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The Joke Thread

SirGalahad

SirGalahad

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The Joke Thread​

:lol:This is the joke thread where you can post any funny, stupid, or interesting joke.:lol:​


(please make the jokes mostly appropriate, keep it in the PG zone.)​

I will be posting a joke of the day for yall to laugh at.

First up a real knee slapper!


What was Beethoven favorite fruit?​


Spoiler Alert!


communication, or service
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Assistants
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Contest winners!
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An officer pulls over an elderly gentleman and his wife for driving too slowly.
"What's wrong officer, I was going the speed limit. 25."
"Sir, that's the route number." The officer then notices that the man's wife is wide-eyed and pale faced. "What's wrong with her?"
"Oh her? Nothing", says the man,"We just got off route 135."
 
There is a Magician who works on a Cruise Ship. He had a pet parrot. After a few years the parrot learned how all the tricks work and began giving them away.
"*Squack* its up his sleeve," or "*Rawk* its in a hidden compartment *Rawk*," it would say. After a month the spectators became disinterested with the show and less and less came. Finally during one of those shows as the parrot was ruining yet another trick the Magician whips out a 9 millimeter out of his magic hat and shoots at the bird. The parrot is narrowly missed and the bullet strikes a propane tank blowing up the whole ship. Only the Magician and parrot survive clinging to a piece of wood. After the Magician giving a death stare to the parrot for two days the parrot finally looks around and says, "Okay I give up where's the darn* ship."

*I'm not allowed using the joke's intended word I think
 
Maidens three do grace a lowly tavern with their presence, and the patrons do observe a trio of bewitching females. The one with hair like summer gold, another with hair as black as ebony, the third with a mane of auburn locks. And the barkeep doth look up from his post, and cry out for all the room to hear, "What 'tis this before mine eyes? Dost this be a jest?"
 
Joke of the Day​

Todays is a real tummy tickler!​

What did the Buffallo mother say to her son when he left for college?

Spoiler Alert!
​
 
Crixus33 said:
There is a Magician who works on a Cruise Ship. He had a pet parrot. After a few years the parrot learned how all the tricks work and began giving them away.
"*Squack* its up his sleeve," or "*Rawk* its in a hidden compartment *Rawk*," it would say. After a month the spectators became disinterested with the show and less and less came. Finally during one of those shows as the parrot was ruining yet another trick the Magician whips out a 9 millimeter out of his magic hat and shoots at the bird. The parrot is narrowly missed and the bullet strikes a propane tank blowing up the whole ship. Only the Magician and parrot survive clinging to a piece of wood. After the Magician giving a death stare to the parrot for two days the parrot finally looks around and says, "Okay I give up where's the darn* ship."

*I'm not allowed using the joke's intended word I think
Click to expand...

Please do share the rest of your jokes when you want
 
A duck walks into a bar and asks for a peanut butter sandwich. The bartender tells him they don't have any and the duck leaves. Next day the duck comes in again asking for a peanut butter sandwich. Bartender says, "listen here duck - we don't got none and we ain't gonna get none, now get outta here." Next day, duck comes sauntering in and the little vein in the bartender's head starts pulsing. Duck asks once more, "can I have a peanut butter sandwich?" "No we ain't, ya stupid duck, now get outta this bar and if ya ever asks me fer a peanut butter sandwich again I'm gonne nail yer little webbed feet to the floor."

Next day the duck walks in and the bartender looks like he's going to explode. The duck asks "do you have any nails?" "What, you stupid duck, no I don't have any nails!" "Oh, in that case... can I have a peanut butter sandwich?"
 
A Shade of Bleakwoode stealth flies into a bar.
The bartender says 'Hey buddy, why the long face?'
 
Aldin said:
A duck walks into a bar and asks for a peanut butter sandwich. The bartender tells him they don't have any and the duck leaves. Next day the duck comes in again asking for a peanut butter sandwich. Bartender says, "listen here duck - we don't got none and we ain't gonna get none, now get outta here." Next day, duck comes sauntering in and the little vein in the bartender's head starts pulsing. Duck asks once more, "can I have a peanut butter sandwich?" "No we ain't, ya stupid duck, now get outta this bar and if ya ever asks me fer a peanut butter sandwich again I'm gonne nail yer little webbed feet to the floor."

