News Headline Add-Ons

[flameslayer93]

Sweet 16th birthday is ruined when this happens: she turns 17

:
The actual story is almost as funny as this one liner.

[davidlhsl]

Killers use power tools to break out of N.Y. prison -- only at the Home Depot.
What's happened to Tiger Woods? Two words: Sand Trap
Concert descends into chaos when Lady Gaga plucked a 20-min solo on her banjo.
Treasury secretary booed. That's a start.
He faces a $7 billion divorce bill. That was almost as much as the wedding.
American Pharoah: Century's first super-horse. When he retires, we can turn him into super glue.
9 months pregnant in 90 seconds. No time for foreplay when the game is on TV.
Asian parents: Your kids are not robots. That'll come as a shock to THX-1139.
Transformer superyacht is also a jet and helicopter. Yeah, Batman is awesome!
U.S. (women's soccer) team: Extroverts bent on revenge. Introverts bent on their slow internet connection speeds.
Want this math genius' mansion? It's yours for $23M divided 3, then multiplied by the square of the sums of the first prime number greater than 10,000 and the square of the cosine of a 27 degree angle times 10,000.
Hog heaven for GOP hopefuls. You mean we're going to barbecue them in a smoke pit? Perhaps we could deep fry the Democrats.
Windows 10's make or break features, mostly break.
What will Apple announce on Monday? The iPrimeRib.
World's largest telescope coming to ogle Hannah and her horse.
Perry's wife explains flameout: too much lighter fluid on the charcoal.
Why would China hack the U.S. government: we have better porn.
Your finger may be your bank password. After looking at all the bank fees, can you guess which finger?

[mac122]

LightSail spacecraft wakes up again, has a cup of coffee, reads the funnies, takes a nap.

Turkey baster could save rare turtle from the brink of a Thanksgiving dinner disaster!

International Space Station shifts orbit position after glitch, Russians say. Station now orbiting Venus.

Jack Ma: China Needs American Products to copy, make cheaply, and sell back to Americans.

A high-tech way to detect a mail bomb: Use your cellphone to ask your neighbor to check your mail.

[davidlhsl]

Zoo animals escape in flood. NOAH!!!
Get there without freaking out. Going to the dentist isn't that bad.
Why lobster is really expensive: it rhymes with mobster.
What's killing the bees? George Zimmerman. Does this mean O.J. is off the hook?
'Ho-hum' deaths on 'Game of Thrones'. I missed the spontaneous combustion pandemic from the last sea... BOOM! Ooops, there goes another one!
Why pets are the best medicine: because they are so tasty!
Island where people forget to die. Has Dr. Moreau gone too far?
Get a lesson in octopus hunting. Step 1: Be vewwy, vewwy qwiet!
See reporter freak out over cicadas. I'm pretty certain the cicadas were freaking out as well.
What you didn't know about Watergate. Those missing 18-1/2 minutes? Nixon's spectacular Elvis impersonation.
Stunning video shows the power of makeup. Before: ugly. After: Maybe after a few more drinks.
What are your top three financial objectives? Mo money! Mo money! Mo money!
Teaching kids financial responsibility, while you spend their college funds on more Heroscape.

[davidlhsl]

Killers' DNA found in cabin. Correction: Killers' BMW found in cabin.
Obama uses N-word on purpose: "No!"
Ex-White House chef's body found in last night's State Dinner.
Apple caves to Taylor Swift. iPhone users complain about the new limited selection of ringtones.
21-year-old did what Tiger (Woods) couldn't: remain faithful to his wife.
Dog lovers, dog eaters square off in China over a delicious dinner. The grilled cat was superb!
Sleep or die early, research shows. Zzzzzzz...
Cat trapped 64 days in a moving carton. Gotta love Garfield.
Cat trapped 64 days in a moving carton en route to China.
Cat trapped 64 days in a moving carton. UPS is getting sloppy.
I get beer cans thrown at me. Everybody loves Burt's Beer.
Study says cat videos are good for you, according to mac122.

[davidlhsl]

Microsoft to slash 7,800 jobs. Poor Steve Jobs! Oh, sorry. Never mind.
What Clinton learned in '08 defeat: tacos are tasty!
Black hole awakens, erupts. I need to get a quieter alarm clock.
Han Solo prequel on the way in which he shoots first.
Man punches cougar to save pet. Pet thanks man by eating him.
After default, Greece asks for more $. Just like Kickstarter.
Broadway actor: Idiot ran on stage. Gotta love Justin Bieber.
700-year-old doodles by medieval scribes. My favorite is the doodle of a catapult that launches cats.
The addicting app that feeds cats. So that's what happened to my iPad! Fluffikins, get over here!
Behold the nano Bible, complete with the 10-gigabye Commandments!
Which celebs tied the knot on July 4th? (and dumped the bodies in the river)
Bear grabs rock and does this... smashes scissors.
Baby shark falls from sky. Sharknado!!!

[SirGalahad]

Not a headline, but too funny not to share.

On a billboard in Phoenix, AZ:

Complete Cremations - $586.25 Partial cremations starting at $79.95

[davidlhsl]

Originally Posted by SirGalahad

Not a headline, but too funny not to share.

On a billboard in Phoenix, AZ:

Complete Cremations - $586.25 Partial cremations starting at $79.95

How much to just toss a lit match at my face?

[SirGalahad]

Originally Posted by davidlhsl

How much to just toss a lit match at my face?

That's what the $0.25 is for.

[mac122]

Originally Posted by SirGalahad

That's what the $0.25 is for.

So, would a partial cremation be a light toasting? Or would you just cremate part of the remains so you can buy a smaller coffin?

[mac122]

Unhealthy fast food breakfasts guaranteed to blow your diet. Sign...me...up!

One man's ashes will fly by Pluto on Tuesday. Hmmm...wonder if it's the whole guy or if they just went for the partial cremation?

Mystery solved: Why large dinosaurs avoided the tropics for millions of years. No all-inclusive resorts.

Earth is losing its bumblebees to better offers from Mars.

Sec. Lew Tackles Greece, Iran and Jeb Bush. Assault charges pending.

Why chef Marc Forgione is smiling. Obviously he is enjoying the hilarious News Headline Add-Ons!

[davidlhsl]

Rains shut part of interstate. That's a dangerous place to have a softball game!
Country stars split up after meeting on Farmersonly.com
Country stars split up. I'm pretty sure the song they'll write will be a hit.
Country stars split up over a banana split.
23-lb. lobster is 95 years old. Maybe I should eat at the Olive Garden instead. (urp!)
Man dead in Demi Moore's pool. Apparantly, Demi Moore takes cannonball a little too literally.
Naked baristas! Free coffee! Sadly, everyone was more excited about the free coffee.
How to buy a perfectly fitted shirt: shop at Wal Mart. That, my friends, is an example of what I like to call sarcasm. Next week: Donald Trump: qualified to be our next President!
Most British tea comes from... naked baristas!
Kerry to make historic trip to Cuba. Why doesn't President Obama buy his own cigars?
Springsteen surprises bar with concert. Drunk in the back mutters, "Who's Springsteen? (hic)"
How do screams scare us? Like this: AAAAAAAGH!!!!
How do you behave in kindergarten? Hopefully better than the members of Congress.
Share your family recipes. Ok, first, coat your sister with barbecue sauce while she's texting. Next, get the charcoal grill started, then ...