are funny:

RULES DON'T ALWAYS WORK THE WAY YOU THOUGHT THEY WOULD...
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."


LOVE IS BEING REMEMBERED:
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Husband--Stiff At Last.'"


WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND ...AND HITS YOU IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD!
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.

After some time he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer th e phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?"

"Getting a second opinion!"


SOME THINGS YOU SHOULD KEEP TO YOURSELF:
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling
his wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it IS time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, "Any time you're ready, Father of Four."


THE SILENT TREATMENT
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AMfor an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AMand he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

[bad_calvin]

This kind of fits into your topic.

Whenever I have a friend or relative that is tying the knot, I buy them a "sympathy" card, or "Sorry for your loss" card. Usually the significant other does not find it as funny as I do.

[deadeyedan42]

Nice one[s] !

[Ryougabot]

THE BOTTLE OF WINE

Sally was driving home from one of her business
Trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly
Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped
The car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like
A ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into
The car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make
A bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old
Woman just sat silently, looking intently at
Everything she saw, studying every little detail,
Until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to
Sally.

"What in bag?" asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's
A bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or Two.

Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder,
She said:

"Good trade....."

[player_of_volleyball]

Originally Posted by SilverBlade

SOME THINGS YOU SHOULD KEEP TO YOURSELF:
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling
his wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it IS time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, "Any time you're ready, Father of Four."

ha i like this one

[krai]

I have one



Marriage is like a box of chocolates

It is really expensive

HILARIOUS!

[Codeman]

Marriage is a great institution…….. if you like institutions

[Onacara]

A man was driving down the road with his wife in the backseat when he took a turn really sharp and his wife fell out the door.

The driver behind him saw this and sped up to stop the seemingly oblivious man. After getting him to roll down his window he shouted at him... HEY MAN....YOUR WIFE FELL OUT FO THE CAR!!!!!!!!

The man shouted back...OH THANK GOD.....I THOUGHT I WAS GOING DEAF

[Supergeek]

Originally Posted by Codeman

Marriage is a great institution…….. if you like institutions

Ha, I was intitutionalized once. Never again!