It's official. This is a series now (more like an anthology). This is a collection of stories of my favorite games and favorite moments in Heroscape, written in the fashion of fictional short stories. I'm calling them "Myths of Valhalla" because none of these are intended to be canon or connected with each other at all. Some of them may be pretty intense, some of them may be pretty goofy. Some are shorter, some are longer. Under each header there are some brief notes before each story, detailing what game the story was from and why I chose to write about it. They're listed top to bottom in reverse order of writing, but they can be read in any order.
Please enjoy my newest story, Trophy.
Trophy
Spoiler Alert!
In a short break from the typical myth format, this one is not about a real-life Heroscape game. This was a bio I wrote for a unit I submitted to an NGC contest. The unit was spooky, but unfortunately the bios weren't displayed with the units. I think this vignette is too fun to not have any eyes on it, so here it is! (TW: This is the most gruesome one yet. Happy Halloween!)
I also tossed in a photo of the unit and the card so you have a visual while you read:
Mini:
Card:
Trophy
Spoiler Alert!
The hunter pulled the collar of his fur coat closer to his chin. A strong gust, unusual in the dense forest, whipped across his face, stinging any exposed skin it could.
“Dad, what are you doing?” another man whined. He scuffed his boot against the corpse at his feet, a beautiful stag with a hole in its neck. “Take a picture already!” His friend laughed as the body shook from the impact and swung his own leg into the rear of the creature.
“Look, it’s trying to get away!” his friend mocked, driving his foot into the barrow. The massive carcass jerked, and the hunter’s son joined in, tossing his own gun into the snow.
The hunter smirked, watching the men kick his future wall mount. He held up his camera, the small device he carried around to document the sport. Every kill needed a frame, and this was the biggest he’d ever bagged. Nothing would match this trophy.
He looked through the lens, unfocused through the thin haze in the trees. The man wiped his nose and scrubbed the lens, smearing a few snowflakes across the screen.
Screams ripped through the frozen air as his son slammed into a tree. Blood spurted from holes in his chest and neck. He scraped up along the trunk, the bark shredding the skin off his back. His friend whipped his gun around, yelling at the hunter's son but unsure of what to shoot. Chunks of flesh tore away from the son's face, pulling off his cheeks and eyes. The friend fired, putting a bullet into the son’s skull and silencing the piercing shrieks.
The friend felt a sharp tug. His head was wet, and so hot. Something else drove deep into his ribs. He tried to look down, but he couldn’t move his head. Hands reached up to feel the blood-stained antler rammed through his throat. His chest cavity split open, torn apart by the same unseen force. The halves of his body flung into the trees, spraying red onto the pristine ice crystals on the pine needles.
The hunter dropped the camera, pinned to his spot in the snow. The camera landed at an angle, pointing up above the stag. Through the lens, a hulking creature turned away from the carcass and toward the hunter. A long maw with sharp fangs snarled, and the creature stood, towering over the man. Its powerful hind legs stalked toward him, making no imprint on the snow.
Lengthy claws reached through the man’s chest, inflicting no wounds but taking something far, far more valuable. Its head snapped open, devouring the intangible. When its feast was over, it discarded the body. The hunter thudded against a tree and tumbled to the ground. His intact form would be a clue to the other invaders. No human would take life in this forest again.
And if they did, well…
Vetrskraak was waiting.
Hero
Spoiler Alert!
This is my all-time favorite moment from Heroscape. This was a game between my girlfriend and I. She had built a large castle map where the castle was a ring with lava pools in the middle, and the Wannok glyph in the dead center of that. The game got super tense, and the ending was shocking, to say the least, especially because of how the battle swung at the end and how abruptly it all happened. I've been wanting to write this one for a while. I have more stories in mind but in my opinion, I don't think this will ever be topped! (Whether or not I've portrayed this properly will be up to you. Enjoy!) Hero
Spoiler Alert!
Agent Carr spat the muddy taste of orc blood from his mouth. Sunlight reflected off the castle walk, seared smooth from heat rising from the bubbling lava below. The glint blinded an orc, sending the baying brute tumbling to his death in the molten rock.
Carr grinned, facing down the army of orcs standing across the crumbled center of the castle top. The Einar support was worthless, anyway. The general sent his troops in elite squads of three, but Carr only needed three things: his gun, his sword, and his tunes.
Carr dialed in his earbuds. A gift from the Omnicrons, it loaded up exactly the song in his head. And today he was feeling…classical. The orc leader, strapped atop a massive dinosaur, screamed and thrust his sword in Carr’s direction. The dinosaur’s feet dug into the stone, and the orcs charged toward him, their cries drowned out by his humming to an ancient, 20th century song.
