24 Days of Christmas w/ TheAverageFan

[Marro_Warlord]

Originally Posted by TheAverageFan

Chris-cringlin’, yo. Nothing like Christmas to get you in that December mood, kids. Sitting here by the fake fire, listening to the rain as I half-write-half-watch-television (one draft, no edits), it all really brings me back to the very first Christmas. Why, I’ll bet none of you have ever heard the real story of Christmas… ever!

Well, too bad if you ain’t heard it cause we’re talking the very first Heroscape Christmas. Yes—believe it or not—I, TheAverageFan, first got into Heroscape because I got it as a Christmas gift. Yeah, thanks a lot! Cost you 30 bucks, eh? Well, it ended up costing me 800 DOLLARS! How about I tell you the story of our very first Heroscape Christmas here at the Fan household? I wrote a book about it and it’s lying around here somewhere… Ah, here it is.

Day 3: The Very First Christmas*
*Except Not At All

Spoiler Alert!

Ahem, anyhow. You see, I never even wanted Heroscape… my brother did. For you newcomers Heroscape is old and decrepit but back it the day it was brand new. Hasbro making some sort of stack ‘em whack ‘em board game featuring Vic the Viking, Angela the Angel, and a robot? Sign me up, coach! Actually, no. It looked stupid to me; the advertising wasn’t particularly effective and I weren’t no board game geek. I hate those guys! Erm, I mean… they’re cool…

Well, I had no idea why my bro wanted it. He seemed randomly into the concept for some reason. Neither of us weren’t no board game geeks. We hated those guys.

“Why are you getting this Heroscape crap, ????” I always asked, “It looks all weird, and you aren’t no board game geek. I thought you hated those guys.”

“Oh, lighten up, The.” ??? always said (they call me “The” around the house because “TheAverageFan” takes too long to say), “It looks like it could be fun.”

Anyhow, the days rolled on by like cats until finally the big hand smacked the twelve on the 24th. We ate lunch and then went about our day as usual. But come the second twelve later that night, dear ol’ Santa paid us a visit packing some Heroscape: Rise of the Valkyrie back when anyone could afford that crap. Waking up on Christmas day, ??? and I opened it up and lo and behold—Heroscape, pre wave-1. Now that’s going back. I can still smell the fresh plastic now. It smells manufactured and slightly hazardous. It’s probably because I just opened all these Barbie Doll boxes… er, for my relatives! Yeah, got ‘em for my little girl relatives… stupid things… ‘Tis the season, you know what I’m sayin’? Ahem! Anyway, back to the Heroscape…

*Smokes pipe* You see, folks… back in those days you had no idea what you were getting yourself into. ??? had just asked for this on a whim; we didn’t know nothing. You didn’t even know who was what and what did where. What is this, some kind of Viking? A dragon with no wings? Oh, wait here they are. Got some ruins here… Here’s the instructions. Looking through all that stuff… why, we were like two kids on Christmas morning.

So I cobbled together a stage from the instruction book and got ready to play my first game of Heroscape. Back when you only had the one Master Set your Heroscape board could fit anywhere around the house—imagine that! It was the Basic Game, of course. Pitched against my old man… oh, I bet you thought it’d be against ???. Yeah, here’s the real kicker—he didn’t want to play the game. He was playing some video game or some nonsense. I told you it was on a whim; oh the irony. Truth of the matter is, he never did play a whole bunch of Heroscape, really. He did get into it for a while, but he stopped playing. So basically the guy who got us the game in the first place didn’t end up playing it, and the rest of us were the ones who got hooked. Funny how things turn out… I suppose I ought to thank him. They say the Lord has a sense of humor. Tell me about it—have you guys seen Dund? What even? Anyway, on with the story.

So the Battle of all Time commenced, well more like the Battle of the Five Minutes. It basically quickly boiled down to my pa’s Tarn Vikings against good ol’ Ne-Gok-Sa. See, even back then it was still “good ol’” Ne-Gok-Sa. See, it was right then and there that the Marro Warlord would become my personal favorite Heroscape figure, even before the Mindshackling started. He’s just too good to pass up for 90 points. But I suppose he’s free in the Basic Game (the booklet just tells you who you’ve got). And so, Ne-Gok-Sa has been my favorite ever since. Who’s yours (it’s Cyprien, isn’t it)? Anyway, on a tiny 7-hex sand tile crammed between the war-ridden ruin and the carpet, Ne-Gok-Sa stood alone against 3 or 4 Tarn Vikings. These barbarians would soon learn that this weird alien thing was not to be crossed.

