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  #1  
Old April 21st, 2014, 11:36 AM
elsinora's Avatar
elsinora elsinora is offline
 
Join Date: April 19, 2014
Location: USA - IL - Peoria
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elsinora is surprisingly tart
The promise

Hi! I'm new here, but wanted to share this FanFic I wrote. Tell me what you think, and thanks for reading.
Spoiler Alert!
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  #2  
Old April 21st, 2014, 12:29 PM
Tornado's Avatar
Tornado Tornado is offline
Fan Fiction Prompt Master
 
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Location: USA - MI - Kalamazoo
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Tornado is a man of the cloth Tornado is a man of the cloth Tornado is a man of the cloth Tornado is a man of the cloth Tornado is a man of the cloth Tornado is a man of the cloth Tornado is a man of the cloth Tornado is a man of the cloth Tornado is a man of the cloth Tornado is a man of the cloth Tornado is a man of the cloth Tornado is a man of the cloth Tornado is a man of the cloth Tornado is a man of the cloth Tornado is a man of the cloth
Re: The promise

Welcome and well done.

I look forward to your next tale.

A cloud can change its semblance, yet retain its will
With the intimacy of destruction, One knows what it is to be alive
The empty sky holds no reflection, for sorrow
- Eslo Rudkey
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  #3  
Old April 21st, 2014, 01:54 PM
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TGRF TGRF is offline
He should definitely get that. (#4)
 
Join Date: September 19, 2010
Location: USA - ID - Post Falls
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Re: The promise

Wow. You have quite a gift for words. Your descriptions are vivid, but more than that, they are original. The comparisons force the reader to notice them and actually think about them, because they are something he hasn't heard before.
You also portrayed Raelin very well, I thought. You did a good job of capturing her emotions, especially with the length you had to work with.
There were a few missing letters here and there that confused me a bit, as well as some grammatical stuff, such as:
Quote:
now an ombre of death and sadness,

Quote:
and Raelin can’ speak.
Quote:
Stay next to him, protect him. many enemies maybe gone, but there is still more. There will always be more.
In the last quote, 'Many' should be capitalized, 'maybe' should be two words, and 'is' should be 'are.'
Overall, however, a very, very excellent read. Your grammar is flawless save for that last bit near the end. Your style of writing overall is very engaging and grabs the reader's interest very well. Your descriptions are outstanding. I'd say they are the best I've seen in this forum.
I definitely look forward to anything else you have to contribute in the future.
Well done!
~TGRF.
P.S. And also, welcome to the site and the forum! Nice to have you!
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  #4  
Old April 21st, 2014, 02:03 PM
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Tornado Tornado is offline
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Join Date: August 11, 2010
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Tornado is a man of the cloth Tornado is a man of the cloth Tornado is a man of the cloth Tornado is a man of the cloth Tornado is a man of the cloth Tornado is a man of the cloth Tornado is a man of the cloth Tornado is a man of the cloth Tornado is a man of the cloth Tornado is a man of the cloth Tornado is a man of the cloth Tornado is a man of the cloth Tornado is a man of the cloth Tornado is a man of the cloth Tornado is a man of the cloth
Re: The promise

I was also curious what an ombre could be.

You should try your hand at the Fan Fic contest elsinora.

A cloud can change its semblance, yet retain its will
With the intimacy of destruction, One knows what it is to be alive
The empty sky holds no reflection, for sorrow
- Eslo Rudkey
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  #5  
Old April 21st, 2014, 02:07 PM
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TGRF TGRF is offline
He should definitely get that. (#4)
 
Join Date: September 19, 2010
Location: USA - ID - Post Falls
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TGRF is inducted into the Halls of Valhalla TGRF is inducted into the Halls of Valhalla TGRF is inducted into the Halls of Valhalla TGRF is inducted into the Halls of Valhalla TGRF is inducted into the Halls of Valhalla TGRF is inducted into the Halls of Valhalla TGRF is inducted into the Halls of Valhalla TGRF is inducted into the Halls of Valhalla
Re: The promise

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tornado View Post
I was also curious what an ombre could be.

You should try your hand at the Fan Fic contest elsinora.
I think she meant omen, but I'm really not sure what it is supposed to be. Unless it's actually a word I'm not aware of.
~TGRF.
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  #6  
Old April 21st, 2014, 07:42 PM
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elsinora elsinora is offline
 
Join Date: April 19, 2014
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elsinora is surprisingly tart
Re: The promise

Quote:
Originally Posted by The Grim Reaper's Friend View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tornado View Post
I was also curious what an ombre could be.

You should try your hand at the Fan Fic contest elsinora.
I think she meant omen, but I'm really not sure what it is supposed to be. Unless it's actually a word I'm not aware of.
~TGRF.
Thanks for reading, and for the critique, both of you. I am planning to try the FanFic contest at some point. My brother told me it'd be a good idea, and I hope to when I find the time. And btw, I did mean omen.
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  #7  
Old April 21st, 2014, 11:58 PM
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Crixus33 Crixus33 is offline
Pssst...
 
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Re: The promise

Bravo! Great read, very engaging and very entertaining. Keep up the good writing.

"Hello my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die."~Inigo Montoya.


Pssst...
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  #8  
Old April 22nd, 2014, 12:36 AM
TGRF's Avatar
TGRF TGRF is offline
He should definitely get that. (#4)
 
Join Date: September 19, 2010
Location: USA - ID - Post Falls
Posts: 7,607
Images: 8
Blog Entries: 136
TGRF is inducted into the Halls of Valhalla TGRF is inducted into the Halls of Valhalla TGRF is inducted into the Halls of Valhalla TGRF is inducted into the Halls of Valhalla TGRF is inducted into the Halls of Valhalla TGRF is inducted into the Halls of Valhalla TGRF is inducted into the Halls of Valhalla TGRF is inducted into the Halls of Valhalla
Re: The promise

Quote:
Originally Posted by elsinora View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by The Grim Reaper's Friend View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tornado View Post
I was also curious what an ombre could be.

You should try your hand at the Fan Fic contest elsinora.
I think she meant omen, but I'm really not sure what it is supposed to be. Unless it's actually a word I'm not aware of.
~TGRF.
Thanks for reading, and for the critique, both of you. I am planning to try the FanFic contest at some point. My brother told me it'd be a good idea, and I hope to when I find the time. And btw, I did mean omen.
I look forward to your entries!
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  #9  
Old April 22nd, 2014, 07:40 PM
elsinora's Avatar
elsinora elsinora is offline
 
Join Date: April 19, 2014
Location: USA - IL - Peoria
Posts: 18
elsinora is surprisingly tart
Re: The promise

Quote:
Originally Posted by The Grim Reaper's Friend View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by elsinora View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by The Grim Reaper's Friend View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tornado View Post
I was also curious what an ombre could be.

You should try your hand at the Fan Fic contest elsinora.
I think she meant omen, but I'm really not sure what it is supposed to be. Unless it's actually a word I'm not aware of.
~TGRF.
Thanks for reading, and for the critique, both of you. I am planning to try the FanFic contest at some point. My brother told me it'd be a good idea, and I hope to when I find the time. And btw, I did mean omen.
I look forward to your entries!
As do I.

"I'll say it one last time; be brave." Veronica Roth

I have a thing for quotes...

Read my Fanfic! http://www.heroscapers.com/community...ad.php?t=50148
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