The Book of Batwoman

[Lazy Orang]

Originally Posted by japes

I personally think this is a very well written bio that hits the highlights.

Agreed, though I personally have no experience of the character save what I found on Wikipedia when testing her - good job.

[laughing matter]

Originally Posted by Lazy Orang

Agreed, though I personally have no experience of the character save what I found on Wikipedia when testing her - good job.

Thanks!

[quozl]

Fixed some grammatical issues:

Once a soldier, always a soldier. The daughter of a respected United States Colonel, Kate Kane spent her entire life fighting, especially after the tragic loss of her mother and twin sister. After being kicked out of the United States Military Academy for refusing to comply with the Don't Ask Don't Tell policy, Kate returned to Gotham City and lived somewhat aimlessly until a chance meeting with Batman and the sight of the Bat-Signal inspired her. Using her training and stolen military technology, Kate became Batwoman. She had found a new fight in the war against crime and corruption.

[laughing matter]

Yeah, but that leaves out any direct mention of
a) her sexuality
b) what the Don't Ask Don't Tell policy actually was; since people in the future might not be familiar with the rule
c)Kate's option to return to the military and her choice of the cowl over the armed forces, which I feel shows a lot of her character in and of itself

Besides, I don't see what grammatical errors you mean. Grammarly said my post was fine, and all my commas were used properly, so what's the deal?

[L0B5T3R]

Originally Posted by laughing matter

@TrollBrute I think this bio should work, and it uses the helpful suggestions from the comments above.

Once a soldier, always a soldier. The daughter of a respected United States Colonel, Kate Kane spent her entire life fighting, especially after the tragic loss of her mother and twin sister. After being kicked out of the United States Military Academy for refusing to lie, under the Don't Ask Don't Tell policy, about her sexuality. Kate returned to Gotham City and lived somewhat aimlessly. Until a chance meeting with Batman and the sight of the Bat-Signal inspired her. Using her training and stolen military technology, Kate became Batwoman. Despite having being allowed to return to the Armed Forces after Don't Ask, Don't Tell was repealed, Kate decided to stay in Gotham. She had found a new fight in the war against crime and corruption.

These are the only grammatical errors I caught. "Been," and a comma inside Don't Ask, Don't Tell.

[laughing matter]

Originally Posted by L0B5T3R

These are the only grammatical errors I caught. "Been," and a comma inside Don't Ask, Don't Tell.

Good catch. Thanks!

[quozl]

There's a bunch of partial sentences in what you wrote. How's this?

Once a soldier, always a soldier. The daughter of a respected United States Colonel, Kate Kane spent her entire life fighting, especially after the tragic loss of her mother and twin sister. After being kicked out of the United States Military Academy for refusing to comply with the Don't Ask Don't Tell policy, which forbade her to reveal she was a lesbian, Kate returned to Gotham City and lived somewhat aimlessly until a chance meeting with Batman and the sight of the Bat-Signal inspired her. Using her training and stolen military technology, Kate became Batwoman. Despite the Armed Forces allowing her to return after the Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy was repealed, Kate decided to stay in Gotham. She had found a new fight in the war against crime and corruption.

[laughing matter]

Originally Posted by quozl

There's a bunch of partial sentences in what you wrote. How's this?

True, but I just went back into the original bio and tried to change as little as possible. I just didn't want to mess too much with what was originally written, and I can see where that created some problems. I didn't mean to trash what you wrote either, I just figured "since it was fine the first time, what was wrong now?" and asked. I see what you mean now, and I think what you wrote here is almost perfect. I've just got a couple of small tweaks before it's done.

Blue) I feel like this small change subtly adds to the idea that she quit out of a sense of integrity.

Red) I feel like it helps it flow better. It separates the meeting of Batman as its own event, and it paints a very cinematic picture of the moment that she became inspired to become Batwoman. It gives it the feel of a cohesive journey, and it particularly makes me think of this page from Batwoman Elegy of Batman swinging off into the night with her standing there after... You know what, I'm just going to link the page since it's kinda cool.

Spoiler Alert!

Once a soldier, always a soldier. The daughter of a respected United States Colonel, Kate Kane spent her entire life fighting, especially after the tragic loss of her mother and twin sister. After being kicked out of the United States Military Academy for refusing to comply with the Don't Ask Don't Tell policy, which forbade her to reveal that she was actually a lesbian, Kate returned to Gotham City and lived somewhat aimlessly until a chance meeting with Batman. It was then, standing under the light of the Batsignal that she found a purpose again. Using her training and stolen military technology, Kate became Batwoman. Despite the Armed Forces allowing her to return after the Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy was repealed, Kate decided to stay in Gotham. She had found a new fight in the war against crime and corruption.

[japes]

I prefered this wording...

After being kicked out of the United States Military Academy for refusing to lie, under the Don't Ask Don't Tell policy, about her sexuality.


Rather than the "she was actually a lesbian" part.

I actually think this is about as neutral as we can be and still cover "the facts"*

Once a soldier, always a soldier. The daughter of a respected United States Colonel, Kate Kane spent her entire life fighting, especially after the tragic loss of her mother and twin sister. After being kicked out of the United States Military Academy for refusing to lie, under the Don't Ask Don't Tell policy, about her sexuality, Kate returned to Gotham City and lived somewhat aimlessly until a chance meeting with Batman. It was then, standing under the light of the Batsignal that she found a purpose again. Using her training and stolen military technology, Kate became Batwoman. Despite the Armed Forces allowing her to return after the Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy was repealed, Kate decided to stay in Gotham. She had found a new fight in the war against crime and corruption.

That's about as "family friendly" and socially conscience as we are going to get.

*well as factual as you can get about a fictional character.

[quozl]

Originally Posted by laughing matter

I feel that "actually" is extraneous but I really like the sentence in red.

[laughing matter]

It probably is, but I was already editing. I didn't think it would hurt. I do like the "her sexuality" wording better though.

[TrollBrute]

Alright, we're starting to get too much of a 'written by committee' feel here. Taking some of the suggestions above and re-working the original a little, how about:

Once a soldier, always a soldier. The daughter of a respected United States Colonel, Kate Kane spent her entire life fighting, especially after the tragic loss of her mother and twin sister. After being kicked out of the United States Military Academy for refusing to lie about being a lesbian, Kate returned to Gotham City and lived somewhat aimlessly until a chance meeting with Batman. His dedication and the sight of the Batsignal inspired her. Using her training and stolen military technology, Kate became Batwoman. Despite the Armed Forces allowing her to return after the Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy was repealed, Kate decided to stay in Gotham. She had found a new fight in the war against crime and corruption.

This should hit the notes we're agreed on without getting too close to run-on sentences, and keeping the style consistent throughout.