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APOSTLE'S CREED - a zombie story

Re: THE MOON HAS WINGS Ch. 25 - a zombie story

Good ol' Photoshop. Basic brush tool using colors close to Heroscaper's background and made slightly transparent. Then sized down to 75x75 pixels.

~TAF
... So you just drew them free-hand? I might need to hire you for cover design...

~TGRF.
 
Re: THE MOON HAS WINGS - a zombie story

Yes. This post is real. It's happening.

I've finished the rewriting for the first Dilmir sequel (you're not the only one who can do shameless plugs, TAF), and it's generally my practice to try my best to forget about the story for a day or two before going back to edit it. I'm in that phase now, and figured what better way to forget one story than by reading another? So here I am. You've read my works and given me your thoughts, TAF; it's high time I return the favor.

I like to post my thoughts chapter by chapter, so that's my plan. When I finish the story, I'll post my thoughts as a whole. Also, I am known as a grammar freak by certain unnamed individuals, but am also aware that pointing out grammar flaws might not be the most sought-after criticism. So I'll refrain from doing that unless you really want it.

----

On with the review! I've only read the prologue and chapter one so far, but I can tell you have a way of conveying action which just... works. There isn't much description, sometimes none at all, but I can just see the whole thing unfolding in my head.

I've also liked how you start dropping hints which we the readers know mean something bad, but the characters don't pick up on right away. Because then we know what's coming, and are waiting for it to happen. It wouldn't work over the long term, because then the character just seems dumb, but over the space of a few paragraphs, it works great. Once you said Angie didn't pass Thomas on the last trip, I knew what was coming.

I also especially loved the comparison of the apartment building to a domino. Just a really good description I wouldn't have thought of. I could see the shape perfectly.

A few nitpicks: How do people protest a comet? I mean obviously there's more to these comets than we know right now, but nothing suggests they're man-made, so... how is protesting them going to help?

There was kind of an abrupt transition to Silvin's PoV at the end of chapter 1. It didn't really throw me that much, but it did seem odd.

Oh, and Silvin... great name for a villain. Love that.

I'll edit additional thoughts here as I continue reading, barring replies.

~TGRF.
 
Re: THE MOON HAS WINGS - a zombie story

I honestly need to reread this sucker myself for various reasons. If for no other reason than to jog my writing muscles for how I used to pen these things. Should've read Peak of Emptyness if you wanted a quicker jaunt through my work. ;)

The Grim Reaper's Friend said:
A few nitpicks: How do people protest a comet? I mean obviously there's more to these comets than we know right now, but nothing suggests they're man-made, so... how is protesting them going to help?

I can't quite recall my reasoning at the time of writing but it may have been a play on how people protest everything. Or perhaps protesting a lack of government response or lack of space program funding that could've produced a preventative measure beforehand.

The Grim Reaper's Friend said:
There was kind of an abrupt transition to Silvin's PoV at the end of chapter 1. It didn't really throw me that much, but it did seem odd.

I think just about everything I write has this problem, since I often subconsciously write as if for the screen so cutting to the villain for one shot is expected. This story is supposed to not have that issue though since 3rd person perspective was one of the goals going into it. :shrug:

The Grim Reaper's Friend said:
Oh, and Silvin... great name for a villain. Love that.

Have fun with chapter 6.

~TAF, glad to have some traction and maybe it'll give you some ideas for current or future projects. Also definitely let me know of any grammatical issues so I can fix them
 
Re: THE MOON HAS WINGS - a zombie story

Also definitely let me know of any grammatical issues so I can fix them
Well since you asked:
Prologue:
Spoiler Alert!

Chapter 1:
Spoiler Alert!

Concerning Peak of Emptiness... I don't do well with horror. If I get freaked out writing my own short horror story, I can guess that reading yours - when you've mentioned Silent Hill 2 so much - is probably not the best of ideas.
~TGRF.
 
Re: THE MOON HAS WINGS - a zombie story

Finished chapter 4. Immediate impressions:

:shock::wtf::confused:

Okay now you've got me. It was getting a bit rocky there.

Thoughts so far:
Spoiler Alert!

Grammar stuff:
Spoiler Alert!

~TGRF.
 
