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  #1  
Old February 22nd, 2011, 01:13 AM
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Zombies - The End

Ok. I don't write much so please don't be too brutal with grammar and what not but suggestions and feedback are appreciated. This is the beginning of my short zombie story:

SLAM. Dante Matthews placed his book on the night table a little bit harder than he meant to, but he didnít care. He worked as a cop in a small but in no way quiet town. Every day seemed like some new crime that apparently only he could work out. There were only 3-4 other cops in Crownsville, New Jersey so he earned every cent of his paycheck. A solid punch fluffed his pillow and within a couple seconds Danteís head came to rest on it, eyes closed. Just as he was slipping into sleep, however, a distant moan drifted into his room. He opened his eyes but remained motionless, trying to find the sound. Again it came, and he got up from his bed. It was definitely a human voice, and he detected a distinct pained tone to it. As Dante descended the staircase, the voice got louder. He walked down the long hallway to his front door, which was only illuminated by the full moon. Shivers crept up his spine as his bare feet pressed against the cold, hard wooden floor. Reaching the front door, he peered out and saw a silhouetted figure staggering along the road, moaning. Perhaps it was just a drunk coming home from the bar after receiving bad news. That sounded good enough for Dante and because sleep was rapidly overcoming him and the man didnít seem to be doing any harm, he went back upstairs to his bedroom.

Later again his eyes were shut when he heard a noise from outside. This time, however, it was a knock on his door. He got up and left his room for the second time, assuming it was the drunk again. The knocking turned to scratching, and he stopped for a second, thinking that it may also be an animal. Reaching the door, Dante looked out only to fall backwards as a face slammed into the window. Yellow eyes stared at him blankly as a figure with a contorted grin and a gray, bleeding face pressed itself against the door, moaning loudly and swinging its limbs against the wall. Dante stared up in horror as this creature continued to pound the door with its arms. He ran up to his bedroom to grab his Glock, and upon finding it rushed back downstairs, still hearing the loud thuds of the creature. Shockingly, when he reached the door it was strangely silent and calm. This puzzled Dante. He raised his pistol and crept closer. Then he realized that the door was partially open. He quickly whirled around but only to see a fiendish smile and a strong, decayed hand clamp around his throat. His pistol dropped to the ground with a heavy thud as it slipped from his limp hands.

Dante shot up in bed in a cold sweat.

Last edited by BassistofDoom; June 15th, 2011 at 01:54 AM.
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  #2  
Old February 22nd, 2011, 01:30 AM
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Re: Zombies

It would be more appropriate here.
http://www.heroscapers.com/community...splay.php?f=17
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  #3  
Old February 22nd, 2011, 01:32 AM
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Re: Zombies

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I was trying to decide whether it should go here or in Fan Art and Fiction but I was told that this would be better. If an Admin feels otherwise than please move it.
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  #4  
Old February 25th, 2011, 09:45 PM
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Re: Zombies

Nice story, I'm looking forward to more.

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  #5  
Old February 25th, 2011, 10:17 PM
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Re: Zombies

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Nice story, I'm looking forward to more.
Thanks! I'm hoping to have the next part up this weekend.
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  #6  
Old February 25th, 2011, 10:31 PM
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Re: Zombies

Cool! +rep
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  #7  
Old February 25th, 2011, 10:35 PM
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Re: Zombies

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Cool! +rep
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Yay! It happened to me! There's a certain amount of time you have to wait in between giving the same user rep.
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  #8  
Old February 25th, 2011, 10:57 PM
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Re: Zombies

And you have to mix a certain number of other 'Scapers in between, too.

Looking good, BoD.

For fast-paced action I think you probably want shorter paragraphs, but for a guy who claims he doesn't write much you have a very natural style.

Keep it up!

I'll see you and your horde of Death Chasers tomorrow.

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  #9  
Old February 26th, 2011, 12:52 AM
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Re: Zombies

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Originally Posted by Dad_Scaper View Post
And you have to mix a certain number of other 'Scapers in between, too.

Looking good, BoD.

For fast-paced action I think you probably want shorter paragraphs, but for a guy who claims he doesn't write much you have a very natural style.

Keep it up!

