The Joke Thread

[Rexmax2]

Joke of the Day
A lawyer was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side.
A couple of minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!" Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of "beautiful," it was "cute." She asked, "What happened to 'beautiful'?" His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!"

I know right? Crazy a joke from the joking! Rooster has returned from retirement! At least every now and then. Also thanks so much to Sirgalahad and Dr. Goomonkey for keeping it running as long as they did. I am so happy that this thread stayed alive for so long.

[Marro_Warlord]

It's back!

[Rexmax2]

Joke of the Day
"These three envelopes were left to you by the previous employee who was recently let go. He said to open them in order if you ever got into a jam."
The job didn't seem so tough, and after all, why would I want to take advice from the guy who was just fired? I threw the envelopes into a drawer and settled into my new job. The people were friendly, there were always fresh donuts and bottomless coffee, and everything always just fell into place.
Until one day it hit the fan. Everyone came looking for me for this major issue, and I'll be honest, I didn't know what to do. For whatever reason, I was reminded of the envelopes and proceeded to open the one marked #1.
"Blame the previous guy."
Well, sure! I mean, if it wasn't for all the stuff he did in the past, we wouldn't be in this predicament now! I told everyone it was the previous guy's fault, and everyone seemed to accept that. Slowly, business got back to normal. I felt like I dodged a bullet. Months went by and not a single bump in the road. And then...Another emergency. I could hear people yelling my name, and not in a good way. Without hesitation, I reached for envelope #2.
"Blame the support staff."
Right? I mean, if they were doing their job and told me sooner, I could've fixed all of this before it was even a problem! Everyone nodded. Couldn't argue with that logic. I was relieved to have dodged another bullet. I must be pretty good at this after all!
A full year went by and, sure, some people had since been let go, but I was still sitting pretty with a good job and a carefree attitude. Things just always seemed to work out! When the next crisis hit, I wasn't even phased. I could hear the people yelling my name, and I could almost even imagine them carrying pitchforks all aimed at me. Whatever. I still had that final envelope which I opened as everyone was amassed at my door.
"Prepare three envelopes," it said...

[Rexmax2]

Joke of the Day
A depressed frog goes to meet with a fortune teller hoping for good news.
The fortune teller closes her eyes, makes some strange sounds, and finally says, "You will meet a beautiful young girl that will want to know everything about you"
The frog gets excited and says, "Wow! When will I meet her? At a party?"
"No," replied the fortune teller, "in her biology class."

[SirGalahad]

Joke of the Day

Since RL is finally getting back in order, I am announcing my return. (no that's not the joke)

But I better ease back into it:

What do you call a bear with no teeth?

Spoiler Alert!

A gummy bear.

[SirGalahad]

Joke of the Day

"You name it, we’ll make it!”

That was the big sign outside the new restaurant on 13th Avenue.

“There is no food we can’t make for you!” the owner had boasted to the news media. Although there had been skeptics, the restaurant had met every challenge.

One day a man with a heavy Russian accent said to the waiter, “I vould like, please, a garden salad with Russian dressing.”

When the order came back to the kitchen, the head cook screamed, “Russian dressing?! I’ve never even heard of Russian Dressing! What are we going to give this guy?"

“Don’t worry,” said the owner to the cook, “I’ll take care of everything--you just make the salad.”

Spoiler Alert!

So three minutes later the waiter walked out with a big garden salad and a picture of a Russian man putting on his pants.

[cwidje]

Originally Posted by SirGalahad

Joke of the Day

"You name it, we’ll make it!”

That was the big sign outside the new restaurant on 13th Avenue.

“There is no food we can’t make for you!” the owner had boasted to the news media. Although there had been skeptics, the restaurant had met every challenge.

One day a man with a heavy Russian accent said to the waiter, “I vould like, please, a garden salad with Russian dressing.”

When the order came back to the kitchen, the head cook screamed, “Russian dressing?! I’ve never even heard of Russian Dressing! What are we going to give this guy?"

“Don’t worry,” said the owner to the cook, “I’ll take care of everything--you just make the salad.”

Spoiler Alert!

So three minutes later the waiter walked out with a big garden salad and a picture of a Russian man putting on his pants.

I thought that this was Russian dressing...

Spoiler Alert!

[Jim]

Originally Posted by cwidje

I thought that this was Russian dressing...

Spoiler Alert!

In Soviet Russia, salad dresses you.

[SirGalahad]

Joke of the Day

A father gets into a car accident and injures his wrist pretty badly. He goes to the hospital where the doctor gets him all fixed up, but before he leaves, he asks the doctor, "Hey Doc, when this heals will I be able to play the piano?"

The doctor replied, "Yes, of course. You'll be fine in just a few weeks."

"Perfect, I've always wanted to be able to play an instrument."

[SirGalahad]

Joke of the Day

Existence was so tranquil and peaceful for the young couple Adam and Eve, like straight out of a storybook, until one unfortunate day when Adam showed up one hour late for supper. By the time Adam finally came home, Eve was a nervous wreck, and her imagination was working overtime.

“Honey, what happened? Why are you home so late?” questioned Eve.

“Oh, I’m sorry! Adam responded with a wave of his hand. “I just lost track of the time.”

Now Eve didn’t have a mother or girlfriend around to calm her fears--after all it was just her and her husband--and despite Adam’s convincing act, her overactive imagination could not be calmed.

That night, after two hours of restlessly turning in her bed, enough was enough.

“What in the world are you doing?!” hollered Adam, jumping out of bed.

“You know darn well what I'm doing!” screamed Eve right back. “Now you better lay still right now and let me finish counting those ribs!"

[SirGalahad]

Joke of the Day

Two for the best joking day of the year:

A telemarketer called a house and a really nice lady answered the phone. She was really helpful and friendly--the type of lady that helps a telemarketer get through a long day.

After some pleasantries the telemarketer asks if Mr. Smith was in.

“I’m sorry”, she answered. “I’m afraid he doesn’t live here anymore.”

Now that was a real disappointment, but not missing a beat the telemarketer went on, “I’m sorry to hear that ma’am. Do you happen to have his new number.”

“Sure thing!” the woman cheerfully replied, and rattled off his new number.

The telemarketer hung up the phone and quickly dialed the new number--only to hear a recording:

Spoiler Alert!

“Thank you for calling Green Acres Cemetery…”

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Joe was a steward for Fly High airlines. He watched as an older lady boarded the plane holding a dog in a cage. “Excuse me,” said Joe, “dogs are not allowed on board--you have to check it in with the baggage.”

The lady wasn’t happy, but Joe was an experienced steward and succeeded in convincing the lady without much of a scene.

Upon arrival, Joe took a peek in the cage, and to his great surprise, saw that the dog was dead! Frantic that they may get sued, Joe quickly sent one of his underlings out to town to buy a dog that looked exactly the same. Just in the nick of time the underling arrived with the dog. They quickly switched dogs and breathed a sigh of relief.

“This isn’t my dog!” said the lady as soon as she saw it.

“I’m sure it is,” insisted Joe. “I was very careful about where I put it.”

“It’s not my dog” argued the lady, “you see, I was bringing my dog to my home town to have him buried, and this dog is alive!”



Enjoy your April Fools!

[SirGalahad]

Joke of the Day

While my parents were making their funeral arrangements, the cemetery salesman pointed out a plot that he thought they would like. “You’ll have a beautiful view of the swan pond,” he assured them.

Dad wasn’t sold. “Unless you’re including a periscope with my casket, I don’t know how I’m going to enjoy it.”