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Old February 16th, 2007, 01:27 PM
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Pumpkin_King Pumpkin_King is offline
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Just How Awesome is Agent Carr?

This cam as a result of a conversation between me and a friend, about just how awesome Carr really is. And before someone goes and says, "Yeah, I play him, and he dies all the time," these are meant as jokes, the way Chuck Norris "facts" are. Anyway, enjoy.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Agent Carr.

Agent Carr always rolls a 20. Always.

Agent Carr doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Agent Carr does not sleep. He waits.

Agent Carr is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Agent Carr counted to infinity - twice.

When Agent Carr does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

Agent Carr is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

There is no such thing as global warming. Agent Carr was cold, so he turned the sun up.

Agent Carr can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

Agent Carr doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

Agent Carr can slam a revolving door.

Crop circles are Agent Carr’s way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.

The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Agent Carr out. It failed miserably.

Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Agent Carr has 72... and they're all poisonous.

When Agent Carr sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Agent Carr has not had to pay taxes, ever.

Agent Carr can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Agent Carr and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Agent Carr will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.

If you spell Agent Carr in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

Agent Carr once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Agent Carr re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.

Agent Carr has two speeds: Walk and Kill.

Faster than a speeding bullet ... more powerful than a locomotive ... able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... yes, these are some of Agent Carr’s warm-up exercises.

Agent Carr can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Heck was That?"

Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Agent Carr.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Agent Carr could use to kill you, including the room itself.

When Agent Carr goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

When Agent Carr calls 1-900 numbers, he doesn’t get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.

Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Agent Carr likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes

When Agent Carr was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.

When Agent Carr falls in water, Agent Carr doesn't get wet. Water gets Agent Carr.

Agent Carr CAN believe it's not butter.

Agent Carr can divide by zero.

A picture is worth a thousand words. An Agent Carr is worth 1 billion words.

When the first game of Heroscape was played in France, the French surrendered to Agent Carr just to be on the safe side.

Agent Carr once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography.

Agent Carr always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.

When taking the SAT, write "Agent Carr" for every answer. You will score over 8000.

Agent Carr invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

Agent Carr has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

Agent Carr can add whatever the heck he wants to his attack roll.

Agent Carr grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.

Agent Carr ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

Agent Carr and Major Q9 walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.

Agent Carr can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty-seven seconds.

The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Agent Carr. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.

There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Agent Carr lives in Oklahoma.

Agent Carr doesn't believe in Germany.

Agent Carr once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.

Agent Carr played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

Simply by pulling on both ends, Agent Carr can stretch diamonds back into coal.

Agent Carr doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes, and sidewalks.
Hellen Keller's favorite color is Agent Carr.

If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Agent Carr would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.
Agent Carr proved that we are alone in the universe. We weren't before his first space expedition.

Agent Carr did in fact, build Rome in a day.

Anytime someone is elected president in the United States, they must ask permission from Agent Carr to live in the White House. The reason for this is because Agent Carr had won every Federal, State, and Local election since 1777. He just allows others to run the country in his place.

Agent Carr once sued Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr, insisting that that actually is "his" way.

Agent Carr is the only person in the world that can actually email a roundhouse kick.

Agent Carr can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Agent Carr once pulled out a single hair from his ponytail and skewered three men through the heart with it.

If at first you don't succeed, you're not Agent Carr.

Agent Carr brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol.

Do you know why Baskin Robbins only has 31 flavors? Because Agent Carr doesn't like Fudge Ripple.

Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Agent Carr jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.

It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call Agent Carr a giant meteor.

Agent Carr can judge a book by its cover.

As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Agent Carr."

Agent Carr just says "no" to drugs. If he said "yes", it would collapse Colombia's infrastructure.

Agent Carr does not own a house. He walks into random houses and people move.

Industrial logging isn't the cause of deforestation. Agent Carr needs toothpicks.

"Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what Agent Carr calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.

Agent Carr uses a night light. Not because Agent Carr is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Agent Carr.

Agent Carr is not capable of hitting a target on the broad side of a barn. Every time he tries, the whole darn barn falls down.

When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Agent Carr.

Agent Carr once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.

Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Agent Carr glare will liquefy your kidneys.

Agent Carr once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.

Agent Carr’s version of a "chocolate milkshake" is a raw porterhouse wrapped around ten Hershey bars, and doused in diesel fuel.

