Good Morning Valhalla: Krug

[Ugly-Caco]

Originally Posted by Akralon

Had your ears been forced to endure the repeated and torturous sounds of Finn's disgusting arse-belching - you'd be stark-raving mad! MAD!!!

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-Edit
I wanted to go with Syvarris but Agent Carr would be interesting.

Question: Agent Carr, is you pony tale suppose to compensate for your wide bald spot?

[Dark Lord o' THIRST]

Agent Carr- How do you hide that HUGE sword of yours while sneaking around?

[Akralon]

And so, to honor the requests of the audience, we have at last summoned Agent Carr. We apologize in advance for anything paranoid or delusional he might say or do - we tried convincing him that this wasn't a government conspiracy to lull him into a false sense of security. He would not come without his entire Krav Maga team. Sooo - being the pioneer that I am, I've decided to include them in the interviewing for your pleasure.

Here's how it'll work - I'll do the typical show, and afterward, we'll have Agent Carr step outside, and allow you to ask questions to the individual agents, if you so choose. Sound good? Hope so, cuz I'm doing it anyway - because I do what I want!

Oh, here he comes now.

(Agent Carr steps into the cave, the dim light dancing on the walls from the wellspring in the back washes over his shades. He says nothing, simply nods and the Krav Maga divide, the white guy on the right, the chick on the left, and the black dude in the back.)

Seeing as how your delusions of government conspiracy know no bounds, and you brought your most elite fighting force to a talk show - despite our attempts to convince you that there aren't Utgarian spies lurking on the set - I'll give you this question to start... and it's from our audience...

Agent Carr, you are obviously the leader of the Krav Maga. After all, it's the future and you're wielding a giant sword - which by the laws of RPGs, is incontrovertible evidence that you are a main character. And if that wasn't enough, it's clearly stated in your bio.

You actually read that trash? I don't read tabloids.

Tabloids? It's your bio. You know, the only real authority on character personas and history.

I didn't write it.

Of course not, otherwise it'd be an Autobio - Ahahaha! Get it? Autobio... haha... ha... ... ...ok.
I did not authorize the release of my personal information. Who's responsible? Have you ever met him? I haven't.

Well, Truth did.

Just like I was gifted with dashing good looks, a killer sense of humor and the ability to summon any one, any time, whenever I feel like it - Truth has the knowledge - the eye, you might say. I hear he's handy with websites, too.

Besides - his name is Truth. How can you argue with someone who's name is Truth?
What are you saying - the man can't ever be wrong, just because his parents named him Truth?

Um... obviously.

You're an idiot.

I forgive you that, Carr... but only because you're dead on the inside. Now that you've wasted at least a full minute on worthless drivel, I'd like to get back to the question - THE question - that has been plaguing 'Scapers since Vydar summoned you to Valhalla.

I'm listening.

The question is this - where did you buy your gun - Toys'R'Us or Big Lots?

What are you talking about?

I hate to be the one to break it to you, pal, but in case you didn't notice, your gun has the fire power of a bow and arrow. A really old bow an arrow. I'm pretty sure Nerf Guns shoot farther. One would think that someone wearing a light-weight micromesh suit and sporting cat-like speed and agility could move faster than Denrick - who, coincidentally, happens to be wearing a full suit of plate armor. One would think.

How do you inspire your fellow Krav Maga when you show up with the crappiest gun on the team? Did you lose a bet or something?

Fancy gadgets and high-tech weaponry won't save a man if he doesn't have the street smarts and survival instinct to make it.

Is that why you carry a ginormous sword?

Point taken. Let's move on.

Let's. And while we're on your sword, how do you sneak up on people while carrying such an awkward and over-sized item? Doesn't it ever get in the way?

No.

... ... That's it? Just 'No'?

Yes.

......

Would you care to elaborate some?

No.

Are you sure?

Yes.

Very well, moving along further... I have with me... some legal documents here. (shuffle shuffle)

It appears you're under a double lawsuit for identity theft. Let's take a look shall we? According to Vydar's Official Summoning Committee, they tried 3 times to summon a particular champion and each time they got you - again. Turns out they were merely transporting you back and forth to different summoning glyphs all over Anund. As a result, other individuals who wanted a shot at Heroscape were left out. Two such men are filing lawsuits. Morpheus being the first, and Blade being the second.

