Marr's rising stars

[jesus20456]

Marr's Rising stars
"Let them advance," I ordered. The other gorillinators turned to me, curiosity in their eyes replacing the exhaustion that had been there moments prior. We were entrenched in the forests of Marr, they'd been holding a lake for days now from the Marro warriors. If they entered it, surely they would multiply and be impossible for us to defeat, there were so many of them now, and few of the gorillinator soldiers still stood to fight back. Vydar had sent me along with various squads of reinforcements. Only I had managed to make it this far.

"There are higher positions behind the lake." I explained, the tall trees and hills behind us were of course an appealing idea.

"Yet to gain them we will have to let Marro Warriors advance to the lake, if they reach here, we are doomed."

"I have a plan for that, trust me, now move on ahead, let us not waste our time talking about our plan and act." They nodded, hesitantly. They must have thought me insane. I wasn't entirely sure my plan would work.

I'd built a new weapon in preparation for this battle. I knew much of this battle would depend upon our ability to hold the lake and to help, I'd constructed a blade with electrical energy channeled through it. The Nakita agents had given me the innovative idea and it was not difficult to build for a Primadon, as it turns out kiradium is an excellent conductor.

They took the bait. They had no reason not to, we had defended the lake so fiercely up until now that our retreat likely meant to them that we had received orders to attack elsewhere. They reached the lake and began firing at other units nearby, the zettian guards fell quickly to the firing squad of marro, and no one fired back yet, it was pointless and dangerous to take on marro on a lake, more were always appearing after all. Unless of course, you made the lake a hazard.

I threw my knife into the lake and electricity coursed through it, the smell of frying marro filled the battlefield as I picked up my rifle and moved out to continue the charge. No more marro warriors was great for us, but there many opponents left to attend to and I refused to let them defeat us. The hounds and stingers trekked through the jungle looking for us as we took to the trees for height. This would be our battle now, we'd taken the lake, we'd take the fight. This would be another great victory for the Primadon people.

To Be Continued

I got the idea of writing a story about the different factions involved in the war on Marr, I'll be focusing on a hero from the Marro, the Vipers and the Primadons in this story, all feedback is appreciated.

[TGRF]

Holy Guacamole! I do believe another fan fiction has sprouted!

Back in the day, I earned the reputation of a grammar fanatic, mostly because I notice grammar mistakes and then feel compelled to correct them. So don't let my ensuing nitpicking get you down. I'm just weird that way.

Grammar issues:

Spoiler Alert!

"Let them advance." I ordered.

This entire line is one sentence. Because of that, a comma is used at the end of the quotation, rather than a period. If the written sentence had ended with the quotation, a period would be used. Compare to the quote in the fourth paragraph, which is correct.

"i have..."

Words that begin sentences should always be capitalized. Additionally, the words 'I' and 'O' are always capitalized, no matter where they are in the sentence.

A good start! I might recommend a bit more detail on setting, as it was difficult for me to picture the battlefield and the people involved. However, it sounds like a good premise!

~TGRF.

[TheAverageFan]

Aren't you supposed to be working on your Contest Entry?

Anyhow, it's a good start I say. Marr is the home world of some of my favorite factions, so I look forward to reading your stories. Non-humans need some love too.

~TAF

[jesus20456]

Originally Posted by The Grim Reaper's Friend

Holy Guacamole! I do believe another fan fiction has sprouted!

Back in the day, I earned the reputation of a grammar fanatic, mostly because I notice grammar mistakes and then feel compelled to correct them. So don't let my ensuing nitpicking get you down. I'm just weird that way.

Grammar issues:

Spoiler Alert!

This entire line is one sentence. Because of that, a comma is used at the end of the quotation, rather than a period. If the written sentence had ended with the quotation, a period would be used. Compare to the quote in the fourth paragraph, which is correct.

Words that begin sentences should always be capitalized. Additionally, the words 'I' and 'O' are always capitalized, no matter where they are in the sentence.

A good start! I might recommend a bit more detail on setting, as it was difficult for me to picture the battlefield and the people involved. However, it sounds like a good premise!

~TGRF.

Ah grammar, my greatest weakness. I'll do my best to keep that under control in the future, just wanted to rush an intro scene to see if I can test for any interest in a Marr story honestly, kind of surprised with the results thus far. I've edited to include a better set up and fix the grammar errors you presented. Thank you for your help Also, don't worry TheAverageFan, I'm definitely still working on my contest entry, it's being edited.