Holdin’ out for a hero…
Carr fired, popping the heads of the nearest orcs. The others clambered over the bodies, barely noticing their fallen brethren. The sword, longer than he was tall, sung through the air, taking off three more heads.
He’s gotta be strong, and he’s gotta be fast…
Carr whirled through the blade gruts, leaping off the old castle battlements and throwing their own small blades back at the gruts. As they overwhelmed him, he smacked his gun against his sword and spun, firing and slicing in the same movement.
And he’s gotta be fresh from the fight…
Carr smirked, blood pouring from his wounds, electrified from the adrenaline. The orc leader bore down on him, the thunderous steps from the dinosaur shaking the foundation of the castle. Carr used the piles of bodies as stepping stones, bounding up toward it. The monster snapped at him, but he flipped above the gaping maw, landing on its scaly skull. He drove the sword straight through its brain, and the death throes threw both riders from its body.
I need a hero…
The music faded. The orc leader stared him down, holding out the spear. Confidence filled the creature’s face. It had survived countless battles, killed enemies and allies alike. This was an elite orc officer, and its prowess in hand to hand combat was unmatched. The orc snapped the spear upright and shifted its feet into a fighting stance.
Carr pulled the trigger. The body jerked back and crumpled next to the tail of the beast.
I am a hero… Carr hummed to himself.
Down below, a lone Soulborg marched toward its prize, a glowing skull set dead center in the lava-strewn paths of the castle. This was the key, an artifact that would change the course of the war. The vestige had already destroyed the Zettian’s companion, but it had no protocols to register the loss. The servos whirred as it stalked toward it, the heat radiating off the heavy armor. At last, its primary objective would be achieved.
The movement caught Carr’s eye. He held up a hand to block the sun as he teetered on the edge of the castle battlements. He recognized the insignia on the shoulder plate—Utgar. The Soulborg’s oculi rotated toward a shape just outside the castle. One of Einar’s, a samurai engaged in combat with two orcs. The only other survivor of the battle, and the target of the relic’s power. Already, as the Soulborg reached for the glowing skull, thin tendrils of light connected it to the samurai.
Carr eyed the sixty-foot drop. In his head, the song sprung to life. He pulled sunglasses from his pocket and slid them over his nose. His battles played in his head, like when he faced down a horde of zombies in the abandoned Kyrie village, or when he used an Omnicron engine to jet himself up to a dragon and slay it. Some had called him the most badass man to ever live; he just called it going to work. Carr took a running step back and leapt into the air.
I am a hero!
The Soulborg head rotated, tracking the human missile as it screamed down toward him, the sword aimed directly at its chest.
Crunch.
The Soulborg observed the splatter of bones and organs at its feet. Motion tracking software scanned the smear of blood, looking for any signs of life. The visual analysis returned, and the result was almost surprising to the robot; the human was more dead than it had ever seen any human be dead before. The Soulborg turned, even slower as the logic circuit struggled to process what it had just seen. The samurai sprinted toward the Soulborg, the dead gruts strewn behind him. The barrel touched the skull as the samurai lunged for it. The artifact glowed, filling the cavern with impossible light.
When the Soulborg’s visuals returned, only a thin pile of dust was left of the samurai. It picked up the skull and began the slow march away from the castle. Utgar would be pleased.
Marshmallows
Spoiler Alert!
This story is partly to address a critique from Tales of Valhalla Podcast, and partly to show off the badassery of Kaemon Awa. This game was from an OHS playoff game between Megasilver and myself. It was brought to mind because ToV requested some Airborne, and this game was funny because the Airborne [redacted] and Kaemon essentially soloed an entire army. This one is definitely less serious, and I hope ToV doesn't mind me infringing on their IP (this was their idea, after all). This story wouldn't be the same without the Aftermath Chronicles. Enjoy! Marshmallows
Spoiler Alert!
Kaemon Awa leaned against a tree, the rough palm bark scraping into his armor. This area was supposed to be clear, yet jungle brush spread throughout the cracked roads and desolate pillars. A holy site or a trading market—whatever once stood, it had succumbed completely to nature. How old were those reports that they still marked sniper positions? No, a different approach was necessary. The Marro scouting advance would stay hidden for now, but stealth was a closer friend to Kaemon.
He advanced down the road, bow drawn. Wind rustled the jungle brush, the breeze cooling his back. Good. A strong tailwind would only expedite the arrival of his support.
