Drunkenly Reviewing Every Low-Rated & Unranked Fiction here

[Elven Lord]

Bahahaha. That review of Soul of Calradia. I am EL, the infamous fan fic starter non-finisher. There should be an award for that, or possibly a severe bought of disciplining involving mackerel liberally applied to the face.

When I first saw the title it seemed strange to see my name next to it because, frankly, I couldn't remember ever writing this thing. But as I read through the glossary it hit me. Ah, that was fun while it lasted. TGRF even offered me some great pointers on how to build a...what did he call it? Plot, that was the one.

Thanks for the review and the rating. But the real winner of this whole forum is you my guy. This whole thread gets a 12/10.

EDIT: Also Orc's Blade is my younger brother. We were both playing MTG Innistrad at the same time, hence the two Innistrad based FanFics.

[TheAverageFan]

Originally Posted by Tornado

Woah. Awesome.
Eslo Rudkey is a character created by a friend of mine. His name is my friend's name but the letters are scrambled. More of his backstory is in the stories he wrote.
He is originally from Michigan Territory but gets transported to the world of HoD which is the setting for our RPG, then goes to Valhalla.
The Kisserflee (my friend created that) story is sort of a rewrite of a Conan story, The Frost Giants Daughter.
The Sprague story was originally written by my friend and was just Eslo at the bar but I rewrote it into a Sprague story and probably doubled the length or so. There are parts where it goes back and forth between our writings. That is my favorite one.
The barbarian story is a write-up of an RPG game in our system where I was Eslo, my friend was the GM and the other players were the barbarians.
The necromancer story was an original by me trying to give a little glimpse into the world of our RPG. I really dig that one and how it shows how necromancy is starting to be accepted.

I am terrible with tense and struggle with dialogue. I appreciate the praise. I am definitely a minimalist on words and tend to work in flairs of poetry into my writing.

I think you did a good job, especially with the dialogue of the Sprague story. I've recently had trouble with getting in tons of information through tons of dialogue (with very lengthy scenes as a result), so seeing the amount you could cram into so short a space was worth studying.

Originally Posted by Elven Lord

Bahahaha. That review of Soul of Calradia. I am EL, the infamous fan fic starter non-finisher. There should be an award for that, or possibly a severe bought of disciplining involving mackerel liberally applied to the face.

When I first saw the title it seemed strange to see my name next to it because, frankly, I couldn't remember ever writing this thing. But as I read through the glossary it hit me. Ah, that was fun while it lasted. TGRF even offered me some great pointers on how to build a...what did he call it? Plot, that was the one.

It was a good read while it lasted. If you can recall any of what you might've had planned for it, I'd be interested to hear where it was meant to go in those last two unfinished chapters.

~TAF

[Elven Lord]

I have no idea

EDIT: the New Fanfic Kaia: Vendetta is loosely based on the same world soul of calradia was. Albeit with a lot less magic and monsters.

[Knight of Scape]

Thanks so much for the review, TAF! That was a fun trip down memory lane. Unfortunately, I also have no idea where the story was supposed to go. I actually managed to find my old Google doc where I was drafting the story, but the only unreleased content it has is the first couple sentences of the never finished chapter 20

Chapter 20: Bri-Ma and We-Jo

Bri-Ma, the divider, was a small, stealthy, and smart marro, with a talent for disappearing into the background and hearing things he should not.

We-Jo was the smallest of all Grek-Nor’s band, and the most compassionate.

Apparently this was before I had the habit of sticking my ideas for future chapters at the end of my draft. I suspect that 14-year old me also didn't know how to resolve all the different plots he'd set up. I have a habit of biting off way more than I can chew storytelling wise.

I think that the plan was to cover Grek-Nor's takeover of Hive 247 and then eventually build to a dramatic confrontation between Grek-Nor and Ne-Gok-Sa. I'm not sure exactly how that was supposed to end. Maybe Ne-Gok-Sa gets summoned to Valhalla right before he would have been killed by Grek-Nor's forces?

