Heartbreak

I've had my first experience with heartbreak. It wasn't at all like I expected it would be. I guess it's different for everyone. Personal things tend to be. For me, it's been an emptiness, an aching hollowness. My counselor compared heartbreak to losing a loved one. She said I'd go through the grieving process, and that it'd be tough. It'd be tough. She said time would make things better; that's what's always said. I'm about a month in, and it's not any better. If anything, it's worse.

I miss her. I miss her something terrible. But she's moved on. In hindsight, she never really cared that much for me. It hurts, admitting that. It hurts to admit that I fell in love with a girl that didn't care too much for me. But I did. And it was wonderful for the short time it lasted. I can't help but look back on those memories and think about what could've been. What might have happened. My counselor called that kind of thinking "ruminating" and told me not to do it. But it's hard. It's hard to go from thinking about someone every minute to blocking them out completely.

I've been avoiding her. It sounds cowardly, even to my own ears, but I know that if I see her again the old emotions and feelings will come back. I catch glimpses of her every now and then, and it stops my heart. It's like a punch in the stomach, especially when I see her with the guy she picked over me. It hurts, hurts something awful.

What I miss most is having someone to talk to. We'd talk all day long, and it was wonderful. I'd never really had someone to talk to like that, and it's a great thing. But now she's gone. I'll find myself reading something or hearing something and thinking "Man, I bet she'd really love this!" and picking up my phone to call her and then realizing she doesn't want to hear from me anymore.

It's tough. It'll probably get tougher. I just got to keep looking ahead and chugging forward, I guess. Things will get better. I just wish it'd hurry up.