Next day the duck walks in and the bartender looks like he's going to explode. The duck asks "do you have any nails?" "What, you stupid duck, no I don't have any nails!" "Oh, in that case... can I have a peanut butter sandwich?"
Click to expand...
If you want to hear this joke in song form...
 
Aldin said:
A duck walks into a bar and asks for a peanut butter sandwich. The bartender tells him they don't have any and the duck leaves. Next day the duck comes in again asking for a peanut butter sandwich. Bartender says, "listen here duck - we don't got none and we ain't gonna get none, now get outta here." Next day, duck comes sauntering in and the little vein in the bartender's head starts pulsing. Duck asks once more, "can I have a peanut butter sandwich?" "No we ain't, ya stupid duck, now get outta this bar and if ya ever asks me fer a peanut butter sandwich again I'm gonne nail yer little webbed feet to the floor."

Next day the duck walks in and the bartender looks like he's going to explode. The duck asks "do you have any nails?" "What, you stupid duck, no I don't have any nails!" "Oh, in that case... can I have a peanut butter sandwich?"
Click to expand...

:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:​
 
How do you catch an elephant?

First, you need to dig a really big hole. Second, you need to get a bunch of ash and fill the hole with ash. Lastly, you need to line the hole with peas. Now it's a waiting game. When the elephant walks up to the hole to take a pea, you kick him in the ash hole.
 
Balantai said:
How do you catch an elephant?

First, you need to dig a really big hole. Second, you need to get a bunch of ash and fill the hole with ash. Lastly, you need to line the hole with peas. Now it's a waiting game. When the elephant walks up to the hole to take a pea, you kick him in the ash hole.
Click to expand...

:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:

This is my new favorite joke​
 
A seal walks into a bar and sits down at a table. The waitress approaches him and asks, "What'll it be?"

The seal responds, "Anything but a Canadian Club."
 
A border patrol agent is on his last day and he sees an illegal immigrant coming across the Mexican/American border. He approaches him and begins to arrest him.

"You know, this is my last day, and I don't want to do paperwork today, so I'm going to make you a deal. I'm going to go ahead and give you an English test, and if you pass, I'll pretend I didn't see you. Do you understand what I've told you?"

"Si, amigo!" exclaims the immigrant.

The border patrolman thinks for a moment and explains, "OK, buddy, here it is. If you can use these three words in a complete sentence, in English, then you pass and you're free to go. The three words are: Pink, Yellow, and Green."

The immigrant thinks for a minute, and then, with great pride, says, "I have it, jefe. My phone, it goes green, green, green, so I pink it up and say, yellow?"
 
Why did the dog cross the road?
To get to the barking lot.

Why did the soldier flush the toilet?
It was his doody.
 
As a bartender was drying out a glass in a lightly populated bar he watched a rather drunk man stagger over to the bar counter. The man leans heavily on the bar points a finger at the bartender and gets a cocky look on his face. He says, "I bet you ten-thousand dollars I can pee in that glass all the way across the bar from the opposite wall without missing."
The bartender gladly takes the bet and they shake on it. The drunk man staggers over to the wall and begins the bet. His aim is horrendous and he pees on just about everyone and everything in the bar, but not a single drop lands in the glass. The bartender begins jumping up and down shouting, "I won ten-thousand dollars, I won ten-thousand dollars!"
The man staggers back to the bar smiling and writes a check for the bartender. While he fills out the check nthe bartender couldn't help but to ask, "Why are you smiling?"
The man states "Well you see that gentleman in the corner weeping. I bet him a hundred-thousand dollars I could urinate all over your bar and you would jump for joy."
 
How can you tell if you are at a Mezzodemon nudist colony?
Spoiler Alert!


Why is plumbing a dangerous job on Marr?
Spoiler Alert!



Evar, Siege, and Sudema were all walking down the street together when the topic of exes came up. The boys, wanting to impress, started to brag.