As far as the connection to the vipers goes, I know that the story was inspired by my RPs in my first two CoNs, Maple and Garnet, and was supposed to be compliant with their canon. Garnet in particular has a bunch of flashbacks describing how the Venoc Warlord started out of one of Re-Nar-Sa's experiments, and I'm pretty sure the plan was to eventually describe all these scenes in All Slaves are Equal. (and yes, the fonts are terribly inconsistent)

Originally Posted by Knight of Scape

He had awakened from a deep slumber to find that he was captured, surrounded by marro, led by the infamous Re-Nar-Sa, a marro warlord. In a rage, Vlendak broke his bonds, and began to slaughter the marro. In a fearsome fury he killed five of them in his path to escape. Then he hesitated. He could run now, and leave the other marro. But he was angry, and he kept on killing. Before long he had killed all of them save Re-Nar-Sa, who was groveling for mercy before him. Again he hesitated. Here was another intelligent lifeform, begging him for it's life. If their positions were reversed the marro wouldn't hesitate to kill him. But that didn't mean he should be like them. If he killed this marro, he'd be showing that he wasn't really any better than those he was fighting. Thoughts ran through his head in that moment that seemed like an eternity. Then, in one powerful stroke, he detached Re-Nar-Sa's head from his body, killing him. And that moment, a part of the warlord died, as a new part began to take control. After observing the marro he had learned much. And not all of it was good. He had learned to kill without mercy, along with battle tactics, to put him self first, as well as leading an army. So Vlendak began to build an army. To make sure he commanded respect he gave himself a new name, the Venoc Warlord. He wanted to seem impersonal, authoritative. He was the best of the vipers, they would be his pawns. He would kill the marro, but that was only the beginning.

Originally Posted by Knight of Scape

A much younger Vlendak, who had only had his coming of age ceremony a year and a half ago, at the age of 15, when vipers reach adulthood, was walking in the woods with his younger sister Sallsanill who had recently celebrated her 14th birthday. They both knew that their parents didn't approve, and that they would get in big trouble if they were discovered, but they didn't care. That was what made it fun! Vlendak was showing her a really tall tree he had discovered which was easily climbable and offered a great view of battlers-hill. The hill had once been called big hill, but the war that had raged there for the past three years had quickly given it a new nickname. Situated on top of the hill was one of the primadons largest cities, which the marros had been besieging for a long time. The vipers were not aiding either side, though they would fight the marro when they invaded their swamps. But watching the fighting was a very exciting thing for young vipers, especially since it was forbidden. Approaching the hill from the fields was suicidal, because that was where the marro were camped, so all the young vipers watched from the forest. Going too near the edge was dangerous but offered a better view, causing the bravest to attempt it, and often get killed because of it. The more cautious vipers watched from trees. Finding a tall tree that wasn't already claimed was a stroke of very good luck, so the two young vipers hurried along eagerly. But when they arrived at the tree they found their luck had run out. They walked right into the middle of a group of marro, who incidentally had been waiting for some vipers to come by. Their leader was named Re-Nar-Sa, and he had an 'experiment' he wished to preform, which would require a viper. Vlendak and Sallsanill were captured without a fight. On the way to the marro camp, Sallsanill tried to escape and was shot by a trigger happy marro, who was promptly killed by Re-Nar-Sa for unnecessary violence. Vlendak cried tears of despair and rage, and tried to attack the marro, but was knocked unconscious. When he awoke, he was in a glass tube. Re-Nar-Sa was standing outside staring at him, and then he began shouting "Jotun's a puppet! Jotun's a puppet!" What? That wasn't what he was supposed to shout...