And seriously, kiddies, why are the Vikings Jandarian? Vikings are evil! They invade and pillage and maim and rape stuff. Are these Vikings different? Are they good Vikings? Can they undo what all the other Vikings did? Ne-Gok-Sa never pillaged or raped anything—he’s super good. So who’s the real villain here? I don’t trust that Jandar guy—he’d have probably summoned some Nazis if we had made it to wave 12 or something, I’d bet.

But I digress. The first of the Vikings rushed forward, swinging his mighty sword with a fervor matched only by the other 2 or 3 Vikings. Despite his debatably noble efforts, however, Ne-Gok-Sa parried the blow with ease and struck back. His sickly blade pierced the Tarn’s shield and shattered it like my hopes and dreams. The Viking collapsed, dying instantly from the attack because squads can never just be wounded. Ne-Gok-Sa chortled, showing the fallen Viking’s comrades a gleeful grin as he beckoned them over.

The death of the first not dampening their spirits, the remaining Tarns rushed forth, surrounding the Marro Warlord and attacking all at once. Dancing back and forth in a flurry of steel, Ne-Gok-Sa blocked one blow after another, simply waiting for the opportune moment to strike. It came when some attack dice accidently knocked one of the Vikings over, the Utgar Champion focusing his attention onto the other and striking him down whilst the fallen Tarn struggled back to his feet.

Not giving him any chances, Ne-Gok-Sa lunged forth and stabbed at the barbarian. Unfortunately the Tarn blocked the blow, retaliating with rage. His rusty blade sunk into the Marro’s shoulder, only to snap against his flesh. Ne-Gok-Sa gave the sword an unconcerned glance before turning back to the horrified Viking and cruelly smiling.

“7 defense, baby.” With that, he thrust his blade into the Tarn and kicked him back against the ruin, the Viking slowly slumping down. Ne-Gok-Sa tossed his head back in laughter, “Ha ha ha ha!”

…And I guess there were only 3 Vikings after all…

*closes book* …And that’s how my very first game of Heroscape went. My old man went on to lose many games after that to my precious Warlord, until he found the Krav Maga Agents, soon followed by his 4861 game winning-streak. But that whole story’s a curse word vocab lesson for another time. We would go on playing the Master Set for quite a while, me, ???, and dad. We divided the units up amongst ourselves—I was quick to swipe the Marro—and before we even knew what we had the other waves were on the way. But no matter how much Heroscape we had, I’ll always remember that day with a fond memory… that Christmas morning. Or was it ???’s birthday? No, I think it was Christmas. Pretty sure.

So what’d we learn today, folks? Absolutely nothing? Well, you didn’t honestly think this one would be better than the Q9 review, did you? At least this story’s actually Christmas-themed! I don’t see you guys doing anything better! What’re you gonna do about it? Come at me, bro!

Ahem… anyways. I do hope you’ll join me next time as we continue our merry little romp through the world of the 12 Days of Christmas, starring me. I’ll see you all tomorrow, or whenever you comment next… I’ll be on the site… constantly… It’s so lonely in here.

~TAF

How MW got his Heroscape:
A couple years ago, I wanted to buy the game. But, I didn't have enough money to. Then, years later, I rediscovered it and bought me some 'Scape from Ebay. And the first master set. Good times, where everyone ignored Raelin as a pick and just picked DW9K. Because of that, he's really special.

And you learned... NOTHING! Like usual!

[TheAverageFan]

(so that's why he's DW9000 in the Tower of Agony--it's all so clear to me now)

[Marro_Warlord]

Originally Posted by TheAverageFan

(so that's why he's DW9000 in the Tower of Agony--it's all so clear to me now)

Which is why when there's a preference to something (Not a Heroscape Game, silly! ) that involves a unique hero, I tend to choose DW9K. Even though I don't draft him much anymore, he is really special to me.

