A New Marr... BOOK 2 Pg.26

[king_of_feylund123]

great chapters

[Akralon]

Your writing has improved in the last couple chapters. As for rushing, all writers rush at times, but if you're looking for feedback, the less you rush, the better feedback you'll get.

Some things that might help in your future chapters:

1) A common tendency of writers is to "tell" instead of "show". By this I mean, you the author telling the reader something directly rather than merely describing it and letting them get the picture themselves. Stephen King spoke of this in one of his lectures, saying it's like simply saying "The house was old and spooky" instead of describing the porch, doorway, roof, windows, etc.

2) Try to avoid jumping to second person - i.e. "Like if you leave yourbath tub faucet on awhile". It pulls the reader out of the scene and pauses the story while you're talking to him/her.

3) Avoid redundancy in word usage. In this case, the word 'then' is used a lot, and consecutively. Most of the time you can cut it out entirely, but if not, substitute different transitional words in.

As far as the story is concerned, combine action with thought or emotion - this can give depth to what is happening in the battles. Plus it creates an avenue for you to play around with the characters' personalities more. If you're taking the omniscient third person style, than you can reveal any character's thoughts, but if you don't want the reader to know what's going through everyone's heads then try to keep it to the main characters.

I think you could expand on the dialogue a bit, especially from Utgar - as I would imagine he'd be a little bit less than pleased with the marro and probably have some choice words for them.

Anyway, I hope some of this proves helpful. Keep up the good work.

[elf326]

I just read it all!
Great Story, Still!
I wonder what happened to Ne-Gok-Sa and Runa.
Btw, do you think you could do a battle of the drones vs a zombie horde?

[Metaknight]

Thank you! Thank you for your custructive critisiscm too! Chapter 15 will be the last in this part, Part 1.

Chapter 13

However, Ga-Ne-Vu was wrong. He continued to look up at Utgar to see where he would go, but he didn't leave yet. Utgar still had a trick up his sleeve. "Runa, call the newcomers!" Utgar said. She too had escaped. They were all hovering high in the air. Then she said some strange words. They sounded evil. Like something a cult would say. Then she closed her eyes and said words in a different language, an ancient language. She oppenned her eyes. They were glowing a bright red. She continued saying her words, it was almost like a ritual, but Ga-Ne-Vu couldn't here the words.

Then a flash of light and then a red figure appeared in the air. It too said words like Runa was. "Esvine gasim! Alutev mopesh umass!" it said. Then a sword appeared out of air. It flew onto the roof of a building. Runa continued to say her magical words. Then 3 more creatures appeared. Two of them looked almost like an Elf but one, was a beast, an unknown beast. "What do you think that is?" Ga-Ne-Vu asked. The Marro looked and saw them. "I don't know. Nothing good," he said.

Then, one of the flying creatures mumbled, "Hasunen estovas mewavig sorro." Three more strange creatures appearred. They were like legless dragons but were small. "You know where to meet," said Utgar. The beasty creature nodded. Then Utgar, Runa and the Minions flew off, this time for real. "Esvine gasim! Alutev mopesh umass!" said two of them. Ga-Ne-Vu realized they were girls! Then swords appearred out of air for them. Then they both dropped onto a roof top.

So did the beast. Then he roared, "Raaahahaa!" It was a strange roar, nothing like Ga-Ne-Vu had heard before. Then they all went out of sight as they finally reached Me-Burq-Sa. They got off the horse. Then the Marro said, "This is Ga-Ne-Vu. He fell from the palace when the top fell."

"Did he now," said Me-Burq-Sa. "Utgar still lives, you didn't make sure he was dead?" he continued.

"I didn't have time," Ga-Ne-Vu said.

"If you had killed him and died, you would have been a hero. But now you are a failure," Me-Burq-Sa said angrily. "You would have died with your army, but now you are the coward who ran away," Me-Burq-Sa contined.

Ga-Ne-Vu didn't respond. Then the creatures appearred. The beast jumped on top of the cavalry and knocked them off. Even when he was hit he didn't stop.

Then the other three started chopping up everything and the one just seemed to touch the Marros and they died. Ga-Ne-Vu picked up one of the whips that the cavalry had. It clashed with the sword of one of the girls. She had two swords. Then Ga-Ne-Vu swung for her head and it went through. As if she had no head. Still he fought, to no avail. Nothing worked. Then the beast jumped on him and the girl forgot about him. Then the three dragon-like creatures came and started attacking. They were able to die apparently. Me-Burq-Sa and some Marrden Hounds took care of them.

The beast that was on Ga-Ne-Vu roared again, his strange roar. He was about to bite Ga-Ne-Vu's neck when he got up and transformed into an Elf. "Uh, uah," he moaned in pain. Ga-Ne-Vu was about to kill the Elf when he said, "Wait! I can help you!" Ga-Ne-Vu asked, "How, you just attacked me?"

