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  #1  
Old October 7th, 2008, 08:59 PM
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Ceasefire

I read a thread that talked about who the generals would send to represent them. While this is of course up to each individual's opinion I thought that it would make for a nice story. Anyway here's what I got..... (Please excuse any mistakes I'm not the best author in the world )

Agent Carr trudged through the mud. His shoes were caked with it. Fine time to call us in for negotiations, he thought. vydar had requested his presence, expecting some secret mission Carr was told that he would represent him at a peace talk. "I'm not the talking type." he had said. "You don't have to be all you need to do delay them. We will be sending in a special forces team led by Skahen. (Don't have time to write more tell me what you think)

Last edited by Gold1; July 25th, 2010 at 04:46 PM.
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  #2  
Old October 7th, 2008, 10:44 PM
Onacara Onacara is offline
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Re: Ceasfire.

Hard to tell with just 6 sentences.

I wish you had started it with


"The night was moist."
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  #3  
Old October 8th, 2008, 12:02 AM
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Re: Ceasfire.

Anyone can write a paragraph. Show us your -style-. Show these 'Scapers something that hasn't already been done. Give 'em an attention grabber. Here are 5 examples of how to do this -

- Have Utgar torture and kill Jandar in the first scene. Then ravage and burn Nastralund and Laur, while breeding gruts with marro to make a superior army of Margruts.

- Have Ullar betray and murder Jandar in the first scene. After which he takes over his army, banishes all of the MacDirks and creates a harem of elves.

- Have Vydar trick and sell Jandar into slavery to the Dumutef, where he dies of malnourishment - in the first scene. Vydar is then free to boss Ullar around, chop down his forests and build oil refineries and power plants.

- Have Einar accuse, arrest and publically execute Jandar in the first scene. For having an affair with Kiova. She then incites a rebellion, overthrows Einar, and becomes the only female general. (After she kills Aquilla).

- Have Jandar commit suicide in the first scene.
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  #4  
Old October 8th, 2008, 10:50 AM
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Re: Ceasfire.

...why, why, why do you hate Jandar so much, Akralon? What did he ever do to you?
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  #5  
Old October 8th, 2008, 11:24 AM
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Re: Ceasfire.

I don't hate Jandar at all. But you have to admit, if one of those things actually happened - wouldn't you be a little bit curious? Just a little bit? The extreme drama is all really Shakespearean.
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Old October 8th, 2008, 11:34 AM
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Re: Ceasfire.

It would. Just maybe not in those exact ways. If I were to kill Jandar, it'd be more like Ullar betraying him to fight in on the front lines by nearly himself, killing him, then covering it up and claiming Generalhood over Jandar's forces.Not actually doing the dirty work himself, because Ullar doesn't do that.
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Old October 8th, 2008, 08:27 PM
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Re: Ceasfire.

I know it wasn't my best work I was rushed a little bit. I'll try to revise it and make it better. I don't know if I'm going to kill Jandar but I'll try to think of something you guys might not expect.
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Old October 8th, 2008, 08:34 PM
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Re: Ceasfire.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Gold1 View Post
I know it wasn't my best work I was rushed a little bit. I'll try to revise it and make it better. I don't know if I'm going to kill Jandar but I'll try to think of something you guys might not expect.
Remember..."The night was moist..."
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  #9  
Old October 8th, 2008, 09:12 PM
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Re: Ceasfire.

The night was moist (are you happy Onacara?) and filled with a dark swirling mist. There was a full moon that shone like a flame surrounded by a black veil. A lone figure stalked through the night. Silent like a ghost he crept fom tree to tree. He made no sound less he be discovered by some unseen enemy. The man wore a huge coat, almost as dark as the night itself. On his back hung a great sword. It had been a gift from someone whom this man owed his life. It was to this someone that the man had been going. He was told to meet him in the great woods of Bleakwood. A desolate and war-torn place Bleakewood was a shadow of what it had once been. Stories came from many saying they had seen people venture in and never come out.
"It's just as well," thought the man "we're less likely to be disturbed. As the man moved aside a branch he saw a clearing in this clearing he saw statues that had been so eroded he could not even begin to desribe what they once were. The man walked over to one statue and sat cross-legged on the damp ground. He closed his eyes and meditated. A few moments passed when a voice said
"We really need to stop meeting like this." The man opened his eyes and sought out the person he had come to see.
"It's how I operate. If you don't like it you can go find yourself another agent. "But none is better than you Agent Carr." the figure at last revealed himself it was the great kyrie Vydar. He was tall and dark. One eye was replaced with an eye patch. His wings were a silvery gray. He slowly walked over to Carr. He bent his head to Carr's ear and whispered
"I have another mission for you."

Last edited by Gold1; March 20th, 2009 at 03:51 PM.
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  #10  
Old October 8th, 2008, 10:06 PM
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Re: Ceasfire.

This is very good! Your style is interesting... very detail-oriented with a poetic feel to it. It reminds me a bit of my own writing .
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  #11  
Old October 9th, 2008, 12:01 AM
Onacara Onacara is offline
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Re: Ceasfire.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Gold1 View Post
The night was moist (are you happy Onacara?)
This should win the Pulitzer


(Not sure if Gold1 even got the joke but props to him for doing it)
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Old October 9th, 2008, 12:27 AM
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Re: Ceasfire.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Onacara View Post
Hard to tell with just 6 sentences.

I wish you had started it with


"The night was moist."
Or was the night sultry?
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