Everybody loves Raymond. Except Agent Carr.

Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Agent Carr while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.

Agent Carr got his drivers license at the age of 16. Days.

Agent Carr can win at solitaire with only 18 cards.

Saddam Hussein was not found hiding in a "hole." Saddam was roundhouse-kicked in the head by Agent Carr in Kansas, which sent him through the earth, stopping just short of the surface of Iraq.

Agent Carr does not have to answer the phone. His ponytail picks up the incoming electrical impulses and translates them into audible sound.

When Agent Carr does division, there are no remainders.
The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Even the worst-laid plans of Agent Carr come off without a hitch.

The phrase 'dead ringer' refers to someone who sits behind Agent Carr in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.

Agent Carr can blow bubbles with beef jerky.

Agent Carr can skeletize a cow in two minutes.

Agent Carr’s first job was as a paperboy. There were no survivors.

With the rising cost of gasoline, Agent Carr is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.

Agent Carr never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.

Agent Carr eats steak for every single meal. Most times he forgets to kill the cow.

Agent Carr doesn't go on the internet, he has every internet site stored in his memory. He refreshes webpages by blinking.

When you say "no one's perfect", Agent Carr takes this as a personal insult.

Agent Carr was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost.

Agent Carr drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.

Most people fear the Reaper. Agent Carr considers him "a promising Rookie".

Agent Carr once ate four 30lb bowling balls without chewing.

Agent Carr likes his coffee half and half: half coffee grounds, half wood-grain alcohol.

Agent Carr uses tabasco sauce instead of visine.

Agent Carr’s credit cards have no limit. Last weekend, he maxed them out.

Agent Carr sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

Agent Carr starts every day with a protein shake made from Carnation Instant Breakfast, one dozen eggs, pure Colombian cocaine, and rattlesnake venom. He injects it directly into his neck with a syringe.

For undercover police work, Agent Carr pins his badge underneath his shirt, directly into his chest.

Agent Carr sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Carr roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

If Agent Carr wants your opinion, he'll beat it into you.

Agent Carr has to register every part of his body as a separate lethal weapon. His spleen is considered a concealed weapon in over 30 states.

When Arnold says the line "I'll be back" in the first Terminator movie it is implied that is he going to ask Agent Carr for help.

There are no such things as tornados. Agent Carr just hates trailer parks.

Agent Carr was the orginal sculptor of Mount Rushmore. He completed the entire project using only a bottle opener and a drywall trowel.

Agent Carr has banned rainbows from the state of North Dakota.

TNT was originally developed by Agent Carr to cure indigestion.

Agent Carr will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.

They say curiosity killed the cat. This is false. Agent Carr killed the cat. Every single one of them.

Agent Carr crossed the road. No one has ever dared question his motives.

The pen is mighter than the sword, but only if the pen is held by Agent Carr .

Agent Carr knows the last digit of pi.

The 1972 Miami Dolphins lost one game, it was an exhibition game vs. Agent Carr and the Tarn Viking Warriors. Agent Carr won with a roundhouse-kick to the face in overtime.

Agent Carr is not Politically Correct. He is just Correct. Always.

Agent Carr has volunteered to remain on earth after the Rapture; he will spend his time fighting the Anti-Christ.

In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. Agent Carr was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.

Agent Carr wipes his butt with chain mail and sandpaper.

Agent Carr once got into a fight with a one-armed Ninja. Seeing that he had an unfair advantage, Agent Carr ripped both of his arms off and one of his legs. He then roundhouse-kicked the ninja in the head, killing him instantly, and proceeded to sow his limbs back on using only a rusty tent spike and bailing wire.

Most tough men eat nails for breakfast. Agent Carr does all of his grocery shopping at Home Depot.

Agent Carr’s pulse is measured on the richter scale.

Agent Carr once roundhouse-kicked a ten dollar bill into 200 nickels.

For every Heroscape game played with Agent Carr, the historical duration of the war decreases. Just 3 more games, and that war will have never actually existed.

During the Vietnam War, Agent Carr allowed himself to be captured. For torture, they made him eat his own entrails. He asked for seconds.

Agent Carr invented all 32 letters of the alphabet.

People have often asked the United States, What is your secret weapon against terrorists? We simply reply...Agent Carr.

