Vydar's Betrayal

[Poseidon's trident]

In one of the master set 3 discussions someone mentioned a storyline where Vydar betrays the alliance against Utgar.So I started to write a story about that. These aren't very good nor are they very descriptive but I kinda like them. Okay here is my first ever heroscape story.

Vydar's betrayal-Introduction

With the valkyrie Aquilla on our side, we might now stand a chance against Utgar. By the way, I am Tekik, leader of the Einar Imperium. To tell me a part from the others, Einar has given me a full suit of golden armor which has been dipped in a wellspring so it would be lighter but stronger to enable me to fly easier similiar to that of Concan. The war agaist Utgar seems close to an end. Finally, the tide has turned against that savage kyrie who calls himself a leader! With that, tonight we will stage an attack on one of his major camps. Each general has sent a team from different directions to surround the camp. Einar has sent I and a force of Imperium to attack from the south, Jandar and Ullar shall attack from the east and the west. As for Aquilla, she has made a team up consisting of centaurs and indians. We have sent Vydar's team to accompany the newly allianced Aquilla to make sure she is really on our side. With the size of Vydar's team, I don't think Aquilla will do anything she will regret. Trust is very important but we can't be too sure of Aquilla. Sadly, that night we trusted the wrong people.

So there's the introduction. Do you guys think it is good enough to post my Chapter 1?

[Onacara]

Not bad...

I also like the typewriter style font for some odd reason.

[Poseidon's trident]

Originally Posted by Onacara

Not bad...

I also like the typewriter style font for some odd reason.

Thanks. As for the typewriter thing I don't really know why I did it that way.I guess I thought it just looked cool.

[Poseidon's trident]

I wrote this in like 10 minutes(no lie). Okay here it goes. I just finished it(I am home from school today).

Vydar's betrayal-Chapter 1-Aquilla's Betrayal

Something is wrong. Something just feels wrong.I am getting a feeling we are going into a battle we can't win. Like we are outnumbered or something. I have sent many scouts and they have reported that quanity is on our side.Two to one maybe even three to one is our forces to Utgar's forces. In fact,it seems that there isn't a way we could lose this battle yet tonight we will be defeated. I am sure of it.Maybe it is what I feared the most. Aquilla's betrayal. That had to be it. My thought were interupted as 4 kyrie came swooping down to meet me. Each represented a general.We started talking and it was confirmed. We were to attack right as our sun sunk below the horizon. After the meeting, I kept Vydar's representative there as the others flew away. I told him that I felt a big betrayal was going to come tonight.A great betrayal. For a second I thought I saw fear in his eyes but then he said, "I will keep an eye for it," and with that he flew off. What a mistake that was to let him go.
This chapter was very short I know but I didn't want to make it big either.I guess it isn't like a chapter more of a journal thingy.Constructive criticsm is wanted.Wow I say that a lot.But seriously I need your advice since I am only thirteen with little writing experience.

[Gold1]

I understand about the writing thing. Something I would do is instead of typing 4 you could type four. I find words are better than abbreviations. Also if your worried about writing short chapters don't be. I usually wait untill I have alot of time to type such as the weekend. Even then I don't finish the chapter. What you could do is hit edit on your post. This will alow you to change or add more the post after you've entered it. I like the Journal feel your story has. I also like the idea of the story itself. Keep up the good work.

[Lamaclown]

I am enjoying it so far.

My only wish is that I didn't know it was going to be Vydar who will be doing the betraying. Maybe next time keep something like that secret so that you can incorporate it as a plot twist.
Of course you may have a stunning plot twist in the works that I know nothing about.

I like your style of writing. I like that, for the most part, you keep the sentences short. It conveys a sense of urgency and action.

[Poseidon's trident]

Thanks guys! I guess I have a reason to keep this going after all. Just to let you know the story will go beyond what you are thinking so don't just stop reading it because you think you know what's going to happen. I am talking post-betrayal of either Aquilla or Vydar or some other thing.As for me I will be going quite a bit more descriptive but not too descriptive so that it seems Tekik is still talking. By the way this story is going to be quite long so don't assume it ends in the next chapter.Which I am going to start on now and which will be longer then the past two but not long enough to be called a true chapter.

[Poseidon's trident]

Okay here is Chapter 2. I am feeling a lot better today so I think I improved a lot.Here it is.
Vydar's betrayal-Chapter 2-Rekar[SIZE="2"]

A light breeze blew against my face. It stopped as I put my mask on. My blood was pumping faster and faster while my legs lost a little feeling. This feeling is a great feeling. A slight sense of fear and worry with a huge force of adrenaline. I spied on the enemy’s camp as I had completely forgotten about the betrayal. You could almost feel the sun getting closer to hiding. I turn and I see Rekar talking to the Imperium. Rekar is the person who would take control if something happened to me as well as a friend since we were children. I walked over to them as I sensed the air getting a little cooler and the landscape dimming.”We are going to attack in moments,” I said to them. Our light source had now found a home under the horizon while his brother came to take his place but tonight he did not bring the stars. Maybe he did not want them to see the violence that was required against the savages tonight. I can now see Utgar’s camp which was mostly orcs and wolves. The marro we had almost completely wiped out when finding the main hives in the Ticalla Jungle. Nonetheless, Utgar was still very powerful. My thoughts on the marro were interrupted as I saw a torch off in the distance .It was a knight therefore it was giving the signal to attack. Off in the distance I heard one of the elves blow a battling call on some kind of horn. We were ready. However I did not see Aquilla’s sign then I heard gunshots which I assumed was Vydar’s signal which also meant Aquilla’s. Then I got the feeling again but not the good feeling, the bad one. As I pulled Rekar aside I signaled the rest of the army to assist in the battle. Rekar didn’t think Aquilla would betray us but he came along. As we got closer we heard rapid gunshots.At the base of the hill were two slain Indians. Without a doubt Aquilla had done something. As Rekar and I got closer to the fight we saw some dead centaurs. The gunshots were now incredibly loud and lights were flickering against the hillside. I saw a group of blastatrons killing a group of Indians and then I faced a hard truth. The Indians were not fighting them and I remembered the two slain Indians at the base of the hill. They didn’t even have their weapon drawn as they lie there dead. Vydar had turned on us. A bullet came zooming by to confirm that statement. I dodged it and I felt good doing so but then I turned to see Rekar holding is chest. My body went numb as I saw him fall out of the air and smash into the ground. My first instinct was to turn around and see who did it. An agent was standing there aiming his gun into the air. Blinded by anger, I swooped down and I slashed with my sword. His flesh was no match for my sword as I took his life. (to be continued)[/SIZE]


I think this one was a lot better than my first two but I still want some advice. Anything I forgot to edit or if I need to change something please tell me.I didn't do the typewriter thing because it looked kinda funky with the longer story. However I will edit it if need be.Btw my birthday is coming up and I will finally get my first squads of the Imperium which if you couldn't tell are my favorite squad. i don't even care about playability I just think they look sweet! Also I will be turning 14 so I can get a job which means more heroscape.

[Gold1]

Nice job. I did find this one more interesting than the last. I also agree with you on the Einar Imperium. If only they would last longer in a game...

[ICEMASTER]

Very cool! Much better than I could ever hope to do.

[Mutt Lo]

Keep it up.

[tech boy]

Just cant wait to hear more!