[TGRF]

These just keep getting better. If you manage to do all twelve of these things like that and keep it original I'll... I'll... well, I don't know what I'll do. Probably just sit at my computer and type something else. It'll be something, anyway.
~TGRF.

[Marro_Warlord]

This is even better then The Joke Thread! Heroscape Gameshow next?

[TheAverageFan]

How would that even work??

~TAF, more to come. Ho ho ho.

[TGRF]

Originally Posted by TheAverageFan

How would that even work??

~TAF, more to come. Ho ho ho.

Probably like this.
~TGRF.

[TheAverageFan]

Wreck the Halls, everybody! I'm TheAverageFan, here with Day 4 of Christmas Joy here in by big ol' sack of imagination. What!? It's only been 4 days!? How am I supposed to do this for 8 more days! I was out of ideas yesterday!!! Why'd I agree to do this!?!?!?

Ahem... Anyway, sorry I'm late, kiddies. I slept in until 4 again and when my mom finally threw some cold water on me I... uh... er... I've been busy making lots of good presents for you folks! I've got something real special planned... for tomorrow! Today you get a Christmas Poem I made ten minutes ago with absolutely no regard to syllabic writing! Ho ho ho. Here ya are, kids.

Day 4: TheAverageFan's Christmas Poem

Spoiler Alert!

A Christmas Poem by TheAverageFan

Today I weave some words made from Rhyme,
And though Poems are not a favorite of Mine,
This Christmas season is so Sublime,
That I figured it ‘twas about the Time,
For it would be a horrendous Crime,
To hold back with the vigil of a Mime,
Better to do it whilst in my Prime.
Because any other day would be Nein!

Christmas is the best—it’s simply Great,
I see no reason for all the Hate,
You have new Holiday Plates,
And don’t have to see your Classmates,
You need not worry about being Late,
“The Roads were terrible, Boss—it was Fate”
And for this and more, I Rate,
The 25th, as the most important Date.
And it’s almost here; I cannot Wait!

Unless you’re in the Workforce and don’t get off—then it can Suck.
But at least you can read some of my stuff—so you’re in Luck!

And now for the Throwaways, up to Bat;
Cat, Hat, Mat, Drat, Brat, Fat, Cat, Splat, Rat.

And who could resist some Heroscape this time of Year?
Whilst the busy and cold make outside so Drear
I’ll be dicing and downing some Beer,
I don’t drink Beer, but it nevertheless Rhymes,
What!? It’s not like I’ve committed any Crimes!
(yeah, I already did those…)

It’s the perfect pastime, I do Declare,
Regardless of any Wear or Tear,
Though it is expensive, to be Fair,
But tis worth it, so without a Care
I’d still sooner lose my Hair,
I’d still sooner fight a Bear,
I’d still sooner accept any Dare
Than to lose my ‘Scape; I would Despair,

Which is really sad, come to think of It.
I’m kind of materialistic… just a Bit.

And thus I end my poem; Hooray.
It was far from the best, least to Say,
But it’ll suffice; be it what May,
And if it might have made you Grey,
You may comment it so; but Hey,
It was only written in a Day.

What; I got nothin'... Here's a bird:



~TAF, see you tomorrow

[TGRF]

You wrote that in ten minutes? You could put Tornado out of business... (Well, sort of...)
~TGRF.

[TheAverageFan]

Well Ten minutes* give or take...

~TAF

[Marro_Warlord]

Originally Posted by TheAverageFan

Well Ten minutes* give or take...

~TAF

... A couple hours...

[TheAverageFan]

Jingle Balls, everybody! It's that time of day again, time for another part of TheAverageFan's 12 Days of Christmas!! Ho ho ho. What a funny story.

Say, kiddies. Do any of you remember the song The 12 Days of Christmas? More like the 12 Years of Christmas!! Well, if you don't, then this whole Thread is probably confusing to you--get outta here! For the rest of you good boys and girls, I always wondered what was up with the 5th Day of Christmas.