The leaves twisted and bent. Kaemon drew his bow, firing into the bark of a tree. Branches settled, but his bowstring remained taught. That was no wind.
Guttural cries pierced the howls of the wind as creatures tore themselves from the trees, clawing and slicing at Kaemon. He let loose, arrows shredding the leaves, but the projectiles embedded themselves in the trees instead. The humanoids lunged at him again, extending themselves into the road, and this time the arrows thudded into their skulls. He pulled the arrows from the bodies and nocked them into his bow as more howls echoed around him.
***
“Drop zone is approaching!” Lt. Dan barked. “Kaemon Awa is solo in enemy territory, and he needs an extraction ASAP!”
“Yessir!” Henderson and Gimp fastened their parachutes as the airship dipped in the strong winds.
“Sir, what’s an ‘extraction’?” Toothpick asked.
“Wind speeds are not ideal,” Lt. Dan continued, ignoring him, “but we’re well past listening to sense! That man down there is the strongest warrior Einar has, and we’re not letting him go down without a fight!”
“Yessir!” Toothpick shouted, reaching to his belt, and pulling the pin on a grenade.
“Toothpick!”
***
Kaemon raced through the jungle brush, hacking at the plant creatures with his sword. The distant thunder grew louder, drowning out the wind. He drew his bow again, letting loose arrows down the slope. The roar hit him like a tidal wave, knocking him to his feet. Ice crystals hung from his snapped bowstring, and his metal armor bit into his skin. He gasped, diving behind a tree as three vicious heads snapped at him. He lunged over the chimera’s wings, running along the scales and plunging his sword into its back. The heads twisted and flailed as the blizzard blasted him from the monster. He slid to a stop as an explosion rocked the forest. Where the hell were the Airborne Elite?
***
“That might be the dumbest thing you’ve ever done,” Henderson said, looking at the crater far below. “And I once saw you try to pet a rock.”
“I swear it was moving!” Toothpick insisted.
“Doesn’t matter,” Lt. Dan said, pulling himself to the side of the airship. “This is our opening, now or never!”
“Wait!” Toothpick cried as Gimp leaned out the side. “Can’t you read me a bedtime story first?”
***
Kaemon leaned against the tree, his eyes closed. Once glance and he could picture the whole glade. One crunch on a blade of grass and he could picture the Marro stepping in just the right spot.
He whipped around, releasing the bow. Thump.
The Marro’s body crumpled to the ground. He spun back behind the tree, picturing the others’ confusion. What was the weapon, where did the arrows come from, were there more…?
Yes, there were. He leaned from behind the tree. Thump.
The Marro returned fire, blasting wildly in his direction. Thump.
The firing slowed, the last of them retreating. Thump.
He drew his sword as a winged shadow fell over the tree.
***
“Toothpick, what’s gotten into you? A bedtime story? It’s the middle of the afternoon! We’ve gotta drop right now!”
Toothpick averted his eyes from the lieutenant.
“You know how you told me to pack the parachutes? And…remember how I said I wanted to bring a snack along for the flight?”
Henderson unstrapped his chute, turning the bag upside down to empty its contents. Marshmallows spilled from the bag and scattered over the floor.
“I almost jumped, too!” Gimp said, opening his pack to find even more marshmallows.
“Where did you even find marshmallows on Valhalla?” Lt. Dan asked, too stunned to be angry.
“Well, you know how the air elementals look so fluffy? They have some cousins called the marsh mallowmentals, and they just poop these things out wherever they go…”
Lt. Dan buried his head in his hands.
“Turn the ship around, Nesbitt,” he said, looking out into the jungle. “God help him…”
***
Swords clashed as the wind raged. Kaemon swung at the hooded Kyrie, who blocked every blow with powerful strikes. The weight of the battle pressed on the samurai, and one last hit snapped his sword in half. The Kyrie thrust, slicing through Kaemon’s stomach. He gasped, crumpling to the ground. The Kyrie stepped over him, raising his sword. The hood fell away, pulled back by the maelstrom.
“For the glory of Utgar,” Concan intoned.
A huge hammer smashed into Concan’s wings. The air shimmered and waved as the Sentinels of Grax blipped in and out, slicing and crushing the Kyrie. One final blow rent Concan’s skull asunder, and he fell to the grass next to Kaemon.
The silent Sentinels held out their hands, pulling Kaemon to his feet. Kaemon bowed, and they bent low as well, their robes flowing, disappearing, and regenerating. As they escorted him back to the path and away from the jungle, Kaemon looked to the sky, wondering what this betrayal would mean.
