The Book of Demona

[Lord Pyre]

Yeah I said you could add more, with LD being the longest I'd personally prefer. I've said in the past I'm guilty of it as well, but this one is still ridiculous. I really don't want to have to do it myself to show you what's unnecessary...

[Lazy Orang]

I've now cut it as much as I possibly can.

[MrNobody]

Release info needs to be updated to include “Wave 30”, see Jane Thor as an example.

Also what SW said about the bio text needing fixing.

I still firmly believe that the bio could be massively shortened*, but if it’s a sticking point can we at least put it in a spoiler? I think it’ll just save a lot of people a little scrolling tome, which will add up massively over time.

*You compared her origin to those of classic superheroes, and the argument was that her origin is way more complex, and I disagree. I just think those classic heroes have had their origins extremely simplified for easy-to-read blurbs for the back of a toy package.

Our Spidey bio mentions the radioactive spider and then basically lists all his powers. It doesn’t touch Uncle Ben, “With great power...”, being bullied at high school, his parents dying, the fact his parents were apparently freaking secret agents, or any stuff about Peter being fated to become Spider-Man by some Spider-Gods or whatever. It just focuses

Like does it really need to cover the stuff about being Macbeth’s advisor? Just explain the idea of the life link and move on.

Basic points that seem important to capture are;
-Once a part of the main clan, now a vindictive outcast
-“Life linked” with Macbeth (yes, the one from the Scottish Play)
-Immortal while the rest of the Gargoyles slumbered
-Power of dark magic (and something explaining the seeing/hearing thing)

That seems like it could be tackled pretty quickly. I think we should aim for “back of the toy packaging” as much as possible.

All this just makes me want to go back and simplify the Doom Patrol more.

[Lazy Orang]

Originally Posted by MrNobody

Release info needs to be updated to include “Wave 30”, see Jane Thor as an example.

Also what SW said about the bio text needing fixing.

I still firmly believe that the bio could be massively shortened*, but if it’s a sticking point can we at least put it in a spoiler? I think it’ll just save a lot of people a little scrolling tome, which will add up massively over time.

*You compared her origin to those of classic superheroes, and the argument was that her origin is way more complex, and I disagree. I just think those classic heroes have had their origins extremely simplified for easy-to-read blurbs for the back of a toy package.

Our Spidey bio mentions the radioactive spider and then basically lists all his powers. It doesn’t touch Uncle Ben, “With great power...”, being bullied at high school, his parents dying, the fact his parents were apparently freaking secret agents, or any stuff about Peter being fated to become Spider-Man by some Spider-Gods or whatever. It just focuses

The last two you mentioned are hardly consistent or iconic, and the Uncle Ben part honestly feels like a massive omission (I've always felt like Spidey's bio was phoned in, honestly).

[Lazy Orang]

Okay, I've had an idea. What if I cut all the Macbeth stuff and just make add to the last part that when she appeared in the modern day she was 'seemingly immortal' or something (which is... kind of a stretch, honestly, but she had lived 1,000 years and, unlike the rest of the Clan, did so when not cursed to stone sleep). The Macbeth stuff is crucial, thematically, but it's also a massive spoiler and therefore not something I was wild about including, and it can go on an eventual Macbeth anyway.
Honestly, I'm not sold on this entirely (particularly since it's the Macbeth connection that's part of the reason I'm so happy she's in a Wave called 'Toil and Trouble' - maybe mention it tangentially in the release blurb?) but it's the only thought I've had.

[LordVenoc]

Here is a quick pass that already cuts 140 words from what you have there, as there were a lot of superfluous clauses that were far more stylistic than necessary for conveying information:

Demona is her own worst enemy - a once respected Gargoyle lead down an increasingly dark path by her own vindictiveness and unwillingness to accept her mistakes. Her interest in magic (which in her universe only affects those who both see and hear it) having already caused her to betray the humans at Castle Wyvern, her descent into darkness began in the year 994.

Resenting the treatment of her clean by the humans they had protected, she plotted with the equally resentful captain of the guard to betray the human inhabitants to the Vikings. Tragedy struck and in the attack only Demona and six other gargoyles survived from her clan, with the other gargoyles cursed to a stone sleep.

Unwilling or incapable of admitting her own culpability, she blamed humans for the slaughter and went on the run. As time passed, she became less able to protect her people from the humans' increasingly genocidal intentions. Eventually, she made a pact with Macbeth and the Weird Sisters; they would restore her youth and vitality at the cost of some of his, resulting in a life link between she and Macbeth - if either felt pain, so would the other; if either died, so too would the other. Though they ruled together as stalwart allies for many years, her paranoia lead her to betray Macbeth to Duncan's exiled son, Canmore. As a result, Macbeth was deposed, and Demona herself was betrayed, and the last few gargoyles in Scotland slaughtered.

Demona again refused to admit culpability. She instead blamed Macbeth, and humanity. For nine hundred years, she sought every opportunity for vengeance, trying desperately to overthrow humanity and pave the way for the nearly extinct gargoyle species supremacy. When the few survivors of the massacre of Castle Wyvern were freed from their stone curse, she rejoined her clan. It was not long before her lies and betrayals came to light, and she betrayed the few members of her clan that were left. Her former mate and leader, Goliath could no longer see anything of the woman he had once loved, and he and his clan have stood opposed to her plans for humanity ever since.

Your current draft (which has two typos, one in next to last and the other in last paragraph) clocks in at 500 words. Nobody is definitely right though, you do too much explaining in it. Intrigue the reader. They don't need to know why MacBeth and Demona allied, just that they did. If they want to go find out more, great. Don't assume people have an aversion to seeking out more on these characters, try to encourage it with your bio writing.

[Lazy Orang]

Where are these typos?

[LordVenoc]

Though they ruled together as stalwart allies for many years, but it would not last, and eventually, her paranoia lead her to betray Macbeth to Duncan's exiled son, Canmore. As a result, Macbeth was deposed, and Demona herself was betrayed, and the last few gargoyles in Scotland slaughtered.

Once again, she refused to admit culpability. She instead blamed Macbeth, and blamed humanity as a whole. For nine hundred years

Forgot a T and missed a space.

[Karat]

Yea for On-Deck. Looks like you still need a vote from @johnny139 and @japes to put her on-deck.

I like the cuts you're making on the bio. I personally just wouldn't mention the immortality at all.

[MrNobody]

I like when bios explain the powers on the card.

Here's another crack at cutting the bio down. May need some editing to make it more accurate, but I think something like this is reasonable in the amount of info it provides.

Once upon a time, Demona was a respected member of the Gargoyle clan led by her mate, Goliath. However, her resentment of the human species led her down an increasingly dark path.

After a plot she hatched to usurp the humans of Castle Wyvern failed, the majority of Demona's fellow Gargoyles of the castle were killed. The remainder were cursed to a seemingly permanent stone sleep - all except for Demona. Instead of accepting the blame for this tragedy, Demona only allowed herself to become more twisted and hateful.

After forming a "life-link" with Macbeth (Yes, that Macbeth), Demona became nearly immortal. She spent the next 1,000 years scheming to overthrow humanity and increasing her knowledge of the magical forces of her world, which can only affect those who both see and hear them.

When the six remaining members of her clan were freed from their stone curse by the billionaire David Xanatos, it seemed like Demona might have had her shot at redemption. Sadly though, the path she had gone down was just too dark to return from, and she found herself the enemy of her once close friends.

[japes]

Originally Posted by LordVenoc

Don't assume people have an aversion to seeking out more on these characters, try to encourage it with your bio writing.

Half of my knowledge of characters comes from an interesting bio that intrigued me to learn more.

[japes]

yea