Why'd they always sing "Five Golden Rings" with such fervor!? They sound like the 3rd Reich! I know Golden Rings are a big plus, but why 5!? 5's a Phony Number! It's a terrible Zombie Map, and every fake number on TV starts with "555"! And you ain't never seen a Pentagon Board Game, have ya!? There's a good reason Heroscape is all hexes. Hexes is where it's at. Hexes are Hexy.

Well, whatever the reason, I suppose it warrants a Special Story for the 5th Day of TAF's Christmas. It's "How Taelord Stole Christmas" by TheAverageFan, a rendition of "The Grinch" that would have even the most hardcore fans of that new "Lorax" movie eating their socks. I don't know if anyone else on the site has done such work, but I'm desperate so I don't care.

Day 5: How Taelord Stole Christmas

Spoiler Alert!

How Taelord Stole Christmas
by Dr. Suess
butchered by TheAverageFan

Every Hero Down in Heroville Liked Christmas a lot...
But Taelord, Who lived just north of Heroville, Did Not!
Taelord hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be his wings weren't screwed on just right.
It could be, perhaps, that his boots were too tight.
But I think the explanation most people dig,
Was that his point value was two sizes too big.
Whatever the reason, His points or his wings,
He stood there on Christmas Eve, hating the whole thing,
Staring down from his cave with a sour, Taelord frown,
At the warm lighted windows below in their town.
For he knew every Hero down in Heroville beneath,
Was busy now, hanging a hexagon wreath.
"And they're hanging their stockings!" he snarled with a sneer,
"Tomorrow is Christmas! It's practically here!"
Then he growled, with his Taelord fingers nervously drumming,
"I Must find some way to stop Christmas from coming!"
For Tomorrow, he knew, all the Hero girls and boys,
Would wake bright and early. They'd rush for their toys!
And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the Noise!
Noise! Noise! Noise!
That's one thing he hated! The Noise!
NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!
Then the Heroes, young and old, would sit down to a feast.
And they'd feast! And they'd feast! And they'd Feast!
FEAST! FEAST! FEAST!
They would feast on Mar-pudding, and Wyvern-roast beast.
Which was something Taelord couldn't stand in the least!
Then the Heroes would gather up and play,
They’d play Heroscape for hours, all Day!
Nobody ever drafted old Taelord, for whatever reason,
And this above all was the worst thing about the season!
And they’d Scape! And they’d Scape! And they’d Scape!
SCAPE! SCAPE! SCAPE!
And Then They'd do something He liked least of all!
Every Hero down in Heroville, the Huge and the Small,
Would stand close together, with Christmas bells ringing.
They'd stand hand-in-hand. And the Heroes would start singing!
They'd sing! And they'd sing! And they'd Sing!
SING! SING! SING!
And the more Taelord thought of this Hero Christmas Sing,
The more Taelord thought, "I must stop this whole thing!"
"Why, for six long years I've put up with it now!"
"I Must stop this Christmas from coming! But How?"
Then he got an idea! An awful idea!
Taelord Got a Wonderful, Awful Idea!
"I know just what to do!" Taelord laughed in his throat.
And he made a quick Santy Claus hat and a coat.
And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great Taelord trick!"
"With this coat and this hat, I look just like Saint Nick!"
"All I need is a reindeer..." Taelord looked around.
But, since reindeer are scarce, there was none to be found.
Did that stop the old Taelord? No! Taelord simply said,
"If I can't find a reindeer, I'll make one instead!"
So he called his doggin, Dund. Then he took some red thread,
And he tied a big horn on the top of his head.
Then He loaded some bags from his old sacky-sack Fund,
Onto a ramshackle sleigh And he hitched up old Dund.
Then Taelord said, "Giddap!" And the sleigh started down,
Toward the homes where the Heroes Lay asnooze in their town.
All their windows were dark. Quiet snow filled the air.
All the Heroes were all dreaming sweet dreams without care.
When he came to the first little house on the square.
"This is stop number one," the old Taelord Claus hissed,
And he flew to the Overhang, empty bags in his fist.
Then he slid down the chimney. A rather tight pinch.
But, if Santa did it, for Taelord it was a cinch.
He got stuck only once, for a moment or two.
Then he stuck his head out of the fireplace flue.
Where the little Hero stockings all hung in a row.