Silence
Spoiler Alert!
This story is from a game during a tournament I had very recently, during January of 2023. I hosted this tournament in Nebraska, so I'd brought a pretty weird army of 4x Granite Guardians and Johnny Sullivan. My opponent was really funny and friendly, and that was one of the most fun games I've ever played as we both had pretty goofy armies. However, the ending really sealed the deal for me as one of my top games ever. Enjoy! Silence
Spoiler Alert!
A whimper floated through the air, piercing the stillness of the forest. Johnny Sullivan opened his eyes, a scowl plastered under his mustache.
Is it too much to ask for a little silence?
He lashed out, his boot smashing into the face of the wounded Anubian Wolf. Fangs splattered across the mossy stones, the grotesque body convulsing in death throes.
Better put that varmint outta its misery.
The shotgun blast echoed through the trees. Birds screeched and took flight, evacuating their perches on the looming, twisting branches.
Johnny winced. The ringing in his ear grew with each blast, and now it wouldn’t fade. He spat on the carcass, regretting that he’d wasted his last moment of silence on an Utgar grunt.
Stones shifted by the tree next to him. Gravel and granite swirled from the dirt until a mass of heaving rock taller than he stood next to him.
“Howdy,” Johnny drawled, tipping the brim of his hat. “Thought you boys might be barn sour the way I left ya behind. Y’all finish of the last of ‘em?”
The Granite Guardian lifted its arm, a mass of dusty coal. The end formed into a recognizable gesture. It was signaling a number. One.
“Whacha mean? One left?” Johnny shrugged. “No odds to me.”
The elementar lowered its arm.
“What? Y’all can’t scare up one wolf?”
He glared at the sentient stone. Indents at the top gave the impression of eyes. And in those eyes were mountains of fear.
Wind rustled the leaves, blowing a thick aura over the desolate path. Johnny blinked as the darkness grew, swallowing down the overwhelming fear. He gritted his teeth and wiped his brow with a clammy hand. His heart constricted in his chest, squeezing and squeezing until it might burst.
Johnny dropped to his knees, reaching out a hand to warn the guardian. That dread could only mean one thing.
“Esenwein,” he gasped.
A screaming flurry of crimson terror burst from the trees, crashing into Johnny and throwing him down the path. His knuckles cracked on the ruined pavement, knocking the shotgun from his hand. The guardian groaned as the beast flailed at its chest, tearing the elementar apart.
Get the gun, dammit. Get the gun!
His vision blurred, the stench of fear burying itself deep behind his eyes.
Get the gun.
His fingers stretched toward the weapon.
Get…the…gun…
His hand grasped the barrel. A surge of confidence shot through him, and he rolled onto his back, aiming the shotgun at the creature.
Its eyes turned to pierce his soul. Blood and spittle dripped from its chin. Its scarred, distorted face sneered at him, claws still twitching from the kill. But there was no mistaking those eyes. The monster was still an Esenwein.
His finger rested on the trigger. The creature shifted, bounding away through the trees. He squeezed, the shot piercing its shoulder as it fled. It howled a violent, soul-rending shriek before vanishing behind a tree.
Johnny scrambled to his feet, charging down the path and hurdling over crumbling building foundations. He rounded the bend to see the Esenwein creature tearing into another guardian. Its head thrust into the rock, sputtering and choking. Johnny watched in horror as the wound on its shoulder healed.
He fired again. The Esenwein took flight, bounding between trees and clawing at the guardians.
“Run!” Johnny bellowed, but the guardians could hardly move. He swung the barrel level again, but the creature alighted over a crumbled wall. A terrified guardian scraped from behind the ruin, but bloodred hands restrained it.
Johnny swung the sight around. This was his only chance, before it destroyed the rest of the guardian advance and came for him.
He breathed. The ringing in his ears finally settled, allowing him a moment of peace that cut through the darkness. He could see his target clearly, the guardian in the creature’s clutches.
“Give Iskra my regards.”
The explosion rocked the forest. Dust and stone shredded the trees and ruin, wiping out the area. Johnny ducked his head as gravel stung his face and hands. He coughed, wiping the grit from his eyes.
The creature’s body slumped against the ruins, torn to bits. Nothing could bring it back.
The other guardians turned to face him. Johnny gripped the gun, but instead they bent, seemingly bowing in gratitude. The wall of stone sank into the ground, disappearing until not a single pebble remained.
Cool, crisp air blew across the gunslinger’s face as sunlight glittered through the trees. Johnny closed his eyes, breathing in the sweet, sweet silence.
