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  #1  
Old April 30th, 2022, 05:45 AM
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Drunkenly Reviewing Every Low-Rated & Unranked Fiction here


Now that one of my stories finally has a ranking, and now that TGRF's hopes and dreams have been crushed under the weight of another 7, it's time to go back and read some of the less-fortunate and underappreciated works on this forum.

I'm going to (attempt to) read every fanfic on here, starting with the lowest-rated ones and working my way up to the ones that were never ranked at all. That way every fiction on here has a ranking of some sort, even if it's only the one given by me ten years after the fact. If anything is going to make me a more lenient grader, it's this.

I am going to leave the ratings below now:
Spoiler Alert!


If it seems too insurmountable a task, then perhaps you all can grab a pint and help me get all these fans' passionate tales the rankings they deserve.

~TAF

TAF was the Storyteller...
in THE ENEMY'S LAST RETREAT


Last edited by TheAverageFan; July 8th, 2022 at 03:59 AM.
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  #2  
Old April 30th, 2022, 06:10 AM
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Re: Drunkenly Reviewing Every Low-Rated & Unranked Fiction h

#1: Grey by The Deadliest Warrior

Spoilers for everything ahead.

This work is the lowest-ranked on the entire site with an abysmal ranking of 2. How bad could it be? I found myself asking that after reading it, which took about three minutes as it is extremely short and also unfinished.

What we get of the story concerns an agent, named Grey, tasked with assassinating a scientist: Dr. Wolfsberg. Wolf has created perfect cloning technology and that renders him a heretic to the society Grey works for. That's what we get in the prologue.

Like the rest of us Deadliest Warrior checks for comments right after posting the first bit. Give it a few days! I guess things moved faster back then. Back when you could insist upon a feedback = chapter format and not be met with the abyssal silence.

Deadliest Warrior continues with Chapter 1, an equally short chapter introducing Grey. He's out of prison and heading to city hall to kill the Doctor with a nifty gadget: a camera that fires a tiny bullet when the shutter closes. This doesn't take place in Valhalla, by the way; it has nothing to do with Heroscape whatsoever.

Chapter 2 introduces Wolfsberg heading to said city hall. Despite getting his perspective in this bit it isn't made clear whether or not he is actually evil as Grey's CO Black says. Also we learn that Wolfsberg has already cloned himself, so we are left wondering which one is really going to be assassinated by Grey.

That's it. Two chapters. We get nothing else.


I don't know why the story was cancelled (nothing in the thread and Deadliest Warrior was still active on the site long after the thread's desertion), but more importantly I don't know why it was ranked so abysmally low. It's a fast-paced and intriguing start with a simple-yet-engaging premise. Maybe it would've become stupid as it went on but who could tell, really? And who hated it so much? Was it one of the many Heroscapers on there saying they liked it and wanted more? Was someone just really upset that it was unfinished? Is there secret racism in there somewhere? Was it all plagiarized?

I'll gladly give it a 5 just for being decent: not exceptional but certainly not terrible. But it's a 5 with an asterisk saying that it's an abruptly unfinished story that can be finished in three minutes. And unfortunately unless I really despise the second-lowest-ranked story it's still sitting at a 3.5 average at the bottom of the list

~TAF

TAF was the Storyteller...
in THE ENEMY'S LAST RETREAT

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Old April 30th, 2022, 07:38 AM
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Re: Drunkenly Reviewing Every Low-Rated & Unranked Fiction h

Very noble cause TAF.
I applaud you.
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Old April 30th, 2022, 08:27 AM
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Re: Drunkenly Reviewing Every Low-Rated & Unranked Fiction h

#2: To Kill A Marro Drone by Keetacongoo

This review is sponsored by Oliver Sweet Red: the only whine cheaper than mine

This fic ranks the second-lowest on Heroscapers with a scathing 4, a number so cripplingly mediocre that there are only half as many stories on here ranking equal-to-or-lower to it than there are values in the number 4 itself. I don't even know what that means.