Originally Posted by Knight of Scape

Once again, Vlendak is in the glass tube, and Re-Nar-Sa is speaking. But this time he's not saying "Jotun's a puppet!". He's saying something far more logical, and far less nice.
Greetings, Viper. I am called Re-Nar-Sa. I am a warlord among the marro. You are here to participate in an experiment of my design. What is this experiment you ask?
'No, I don't ask.' thought Vlendak, but of course the warlord ignored him.
I am going to infuse into you, some marro 'blood'. It's not really blood, but you wouldn't understand without knowledge far too advanced for a viper like yourself to understand. I have tried this experiment on smaller creatures with success. Essentially, I will turn you into a marro viper. You may dislike the thought now, if your brain is working on that high a level, and I am speaking your crude language well enough to be understood, but you will come to love it in time. It is not just your body that will be transformed, but you mind as well. You will become an evil bloodthirsty killer, just like me. You will be extremely intelligent also, but that's not all. You will be powerful, very powerful. I have added some chemicals to the marro blood to cause you to experience great growth in size and strength. You will be a super viper. And to make sure you don't get out of hand, the last chemical I add will make you loyal. Fiercely loyal, to me. Now I must go. Soon gas will enter your chamber and knock you out, then you will be given the first injection. I will check on your progress regularly. Farewell!
Vlendak struggled fiercely to escape but to no avail. He hadn't understood everything the marro had said, but he knew he was trapped, and that was bad. Then green mist flooded the chamber, and he knew no more.
He awoke, and found that he was still in the glass tube, and there was a strange tube made of some unknown clear substance sticking into his mouth. It seemed to have food flowing through it, so he didn't spit it out yet. Seeing he was awake, a marro pushed a button, and more green gas came into the cylinder, knocking him out again.
The next few days went by in a blur. Days turned to weeks, and he was still there. Life was extremely boring. But slowly a change came over him. He realized the marro's plan was working. He knew he was much more intelligent now then he'd been when he came, and much stronger. He would use that to escape. Somehow. But the days went by, and no plan came to him. And then one day, Re-Nar-Sa came again.
Everything is going as planned. You are now much smarter and stronger then the average viper, and more cruel. Only one more week and you'll be out of here. The final injections will begin to change your personality dramatically. By the end, you will be loyal to me, and me only, and will care nothing about the lives of others, treating them with contempt. Why am I telling you this? I suppose I like to gloat. I have no one to talk to now that I killed the only other person who actually understood my experiment. So I talk to you. I know it's silly, but we all have our quirks. I may have more than most people. Like the fact that I always have all the guards go to bed at 7:00 on the seventh day of the seventh month. Just because it's amusing to listen to them wonder about the reason for the rule. And interestingly enough, today is the seventh day of the seventh month. What a coincidence! Well, goodbye!
That gave Vlendak an idea, a faint hope of escape. But he'd have to wait till after 7:00 to try it out. So he waited, observing the clock on the wall with little patience. The minutes seemed like years. And finally, the time arrived. The last guard was gone. It was time to put his plan into motion. Vlendak pushed against the sides of the glass cylinder with all his might. It was surprisingly easy to break. Vlendak had known he could do this for the past few days, but he knew he would just get shot down by guards. But now there were no guards! Or were there? What if Re-Nar-Sa had lied? It could be a trap. He'd best be careful. The main door would be far to risky. But how else could he go? He looked around for inspiration, and saw a strange looking vent on the wall. Curious, he inspected it, and found that hot air was coming from it. Maybe this was his escape route! He pried the vent off with ease, and began to crawl through the heating ducks. Before long he was hopelessly lost however, and began to think this hadn't been such a good idea after all. Finally, when he was about to give up hope, he came to another vent. Feeling claustrophobic and desperate to get out, he pushed it open...

...And cursed himself for having the worst luck ever. The vent fell to the floor with a lound clang, awakening Re-Nar-Sa, who was lying in a bed in a corner of the room. Vlendak dashed out the door, with Re-Nar-Sa close behind him. He ran and ran, until he came out in the open air, only to find himself at a dead end, on a third story balcony.
Re-Nar-Sa ran up behind him, gasping for breath.

I must admit, you're a lot smarter than I gave you credit for. I'm very impressed. I never knew I was so brilliant. I created a marvelous masterpiece. You probably expected that I tricked you. You were right. It was a test, to see if you would try to escape. A large regiment of my soldier were waiting outside the door ready to recapture you. I wanted to make sure that my experiment had worked, that you were stronger and smarter than the average viper. But it had worked too well. You almost got away. But by some unfortunate coincidence, you ended up in my room. I must say it again, good show. But the buck stops here. You can't escape, and you can't beat me.

I'm not going back to that tube.

Oh, I didn't expect you to. I don't have a tranquilizer gun, like the marro waiting outside the door, and I don't trust my ability to knock you out myself. No, I'm afraid you have to die. Killing's more my style then capturing, And since I couldn't capture you anyway, I'll kill you. I expect you'll put up a good fight, but despite your newfound intelligence, I'm smarter than you, due to having more experience. I'm a veteran of war, you've probably never fought before. You don't stand a chance. Now let's get started.
HELLO! MY NAME IS RE-NAR-SA! YOU RUINED MY EXPERIMENT, PREPARE TO DIE!

Re-Nar-Sa charged. Vlendak barely managed to dodge. Re-Nar-Sa was right, there was no way Vlendak could beat him. But maybe he didn't have to...
Re-Nar-Sa charged again, and this time Vlendak didn't dodge. Intead, he nimbly back flipped over the balcony railing, and landed in the lake he had noticed below. Now he could escape. Re-Nar-Sa was a good fighter, but no one could match a viper for speed. And Vlendak should be able to run much faster than an ordinary viper. In a flash, he was gone, into the night, leaving a very angry marro warlord behind him.

In the long term, I think the plan was that Grek-Nor would team up with some kind of viper army as they realize that they're both slaves to the hivelords?

~KoS, still very unlikely to ever finish this story.