Betrayal
Spoiler Alert!
My gf and I played a fun game not that long ago. It was a very cinematic ending, one of the top finishes we've ever had. It helps that I won, I'm sure. I've been thinking of redirecting some of my writing hobby to Heroscape. As a warm up today I thought I'd cover the ending to that game. This obviously isn't intended to be "canon" (we play with VC in my house), just a fun, bite-sized story that people might like to read. I might add more of our games in the future; I have some favorites in mind. Maybe some sort of "Game Reports, but Fun" series.
For reference, I was playing a cowboy and Jandar soulborg army, and my girlfriend was playing a knights and Quasatch Hunters army. The only way for that sort of matchup to make sense lore-wise was some sort of betrayal (the cowboys and soulborgs I was playing were the alliance, Jandar, Aquilla, Einar, etc. while the knights are also Jandar and the Hunters are Aquilla).
Anyway, here is Betrayal. Enjoy!
Betrayal
Spoiler Alert!
Mad Dog Malone squeezed the trigger. The shot echoed through the storm, clanging off the figure on the far side of the aqueduct.
“The hell?” Malone muttered. Thunder drowned out his next shot. The figure advanced, the gloomy shape growing through the pounding rain. Malone stepped back. Pierce and Murphy’s bodies lay still in the shallow water lapping over his ankles.
To his left and far below, gunfire lit up the jungle brush through the sheet of rain. Quasatch corpses piled up next to Deltacron as the machine twisted, ripping through the underbrush and hacking any hunter that got too close. Dents covered its steel hide, and circuitry trailed from its legs and the barrel spun over and over. There was no pain, only glory for the alliance, and punishment for this betrayal.
Malone’s toes stung with bitter cold. He grunted as the aqueduct waters shimmered and froze. Lightning crashed through the next sky, blinding him in the reflection of steel. The gun clattered to the aqueduct and splashed into the water.
“You!” Malone roared.
Sir Gilbert sneered, thrusting his sword and drawing blood from Malone’s shoulder. Rage filled his core, the betrayal fueling hatred he’d never felt before. His fished smashed into Gilbert’s armor in a flurry of blows, knocking the flag out of his hands. Malone scooped up the symbol, countering Gilbert’s next strike.
“You don’t deserve this flag.” Malone seethed, his nose inches from Gilbert. And yet, for all the pain, all the suffering, all of his friends dead at his feet, there was no recognition in the knight’s eyes.
A screech echoed off the aqueduct. Malone turned to see one last hunter hurl itself from the bushes and bury its club in Deltacron’s heart.
“Deltacron!” Malone screamed. The soulborg hurtled to the ground in a steaming heap of metal. The lights on its front blinked twice, the signal they’d developed in their time in training.
Friends.
The light died.
White-hot pain seared his side as Gilbert thrust his sword through his stomach.
“For the glory of Utgar,” the flagbearer intoned. As Gilbert raised the sword for one last blow, Malone drove the flag of Jandar under his helmet, letting out every last drop of hatred and vengeance in a primal scream. Expressionless, Gilbert toppled backward into the waters.
Malone groaned, clutching his side. Tears mixed with the rain as he crawled to the side of the aqueduct, fishing for his gun until his fingers touched the cold metal and lifted it from the maroon waves. He leaned against the aqueduct barrier, clutching his wound and supporting his shooting arm. The last Quasatch celebrated over Deltacron’s husk, raising its club and barking its war cry, the cry Malone knew all too well.
“You bastards,” Malone muttered.
Lightning flashed, illuminating the jungle. The crack of the gun stopped the hunter’s celebration. He watched the creature’s body crumple with grim satisfaction. The last of the dissenters, gone. Alliance secrets, safe.
The gun slipped from his fingers, falling to the grass below. He slumped against the wall, the chill from his side spreading to his eyes. He splayed his fingers, soaked with blood. He’d seen this before.
Malone glanced over at Gilbert’s body. “You were…the best of us…”
He closed his eyes, the familiar feeling of death carrying him away.
P.S. Like any good writer, I'm always happy to hear feedback, whether it is positive or constructively critical. Let me know what you think! Also, as a shameless self-promotion, I do have several fiction novels available on Amazon. You can find the newest one here. If you enjoyed these stories, you may enjoy my other work, even if they don't have anything to do with your favorite game.
Last edited by ryguy266; October 22nd, 2023 at 07:51 PM.
Reason: New myth!
Hey
@ryguy266
! Welcome to our small corner of HSers!