Is it true you were summoned 3 times? And each time they were trying to summon somebody else?

Yes.
How does that make you feel? Knowing that you repeatedly disappointed Vydar's forces by showing up more times than a bad penny? I mean, the summoners were beginning to wonder if they lost a page or something.

(Silence).

Okay, I can see why you wouldn't want to answer that question. So how about this - Your stylish ponytail - the truth now... is it to divert attention from your baldness?

No.

It's for the ladies, isn't it? How many latherings of Cream of Nature do you put in that sucker? Cuz I know that ain't Murray's.

I use a blend of highly nutrient enriched vitamin treatments and conditioners to get down deep, to the roots.

(There's an uncomfortable pause. I notice the Krav Maga exchange concerned glances.)

This solution is chemically engineered to protect from split ends to keep my hair shiny and natural. It also keeps it odorless, to prevent my enemies from catching my scent.

This is getting awkward fast. I'm jumping tracks. Have you ever dated the black chick from the Nakitas?

No.

But you want to, right?

No.

Why not? She's hot. Can't deny that. Wait a second.... You sly devil - you like white girls don't you?

No.

Have you ever considered growing a Jheri Curl?

I will kill you and no one will find the body.

I'll take that as a No. How about some nitty gritty info. Tell the audience something interesting about yourself that we couldn't guess.

They are on a need-to-know basis.

They don't need to know.

The audience is Not on a need-to-know basis. This is a talk show. You're supposed to Talk. This is not a court hearing. I'm not asking you 'yes' or 'no' questions here. Work with me. Help me help you. Besides, it's in your best interests to comply. I'm powerful, and have influential friends.

I don't take threats from the Man.

I'm a Kyrie!

Same difference.

How dare you!

Ok, gotta stop myself. We're going to do this Elementary School Style. What's your favorite color?

Gray.

Matches your personality. What's your favorite song?

The Matrix.

Yeah, that's a movie.

The soundtrack. Especially "Clubbed to Death". I listen to it in my I-pod whenever I have to walk somewhere, and when I wash my hair.

What's your favorite video game?

The Matrix.

Are you kidding me? That game sucked!

Better than Kid Icarus.

Don't dis Icarus! A little on the difficult side, but clearly genius. You wingless types wouldn't understand. Who's your favorite GI Joe?

Snake eyes.

There's no denying he's darn cool. But I see why you identify with him. You've got the same personality. Alright, before I move on to the Krav Maga agents, last question...

Some people say Sgt. Drake has a bigger sword than you. What do you say?

That's not possible. Regardless, I handle mine better.

I'm sure you do.

What I meant was-

Time's up! Send in your questions for the Krav Maga, folks. It'll be short but sweet interlude until our next guest - whomever you vote for from the Rise of the Valkyrie era. Btw, the code names for the agents are Adams (white guy), Jackson (black dude) and Jade (chick). Ask away!

[The Silver Surfer]

Question: Agent Jade, why do you get 2 guns while the rest of the Krav Maga Agents only get one?

Question: Agent Adams, is it true that you lost to one of the microcorp agents in a game of Duck, Duck, Goose?

[Frank'n'stay]

Wait..... I thought Carr WAS Jackson!!!! (Really, doesn't Carr look like Samuel L. Jackson?)

Good job Akralon, keep 'em coming!

[Ugly-Caco]

Clubbed to Death is an awesome song! I love listening to that. I'd rewind my tape over and over just for that song. Heck I even made a mix tape with just Clubbed to Death recorded over and over and over (come to think of it that wasn't a mix tape at all). Maybe I'll draft Agent Carr next game just because of Clubbed to Death. Cool.
If I fall off a tall building, Clubbed to Death will be my soundtrack.

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Jade, why didn't you join the Nakitas? Too impatient for wave 5 to come out?
Your my favorite Krav Agent by the way. You always manage to kill the target compared to your dude groupmates.

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Great job Akra!

[whitestuff]

Jade - Why don't you have a nice suit like the boys?
Jackson - Why do people always try to kill you first?
Adams - Have you kept the secret?

[Emoskull9]

Interesting!!! Good job

[Akralon]

Welcome back, esteemed audience members. We have with us now the Krav Maga Agents, or rather, the top three agents, handpicked by Carr himself as the best the Agency had to offer.

