Important Unreal News Events

[Girshwin]

As a concerned citizen and high school journalist, I am interested in newsworthy events. Therefore, I am writing articles to inform other like-minded people. Here are newsworthy events of the last week; if news continues to happen, there may be more.

Belgians Go On Strike
“What’s Belgium?” World Asks

Teachers have walked out of schools across Belgium to demand better pay. This has landed the country in the news, with people around the world thinking “Huh? What’s Belgium?”
“It sounds made up,” explains one expert. “However, being a made-up country, like Belgium, is better than being a lame country, like France.”
The French took offense at this, stating that in response they would unconditionally surrender. “No one unconditionally surrenders better than we do,” they say.
An intrepid reporter volunteered to visit some of these alleged “Belgians”. “When I poked them, my hand did not go right through. However, my hand also turned into a Ken Barbie and started singing Barry Manilow.”
“I was drunk,” he adds.

Dude Claims Photographic Proof That Pigs Can Fly
Same Dude Accused of Pushing Pigs Off Cliff

A local dude says that he has pictures which disprove the old adage that pigs cannot fly. “This discovery will rock your world and/or your socks,” the dude explains.
However, skeptics of the dude point out that neighbors spotted him herding pigs to a cliff and pushing them off (into a lake; this journalist does not support or make light of cruelty to animals, and is in fact against offending anyone unless they are Canadian.) A dudette has been flagged as an accomplice; she is accused of taking the pictures and having a politically incorrect name.
When asked how pigs, which do not have wings (like other animals such as birds), can fly, the dude explains that “The dude doesn’t explain. The dude provides grainy, unverifiable photos of distant objects.”
Humble crusader Al Gore reassures that “I have been fighting against this threat to pigs since shortly after I invented the Internet.”
“I love the environment almost as much as I love myself,” he adds.

Cure For Cancer Found, Lost
Scientists Say “Oops”

A team of scientists report that they discovered a cure for cancer, then misplaced it. “Oops”, they say.
“It might have been taken out with the trash, or fallen beneath the sofa,” a scientist confides. “I snooped around for it but had no luck. On the upside, I found my car keys.”
The head scientist is optimistic. “Our other project, in which we attempted to bioengineer fluorescent muffins, was a success. Or, it would have been, but I ate the muffins.”
Several theories have been postulated regarding this incident. According to one professional expert, most of these are frivolous. “Saying that the Commies took it is ridiculous.”
“It was space aliens,” he infers.
The good Reverend Pat Robertson clarifies that “God has cast His protective blanket over cancer, thanks to lesbians.”
In other news, Lindsay Lohan did not use heroin today. “I snorted cocaine,” she says.

Osama bin Laden Still Free
“Just a Trifle,” President says

Six years after the devastating terrorist attacks on September 11th, evil mastermind bin Laden is still on the loose.
“That’s just a trifle,” the President confides. “Much like having a fly land in your soup, or healthcare. Osama is just a silly old man with anger issues.”
A prominent Republican Senator agrees: “Osama bin Laden is not a threat to America, because he is not gay.”
“Neither am I,” he clarifies.
Politicians on the other side of the spectrum hold different views. “Osama is a clear threat to the U.S., and we are in danger every single second that he is not caught. Think about it. While you were reading that sentence, Osama bin Laden could have killed you. Twice,” concludes a Democratic analyst.
The analyst, however, points out that “come 2009, Osama will be just a silly old man with anger issues.”
Why is this so?, we ask. A former Presidential candidate chimes in. “Osama bin Laden is a flip-flopper. Unless he isn’t.”


Study Finds That Intolerant Bigots Are Not Nice People
Intolerant Bigot Community Outraged

A recent scientific study published in No **** magazine found that intolerant bigots, on the whole, are not very nice people. The study has inflamed intolerant bigots around the world.
“This offends me,” says a local jerkwad. “I may carry around a shotgun to shoot people different from me, but I never beat my wife on Tuesday. On Tuesday, I beat my children.”
Complaints from uninformed losers have been coming in from every country but Sweden. The Swedish Prime Minister explains that “In Sweden, we do not believe in hating. We believe in drug use and promiscuous sex.”
Prominent meanie-heads have been weighing in on this matter. One meanie-head conjectures that “The creators of this study must have been Jews, or Chinese.” The jerk then realized that “it could have been a Jewish Chinese person!” and imploded while trying to comprehend this.
Backlash from the study has drawn attention away from other sorts of morons. “When I tell people to vote for me because I can smile, they don’t pay attention,” concludes Presidential candidate John “I can probably win Nebraska” Edwards. “I don’t even get a chance to talk about my haircut.”


Radioactive Waste Not Good For You, EPA Discovers
Industry Experts Call Findings “Questionable”

The Environmental Protection Agency has concluded that toxic sludge does not have positive health benefits. However, leading business experts have raised objections to this finding.
“Were the Environmental Protection Agency scientists who thought this up funded by the Environmental Protection Agency?” one expert ponders.
“Envirowha?” asks the President. “I always thought it stood for Evil Peanut Alliance.”
Some wonder why it took so long for this finding to be released by the government, and place partial blame on previous administrations. “I did not have sexual relations with that agency,” a former President counters.
A prominent CEO reassures the public that “Radioactive waste makes you glow inside.”
“It also gives you fresh minty breath,” he adds.
In other news, Presidential candidate John Edwards has a new slogan. “I’m pretty looking, and more electable than Dennis Kucinich.” To those who wonder “Who the heck is Kucinich?” Mr. Edwards responds “Exactly.”