I'm a writer myself, so I definitely understand your desire for feedback. It's the only way to truly test yourself and get better. On that note, let me offer you my thoughts:
Spoiler Alert!
I only spotted one typo:
Quote:
His fished smashed into Gilbert’s armor
Pretty sure you mean fist there. It did take me a moment; for a second I thought he was smacking Gilbert with a dead fish, which did create a funny picture in my mind.
In terms of pure writing style, there were a few lines which were a bit jarring to read, such as:
Quote:
Sir Gilbert sneered, thrusting his sword and drawing blood from Malone’s shoulder. Rage filled his core, the betrayal fueling hatred he’d never felt before.
Quote:
White-hot pain seared his side as Gilbert thrust his sword through his stomach.
In both these cases, the object of the pronouns wasn't super clear, more in the first example than the second. In both cases, one of the 'his's refers to Malone, but on a first reading, they seem to refer to Gilbert.
There's no hard and fast rule about how to handle this. My best suggestion would be to simply read quality stories as much as possible; you'll eventually assimilate good writing habits and do them by instinct.
A few other minor nitpicks: I couldn't tell what side Deltacron was on until he died. Now there is a line at the end of the second paragraph:
Quote:
There was no pain, only glory for the alliance, and punishment for this betrayal.
... But this doesn't work for two reasons. Firstly, not having followed VC, I don't know what side Deltacron/Malone are on (this being fan fiction, one could argue that I should have done proper homework before reading, but I would counter-argue that a writer should never assume his readers have done so, and always explain things himself).
Secondly, the above line doesn't really connect to anything. What is it talking about? Deltacron has no pain? Malone has no pain? What betrayal? And... wait, why was Malone firing at Deltacron if they were allies? I'm actually confused now...
But enough with the criticisms. I do like your style. It's rough around the edges, and could certainly use some work in the field of explanations, but it moves right along, dragging the reader in nicely.
There isn't a big focus on emotions or internal thinking, but neither does there need to be in such a short piece. The actions of the characters are perfectly sufficient to show the reader where their minds are at, and let him fill in the gaps.
I like also your description of the setting; I had a little trouble visualizing it, and feel like a tad more description could go a long way, but the groundwork is there, and the bits about Malone standing in the water of the aqueduct were very well done.
Overall, I'd be interested to see more of your writing. Keep it up!
Hey
@ryguy266
! Welcome to our small corner of HSers!
I'm a writer myself, so I definitely understand your desire for feedback. It's the only way to truly test yourself and get better. On that note, let me offer you my thoughts:
Spoiler Alert!
I only spotted one typo:
Quote:
His fished smashed into Gilbert’s armor
Pretty sure you mean fist there. It did take me a moment; for a second I thought he was smacking Gilbert with a dead fish, which did create a funny picture in my mind.
In terms of pure writing style, there were a few lines which were a bit jarring to read, such as:
Quote:
Sir Gilbert sneered, thrusting his sword and drawing blood from Malone’s shoulder. Rage filled his core, the betrayal fueling hatred he’d never felt before.
Quote:
White-hot pain seared his side as Gilbert thrust his sword through his stomach.
In both these cases, the object of the pronouns wasn't super clear, more in the first example than the second. In both cases, one of the 'his's refers to Malone, but on a first reading, they seem to refer to Gilbert.
There's no hard and fast rule about how to handle this. My best suggestion would be to simply read quality stories as much as possible; you'll eventually assimilate good writing habits and do them by instinct.
A few other minor nitpicks: I couldn't tell what side Deltacron was on until he died. Now there is a line at the end of the second paragraph:
Quote:
There was no pain, only glory for the alliance, and punishment for this betrayal.
... But this doesn't work for two reasons. Firstly, not having followed VC, I don't know what side Deltacron/Malone are on (this being fan fiction, one could argue that I should have done proper homework before reading, but I would counter-argue that a writer should never assume his readers have done so, and always explain things himself).
Secondly, the above line doesn't really connect to anything. What is it talking about? Deltacron has no pain? Malone has no pain? What betrayal? And... wait, why was Malone firing at Deltacron if they were allies? I'm actually confused now...
But enough with the criticisms. I do like you're style. It's rough around the edges, and could certainly use some work in the field of explanations, but it moves right along, dragging the reader in nicely.
There isn't a big focus on emotions or internal thinking, but neither does there need to be in such a short piece. The actions of the characters are perfectly sufficient to show the reader where their minds are at, and let him fill in the gaps.