I also don't know why it is rated so low; perhaps due to the offensive nature of the title of the story, suggesting destroying something from a set worth more than your child:

The story begins at Chapter 3 which is perhaps a meta take on Joel Stickley's drivel 100 Ways to Write Badly Well, #3 being to start your novel at least 3 chapters before the first significant event of the plot (looking at you, Dilmir). Keetacongoo subverts this by simply starting at the third chapter. Said chapter opens with a Kyrie script referencing the opening of the beloved M. Night Shyamalan film The Last Airbender. When Utgar attacked only the Kyrie Lord could stop him, but when the world needed him most, he vanished.

From Ch. 3 we move on to the prologue, which features younger versions of all the Valkyrie. Despite not appearing in the Kyrie script at the beginning Vydar is there, and Aquilla is mentioned. They're all 14 which makes sense since we jumped back to the prologue from Ch. 3. The point is that they find a wellspring and Utgar lets a Marro Drone (or the Marro Drone) use it and turn into Ne-Gok-Sa, our real protagonist.

Now, Ne-Gok-Sa is cool and rad at Guitar Hero, and it's established quickly that the author understands our 2008 zoomer-humor very well, by referencing DDR and Flintstones Chewable Vitamins™. This makes the Marro highly relatable. We learn that Su-Bak-Na got his mount from Hargrid, which may seem like a typo but is a very clever reference to My Immortal, the only fic worthy of a 10 from me. We also learn how unusual it is for Kee-Mo-Shi and Wo-Sa-Ga to be female since the Marro race is generally asexual in nature, which obviously means they're all male, duh.

However if there's anything I take seriously in my children's hexagon game it's the gritty story, so this fic is skating on thin ice treating it so silly and meta. I would certainly never do anything like that myself, and I expect all of you to do the same moving forward.

The first chapter covers all the different Marro's training, and while it is littered with funny moments (like the Groks training by killing half their number to supply their head-n-spine whips), it does meander for quite a while. If it feels slow take a swig of Oliver every time you see a typo and that'll help. Or if that's too frequently then every time there's one of these:


(Coming soon for every single other thing I read on here!)

Chapter 2 involves NGS going to Utgar's council to pitch his plan to assault Drake's manor and kidnap the Sergeant and Raelin. Utgar's council consists of not only existing units like Taelord as well as historical figures like Adolf and Bin Laden... strangely it also contains fictional characters like Voldemort and the Green Goblin and Gordon Ramsay (who as such would assumedly be fictional in the children's hexagon game lore as well). The Führer calls the plan suicide which is ironic. But if the guy who came up with Operation Citadel thinks it's a bad idea then maybe it's worth some merit, and as such Utgar thinks it's a good idea and gives it the green light.

This brings us neatly to Ch. 3.5: the attack on the manor. It is a lengthy attack scene kind of like a heist, and was extremely sobering as it is long and doesn't have many jokes throughout, save for Kelda telling a pregnant Raelin that she should've gotten an abortion. Perhaps her nat 1's on Healing Touch are intentional wounds. Ne-Gok-Sa and a team of Marro break in and kill a bunch of dudes with their weapons and ninja-flips.

(goddammit even a story with this many typos does "opening fire" instead of "open-firing" how could I mess that up that many times in a row)

The climax of the story is a fight between Drake and Me-Burq-Sa, which lasts very long. Finally Drake and Raelin and Kelda are captured, and Ne-Gok-Sa sends them away. The story ends with no continuation. It all became so strangely violent at the end. I would certainly never do anything like that myself, and I expect all of you to do the same moving forward.



I am comfortable giving this one a 4. While the existing rating felt kind of unfair to Grey, borderline baffling, I can see the logic behind whoever rated this one. It's unfinished despite feeling like being a single chapter from completion, and it gets longer-winded and less-funny as it goes. I aged two years while reading the Drake/MBS fight scene, and completely sobered up in doing so. It goes on forever. I would certainly never do anything like that myself, and I expect all of you to do the same moving forward.