"Long story short, I'm on your side. They are vampires, not living. There is no way to kill the undead," said the Elf.

"How can that knowledge help us?" asked Ga-Ne-Vu curiously.

"You must make them alive," said the Elf. "Say what I say. Habitare vampire est lousingtu hussav luminus bousit!"

Ga-Ne-Vu repeated. "Habitare vampire est lousingtu hussav luminus bousit!" Then he looked around. The creatures all had a skin color now. They looked alive but there was only one way to find out. "Uah! Raahaha!" The Elf turned back into the beast and Ga-Ne-Vu quickly responded by knocking his head with the whip. Then the beast seemed to have felt pain. He ran off, actually he flew off.

Then the cavalry did some damage to the vampires. They too flew off somewhere. "Well, they're gone," said Ga-Ne-Vu relieved. Then another figure approached them. To everyone's surprised it was Ne-Gok-Sa. His arms were thin, like parts of them were cut out and he was dripping with blood everywhere. He was followed by Marro Warrior. Just one who wasn't as injured.

"Ah, Ne-Gok-Sa. Glad you're here to join us," said Me-Burq-Sa. If Ne-Gok-Sa wasn't so injured he might have tried to kill Me-Burq-Sa right now. Ne-Gok-Sa sat down on the ground. He said, "Kill all the kyrie in this city."

"You heard him," said Me-Burq-Sa. The cavalry and hounds ran off.

"Were there any other survivors?" asked Ga-Ne-Vu.

"Well, there was you. And Utgar because he wasn't there," Ne-Gok-Sa was panting as he said all of this. Then the Marro Warrior made a funny noise and had a funny expression on his face, like he just went to the bathroom. It passed and another Marro Warrior just sprang up out of him. At first just the head. Then an arm and leg, and finally the whole body.

Ne-Gok-Sa ignored him and asked, "What happened here?" in an angrier tone.

"We won, that's what happened," said Me-Burq-Sa. "Let us go back to what's left of the palace so we can continue with the plan," he continued.

"It won't, work anymore," Ne-Gok-Sa said.

"We should try before they become suspicious," said Me-Burq-Sa. They began walking to the palace. The Marro Warrior was now three and carried Ne-Gok-Sa.

"What is the plan?" Ga-Ne-Vu asked Me-Burq-Sa.

"The plan was," Me-Burq-Sa began. "Well first we were supposed to tell Utgar's other cities that Utgar decided to surrender. Then the other generals. We won't fight and Utgar won't attack. We will build more Hives and get an unstoppable army and then surprise this planet by taking over it. However, since Utgar lived it will be a bit harder." Me-Burq-Sa ended there.

[king_of_feylund123]

cool. I liked the elf and vampiers!

[Metaknight]

Okay, this will be Part II. I plan on showing more background and more characters.

PART II: The fall of ages

Chapter 14

It was a cold day on the deserts. Desert sand as far as the eye could see. One that was to be filled with bloodshed. The Marro Drones were ready. They had a leader in the very back of the army, whose name was Ra-Bu-Sa. He was the only one holding a gun. The Marros guns harnessed the power of plasma. They were unique among the Marro. Then Ra-Bu-Sa yelled, "They're coming!"

The enemy approached from the distance. They went from small to large figures quickly. The Marros could now tell of their race. They were Primadons, here for another defeat. The big, furry creatures rushed forward. They ran and ran until they were close enough to leap and knock over a Drone. This was when the Drones jabbed the air, hoping they'd hit a Primadon. Most of the times they didn't. "Charge!" shouted Ra-Bu-Sa.

The Marro Drones in the back of the army then pushed to the front and charged at whatever they could. One did just this but the Primadons had learned. One met the Drone and grabbed his spear and ripped it from the Drones hands. Then the Primadon picked up the Drone and shoved him into the sand and then stepped on the Drones face with a big foot.

"To the left side! Fight back!" shouted Ra-Bu-Sa. The Drones started fighting back and following orders. The Drones didn't out battle or outsmart the Primadons, they outnumbered them. This is how they won wars. Then the Primadons pulled a surprise, big guns. The Primadons in the back of the army were carrying large turret-like guns. "Duck! Move back out of their range!" shouted Ra-Bu-Sa. They fired multiple shots at once, so fast that many Drones still died. Then the Drones numbers began to thin.

Now it was time for the Gorrilanators. They ran in with smaller guns and some more armor than the rest. They shot their guns from afar, making it more difficult for the Drones to reach. They made the numbers almost even. This meant the Primadons could win. Ra-Bu-Sa moved up his army and shot down two Gorrilinators before he was shot down.