"These stockings," he grinned, "are the first things to go!"
Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant,
Around the whole room, and he took every present!
Dice Towers! Flagbearers! Shiny Water! Brand new Ice!
Exclusives! Army Cards! Glyphs! Even Valkyrie Dice!
And he stuffed them in bags. Then Taelord, very nimbly,
Stuffed all the bags, one by one, up the chimney!
Then he slunk to the glacier. He took the Heroes' feast!
He took the Mar-pudding! He took the Wyvern beast!
He cleaned out that glacier as quick as a flash.
Why, that Taelord even took their last can of Hero-hash!
Then he stuffed all the food up the chimney with glee.
"And Now!" grinned Taelord, "I will stuff up the tree!"
Taelord grabbed it, and started to shove the Evergreen,
When he heard a small sound like the coo of a Kyrie.
He turned around fast, and he saw a small Hero right then!
Little Otonashi-Shinobi, who was not more than Ten (points).
Taelord had been caught by this cheap Hero daughter,
Who'd come from the shadows for a cup of cold water.
She stared at Taelord and said, "Santa Claus, why,”
"Why are you taking our Christmas tree? Why?"
But, you know, that old Taelord was so smart and so slick,
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!
"Why, my sweet little tot," the fake Santa Claus lied,
"There's some paint on this tree that is scratched on one side."
"So I'm taking it home to my workshop, my dear."
"I'll fix it up there. Then I'll bring it back here."
And his fib fooled the ninja. Then he patted her head,
And he got her a drink and he sent her to bed.
And when Otonashi went to bed with her cup,
He went to the chimney and stuffed the tree up!
Then the last thing he took Was the log for their fire!
Then he went up the chimney, himself, the old liar.
On their walls he left nothing but hooks and some wire.
The one speck of food He left in the house by the mirror,
Was a crumb there that was even too small for a Reaver.
He did the same To the other Heroes’ no matter their stats,
Leaving crumbs too small For the other Heroes' rats!
It was quarter past dawn... All the Heroes, still a-bed,
All the Units still Sleeping When he packed up his sled,
Packed it up with their presents! The ribbons! The wrappings!
The tags! And the tinsel! The trimmings! The trappings!
Three thousand feet up! Up the side of Kyrien Mountain,
He rode with his load to to dump it, as was his Bounden.
"PoohPooh to the Heroes!" he was Taelordishly humming.
"They're finding out now that no Christmas is coming!"
"They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!"
"Their mouths will hang open for a turn or two,
Then the Heroes down in Heroville will all cry BooHoo!"
"That's a noise," grinned Taelord, "That I simply Must hear!"
So he paused. And Taelord put his hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound rising over the snow.
It started in low. Then it started to grow.
But the sound wasn't sad! Why, this sound sounded merry!
It couldn't be so! But it Was merry! Very!
He stared down at Heroville! Taelord popped his eyes!
Then he shook! What he saw was a shocking surprise!
Every Hero down in Heroville, the Huge and the Small,
Was singing! Without any presents at all!
He Hadn’t stopped Christmas from coming! It Came!
Somehow or other, it came just the same!
And Taelord with his Kyrie-base ice-cold on the snow,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?"
"It came without ribbons! It came without tags!"
"It came without packages, boxes or bags!"
And he puzzled three rounds, till his puzzler was sore.
Then Taelord thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe Christmas," he thought, "doesn't come from a store."
"Maybe Christmas...perhaps...means a little bit more!"
And what happened then? Well...in Heroville they say,
That Taelord’s points shrunk three sizes that day!
And the minute his cost didn't feel like such a blight,
He whizzed with his load through the bright morning light,
And he brought back the toys! And the food for the feast!
And he, He Himself! Taelord carved the Wyvern beast!

So, you see kids, even the worst hero has a place on Christmas day. The holidays are a special time of year to give to the ones who need it most. So this year play yer worst figs: Taelord can be good when used in the right context. He's a good castle-defend with some Omicron friends. He makes a fine foe in a D&D scenario. And he's the best I've got, to proxy for my new Morgoloth.

~TAF, with more to come