I'll see you and your horde of Death Chasers tomorrow.
Thanks! I write occasionally for school but both my older brother and my father are good writers so I guess it runs in the family. I tried to work your suggestions into my next part and I should have it up by tomorrow night but first I need to review it at a time when I'm not falling asleep at the keyboard.
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Old February 26th, 2011, 11:54 PM
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Re: Zombies

Here we go: Remember, feedback is always appreciated.
THE NEXT DAY

Today was different, and not in a good way. Every time Dante turned a corner or entered a room he imagined those soulless eyes staring at him from his dream. That was no normal dream, and it played over and over again in his head. The hot coffee pouring down his throat helped to wake him up and keep him focused, regardless of his lack of good sleep. Then, finding what seemed to be a fender bender, he pulled over to the side of the road to make sure everything was ok. One of the men, a rather heavy one wearing a suit, noticed him and hobbled over, yelling about something. “Wait wait wait. Sloooow down sir. What is the problem?” Asked Dante as he reached the red faced man. “This idiot hit me from behind out of nowhere! It was just a straight road and he hit me! You don’t know who I am!” He called, addressing the other driver. “You’ll surely rot in jail for this!” Dante could tell he was a business man from the suit and the way he seemed to think that bumping his car from behind could turn into a life sentence because of his position. “I will handle it. Let me talk to him first.” He said while making his way to the other man, who had stood by the cars motionless the whole time. “I am Dominic Russell! Perhaps you have heard of Russell Industries!” Dante ignored him and made his way to a man with a bandage around one wrist and a sallow face with skin that looked like it was stretched out to fit over his face. He was staring off into the distance, mouth open a crack, and didn’t seem to be aware of what was going on. “Hey buddy, you alright?” Suddenly, he saw something that made him step back in shock.
He stared into the man’s eyes and saw the look that made memories of his dream come rushing back to him. The man had the same yellowish eyes and distant look that the monster that attacked him had. This was weird. He made sure there were a couple yards between him and the man and then began to speak. “S-sir. I need you to tell me what happened here. How did you get in this accident?” The man turned his attention to Dante but only glared at him coldly. Suddenly, a crackling noise on his radio and an urgent tone made him run to his car to listen to what was going on. “This is officer Derek Green. I am reporting a 1-8-7! I repeat a 1-8-7 with a suspect on the run in the forest by Liberty Place. I am going to pursuit now! Officer Matthews, report to this location immediately!” Dante turned around to observe Mr. Russell and the other driver and decided that it was best that a policeman stayed with them. He picked up the radio and said, “Officer Saunders what is your location?” A voice replied: “Heading down 97 boss, why?” “I need you to come to route 50 right by exit 7 to settle a fender bender dispute.” “You got it chief.” “Thank you. Officer out.” Dante went back and explained to Dominic and the bandaged man what was going to happen and because it would only take a couple minutes for Saunders to get there he started his car and made his way to Liberty Place.
Officer Michael Saunders was his name, and stopping crime was his game. Saunders cranked up the radio and kept the beat on his dashboard as he headed to his first assignment. It was his first day, and he was excited to start his career as a policeman. As he pulled over behind the cars, however, his mood quickly changed. An overweight man was lying on the ground with another man bending over him. “What happened? Is he alright?” Saunders yelled as he ran over to the two men. “Do I need to call for assistance?” He grasped the crouching man’s shoulder and pulled him around. “What happ- JESUS!” He stumbled back as yellow, bloodshot eyes met his gaze and blood dripped down the chin of a man who’s mouth was stuffed with chunks of pink flesh and intestines from the motionless man on the ground.
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Old February 27th, 2011, 01:41 AM
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Re: Zombies

Oh, violent!

I like it! Keep up the great work!


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"How does it smell?"
'Terrible.'
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Old March 1st, 2011, 07:25 PM
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Re: Zombies

It's kind of short and I had to rush through the last part to go do homework, but I hope you all like it and remember that if you have any suggestions I want to hear them!

Michael Saunders fell to the ground and sat in horror watching the beast before him devouring a man. Then it stood up and turned around, staring him down. Snapping into consciousness again, Saunders reached for his gun and fumbled with it, trying to aim it. “S-s-stop right there! Uh.. I-I’ll shoot!” The creature didn’t back down. He saw its chest between the sights on his pistol and pulled the trigger. Nothing happened. He stared at it, eyes wide with fright, as the thing drew ever closer. Suddenly, realizing what had happened, he flipped the safety off and tried again. The loud bang of the gun restored his confidence, which was snatched away again when he realized the creature had not even flinched.
Regardless, he kept firing off rounds until his clip was empty. Fortunately, the last shot struck the creature between the eyes and seemed to do the trick. He watched the body crumple as its knees gave way and the rest of it came crashing down with a thud in a growing pool of blood.
Saunders pushed himself back away from the body until he reached the cool metal surface of his car. He came to a stop, surveying the scene before him, and promptly vomited. What was he to do? He had no credibility as an officer considering it was his first assignment. No one would believe his story and he would surely get kicked off the force. Unless he changed it around…. He sat there for what seemed like an eternity feeling sick to his stomach and utterly terrified until a voice came in on his radio. “Officer Matthews…requesting backup immediately!....attacked……beast…..Holy-“ And the radio went dead. Saunders looked up in surprise. Maybe whatever attacked him was attacking Dante as well! Then he would have someone to back him up when he told his story, but first he needed to help a fellow policeman!
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