Agent Adams, tell us a little about yourself.

You bet, Munthor. I was born in Tazmania. My all time favorite is Mel Gibson in Road Warrior. I also loved Russel Crowe in Virtuosity. I keep current with the times, love computers. On this team, I'm what you'd call the tech expert.

Tech Expert? Explain that.

He plays World of Warcraft 8 hours a day. (chimes in Agent Jackson)

Oh, don't get me started on that, (adds Agent Jade) He's late for every training session we have. I'm tired of hearing: 'It takes freakin forever to fly to this gryphon point' or, 'I can't leave right now - I'm in the middle of an instance'. What's worse, he's alway trying to bring his tactics into our battles, prattling on about 'tanks' and 'DPS' and 'proper pulling'. Last time he disobeyed a direct order to attack a grut because he 'didn't want to aggro the mob.'

I've given up trying to take the guy out. He can't go anywhere without relating something to Warcraft. (Jackson shakes his head in disgust) Just the other day, we tried going on a double date with the Nakita. I took out that sexy soul sista, codename Angela, while he went with the young brunette, codename Chrissy. I had it all planned out. We had Sudema cook us up something special (she's a gourmet chef if I ever saw one - bet you didn't know that.)

We had Gladiatron waiters (you never have to worry about them dropping a plate with those cyberclaws).

Anyway, we barely start talking, haven't even tasted the wine yet, and the first thing comes outta this fool's mouth is - 'Hey Jackson, doesn't she look like Elfina - you know, the night elf priestess we took with us on that raid to Booty Bay?' I mean - Maaaan - come ON!!! You don't bring that crap up on a date!

Yeah but you gotta admit, she did look like Elfina. (Jackson groans)

So, this is all pre-Valhalla - the WOW that is. So now you're here, and there's no internet... How does that feel?

Like I'm going to have one mother of a patch to download when I get back. And the fourteenth expansion should be out, too. Two new races. After they added Goblins, Naga, Dark Iron Dwarves, High Elves (the original), Demons and Saracens, and added three more continents, they ran out of room on the world of Azeroth and, like EQ before it, had to expand to other planets.

Yeah that sounds really interesting. Let's get on with the questions then. Is it true that you lost to a Microcorps agent in a game of Duck, Duck, Goose?

What? I'm a grown man; I don't play kids games.

(Agent Jade smirks)

If you say so, Agent Adams. Answer us this then, have you kept the secret? The secret?

(Adams looks at his feet uncomfortably, turning bright red)
Look, I don't really want to talk about that. There was alcohol involved. Alcohol! It makes us do crazy things! Crazy!!

...

Believe me, you don't want to know the details.

I'll take your word for it. Let's go to Agent Jackson now. Tell us about yourself.

Well, I'm comin straight outta Detroit. By our time, the auto industry complety failed and the whole city went to hell...

. . .

... I mean worse than it was before. The East side got so bad that people had to take shifts at night watching their cars so they wouldn't get stolen. And the West side? You'd think we degraded to a third world war torn country. Massacres in the streets, burning crack houses, looting and pillaging. In the end, the cops and fireman and most organized government simply left. I had a gunshop for awhile, till I was recruited by the Agency for my weapon knowledge. I joined the Krav Maga as the resident gun expert.

Damn, son. You a No-Limit Soldja!

Maannn, shut that crap. I don't even listen to rap. I'm a jazz man.

Nice. Our first question from the audience is - why do people always try to kill you first?

Cause I'm black.

Yeah but, aren't we past that, for the most part, as a culture now? I mean, do you really think that's why people try to kill you first?

Man, there's no doubt. I'm not saying it's outta racism. These kids aren't all prejudice like that. They just think it's funny. You know, like - Hey, let's get a rise outta the guy. Let's play to the stereotype of the black guy dying first. Won't that be a laugh?

It gets old, man. It gets old.

So, to quote one of my favorite Earth show hosts from his own time, "George W Bush. Great president - or the greatest president?"

How about greatest deficit. Greatest unemployment since the Depression. Greatest unrest about a war since Vietnam.

I'll put you down for greatest. Now earlier today, it sounded like Agent Adams was indicating you also played World of Warcraft...

