Swamper

I think I'm beginning to grow up. It's a sneaky thing- it has to be, because if I knew it was happening, I would never comply. But lately I've found myself... miscontent? Malcontent? Unhappy? None of those are quite right. I think restless may be a better fit. The things that once held my interest and made me happy don't quite feel the same. I'm starting to find myself thinking about other things, wanting something new and exciting to do. Apparently it's a part of growing up.

A big part of this restlessness is the newfound desire to share my life with someone. I've always been content with my own company. And the company of others, too. Either or, I was pretty happy. But it seems more and more I'm looking for a person to really know, something that goes beyond a superficial, skin deep relationship. I guess that's part of growing up, too. I've had a "best friend" since elementary school, but the more I think about it, the more I realize I don't really...

My senior year is almost over. This morning, I read about a humongous black hole that had trapped a planet in it's gravity field and was slowly stripping it apart. Apparently, the black hole is kinda like a whirlpool, sucking the planet closer and closer in until it's finally demolished. As the planet turns, the gravity from the black hole sucks everything from one side to the other. The article referred to it as "shearing" the planet. Made me think of a sheep, sheared, no hair at all. I can almost envision in my mind the planet, all of it's mountains and trees and oceans being pulled from one side to the other in a constant tug-of-war.

If we were to use that as an analogy, I would probably be the planet. College/The end of HS/Leaving everything I've ever known would probably be the black hole. It keeps sucking me in, closer and closer. I can no more escape the end of this phase of my life than that planet could escape the black hole.

In...

"Unilateral hearing loss (UHL) or single-sided deafness (SSD) is a type of hearing impairment where there is normal hearing in one ear and impaired hearing in the other ear."

-Wikipedia

I'll walk into a room, and my head begins to spin. I've gotten used to the sensation, and there is a checklist that I progress through whenever I enter a new room.

1) How many people? How much background noise? Where is the main group?

2) Is there anyone here I know, or anyone that looks like they may want to talk? I need to keep track of them so that if they come up on my bad side I'll know they're there.

3) What's the layout of the room? How are the people grouped up? Where can I go where I will be able to participate and interact the best?

While I'm going through this, my head is on a swivel. I have no hearing in my left ear, so I have to constantly turn my head to figure out where certain sounds are...

I've had my first experience with heartbreak. It wasn't at all like I expected it would be. I guess it's different for everyone. Personal things tend to be. For me, it's been an emptiness, an aching hollowness. My counselor compared heartbreak to losing a loved one. She said I'd go through the grieving process, and that it'd be tough. It'd be tough. She said time would make things better; that's what's always said. I'm about a month in, and it's not any better. If anything, it's worse.

I miss her. I miss her something terrible. But she's moved on. In hindsight, she never really cared that much for me. It hurts, admitting that. It hurts to admit that I fell in love with a girl that didn't care too much for me. But I did. And it was wonderful for the short time it lasted. I can't help but look back on those memories and think about what could've been. What might have happened. My counselor called that kind of thinking "ruminating" and told me...

I'll take my chances babe I'll risk it all. I'll win your heart or I'll take the fall.

-You'll Accompany Me, written by Bob Seger

For those of you that have been keeping up with my senior year exploits, y'all know that I've had my eye on this girl for a while. It's been rough going for a while, I'll be honest with you. I've asked her out twice on formal dates, and gotten an excuse both times a couple of hours before the date. Both excuses seemed plausible, and she really seemed disappointed that she couldn't make it. I've asked her to other less formal spur of the moments things as well, but she's always busy. What really makes this hard is that I know she really does have all of this stuff that she has to do, so I can't tell if she's brushing me off or if these are legit excuses.

I'm asking her to go to Taco Bell for that free taco (Muchas gracias Pagan!) tomorrow. I have a good feeling that she'll say yes. One of my strengths is my...