The promise

[elsinora]

Hi! I'm new here, but wanted to share this FanFic I wrote. Tell me what you think, and thanks for reading.

Spoiler Alert!

The Promise

“Drake!” She screams, the winged girl, a dying man’s hand clutched in hers. Her name is Raelin, and her friend is dying. Tears will not stop coming, it seems. She turns back to the man, staring at the teeth marks in his chest. “Come on, Drake. You can hold on.” Her voice breaks and he smiles the slightest bit.
“I’ve made before..” He whispers, his voice sounding rougher than it should, deep and weak. She shakes her head at him, tucking her wings behind her.
“I don’t know. You just did it, Drake. You defeated Taelord’s army..” The tears in her voice had never been stronger, and it seems she can barely speak. She furiously wipes away her tears with her free hand, not wanting to let go of his hand. Soaking in the last of the warmth. She can feel his pulse, wildly beating hard and slowing every time she feels it. Raelin takes a deep breath, glancing at herself in the reflection of a viking shield. Her blonde hair is covered in blood and dirt, now an ombre of death and sadness, and her face has a gash in it that starts stinging as soon as she realizes it’s there. She looks back at Drake and takes a deep breath, letting go of his hand, but wanting to grab it again. “I’m going to find Kelda.” She takes off into the air, her wings unfolding, and she winces at the pain, tumbling back to the ground. She glances back and sees a large tear across her left wing. She curses to the air and takes off running, examining the bodies she passes by, looking out for Kelda, or a sorcerer, or someone that can help. He can’t die, not now. Not now that it’s all over. She catches a flash of blue out of the corner of her eye.
“Kelda!” She screams. “Drake is hurt!” Kelda starts towards her but stumbles over a dead grut, falling to the ground. Raelin screams and runs towards her. “No!” The word is ripped out of her throat, taking all her hope with her. “No.” She whispers again, of her own will. “Kelda. You can’t die. You have to be fine, to stand up, to help me.” The words are selfish, she knows, but she doesn’t care, Oh, how she doesn’t care. “Please, you need to live.”
“I can’t.” Kelda whispers. The words are broken and short, and Raelin knows this woman has only seconds to live. “I had to save Jandar.” Raelin nods, but inside she wants to scream. She wants to take the knife of guilt of love out of her heart and plunge it into everything that did this. This massacre, Drake, and now Kelda. Who knows the number of all that died? Kelda’s eyes close and Raelin can’ speak. She can’t scream. All she can do is run back to Drake and stroke his head, and kiss him and let him die knowing she loves him. She keeps running, just running, finding him again. She flaps her wings, not caring if it feels like the fires of a dragon, not caring of it stings like a swarm of wasps. She can fly faster than run. So she will. And she does. And she finds him, a whisper of a tear slipping out of the corner of his eye and mingling with the blood and sweat of him, his friends, and his enemies.
“I don’t want you to die.” Raelin screams, louder than she has energy for. The words run out of her mouth, spraying everywhere like a waterfall of poison. She takes a deep breath, saying speaking more softly now. “I love you. I always will.” Drake blinks a tear away, and it’s gone into the grass beside him.
“And I you.” He takes a slow breath, and it sounds content. “He’s safe, right? Kelda found Jandar? They’re both safe?” Raelin stiffs the muscles in her neck to keep herself from shaking her head.
“He’s safe. Jandar is safe.” She takes his hand again, pressing it to her forehead for a second and then dropping it. “But Kelda didn't-” Her voice breaks like a piece of pottery, shattering into the air, making everyone breathe in it’s dust. “Kelda didn't make it. So now there’s no chance for you. I’m so, so, so...” And then, she just stops and presses her forehead to his. And they just sit there, Drake bleeding from countless wounds, Realin crying tears onto him. “Sorry.” She finally finishes. She feels him shake his head the slightest bit.
“You didn't do anything.” He says. She shakes her head, the image of his wounds making her cringe and the tears fall faster. “But Raelin, you must promise me you’ll keep fighting.” All she can do is nod. “You’re the best leader Jandar has now.” He takes a deep breath, shaking and quaking throughout his body. “And you need to stand by him no matter what. Stay next to him, protect him. many enemies maybe gone, but there is still more. There will always be more.” Raelin nods again.
“I promise, Drake.” Saying his name feels like poisoned fire. It burns in her throat, and there’s nothing she can do about it. Drake goes limp. “I promise.” She says again, because there is nothing else to say. Nothing else to do but keep that promise. For Drake. For everyone that the enemy has killed today. Her voice is too broken to scream, or even cry. Her wings are too hurt to fly away and bury him. Her love is too lost to do anything at all. But she will keep this promise. Keep it close to her heart. I promise. I promise. I promise. A drum begins in her head, and she lets it reverberate through her. I promise. I promise. I promise. “I promise.”

[Tornado]

Welcome and well done.

I look forward to your next tale.

[TGRF]

Wow. You have quite a gift for words. Your descriptions are vivid, but more than that, they are original. The comparisons force the reader to notice them and actually think about them, because they are something he hasn't heard before.
You also portrayed Raelin very well, I thought. You did a good job of capturing her emotions, especially with the length you had to work with.
There were a few missing letters here and there that confused me a bit, as well as some grammatical stuff, such as:

now an ombre of death and sadness,

and Raelin can’ speak.

Stay next to him, protect him. many enemies maybe gone, but there is still more. There will always be more.

In the last quote, 'Many' should be capitalized, 'maybe' should be two words, and 'is' should be 'are.'
Overall, however, a very, very excellent read. Your grammar is flawless save for that last bit near the end. Your style of writing overall is very engaging and grabs the reader's interest very well. Your descriptions are outstanding. I'd say they are the best I've seen in this forum.
I definitely look forward to anything else you have to contribute in the future.
Well done!
~TGRF.
P.S. And also, welcome to the site and the forum! Nice to have you!

[Tornado]

I was also curious what an ombre could be.

You should try your hand at the Fan Fic contest elsinora.

[TGRF]

Originally Posted by Tornado

I was also curious what an ombre could be.

You should try your hand at the Fan Fic contest elsinora.

I think she meant omen, but I'm really not sure what it is supposed to be. Unless it's actually a word I'm not aware of.
~TGRF.

[elsinora]

Originally Posted by The Grim Reaper's Friend

I think she meant omen, but I'm really not sure what it is supposed to be. Unless it's actually a word I'm not aware of.
~TGRF.

Thanks for reading, and for the critique, both of you. I am planning to try the FanFic contest at some point. My brother told me it'd be a good idea, and I hope to when I find the time. And btw, I did mean omen.

[Crixus33]

Bravo! Great read, very engaging and very entertaining. Keep up the good writing.

[TGRF]

Originally Posted by elsinora

Thanks for reading, and for the critique, both of you. I am planning to try the FanFic contest at some point. My brother told me it'd be a good idea, and I hope to when I find the time. And btw, I did mean omen.

I look forward to your entries!

[elsinora]

Originally Posted by The Grim Reaper's Friend

I look forward to your entries!

As do I.