The first chapter (1 and 1.5) is pretty dumb and silly and crammed full of jokes. Dumb gets a lot of leniency from me, because it's knowing and amusing, but it can fizzle out fast. Chapters 2 and 3 are less funny and contain some questionable material that some readers in the thread expressed discomfort with. The Marro bring a KKK wizard on their team, 'cause he's evil so he works with them, and I expected him to get exploded or killed in some comedic way, but he just never does and is still around by the end. Serving no general purpose other than to make some people do the eye-shift gif. Also the story is To Kill a Marro Drone, and Ne-Gok-Sa is that Drone, but he never dies in it. I mean, it's incomplete, but... eh...? I can see it collapsing in real time. Part of me feels like more chapters would only worsen the rating, 'cause it was a 6 at the beginning and fell from there.

If you want a laugh about the different quirks about all the different Marro units in the game, read Chapter 1 and 1.5. That's my advice.

~TAF




Oh wait, that Chapter 3 at the beginning was just the thread updated to the latest—

TAF was the Storyteller...
in THE ENEMY'S LAST RETREAT


Last edited by TheAverageFan; May 2nd, 2022 at 03:04 AM.
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Old May 2nd, 2022, 02:56 AM
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Re: Drunkenly Reviewing Every Low-Rated & Unranked Fiction h

#3: Ceasefire by Gold1

This review is sponsored by Four Roses Kentucky Straight Bourbon Whiskey

The only other two fictions on here with a moderately low rating are two 6's. I think that's where I'll stop with the "low rated" ones for now. Any future reviews will be the unrated ones.

The first of these two 6's is Ceasefire, a story about the Valkyrie sending one representative each to meet for peace talks.

The first one we meet is Agent Carr in a brief opening paragraph. Next is Agent Carr again, in what seems like a different take of the same opening scene of him discovering his mission. Or maybe there are two Agent Carrs. We can't rule out the possibility.

Next we see Jandar in a pretty well-done reflection scene where he is thinking about his past and responsibilities. Trhere's still ahit of typos in it, inminf yuo, so manti that' I'm going to replicate this here to iani demonstrate itn as adoa pitn. But still.

Anyway Jandar decides to go to this meeting with Utgar for peace talks. Others are concerned that it is a trap, hence the premise that the Valkyrie are sending one representative each. I assumed the premise meant that they'd each be sending one hero or something but if that's the case then Jandar missed the memo 'cause he's going himself. But Sir Denrick decides to go with him, so that counts I guess. Either that or it's cheating because Jandar's going to be represented by more than one unit now. All I know is that reading this has eased my fears about writing with too many commas, because here there are none to worry about.

Ullar leaves to go get his own men, but not before giving Jandar the ultimate bro arm-clasp:

Quote:
"Then all is settled," stated Ullar. "We will leave you now. I must be at home to make my own preperations." Ullar stood and bowed to all the members. He then walked up to Jandar "Until we meet again my old friend."
"Until then," Jandar responded "may your journey be safe. I pray that this meeting will bring an end to this war.
"As do I." The two Kyrie generals then clasped each other's forearms in farewell.

Back with Carr he is on his way when he notices Isamu following him. He turns around and manages to kill the ninja before reporting in to Vydar all-codelike like all those Vydar bastards do, thinking they're better than us. But then it's revealed that Isamu is still alive, having used a double to trick Carr all along! The plot thickens!

Carr then comes across Utgar's armies camped out in the volcanic area he's been sent to. He is attacked by a squad of Obsidian Guards and a fight scene occurs. It's actually pretty well-done given that it's completely pointless much like this entire endeavor. It's only Agent Carr fighting three Obsidian Guards: two 100-point units duking it out. But I can appreciate a good action scene and it spiced this story up quite a bit. It's strange how much better-written it is than the rest of this: perhaps action is Gold1's area of expertise (edit from the future: No, it's just this one fight that's good).