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Re: THE MOON HAS WINGS - a zombie story

The Grim Reaper's Friend said:
Finished chapter 4. Immediate impressions:

:shock::wtf::confused:

giphy.gif


The Grim Reaper's Friend said:
Two things are starting to bug me. Firstly, a lack of characterization. I know it's early on and I know this is a zombie tale with action and all that, but those first introductions are critical for giving readers a basic idea of who the characters are.

I'm wondering if this is a result of (again with the exception of Thomas) opening mid-hook for everyone else a.k.a. character establishment having to wait until later. I guess we'll see if that strategy pays off or not depending on if you warm to any of the characters over time or remain disinterested as things go along. :ponder:

The Grim Reaper's Friend said:
EDIT: One caveat I've thought of here: There IS characterization going on, just in the way these people act and speak. I can tell little differences, like I know Header has more control than Thorn, and Stacey is a little fiery where Brooke isn't. BUT, these are just traits.

That is a huge chunk of how I tend to characterize so that may be an issue.

The Grim Reaper's Friend said:
Firstly, since the beginning the soldiers have made comments about 'we're all dead anyway', and I don't know what that means. Secondly, the guy with the blue eye is obviously known by the soldiers, but that isn't explained.

I think both of these are misunderstandings so I will explain because you're not going to get answers to either of them in the text moving forward. Firstly any references to everyone being dead already is referring to the previously-mentioned comets that are expected to hit the Earth. Secondly the soldiers did not know who Nazar was, mistaking him for a civilian at first until he flashed an ID card that was a sufficient identifier of some sort of military rank. So just for reference they do not know who he is, only that he outranks them and as such they do what he says.

Spoiler Alert!


Also thanks again with the grammar. The result of being a one-man editing team is my uncanny ability to reread the same thing several times and miss an obvious typo or error every singe time I do it.

~TAF, also rereading along at this point
 
Re: THE MOON HAS WINGS - a zombie story

The Grim Reaper's Friend said:
Two things are starting to bug me. Firstly, a lack of characterization. I know it's early on and I know this is a zombie tale with action and all that, but those first introductions are critical for giving readers a basic idea of who the characters are.

I'm wondering if this is a result of (again with the exception of Thomas) opening mid-hook for everyone else a.k.a. character establishment having to wait until later. I guess we'll see if that strategy pays off or not depending on if you warm to any of the characters over time or remain disinterested as things go along. :ponder:

That is a huge chunk of how I tend to characterize so that may be an issue.
Well there's lots of ways to show character through action, and especially interaction. In fact, it's something I'm trying to get better at. It just matters what you show. Like for instance, I was thinking the other night that with a few minor tweaks, you could have generated massive sympathy for Brooke when she played the guitar, if you focused on why she was doing it. If she was doing it specifically to cheer the others up, that would go a long way towards making her more heroic. Even if she was just playing to cheer/calm herself, that's something, as she's resisting the effects of the apocalypse in her own way. But as it stands, I can only guess at why she did that. There are hints, yes, but nothing super solid.

Side note: When operating with a group like this, you've got to be careful to keep sympathy more or less balanced between them. If one character has far more sympathy than others, the reader starts to tire of the less-sympathetic characters and hold every little thing against them.

You can totally open mid-hook; I do it all the time. It's a great way to suck the reader into the action. But making sure we care about the characters ASAP is critical. I like to open mid-hook, with the character doing something sure to gain them sympathy. Dan opens as the victim of an injustice. So does Dilmir. Raelin opens conflicted between a selfish desire and a selfless one. Utgar opens with discipline, strength, and soon afterwards, resourcefulness.
TAF said:
The Grim Reaper's Friend said:
Firstly, since the beginning the soldiers have made comments about 'we're all dead anyway', and I don't know what that means. Secondly, the guy with the blue eye is obviously known by the soldiers, but that isn't explained.

I think both of these are misunderstandings so I will explain because you're not going to get answers to either of them in the text moving forward. Firstly any references to everyone being dead already is referring to the previously-mentioned comets that are expected to hit the Earth. Secondly the soldiers did not know who Nazar was, mistaking him for a civilian at first until he flashed an ID card that was a sufficient identifier of some sort of military rank. So just for reference they do not know who he is, only that he outranks them and as such they do what he says.

