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  #49  
Old February 26th, 2019, 09:05 PM
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Re: Horizon in Sight: Dan's Tale

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I may or may not be behind again. Sor. Although chapter spoilers indicating Valhallan things have certainly spurred my interest. I wasn't sure if this story was gonna make it to Valhalla or not, a la Heart of Vengeance.

~TAF, busy today but will try to get on it
I've promised Valhalla and failed to deliver too often (Heart, Dilmir). I figured I had one last shot, and had better make it happen.



~TGRF.

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  #50  
Old March 1st, 2019, 01:56 PM
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Re: Horizon in Sight: Dan's Tale

Chapters 25-27 are now live. Here is Chapter Twenty-Five - Recruits, and the others are in the drop down.



Also, I've just put all of the additional content at the top of the drop down menu, since there's no simple way to nest drop downs. You should find 'Dan's Cell' and 'The SR Unit' there. You should also find the newest addition, a map of Dan's corner of Valhalla.



~TGRF.

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  #51  
Old March 12th, 2019, 11:08 PM
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Re: Horizon in Sight: Dan's Tale

So....



~TGRF.

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  #52  
Old March 13th, 2019, 02:47 AM
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Re: Horizon in Sight: Dan's Tale

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Originally Posted by The Grim Reaper's Friend View Post
So....



~TGRF.
I am finally caught up, but I just don't have much to say other than I'm glad to be in Valhalla.

Judging from the current pacing (at least compared to what I'm used to) and the map provided, this looks like it's going to be a huge story. We're 27 chapters in and it feels like we're just getting started.

~TAF, who really needs to get back to writing his own big projects

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  #53  
Old March 13th, 2019, 12:02 PM
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Re: Horizon in Sight: Dan's Tale

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So....



~TGRF.
I am finally caught up, but I just don't have much to say other than I'm glad to be in Valhalla.

Judging from the current pacing (at least compared to what I'm used to) and the map provided, this looks like it's going to be a huge story. We're 27 chapters in and it feels like we're just getting started.

~TAF, who really needs to get back to writing his own big projects
I went ahead and posted the rest of part two, all the way up to Chapter 33 - Backfire. It begins with Chapter Twenty-Eight - Training, and the following chapters can be found both on the side bar and in the drop down.



Is there anything you DON'T like so far? Any part(s) you think could have been done better? I know there are some parts in HiS which I would have redone if I were to write the whole thing again; I'm curious how obvious they are to the reader.



~TGRF.

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  #54  
Old March 13th, 2019, 06:07 PM
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Re: Horizon in Sight: Dan's Tale

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Originally Posted by The Grim Reaper's Friend
Is there anything you DON'T like so far? Any part(s) you think could have been done better? I know there are some parts in HiS which I would have redone if I were to write the whole thing again; I'm curious how obvious they are to the reader.
My only major criticism is that Dan takes a really long time to figure things out, be it years to figure out his arms or days to figure out whether he's in SR or not. I as the reader feel like I'm always waiting for him to catch up, when you typically want the audience and POV character to be on the same page. It should be noted that this is a subjective criticism though since different readers will have differing--and mostly all valid--opinions on this topic depending how fast or slow they themselves are. Also I assume Dan is supposed to be dumb given his limited upbringing.

This does however lead to one of my major compliments of this story. My #1 goal when writing The Moon Has Wings was to employ free indirect speech--that is to have the 3rd person narrative sort of change and meld with whoever was the POV character at the time, to reflect their worldview. While not directly doing this exactly, HiS so far makes great use of the 3rd person to reflect Dan's personality and reasoning for everything he does (truly exposing the horrible lie that 1st person is superior to 3rd). Even though Dan is dumb, he is always relatable and understandable because of the way the story is written. I may ask "how" every now and again, but I've never once asked "why"? I've found myself questioning much smarter characters in the past because the story doesn't take the time to explain them to me, or worse yet tries to sneak it under the radar for the sense of the drama. Because this story takes its time exploring that, the drama is excellent when it might not otherwise be for any other writer.

(Exhale.)

My only nitpick criticism is the use of the word "English" referring to a Mariedian's language raises some questions. Usually one sneaks by this problem when it's brought up by referring to it as the Common tongue, using some sort of translation device or magic.

~TAF, wait was that a reverse compliment sandwich? Er, sorry about that...

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  #55  
Old March 13th, 2019, 08:16 PM
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Re: Horizon in Sight: Dan's Tale

Quote:
Originally Posted by TheAverageFan View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by The Grim Reaper's Friend
Is there anything you DON'T like so far? Any part(s) you think could have been done better? I know there are some parts in HiS which I would have redone if I were to write the whole thing again; I'm curious how obvious they are to the reader.
My only major criticism is that Dan takes a really long time to figure things out, be it years to figure out his arms or days to figure out whether he's in SR or not. I as the reader feel like I'm always waiting for him to catch up, when you typically want the audience and POV character to be on the same page. It should be noted that this is a subjective criticism though since different readers will have differing--and mostly all valid--opinions on this topic depending how fast or slow they themselves are. Also I assume Dan is supposed to be dumb given his limited upbringing.
I'm obviously at a disadvantage with fan fiction, since we know perfectly well he's on Valhalla, so there isn't much I could have done there (short of skipping the whole transition - something I didn't want to do this time around).

