THE MOON HAS WINGS - a zombie story

[AMIS]

Just finished, I'll digest and edit this for bit.
Here's my views in the spoiler.

Spoiler Alert!

I really do not approve of Zombie stories...however, you got me hooked. Well done.

Read in 3 days on a computer - obviously caught me with the story.
Note: This is my memory of the reading and you may have outpaced some of the dialogue and/or action sequences to have me read faster and miss obvious items. It happens to readers who are enjoying tales. Sometimes you may need to slow the pace and restate what you've already stated.

For instance; Thomas falling through the floor seemed to change into the fallen through reality. Needs to be described a little better from the others point of view as "too far down". Otherwise, you'd expect them to simply follow to save their friend. It may have been mentioned but it read as they'd given up with him. Nice way to re-introduce him to the group though.

See what I did there...re-introduce him to the group...I didn't list of the names of Stacey, Brooke, Thorn, Header, Gene, Stanley, Jaxson, Peter, Paul and Mary (okay so the last three sang a song about a dragon and not zombies but hopefully you get the point).

Also! What happened with Silvan or did I skip a chapter? Did I miss Silvan getting his just rewards or is that a sequel in the works…be careful with the woman's clothes thing it seems to have undemonized him and made him petty instead of evil.

The monster in Chapter 21 I wasn't really impressed with - Reminded me of Bob from the monsters vs aliens animated movie with added tentacles. I know you described him better than that but that's what formed in my mind. A differing description than what was there, specifically of the tentacles or even a more humanized form would have been better. Although I think the non-human aspect was the point. I found the battle of the maze was decent from all other aspects but picturing 'Bob' chasing Thomas was off putting.

Last negative...
Elias…at the point of arriving was obviously one of them. Amazingly well written as the readers figured it out before the characters without being kicked in the head. Elias was great, until he missed point blank. He hit a soldier in the chest with two shots across a room while under duress but unloaded his guns at Thomas missing...point...blank. I fully expected a dying shot from Stanley to finish Elias off and was disappointed it didn't happen. Knife to the skull thrown by Brooke (love story concluding) or Stacey (love triangle story beginning) or the bangbangbangbangbangbang came from everyone else would been better than to miss at point blank range after showing he knew how to shoot.

I'm very thankful I found this thread. This kept me up at night reading.
Always been a fan of your writing, keep going.

And don't apologize for what you've written. Silvan the terrorist being so evil was an awesome character in the clearing battle. Boring dialogue helps the reader discover and sympathize with the characters. I wasn't always able to tell every character apart until they opened there mouths or went back to what the were based with.
Thomas - Great protagonist
Thorn and Header - Great soldiers - fantastic back stories
Stacey - Could've used an earlier back story. The back story but was great from the hat forward.
Brooke - Solid love interest - I enjoyed the guitar issues
Jaxson - Used early and often, then became an also there character. Not all can steal the spotlight...I would've killed him off but I'm happy he lived.
Stanley and Shelley - Used very well. (I think Shelley was her name)
Gene - Participation award was hysterical.
Reed - Being the son of a general was a great idea. Not overusing that was better. I was hoping for more but well done.

Initial thoughts;
Fantastic pacing throughout
Not enough closure

Still unsure why the moon has wings...is it the same reason as buffalo?

9/10

[The Grim Reaper's Friend]

@AMIS As one who enjoys using zombies and vampires as antagonists in his writing, I'm kind of curious what you don't like about them, and what kept you coming back to this story despite that. Would be curious to know what worked there.

~TGRF.

[AMIS]

I'm actually not sure. I think the brotherly relationship between Header and Thorn is what originally had me hooked.

Most Zombie and Vampire tales focus too much on the monsters and not enough on the protagonists (don't get me started on the monster protagonist stories).

With all due apologies to @TheAverageFan , the monsters in this were almost an add-on. The building of relationships between some of the characters, most notably the soldiers and Thomas and Brooke, made me curious as to how they would (or would not) survive. The other relationship I was hoping to see more of was Reed and his father. But that would been real tough to include.

Silvan was also interesting as the all round evil archetype. The monsters were okay as expendable bad guys but Silvan and his past with the soldiers was interesting.

Remember a story is only as good as it's main characters which inevitably leads to their relationships. So what seems like action, is generally just filler.

At least that's how I view it.

The more I digest this story the more I liked it.

[TheAverageFan]

Originally Posted by AMIS

With all due apologies to TheAverageFan , the monsters in this were almost an add-on. The building of relationships between some of the characters, most notably the soldiers and Thomas and Brooke, made me curious as to how they would (or would not) survive. The other relationship I was hoping to see more of was Reed and his father. But that would been real tough to include.

Hmm, so it seems that my own concerns of having too much in addition to the zombies is actually a boon to readers like yourself. The undead only represent 1/3rd of the external threats of the story, after all. But to you that's a good thing. Interesting

As for Reed and his father, and any other unresolved or underdeveloped things, perhaps more will come of this project one day

~TAF

[AMIS]

Originally Posted by TheAverageFan

As for Reed and his father, and any other unresolved or underdeveloped things, perhaps more will come of this project one day

~TAF

That's a sequel I look forward too.

[The Grim Reaper's Friend]

Originally Posted by TheAverageFan

Hmm, so it seems that my own concerns of having too much in addition to the zombies is actually a boon to readers like yourself. The undead only represent 1/3rd of the external threats of the story, after all. But to you that's a good thing. Interesting

As for Reed and his father, and any other unresolved or underdeveloped things, perhaps more will come of this project one day

~TAF

I'd agree with AMIS on this one. Billing any story as a zombie story automatically means people go into it expecting zombies. For those who like zombie action, you've got to deliver on that expectation.

But beyond that, it's really the normal conflicts of any story which make the tale stick. Zombies only go so far as a primary conflict. They supply urgency and can be a great plot device for moving your heroes places/into unfortunate situations, but it's going to be the internal group dynamics which really keep interest up.

As long as those group dynamics don't lead to stupid decisions just to get more zombie action, they generally out-perform the zombies every time. At least in my experience. Zombies have immediate tension, but group dynamics tend to have depth, which zombie tension never will.

~TGRF, also agreeing that the balance of zombies to group dynamics was very well handled.