News Headline Add-Ons

[davidlhsl]

I created some memes:

Spoiler Alert!

[davidlhsl]

Who won the debate? A: Everybody watching cartoons on another network.
Clinton to Sanders: 'If you have something to say, say it' Sanders to Clinton: 'Ok, you have fleas. There! I said it.'
Officers break rules, save baby. Wait -- it's against the rules to save a baby???
370-mph 'bullet' fueled by batteries. Has Duracell gone too far?
F-15s to protect Super Bowl; will drop bombs if their team starts to lose.
Saudi to lash poet instead of killing him. Mimes, on the other hand...
Girl's killing plotted over fast food? McMurder, She Wrote.
Robot re-creates Tiger's hole in one, then re-creates his numerous affairs when its programming went haywire.
Garbage fire visible from space. I wish those Martians would mind their own business.

Bob Elliott, half of duo Bob and Ray, dies at 92. You'll be missed, Wally Ballou.
"This is Ray Goulding reminding you to write if you get work."
"This is Bob Elliott reminding you to hang by your thumbs."

[mac122]

Recent headlines that may or may not be related to the consumption of Burt's Beer
Drunk, knife-wielding monkey reportedly attacks bar patrons

Palestinian leader gives wife-beating tips on Gaza TV

Giant model triceratops found in the middle of a road

Lovelorn elephant takes out his rage on more than a dozen cars

Virginia man charged with trespassing on property carrying suspicious bacon

Building where Bill of Rights was born partially demolished

Greyhound driver reportedly leaves riders in bus while he naps at hotel

Woman pulls gun on paramedics, steals ambulance

Farmer cut off his right hand in failed ploy for insurance money

Michigan couple arrested in Silly String fight at Walmart...wait...nevermind...that's just Thursday.

[davidlhsl]

Originally Posted by mac122

Woman pulls gun on paramedics, steals ambulance

Nice batch of headlines!

The only headlines I've encountered either depress me or make me mad.

The quoted headline above reminds me of a news story that I think is really neat:

http://www.cbsnews.com/news/louisian...cis-catholics/

Not funny, but reminds me that there are actually cool people in the world.

[mac122]

Originally Posted by davidlhsl

Nice batch of headlines!

The only headlines I've encountered either depress me or make me mad.

The quoted headline above reminds me of a news story that I think is really neat:

http://www.cbsnews.com/news/louisian...cis-catholics/

Not funny, but reminds me that there are actually cool people in the world.

Imagine if the two stories had intersected!

[mac122]

One more Burt's inspired headline, maybe?
Hillary gets hammered

And in other news...
John Kasich describes a heartwarming moment with a supporter, saying not every candidate can claim they have personally met half of the people voting for them.

[davidlhsl]

Finally found some headlines:

'Weird music' from far side of moon. Gotta love Pink Floyd.
Wrestler to opponent: Marry me or else.
Police cut man's legs off with ax. Man, they're really cracking down on jaywalking.
'Monster of a cyclone' kills 20, then marries ex-wrestler.
(Jerry) Seinfeld is selling 16 Porsches. Correction: 16 Porches. He has a really big house.
1.2M Walmart workers to get raise. In a related story, Walmart recently laid off 1.2M workers.
You won't believe what survived this explosion: Donald Trump.
Snake head found in can of green beans. I guess the company's health plan doesn't include vision, eh?
A telescope so powerful it can see into the past. What about into the cheerleaders' locker room?
Why drink your beer when you can swim in it? Burt's Beer: now sold in leaky cans!

[davidlhsl]

Officer slams girl, 12, to floor. Touchdown!!!
Blood-drinking Texas killer executed. We'll miss Ted Cruz.
LAPD: (Charlie) Sheen under investigation. Chuck! I've missed you, my main man!
LAPD: (Charlie) Sheen under investigation for stealing women's hearts. <3 <3 <3
Airbus plans Prius of the skies. They do know that the Prius can't fly, right?
Actress doesn't recognize herself. Lindsay Lohan! Nice to see you back!!! <3 <3 <3
France just made pay for sex illegal, so I'll just have to get my swing on for free like I always do.
Toddler falls down 295-foot well. Lassie realizes he's tired of Timmy's clumsiness and decides to chase cars instead.
2 escape from psychiatric hospital in order to vote for Donald Trump.
The biggest mistake Hillary Clinton could make: marrying Bill. Oh, too late.
GOP senators in no rush to back Cruz. Man, I need to take a Cruz!
GOP senators in no rush to back Cruz, but are eager to back into Cruz with their SUV.
Trump meeting suggests campaign changes. About time somebody changed his diaper.
Clinton to Sanders: 'I'm still considerably ahead' in bribes, scandals, and federal investigations.
Should a 9-year-old reporter cover a homicide? Ok, but don't let her drink the embalming fluid in the autopsy lab.
Police find 67 puppies crammed into van. When Donald Trump heard about it, he had the pooches deported.
Flight attendant shocks passengers by doing this: smiling.


Edit: Hey, it's National Beer Day! Pop open a can of Burt's today*!


* and pour it on the ground, because it makes a great weed killer

[davidlhsl]

This made me laugh:

McDonald's tries something new: Fresh beef

Ok, so can we add on?

McDonald's tries something new: Fresh beef. Next on the McAgenda: Chicken McNuggets made with real chickens.
McDonald's tries something new: Fresh beef. Ronald finally got sick of Clara Peller yelling in his ear. (+100 pts if you didn't have to Google her)
McDonald's tries something new: Fresh beef jerky. Oooo, so close.
McDonald's tries something new: Fresh beef. Unfortunately, they added it to their McFlurries.
McDonald's tries something new: Fresh beef. You even get to kill the cows yourself.
McDonald's tries something new: Fresh beef roaming around their Playground.
McDonald's tries something new: Fresh beef frozen in carbonite. Jabba the Hut says, "Ho ho ho."
McDonald's tries something new: Fresh beef. Available for a limited time on the International Space Station where you can't reach it.
McDonald's tries something new: Fresh beef. Just one of the many items on their new $100 Value Menu!
McDonald's tries something new: Fresh beef. April Fools!!!

[mac122]

Blake: 'How will I live?' Hmmm...

Bieber punched in the face. Blake: "OK, that helps."

[davidlhsl]

Originally Posted by mac122

Blake: 'How will I live?' Hmmm...

Bieber punched in the face. Blake: "OK, that helps."

Can we give Blake the President's Medal of Freedom?

[mac122]

Been a while...

6 things you never knew about Spam, er, sorry, should have been "6 things you never wanted to know about Spam."
- #4. It powered the Russians during WWII. Could explain the Cold War.

Martin Shkreli raffling chance to punch him in face. Originally $1, tickets now priced at $5,000 - still worth it.

He’s no creepy clown, he’s my sweet son! Thanks, Mom!