Agent Carr does not know about this website. If he did he would have just deleted the internet.

Agent Carr’s sweat has burned holes in concrete.

Agent Carr can split the atom. With his bare hands.

Agent Carr visits an active volcano every morning to get some of "the best darn espresso on Earth".

Agent Carr goes to Vegas, he doesn't have to gamble. The casinos just give him stacks of money.

Agent Carr once bench-pressed the entire state of Ohio, and all of its residents.

The popular videogame "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from Agent Carr and forgot to pay him back.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime. Teach Agent Carr to fish and he will rid the ocean of all perceivable life forms.

Circles exist because Agent Carr beat the crap out of some squares.

Agent Carr sunk the Titanic in hopes of making the movie end sooner.

Agent Carr was disqualified from the 1994 Olympic Shotput Championship for reversing the polarity of Earth.

Agent Carr knows the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow (African *AND* European).

Agent Carr coined the term "silent but deadly" when one of his farts took physical form and assassinated key political figures in the 12th century

In fine print at on the last page of the Guiness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Agent Carr , and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever come to matching him.

In 2005, Agent Carr entered a Cannonball Contest at his neighborhood pool. The death toll is still rising.

Agent Carr can do push ups with both arms tied behind his back.

Agent Carr once talked an Amish housewife into buying a toaster.

Agent Carr and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing his underwear on the outside of his pants.

Agent Carr can speak braille.

Agent Carr’s tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Agent Carr died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

Agent Carr can delete the Recycling Bin.

Agent Carr can build a snowman out of rain.

When Agent Carr enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Agent Carr can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.

Agent Carr can tie his shoes with his feet.

Agent Carr used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.

Feel free to post your own!
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  #2  
Old February 17th, 2007, 03:49 PM
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Guerillinator Guerillinator is offline
 
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When Agent Carr once had the stomach flu he removed his intestines and stomach with a dull pocket knife, disinfected them in bleach, and then shoved them back inside--good as new.

When Agent Carr wants to change a lightbulb, he holds the new bulb in place and waits for the world to revolve around him in order to screw it in.

Agent Carr completes triathlons as a warm up for his real work out later that day.

Carr set the record time for swimming the English Channel (completing the swim entirely underwater as he held his breath).

One in a million chances tend to come up nine times out of ten.
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  #3  
Old February 17th, 2007, 04:03 PM
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Guerillinator Guerillinator is offline
 
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Couldn't resist a few more:

Agent Carr flosses with razor wire and cleans his ears with an icepick.

Agent Carr only needs one card to hit 21 in a game of Blackjack.

Agent Carr has plenty of skeletons in his closet--the decomposed bodies of all those who ever picked a fight with him.

Agent Carr can spell any word correctly without using a vowel.

Other than Agent Carr, there are two types of people in this world, those that Agent Carr lets live and those that he doesn't (well since the latter are all dead, there's only one type of person in this world).

One in a million chances tend to come up nine times out of ten.
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  #4  
Old February 17th, 2007, 04:38 PM
deadeyedan42 deadeyedan42 is offline
 
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Ne-gok-sa once tryed to mind shackle Agent carr and rolled a 20, ne-gok-sa now obeys every order from agent carr with out hesitation.

Agent Carr never has to roll for defence, he just yells at the dice untill the skulls on the dice turn to blanks.

Agent Carr once beat House [M.D.] at a game of wits and puns.


Agent Carr can square dance in a circle.

FINISH HIM!
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  #5  
Old February 17th, 2007, 06:04 PM
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Chimpy Chimpy is offline
 
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Chimpy knows what's in an order marker Chimpy knows what's in an order marker
Agent Carr never goes the extra mile. He is already there.

You might have heard of the recent nuclear tests in North Korea. Agent Carr calls that yawning.

Agent Carr can roll 8 defense. With 4 dice.

Agent Carr forced the Germans to surrender in WWI.

Agent Carr defeated Russia in WW3. All by himself.

Agent Carr had a hangnail. They call it the Sears Tower.

Agent Carr signed up for the show Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? They gave him the money when he walked onto the stage.

"Clay lies still, but blood's a rover; / Breath's a ware that will not keep.
Up, lad: when the journey's over / There'll be time enough to sleep!"
~"Reveille", A.E. Housman
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  #6  
Old February 17th, 2007, 06:59 PM
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brickman1444 brickman1444 is offline
 
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these sound like a lot of them are talking about chuck norris.