Now the Drones were leader-liss. They didn't know what to do. One brave yelled, "Aaah!" then the Drone charged but was toppled by a Primadon. Then he was thrown towards the edge of the battle, head first into the sand. The rest of the Drones knew they couln't just stand there so they charged too, hoping for the best. Most Drones were shot at before they reached their target. The rest were broken in half. Not too long later, all but the worst had happened. Only one Drone lived. The one brave Drone who had fallen into the sand...

[Metaknight]

Oh yeah, this is a flashback! That ought to clear things up a little...

[king_of_feylund123]

I liked how you described that scene

[hi1hi1hi1hi1]

I'm taking a guess that it is Ga-Ne-Vu that fell. And I do like that this episode had much better setting descriptions than previously. I think with the larger focus on setting, you lost some character development or description at least. Your writing is improving and the story is good, you just need to find the perfect balance between all elements.

[Akralon]

I like how you set the scene first. A lot of writers forget to give at least a glimpse of the setting before they launch into a frenzied battle, leaving the reader still pondering where exactly everything is taking place.

The way a writer describes the environment is an indirect way to both set the mood of the scene and hint at the characters' mindsets and emotions.

Nice work.

[Metaknight]

Thanks! Balance. Thanks! I"m no longer writing unless I'm alone and have time! I'm going to be jumping around a bit as it changes from Marro, to good guy, to Utgar, to flashback... not a lot

Chapter 15

It is night time. It is so dark that Utgar couldn't see Runa a yard away from him. They were flying to another one of Utgar's cities. It was on a cliff for protection. At the bottom of the cliff there was a very large pond. They arrived at the gate but Utgar didn't know it until he nearly flew into it.

"Oh! Watch it! Here's the gate," said Utgar frusturatedly. "Fly up," he said.

They did so and then Runa wondered, "Who's watching this city?"

"Who do you think?" responded Utgar as he began flying towards the much smaller palace in this city.

Runa and the Minions had to catch up. Runa quickly flew down until she could clearly see Utgar and said, "Taelord?"

Utgar didn't respond. He was very angry with Taelord. He rarely pulled through for him and Utgar thinks of him as a nuiscance now. Utgar turned and continued. Runa got more than the message but a sense that Utgar was going to do something to hurt Taelord.

The Minions caught up and they all landed near the edge of the palace's roof. Below them was a window. They crouched down to listen to see if anyone was awake. No one seemed to be so they flew to the front door. The Minions and Runa stood there wondering how they'd get in. The door was wooden and oppened at the center with a block of wood locking it from the inside no doubt.

"Break it open with your axe," said Utgar finally, now really frusturated. The Minions looked at each other and then Utgar. They hit the door with their axes. Trying to knock it down. "No!" Utgar yelled. He knocked over one of the Minions and took his axe. Then he slid it down the little oppening in the center until he reached the wood block. Then he lifted the axe and swung it down. "Idiots!" Utgar said as the block snapped in half and they got in.

Utgar marched into the palace. He knew where to go. Runa and the Minions not so clear on what Utgar had in mind just kept close by him. They went up many stairs and through a few hall ways until they got to a large bedroom. Utgar bursted the door open. "Time to wake up Taelord!"

The room was pretty big with a big bed in the center and a long table on one side of the room. Taelord who really didn't expect this started to wake up and then rolled around a little. "Taelord!" Utgar shouted. Taelord sat up and grabbed his sword which was on the side of his bed like it was a reaction. He pointed it out straight ahead and said in a strange way, "Utgar? What are you doing here?" Then he lowered his sword.

Utgar said trying not to get too angry, "There is a problem. A big problem so why don't you get up and listen." Taelord stood up. He was only wearing his diaper and a necklace. Then he scratched his neck for a second. Utgar continued, "The Marros have decided to try and kill me. They failed but I've seen what they can do. They want this world like their homeworld, to themselves." Utgar didn't realize this but that's what he wanted too.

"What should we do?" asked Taelord, not sounding too worried.

"You were once my greatest warrior and now you are no use to me. You should die!" When Utgar said this he grabbed Taelord with one hand by the neck. Utgar's words were still echoeing in Taelord's head. Then it became hard for Taelord to breath. His eyes widened. "Ah, ah," Taelord tried to get some air but he coudn't as Utgar's grip tightened. Utgar put his other hand around Taelord's neck yet Utgar seemed not to be using much strength. "Oh!" said Runa, shocked at the sight. "He is better of dead!" Utgar said. "Ah, ah!" Runa's usually sinister look changed into a sorry and merciful one. Taelord tried to brake free but it was too much. Then he relaxed. Utgar let go, and Taelord's body fell to the ground.

Utgar was breathing deeply. He said, "Wake up the Minions here. Tell them that Utgar is visiting."

[hi1hi1hi1hi1]

That was very good. You portrayed the setting descriptions well but still kept the characters and dialogue interesting. It think that may have been your best short.

I can't believe you killed off Taelord though. But it just enhances the image of Utgar's cruelty, well done!