[NecroBlade]

Brilliant. Love the sig, too.

[ThrasherDarkrai]

Originally Posted by Girshwin

As a concerned citizen and high school journalist, I am interested in newsworthy events. Therefore, I am writing articles to inform other like-minded people. Here are newsworthy events of the last week; if news continues to happen, there may be more.


Osama bin Laden Still Free
“Just a Trifle,” President says

Six years after the devastating terrorist attacks on September 11th, evil mastermind bin Laden is still on the loose.
“That’s just a trifle,” the President confides. “Much like having a fly land in your soup, or healthcare. Osama is just a silly old man with anger issues.”
A prominent Republican Senator agrees: “Osama bin Laden is not a threat to America, because he is not gay.”
“Neither am I,” he clarifies.
Politicians on the other side of the spectrum hold different views. “Osama is a clear threat to the U.S., and we are in danger every single second that he is not caught. Think about it. While you were reading that sentence, Osama bin Laden could have killed you. Twice,” concludes a Democratic analyst.
The analyst, however, points out that “come 2009, Osama will be just a silly old man with anger issues.”
Why is this so?, we ask. A former Presidential candidate chimes in. “Osama bin Laden is a flip-flopper. Unless he isn’t.”


Study Finds That Intolerant Bigots Are Not Nice People
Intolerant Bigot Community Outraged

A recent scientific study published in No **** magazine found that intolerant bigots, on the whole, are not very nice people. The study has inflamed intolerant bigots around the world.
“This offends me,” says a local jerkwad. “I may carry around a shotgun to shoot people different from me, but I never beat my wife on Tuesday. On Tuesday, I beat my children.”
Complaints from uninformed losers have been coming in from every country but Sweden. The Swedish Prime Minister explains that “In Sweden, we do not believe in hating. We believe in drug use and promiscuous sex.”
Prominent meanie-heads have been weighing in on this matter. One meanie-head conjectures that “The creators of this study must have been Jews, or Chinese.” The jerk then realized that “it could have been a Jewish Chinese person!” and imploded while trying to comprehend this.
Backlash from the study has drawn attention away from other sorts of morons. “When I tell people to vote for me because I can smile, they don’t pay attention,” concludes Presidential candidate John “I can probably win Nebraska” Edwards. “I don’t even get a chance to talk about my haircut.”


Radioactive Waste Not Good For You, EPA Discovers
Industry Experts Call Findings “Questionable”

The Environmental Protection Agency has concluded that toxic sludge does not have positive health benefits. However, leading business experts have raised objections to this finding.
“Were the Environmental Protection Agency scientists who thought this up funded by the Environmental Protection Agency?” one expert ponders.
“Envirowha?” asks the President. “I always thought it stood for Evil Peanut Alliance.”
Some wonder why it took so long for this finding to be released by the government, and place partial blame on previous administrations. “I did not have sexual relations with that agency,” a former President counters.
A prominent CEO reassures the public that “Radioactive waste make you glow inside.”
“It also gives you fresh minty breath,” he adds.
In other news, Presidential candidate John Edwards has a new slogan. “I’m pretty looking, and more electable than Dennis Kucinich.” To those who wonder “Who the heck is Kucinich?” Mr. Edwards responds “Exactly.”

Boy, forecasting is an exact science, isn't it? I mean, it was only 2 years ago we thought Radioactive Waste was good for you!
All sarcasm aside, are those real articles? If they are, interesting... this might be a good idea.
Edit: Oh yes, and . Forgot about that. Good articles!

[Billtog]

Awesome.

Oh, except that Dennis Kucinich is THE MAN!


"Even Dennis Kucinich was saying, 'who the f*** is Mike Huckabee?'"~Stephen Colbert

[Girshwin]

Originally Posted by Bloody the Marro Stinger

Boy, forecasting is an exact science, isn't it? I mean, it was only 2 years ago we thought Radioactive Waste was good for you!
All sarcasm aside, are those real articles? If they are, interesting... this might be a good idea.
Edit: Oh yes, and . Forgot about that. Good articles!

? I can't tell if you are serious or not. :P No, these are most definitely not real articles.

[ej]

Radioactive waste is bad for you?

AwwwwwwWWW!

[Tiberius]

What are you talking about, at my nuclear power plant, it is good for my checking account...

[nonexistantnonexister]

[Ugly-Caco]

I never heard of people ever getting killed by radioactive wastes. They always end up being a superhero or a super villain.

[Billtog]

Originally Posted by Ugly-Caco

I never heard of people ever getting killed by radioactive wastes. They always end up being a superhero or a super villain.

Yeah, but the super-life isn't all it's cracked up to be. You have to pay supertaxes.

[Bannister]

Originally Posted by Billtog

Yeah, but the super-life isn't all it's cracked up to be. You have to pay supertaxes.

But that is only if you report your super-income on a 1099-Misc.



Bannister

[Drumline3469]

Originally Posted by NecroBlade

Brilliant. Love the sig, too.

These are hilarious. Reminds me of the Onion except more captain obvious stuff. Oh and about the sig... Why would anyone vote for Obama Bin Ladin?

*ducks to avoid rocks and political debate*