Agent carr didn't want to grow a ponytail so he yelled at a cat until it's tail doubled in length and then cut it off. This caused two things. Carr had a ponytail and manx cats were born.

Agent Carr decided to start time because of his busy schedule.

6 x 9 = 42

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  #7  
Old February 17th, 2007, 07:27 PM
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Hex_Enduction_Hour Hex_Enduction_Hour is offline
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Hex_Enduction_Hour wears ripped pants of awesomeness Hex_Enduction_Hour wears ripped pants of awesomeness Hex_Enduction_Hour wears ripped pants of awesomeness Hex_Enduction_Hour wears ripped pants of awesomeness Hex_Enduction_Hour wears ripped pants of awesomeness Hex_Enduction_Hour wears ripped pants of awesomeness
Quote:
Originally Posted by Guerillinator
When Agent Carr once had the stomach flu he removed his intestines and stomach with a dull pocket knife, disinfected them in bleach, and then shoved them back inside--good as new.

When Agent Carr wants to change a lightbulb, he holds the new bulb in place and waits for the world to revolve around him in order to screw it in.

Agent Carr completes triathlons as a warm up for his real work out later that day.

Carr set the record time for swimming the English Channel (completing the swim entirely underwater as he held his breath).
Quote:
Originally Posted by Guerillinator
Couldn't resist a few more:

Agent Carr flosses with razor wire and cleans his ears with an icepick.

Agent Carr only needs one card to hit 21 in a game of Blackjack.

Agent Carr has plenty of skeletons in his closet--the decomposed bodies of all those who ever picked a fight with him.


Agent Carr can spell any word correctly without using a vowel.

Other than Agent Carr, there are two types of people in this world, those that Agent Carr lets live and those that he doesn't (well since the latter are all dead, there's only one type of person in this world).
LOL.

Oh, my side!
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  #8  
Old February 17th, 2007, 08:30 PM
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Chimpy Chimpy is offline
 
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Chimpy knows what's in an order marker Chimpy knows what's in an order marker
Every day is Gen'Con for Agent Carr.

"Clay lies still, but blood's a rover; / Breath's a ware that will not keep.
Up, lad: when the journey's over / There'll be time enough to sleep!"
~"Reveille", A.E. Housman
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  #9  
Old February 17th, 2007, 08:44 PM
deadeyedan42 deadeyedan42 is offline
 
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agent Carr has wave 345,763

if you draft agent Carr in heroscape you win.....FOREVER.

FINISH HIM!
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  #10  
Old February 18th, 2007, 12:02 AM
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ninthdoc ninthdoc is offline
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ninthdoc rolls all skulls baby! ninthdoc rolls all skulls baby! ninthdoc rolls all skulls baby! ninthdoc rolls all skulls baby! ninthdoc rolls all skulls baby! ninthdoc rolls all skulls baby!
When a Nakita Agent is adjacent to Agent Carr and rolls for Smoke Powder, it's not for Agent Carr's protection. He does not need any protection from her, she just wants to make out with him. Incidentally, if the other Nakita Agents see this, they get mad, run across the board and have a cat fight with the Nakita Agent that is adjacent to Agent Carr. The enemy units stop attacking to watch the cat fight and Agent Carr takes them all out. Then Agent Carr tell the Nakitas that they never have to worry about that pesky Thorian Speed with him and they fall all over him.

Agent's Carr is Shaft's illegitimate son.

I've always been crazy, but it's kept me from going insane.
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  #11  
Old February 18th, 2007, 12:31 AM
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Hex_Enduction_Hour Hex_Enduction_Hour is offline
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Hex_Enduction_Hour wears ripped pants of awesomeness Hex_Enduction_Hour wears ripped pants of awesomeness Hex_Enduction_Hour wears ripped pants of awesomeness Hex_Enduction_Hour wears ripped pants of awesomeness Hex_Enduction_Hour wears ripped pants of awesomeness Hex_Enduction_Hour wears ripped pants of awesomeness
Quote:
If Agent Carr wants your opinion, he'll beat it into you.
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  #12  
Old February 18th, 2007, 12:34 AM
Venom Venom is offline
 
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agent carr is my shadow

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