Siege started, 'Want to know what I do with my ex? I activate CRAG OF STEEL and become a rock solid impenatrable fortress and can strike at all around me.'

Scarcarver laughed, 'Want to know what I do with my ex? My FROST RAGE becomes uncontrollable and I can smash even the toughest of foes or even 2!.'

The men turned towards Sudema with an air of superiorty.

'And what about you?'

Sudema kept walking and replied, 'I don't have an ex. I just have one more garden statue.'
 
A top US sniper returned home for a break from his mission and decided to spend some time with his father. They went fishing together...

When they were out in the lake on their canoe, a flock of birds flew over them. The sniper smirked to himself, stood up, and cocked his rifle. He took aim at the flock above and fired a single shot *BANG*

The flock flew by safely... The sniper looked on in disbelief and cursed, "Frag, bugger! I missed!"

His father shook his head and said, "Son, you shouldn't curse. God will punish you."

The sniper ignored his father and looked into the distance grumpily. Suddenly another flock of birds flew into view. He quickly brought up his weapon again and fired - two shots this time. *BANG* *BANG*

The flock flew past them safely...

"FRAG! BASKET! I MISSED AGAIN!" The sniper roared. His father sighed, "Son, you really shouldn't curse like that... God really will punish you."

The sniper sat down angrily and pretended to continue fishing. At that moment, a third flock appeared and flew over them. This time, the sniper stood up and cocked his weapon with a resolute look on his face. He emptied his entire chamber, all his bullets loaded into them one after another in rapid succession. *BANGBANGBANGBANGBANG* Alas, still the birds flew by, and none fell from the skies.

"FRAG! BASKET! I MISSSSSED!" He shouted into the skies.

At this moment, dark clouds suddenly appeared and gathered directly above the canoe. In a loud flash, a bolt of lightning struck the canoe hard, causing dust and timber to splinter and fly. When the smoke cleared, the sniper was still standing, but his father had died from the lightning strike.

A powerful booming voice then thundered across the lake, "FRAG! BASKET! I MISSED!"
 
A robber has been watching a house for several days to make sure that the owners are gone. When he's absolutely certain they are gone, he breaks into their house. When he gets into the living room, he hears a loud voice say, "God is watching you!" "Who's there?" he yells while turning around. "God is watching you!" the voice says again, causing the robber to turn towards the source of the sound: a large parrot. "You're a cute bird, aren't you? What's your name, birdie?" "Edmund," the bird replies. "Edmund, who names their bird Edmund?" the robber says. "The same person who names their pit-bull God," replies the parrot.
 
kevindola said:
How can you tell if you are at a Mezzodemon nudist colony?
Spoiler Alert!


Why is plumbing a dangerous job on Marr?
Spoiler Alert!



Evar, Siege, and Sudema were all walking down the street together when the topic of exes came up. The boys, wanting to impress, started to brag.

Siege started, 'Want to know what I do with my ex? I activate CRAG OF STEEL and become a rock solid impenatrable fortress and can strike at all around me.'

Scarcarver laughed, 'Want to know what I do with my ex? My FROST RAGE becomes uncontrollable and I can smash even the toughest of foes or even 2!.'

The men turned towards Sudema with an air of superiorty.

'And what about you?'

Sudema kept walking and replied, 'I don't have an ex. I just have one more garden statue.'
Click to expand...

I gotta love the heroscape jokes
 
:twisted:

What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?

Spoiler Alert!


What's 25 sizes larger than an A bra?

Spoiler Alert!
 
Three men walked into a hotel. You would think at least one of them would have seen it.

What do you get when you drop a piano into a mineshaft?

Spoiler Alert!
 
Joke of the Day​

The missing limbs collection!​

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs standing on a porch?
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What do you call a man with no arms no legs out in the middle of the ocean?
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What is a good name for a lady with only one leg?
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What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a bush?
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What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs hanging on a wall?
Spoiler Alert!


What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in a mailbox?
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What do you call a guy with no arms no legs flying over a fence?
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What do you call a guy with no arms or legs waterskiing?
Spoiler Alert!
 
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