I like also your description of the setting; I had a little trouble visualizing it, and feel like a tad more description could go a long way, but the groundwork is there, and the bits about Malone standing in the water of the aqueduct were very well done.
Overall, I'd be interested to see more of your writing. Keep it up!
~TGRF.
Hey TGRF! Thanks for the welcome, I'd noticed you were a big figurehead in this. I appreciate the feedback! It's like hearing from my editor without having to pay my editor I guess I assumed most people were caught up on VC lore. Deltacron is a Jandar VC soulborg and Malone is an Aquilla VC gunslinger. I set the premise up as a "betrayal" of Jandar and Aquilla by Sir Gilbert (Jandar) and the Quasatch (Aquilla). It really doesn't make too much sense, but it's not like my gf and I were too focused on lore when we were drafting. Just wanted to share this fun battle ending and have it make some sense why we each finished with mixed units opposing each other. It was a fun exercise though, I think I'll be sharing more in the future
Hey TGRF! Thanks for the welcome, I'd noticed you were a big figurehead in this. I appreciate the feedback! It's like hearing from my editor without having to pay my editor I guess I assumed most people were caught up on VC lore. Deltacron is a Jandar VC soulborg and Malone is an Aquilla VC gunslinger. I set the premise up as a "betrayal" of Jandar and Aquilla by Sir Gilbert (Jandar) and the Quasatch (Aquilla). It really doesn't make too much sense, but it's not like my gf and I were too focused on lore when we were drafting. Just wanted to share this fun battle ending and have it make some sense why we each finished with mixed units opposing each other. It was a fun exercise though, I think I'll be sharing more in the future
Honestly, most people probably are caught up on VC lore. I'm sure I'm in the minority there. But that being said, I like to write my fan fictions from the stand point of an outsider reading them, with no knowledge of HS.
Hey Ryguy we read and talked about your short story a few weeks back on the ToV Podcast. Here is a link to the segment: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XGwqrj_C3os
Looking forward to more as soon as you are able!
Wow, this is a huge honor! I'm so glad you all liked it. Joe did such a great job reading the story, he really brought it to life. And you all took away exactly what I wanted from the story.
Your kind words inspired me to write another of the many stories I have stored away. I just uploaded the story to the OP. You have a lot of great fanfiction to get through in this forum, but I hope you all will enjoy this one as well. And I hope you don't mind me changing the title of this thread, influenced in part by your great work.
P.S.
@Joecrazy3193
I think that a Heroscape short film sounds like a really fun idea (although your normal cup games are so well edited, they're practically short films in themselves). If you want a co-writer, hit me up!
Re: Myths of Valhalla by Ryguy (New story "Silence" out now!
So awesome to see this becoming a collection of short stories. As usual, you can find my thoughts below:
Spoiler Alert!
This story was way easier to follow than the last one, partly due to the fact that there are virtually no pronouns hanging in no-man's land, but especially because of the intro, in which you explained what your army consisted of. That really helped me, knowing what the sides were.
Your description of Esenwein as 'it' threw me the first time I read it, but that was really the only instance of not following the action.
As in the last story, you had some great descriptions here, quite a few stand-out phrases I really liked. If I had to point to one I thought was especially clever, it would be describing the Guardian's eyes as containing 'mountains' of fear. A clever use of words I appreciated.
Like the last story, this one was short and to the point. Description is at a minimum, but what there is uses prose excellently, packing big descriptive punches in relatively short spaces.
The last story had passages where I had trouble visualizing everything going on. This story was the complete opposite. I could see everything in my mind as it unfolded.
Since this is now a collection, I will be adding this to the index, which means ratings can now be collected for the individual stories.
As for my own ratings, I will rate 'Betrayal' as a 6 - Good. There was some good stuff in there, but my confusion about who was on whose side, and the occasional lack of understanding of what was going on, detracted from my experience.
'Silence' I will give between a 7 and a 8, closer to an 8 - Excellent. It had excellent description, was easily visualized, and really the only thing I didn't like is that I wished there was more to it.
Any other readers can either post their ratings for individual stories here in the thread, or PM them to me if you wish to remain anonymous. The rating system can be found below:
Spoiler Alert!
Code:
1: Terrible
2: Very bad
3: Bad
4: Poor
5: Not bad
6: Good
7: Very good
8: Excellent
9: Awesome
10: The best of the best
Re: Myths of Valhalla by Ryguy (New story "Silence" out now!
Quote:
Originally Posted by The Grim Reaper's Friend
So awesome to see this becoming a collection of short stories. As usual, you can find my thoughts below:
Spoiler Alert!