Spoiler Alert!
Ah, okay. I didn't know the comets were sure to hit the earth, it sounded like they were moving too fast to tell. My immediate question though is... what happened to them in that case? Four months have gone by... are they still there?

~TGRF, off to read some more.
 
Re: THE MOON HAS WINGS - a zombie story

So I've read chapter 5 and... 5 part two? Anyway, I wanted to get some thoughts in before I get into chapter 6, seeing as it promises to... shake things up a bit.

Spoiler Alert!

Grammar:
Spoiler Alert!

~TGRF.
 
Re: THE MOON HAS WINGS - a zombie story

Have read chapters 6, 7, and Thorn's story.

Some thoughts:
Spoiler Alert!

Grammar:
Spoiler Alert!

~TGRF, will read more soon.
 
Re: THE MOON HAS WINGS - a zombie story

Grammar for 8, 9, and 10:
Spoiler Alert!

Speculation:
Spoiler Alert!

~TGRF, will read more.
 
Re: THE MOON HAS WINGS - a zombie story

Spoiler Alert!


~TAF , will make those corrections later
 
Re: THE MOON HAS WINGS - a zombie story

Now through chapter 13.

Some thoughts and further speculation:
Spoiler Alert!

Some minor grammar stuff, for 11 & 12:
Spoiler Alert!

~TGRF, really, really trying to come up with an explanation. And failing.

P.S. I'm actually curious about that writing. Because if Abbey woke up and found it, then it's either just appearing or there's someone with serious calligraphy skills out there. But if she wrote it herself, then we're dealing with mind control, which is a whole different ball game.

P.P.S. Seriously though, I feel like you'd enjoy SYLO. Give it a read. The way he revealed the final twist was masterful, manipulating your expectations throughout two books like I've never seen.
 
Re: THE MOON HAS WINGS - a zombie story

I've read through chapter 16. However, I did so on my phone, so I wasn't able to note grammar stuff for 13-16. Nothing out of the ordinary.

Generally, in what zombie movies I've seen, once the characters reach the 'safe haven', it's only a matter of time before someone does something stupid, and everyone has to evacuate as the place goes up in flames around them. Either that, or the 'safe haven' turns out to be run by crazy cultists or something. But because you said you haven't seen much zombie media, and because twists are kind of your thing, I'm curious to see what happens next. We need more clues about the moon. And Nazar. And the writing. And the stove. More clues!

~TGRF.

P.S. I'm going to turn my attention back to the Dilmir stories, so the rate at which I read will probably slow down. But I'll definitely be reading to the end, if only to see how on earth the moon actually has wings.
 
Re: THE MOON HAS WINGS - a zombie story

The Grim Reaper's Friend said:
I've read through chapter 16. However, I did so on my phone, so I wasn't able to note grammar stuff for 13-16. Nothing out of the ordinary.

I've been doing some grammar fixes of my own as I've been rereading so it should be okay. But then it's not like I didn't do those on my original editing and reread-before-posting processes. Er, well keep an eye out for anything blatantly incorrect as you go.

The Grim Reaper's Friend said:
P.S. I'm going to turn my attention back to the Dilmir stories, so the rate at which I read will probably slow down. But I'll definitely be reading to the end, if only to see how on earth the moon actually has wings.

OK. Perhaps reading this has given you some new writing ideas that could be applied to future works.

~TAF
 
Re: THE MOON HAS WINGS - a zombie story

OK. Perhaps reading this has given you some new writing ideas that could be applied to future works.

~TAF
It definitely has a feel to it I like, but can't really describe. Something about zombie stories just seem to get me for some reason, and yours definitely has that feel to it. Just reading this made me want to write my own zombie story again. So figuring out what that is would certainly be a good idea in the future. I'm also studying the way the plot unfolds - I think it will be helpful in my Dilmir stories.

I'll definitely try to get in at least one chapter a day. Which would be easier if they were shorter...;)

~TGRF.
 
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Re: THE MOON HAS WINGS - a zombie story

So I've read through chapter 21 and have some thoughts:
Spoiler Alert!

~TGRF.
 
Re: THE MOON HAS WINGS - a zombie story

Getting your internal vision across to the reader is the eternal struggle, isn't it? Sometimes it's easy to forget that they have literally nothing to work with until you give them details.