Yeah so what. It's not like I go around talking about it all the time. I'm a closet gamer.

What about you, Agent Jade? Are you a closet gamer?

No, I'm a gamer girl. Loud and proud. I just don't play nerd games like Warcraft.

So what games do you play?

I've always liked the Tombraider series. I liked Resident Evil 2 and most Tom Clancy games. I really liked Roguespear.

Ah yes, the Rainbow Six series - good stuff. So, getting back to Krav Maga, we discussed Agent Adams being the 'tech guy', but what purpose do you two serve?

I'm the combat trainer. You see, Krav Maga is an Israeli Self Defense martial arts style, started by my ancestor - a man named Imi Lichtenfeld. While growing up in the 1930's, he honed his fighting skills defending his Jewish friends and family against facist thugs and anti-Semitic groups. When Hitler began rising to power, he had to flee - traveling to Israel (then called Palestine) and joined the military there, becoming the combat trainer and starting Krav Maga as the official fighting style.

Wow, I think you're the hottest Jew I've ever met. So you're the physical trainer. I'm down for sweatin' one out with ya.

You wouldn't last a round. I'm ambidextrous.

I bet you are. That must be why you sport two guns.

Now, Ugly-Caco from Iloila City, over in the Philippines, writes this:

Jade, why didn't you join the Nakitas? Too impatient for wave 5 to come out?
Your my favorite Krav Agent by the way. You always manage to kill the target compared to your dude groupmates.

(Agents Adams and Jackson immediately begin snickering at this. Agent Jade shoots them a venomous glare - I assume because I can't see her eyes under those shades - and then turns back to me with a strained smile.)

I suppose I'm just too serious about my job.

Tell it like it is, Jade - you got DE-Niiiiied. (They burst into laughter.)

I'm sorry I'm not a pom-pom pushing ditz. Look, the only reason I'm not leading that group is because men find me intimidating. They don't like it when a woman can kick their a--.

I do. If you ever need to demonstrate some good pinning moves - I'm your kyrie.

Anyway, the Nakita agency isn't for me. I'm just not good at pretending to be a complete airhead. Although, I don't think they're all pretending.

You leave Chrissy out of this!

It's charming, Adams, that you're trying to stick up for her. But you're wasting your time. She's not into Dungeons and Dragons and Magic the Gathering. You're worlds of warcraft apart.

Very funny.

I thought it was. Now, Agent Jade, what's behind your unique suit? You don't have the micromesh business suit like your compadres here. Don't get me wrong, I love the sleek shiny, zip-up leather you've got going - but our audience wants to know why?

(Agent Jade smiles widely. She seems only too happy to answer this particular question.) The nanofiber of this leather suit is far superior to the business micromesh. It's more flame retardant, absorbs direct light better, allows easier movement and breathes better. There's really no legitimate reason for Adams and Jackson not to wear them.

Um - I'd say not wanting to look gay is a legitimate reason.

Man's got a point.

And that answers that! Well audience, I hope you enjoyed the extended session, and perhaps now can appreciate the Krav Maga Agents a little more. Hope you were entertained.

Have splendiferous day - and here's how it's gonna be -

The first character/squad to receive 3 votes (from Rise of Valkyrie era) will be the next show. This will continue until we're ready to move on to Mallidon's Prophecy. So - SEND IN THOSE VOTES - AHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!

[Pumpkin_King]

I vote for Grimnak. Ask him why he has the same attack as a grut when he's a champion.

[Nadom]

I vote for Raelin. She's had a lot of interesting stuff happen to her... feuds with Taelord, Runa, and Ki-Mo-Shi, the time she turned "dark side," as well as that awkward personality change from merciful to resolute (not to mention the time naked pictures of her ended up on Ebay). I'd also be curious to know the nature of her relationship with Sgt. Drake. It doesn't seem entirely platonic to me...

By the way, Akralon, these interviews started out hilarious and have only gotten funnier each time. You clearly put a lot of thought and work into these, and I appreciate it.

[Deathclaw767]

I second the Grimnak vote.

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Hey, Grimnak, who d'you have to kill to get a ferocious mount like yours? And how do you keep it from eating passing gruts and other such allies?

Your Persistant Fan,
Deathclaw