This story was way easier to follow than the last one, partly due to the fact that there are virtually no pronouns hanging in no-man's land, but especially because of the intro, in which you explained what your army consisted of. That really helped me, knowing what the sides were.
Your description of Esenwein as 'it' threw me the first time I read it, but that was really the only instance of not following the action.
As in the last story, you had some great descriptions here, quite a few stand-out phrases I really liked. If I had to point to one I thought was especially clever, it would be describing the Guardian's eyes as containing 'mountains' of fear. A clever use of words I appreciated.
Like the last story, this one was short and to the point. Description is at a minimum, but what there is uses prose excellently, packing big descriptive punches in relatively short spaces.
The last story had passages where I had trouble visualizing everything going on. This story was the complete opposite. I could see everything in my mind as it unfolded.
Since this is now a collection, I will be adding this to the index, which means ratings can now be collected for the individual stories.
As for my own ratings, I will rate 'Betrayal' as a 6 - Good. There was some good stuff in there, but my confusion about who was on whose side, and the occasional lack of understanding of what was going on, detracted from my experience.
'Silence' I will give between a 7 and a 8, closer to an 8 - Excellent. It had excellent description, was easily visualized, and really the only thing I didn't like is that I wished there was more to it.
Any other readers can either post their ratings for individual stories here in the thread, or PM them to me if you wish to remain anonymous. The rating system can be found below:
Spoiler Alert!
Code:
1: Terrible
2: Very bad
3: Bad
4: Poor
5: Not bad
6: Good
7: Very good
8: Excellent
9: Awesome
10: The best of the best
Looking forward to more stories!
~TGRF.
Hey, I appreciate the feedback as always! I plan to leave all the stories as-is generally, and incorporate the feedback into future stories. However, I did go back and update the introduction for "Betrayal" thanks to your critiques. My intended audience is 'Scapers, but it's clear now (and in retrospect, I don't know why it wasn't clear before) that the VC lore is not as ingrained in everyone as it is in me. That's totally fine, but I should have adjusted for that. A brief discussion on the armies and their general alignments has been added.
While you can't go back and read it for the first time, I'm hoping that for other readers in a similar situation, this will clear up any confusion. Even a few words of exposition in a story only a few hundred words long really slows everything down. As you've already deduced from my writing style, I don't tend to ramble. But adding it beforehand is an easy way to help people keep track of things, and I plan to do that moving forward.
I didn't know about this rating system, but I appreciate the generous score. Thanks for keeping this subforum alive!
Re: Myths of Valhalla by Ryguy (New story "Silence" out now!
Here's my thoughts:
Spoiler Alert!
I actually don't have a whole lot to say about this one. It was more lighthearted than the others, and while there was certainly nothing wrong with the writing I could find, nothing really stood out to me either, like some of the descriptions did in the last two stories.
I would give this between a 6 and a 7, probably closer to a 7.
I only found one correction, where you said 'once glance' instead of 'one glance', and the last half of the first paragraph was worded kind of strangely - it took me a second to figure out what you were saying. But that's all I found. The rest was easy to follow, and as usual, your description of action remains excellent.
Re: Myths of Valhalla by Ryguy (New story "Silence" out now!
Hello there ryguy! Just stopping by to drop off our latest take on your "Silence" story and here I see you have added another story! Awesome! We will have to take a look at that one as soon as we can. Enjoy what we thought. All the best to you.
Ryan Wilke aka Tales of Valhalla
Re: Myths of Valhalla by Ryguy (New story "Silence" out now!
Quote:
Originally Posted by TalesOfValhallaOfficial
Hello there ryguy! Just stopping by to drop off our latest take on your "Silence" story and here I see you have added another story! Awesome! We will have to take a look at that one as soon as we can. Enjoy what we thought. All the best to you.
Ryan Wilke aka Tales of Valhalla
More kind words! Thank you for the feedback, and I'm glad you all are enjoying the stories. I took your words to heart for the newest one, and it's got a healthy dose of Lt. Dan...
December 3rd, 2022, 01:52 PM
I guess I assumed most people were caught up on VC lore. Deltacron is a Jandar VC soulborg and Malone is an Aquilla VC gunslinger. I set the premise up as a "betrayal" of Jandar and Aquilla by Sir Gilbert (Jandar) and the Quasatch (Aquilla). It really doesn't make too much sense, but it's not like my gf and I were too focused on lore when we were drafting. Just wanted to share this fun battle ending and have it make some sense why we each finished with mixed units opposing each other. It was a fun exercise though, I think I'll be sharing more in the future 
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