With the gloves though... Bigga picked up on that gap too. There is a logical explanation, but it does leave something to be desired. However, I think Dan and the reader learning what his gloves can do at the same time has got to help some. If the reader knew but Dan didn't, then there would be a problem.

Unless you're talking about the repulsing ability they have (I was talking about them pushing through the Barrier above). If that's the case, then I think it might be fine if you haven't read the Quest first. If you aren't expecting it, the reader reaction should be basically the same as Dan's, right?
Quote:
Originally Posted by TAF
This does however lead to one of my major compliments of this story. My #1 goal when writing The Moon Has Wings was to employ free indirect speech--that is to have the 3rd person narrative sort of change and meld with whoever was the POV character at the time, to reflect their worldview. While not directly doing this exactly, HiS so far makes great use of the 3rd person to reflect Dan's personality and reasoning for everything he does (truly exposing the horrible lie that 1st person is superior to 3rd). Even though Dan is dumb, he is always relatable and understandable because of the way the story is written. I may ask "how" every now and again, but I've never once asked "why"? I've found myself questioning much smarter characters in the past because the story doesn't take the time to explain them to me, or worse yet tries to sneak it under the radar for the sense of the drama. Because this story takes its time exploring that, the drama is excellent when it might not otherwise be for any other writer.
And my record of working on one aspect of writing and completely nailing one I didn't know existed instead holds true. Yes! I think Bigga noted this a few times too when he read it; instances where I kept Dan's limited knowledge as the medium of narration rather than explaining what was actually going on. That can of course cause the problem you noted above, but it is an interesting concept to look into further.
Quote:
Originally Posted by TAF
(Exhale.)

My only nitpick criticism is the use of the word "English" referring to a Mariedian's language raises some questions. Usually one sneaks by this problem when it's brought up by referring to it as the Common tongue, using some sort of translation device or magic.

~TAF, wait was that a reverse compliment sandwich? Er, sorry about that...
Dan actually is speaking English. He has all his life.

Let the theory-crafting commence!

~TGRF, thanks for the breakdown; this is the kind of feedback I need!

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  #56  
Old March 14th, 2019, 03:14 PM
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Re: Horizon in Sight: Dan's Tale

Let part three commence with Chapter Thirty-Four - Gideon. Now things will start happening.



~TGRF.

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  #57  
Old March 18th, 2019, 04:05 PM
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Re: Horizon in Sight: Dan's Tale

I have returned from a great and decisive battle with the plague, and am ready to recommence posting.



As I will be moving during some of April and all of May, I'm probably just going to schedule the whole fan fiction so that it keeps posting a chapter a day while I'm down. The menu won't get updated, but you'll be able to see the recent posts on the side. We'll see.



Until then, let us continue with Chapter Thirty-Five-Hyleran! Time for that map to start coming into play. No, I was not about to make Dan walk the whole way there.



~TGRF.

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  #58  
Old March 26th, 2019, 01:44 PM
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Re: Horizon in Sight: Dan's Tale

I realize I have very little right to keep asking for reader input. For one thing, that's not how fiction works. Usually the whole thing is posted in one go, and then thoughts are discussed afterwards. I'm not doing that here because posting a monstrosity tends to mean it never gets read.

However, since I AM posting it chapter by chapter, and because once I finish a fan fiction, my mind immediately goes to other things, I need something to remind me to keep posting chapters. Otherwise we have the current situation. And then of course when no one says anything, I despair that it doesn't matter anyway, and don't continue.

That's why I keep asking for reader input, even if it's just to say there's still someone reading. I'd obviously prefer in depth breakdowns, but I realize not everyone is down for that, and it's virtually impossible on a per chapter basis anyway.

All that being said, I'm going to try to keep going. Reader input is appreciated.

Chapter Thirty-Six - Plan is now live. As the full plan of how to steal Valkrill's amulet is laid bare, Dan senses there are already rifts and doubts within the group. Will the mission fail before it even begins?

~TGRF.

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  #59  
Old March 28th, 2019, 01:52 PM
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Re: Horizon in Sight: Dan's Tale

Chapter Thirty-Seven - Takuya Imai is now live!

I had a lot of fun writing Takuya, even though he doesn't appear much in HiS. I'm not sure what about him was so fun to write... just the way he is I guess.

Also, I'd like to thank @BiggaBullfrog for his help with the Japanese. In addition to being an excellent proofreader, Bigga just happened to know Japanese, and I just happened to need some in my tale.

~TGRF.

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  #60  
Old March 28th, 2019, 07:06 PM
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Re: Horizon in Sight: Dan's Tale

I always fear fluent readers when using other languages, as I often resort to Google Translate.

~TAF

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