[TheAverageFan]

Thanks for sharing these KoS; reading them I can definitely see how the viper faction was going to be a large part of the story.

~TAF

[Pumpkin_King]

Originally Posted by TheAverageFan

...

Hello everyone, and welcome back to Drunkenly Reviewing Every Low-Ranking and Unrated Fiction Here, where we dig up and critically analyze your first-draft cringy work from a decade ago when you were in high school. I am finally back and ready for our last episode. It took a long time but this should put the lid on every unranked fiction on the site (except for Thunderstorm and anything not listed on the Fan Fiction section of the Book of Valhalla Fan Art and Fiction). So without further ado let's give our final two rankings to the @Pumpkin_King , who I will Mention because screw it, he's active enough. Also congrats on the SoV inductee!


#22: The Rise And Fall Of The Pumpkin King by Pumpkin_King
~TAF

TAF I love you but if you make me think about old cringe on here again I will smite you.


JK - it's definitely cringe enough that I don't want to think about it but there's a part of me astonished and grateful anyone remembers this sh*t in the year of our lord 2022. I winced through most of this review and I deserved every moment.


I always say - let he who is without cringe cast the first stone, and buddy, I'm Sisyphus.

[TheAverageFan]

Originally Posted by Pumpkin_King

TAF I love you but if you make me think about old cringe on here again I will smite you.

Apologies for digging up the past unprompted, though your cringe was highly rated compared to some of our other outstanding entrants.

~TAF, who says embrace the cringe; wear it like armor and it can never be used against you

[Gold1]

Originally Posted by TheAverageFan

#3: Ceasefire by Gold1

This review is sponsored by Four Roses Kentucky Straight Bourbon Whiskey

Heh. Funny enough, Bourbon is my go-to liquor now.

Originally Posted by TheAverageFan

I'll stop summarizing the story from there because it only continues to complicate with each new entry before ending abruptly with no conclusion. I have to say it is quite the plot; despite the typos and lackluster writing (given a first-timer's crack at it) there's a lot of intrigue simply due to the sheer number of moving pieces on the board.

Thanks for the praise and the critiques! It definitely means a lot to me. I've always wanted to write but have never had a lot of confidence and this was an easy way to break into it back then. I'm glad to hear it was able to keep your attention at least.

Originally Posted by TheAverageFan

So this ended up being long-winded, and light on jokes as a result. But I found myself strangely invested in this one. Someone swoop in and finish it so I can see where it's all going. That fan-fiction contest prompt about sequelizing someone else's fic is still open, you know!

I've been gone for a long time, mostly due to password issues, but also because life got busy. Now that I'm back I may try to pick up that story again when I have time. I started that in Middle School (hence the bad grammar & spelling) and it just kept getting bigger as I went along. I vaguely remember the direction it was going so it would be a nice challenge to see if I can tie up all the threads together.

Also, just wanted to add that your reviews are very amusing and I appreciate the transparent humor here. Thanks for several laughs. I look forward to reading through some of your other reviews!

[TGRF]

So awesome to see the authors of old coming back to the old haunts. Welcome back, @Gold1 .

~TGRF.

[TheAverageFan]

Nice to hear from you, Gold1, thanks for the feedback. I'd love to hear anything if you knew where the story might've gone, just for curiosity's sake. As for bourbon, I'll drink to that if you got any on you Cheers



~TAF

[Gold1]

Originally Posted by The Grim Reaper's Friend

So awesome to see the authors of old coming back to the old haunts. Welcome back, @Gold1 .

~TGRF.

Thanks! It's good to be back!

Originally Posted by TheAverageFan

Nice to hear from you, Gold1, thanks for the feedback. I'd love to hear anything if you knew where the story might've gone, just for curiosity's sake. As for bourbon, I'll drink to that if you got any on you Cheers



~TAF

Vaguely... Khosumet gets what he wants (sort of). Jandar is delayed/held up from the Ceasefire meeting, which causes tension with the other representatives/Generals. Some backstabbing occurs as cards start being played on the table. The meeting itself ends up being more towards the end of the story and the results don't necessarily end the war but they do change it, for better or worse.

Like I said, a vague direction. But I'll hopefully start on a new entry this weekend. I was eventually going to get to the part about who Einar and Utgar chose as representatives, probably introducing them at the meeting itself and all the flagbearers would've made cameo appearances as standard bearers at said meeting.

I have half a mind to go edit some of the spelling and grammar mistakes from the earlier entries but it might be a while before I get to that.


~Gold1

[TheAverageFan]

If you're game to post I'm game to read.

~TAF