Spoiler Alert!


~TAF, having finished his reread
 
Re: THE MOON HAS WINGS - TGRF's Exhaustive Review

So I have this morning finished reading, and after gathering my thoughts for a couple of hours, am ready to commence with the review.

I'm going to break this down into a few sections, and then I'll give my rating for the fiction as a whole. Sections are in no particular order, with both good and bad together. I'll provide my thoughts on the story as a whole at the end. There's a lot to get through here, so reserve judgement until the end.

Firstly, Characters
Spoiler Alert!

Description
Spoiler Alert!

Stakes
Spoiler Alert!

Twists and Unknowns
Spoiler Alert!

Unanswered Questions
Spoiler Alert!

The story as a whole
Spoiler Alert!

And there you have it. Most of the great writers here have written their version of a zombie story at some point (at least in my time), and this is definitely one to add to those records. I've included some general grammar stuff below, but that's about it. A fine read, and I hope you write another story soon.

But maybe shorten the chapters a bit? Those were some long sittings.

Grammar (short)
Spoiler Alert!

~TGRF.
 
Re: THE MOON HAS WINGS - a zombie story

Up to Chapter 14 in the two days I've discovered this one...good story so far...and I'm not a fan of the Zombie genre either - probably why I kept holding off.
 
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Re: THE MOON HAS WINGS - a zombie story

AMIS said:
Up to Chapter 14 in the two days I've discovered this one...good story so far...and I'm not a fan of the Zombie genre either - probably why I kept holding off.

o_O 14 TAF-length chapters in two days? Hopefully you are enjoying it at that pace, especially if you do not normally enjoy zombie stuff. Feel free to let me know if you have any feedback, thoughts, critiques, etc.

~TAF, who should probably add that size thing in before it's too late
 
Re: THE MOON HAS WINGS - a zombie story

AMIS said:
Up to Chapter 14 in the two days I've discovered this one...good story so far...and I'm not a fan of the Zombie genre either - probably why I kept holding off.

o_O 14 TAF-length chapters in two days? Hopefully you are enjoying it at that pace, especially if you do not normally enjoy zombie stuff. Feel free to let me know if you have any feedback, thoughts, critiques, etc.

~TAF, who should probably add that size thing in before it's too late
Speaking of TAF-sized chapters, something I'd recommend is breaking them up. Just split them up between several spoilers. Within reason, and at obvious breaks, of course. Sometimes while reading, I'd have to stop to go do something, and it would take me a long time to find my place again. Splitting the chapters up into more manageable chunks would definitely help with that.

~TGRF, :2cents:
 
Re: THE MOON HAS WINGS - a zombie story

Yes I did notice that when checking back on Apocalypse. At the time I didn't know why you were doing it.

~TAF
 
Re: THE MOON HAS WINGS - a zombie story

Just finished, I'll digest and edit this for bit.
Here's my views in the spoiler.

Spoiler Alert!


Initial thoughts;
Fantastic pacing throughout
Not enough closure

Still unsure why the moon has wings...is it the same reason as buffalo? :)

9/10
 
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Re: THE MOON HAS WINGS - a zombie story

@AMIS As one who enjoys using zombies and vampires as antagonists in his writing, I'm kind of curious what you don't like about them, and what kept you coming back to this story despite that. Would be curious to know what worked there.

~TGRF.
 
Re: THE MOON HAS WINGS - a zombie story

I'm actually not sure. I think the brotherly relationship between Header and Thorn is what originally had me hooked.

Most Zombie and Vampire tales focus too much on the monsters and not enough on the protagonists (don't get me started on the monster protagonist stories).

With all due apologies to @TheAverageFan , the monsters in this were almost an add-on. The building of relationships between some of the characters, most notably the soldiers and Thomas and Brooke, made me curious as to how they would (or would not) survive. The other relationship I was hoping to see more of was Reed and his father. But that would been real tough to include.

Silvan was also interesting as the all round evil archetype. The monsters were okay as expendable bad guys but Silvan and his past with the soldiers was interesting.

Remember a story is only as good as it's main characters which inevitably leads to their relationships. So what seems like action, is generally just filler.

At least that's how I view it.

The more I digest this story the more I liked it.
 
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