Meanwhile in a completely different story Utgar and Taelord sit in the Valkyrie's gladitorial arena watching a traitor-orc named Skorr face execution by combat. Doesn't this guy have a meeting to go to? This feels like the opening of an entirely new fiction, with Skorr as the protagonist. Anyway he is able to defeat his opponents, mostly thanks to his trusty black swog (probably shouldn't have given the prisoner his mount if you wanted to kill him in battle). This fight scene is much longer than the previous one which was just a skirmish and included a character we were already familiar with. This one kind of blurred to me (or maybe that's just the alcohol). Anyway, Skorr wins and even kills his rival in the ring. It's a promising premise for its own story, I just don't know what it's doing here. Should I just steal all the good ideas from the stories I read here? Can I do that? (edit from the future: No, and Skorr is actually important)

Anyhow next we see Taelord in a secret meeting with someone who turns out to be Carr. Not only is Taelord plotting against Utgar, but Carr himself is plotting against Vydar as well, and the two are in cahoots!


Somehow these stories that are clearly made up as they go along still manage to hold my interest through the simple use of consistent intrigue (regardless of if it pays off or not). Taelord and Carr are plotting against their Valkyrie out of nowhere, but Utgar might know about it since we saw Isamu trick Carr and continue following him. Where will this go? If the fiction is unfinished it just allows me to imagine what the rest of it would be if competently told. It's kind of an unfair advantage in the rating, really, but take that as a cue I suppose.

Jandar continues on his quest, accompanied by a whole cast of different knights. The knights camp and measure sausages. You'll have to read the story for any more context on that.

Anyway he gets separated from the company. Eventually he winds up in the company of a Kyrie who knew his father. It takes a long time in an otherwise fast-paced story. The pace in general slows way down as the story progresses, though at the same time Gold1 is visibly getting better at both writing and formatting, so it appears more professional as it goes.

Anyway we see Taelord recruit the prisoner orc Skorr for some kind of mission. Later Utgar reveals his plans concerning using the Ceasefire to destroy his enemies. Taelord and Carr reveal their alliance but not their secret treachery. Khosumet meanwhile is sent to orchestrate a coup against Jandar.

I'll stop summarizing the story from there because it only continues to complicate with each new entry before ending abruptly with no conclusion. I have to say it is quite the plot; despite the typos and lackluster writing (given a first-timer's crack at it) there's a lot of intrigue simply due to the sheer number of moving pieces on the board.

I'm gonna give this one not just a 7 (mostly just to boost the rating) but actually recommend you read it if you are interested in learning about "growing"-type plotting: just adding more elements with each chapter as it goes on. Not only is it impressive to see how much Gold1 improved as a writer from the first bits to the later ones, it is also impressive to see how well he crafted this type of story. There are so many characters in so many different factions all surrounding this supposed ceasefire meeting, and more importantly they all have their own agendas. You have Utgar planning to use it to take over, with Vydar in on Utgar's schemes and trying to use it to win himself. And their minions Carr and Taelord have their own secret alliance, both planning to betray the other. But Taelord is aware of Carr's betrayal, but he himself is also being affected by some strange ancient magic at the same time. You have Skorr working for Taelord, though his motives are ambiguous and we don't know much about why he was imprisoned other than that Taelord was involved somehow. Then there's also Khosumet going on a separate mission for Utgar to prove himself, though he has to do it with Ne-Gok-Sa who he hates. And all of these are just the ones on the bad guys' side, there's just as much going on with Jandar and his men. It was clearly made up as it went along, but Gold1 makes it work convincingly and makes good use of seemingly random seeds in earlier chapters to make it look as if it were deliberately so all along. Despite the first chapter being six sentences. It started so basic and amateurish and then just kept getting more thought-through and well-done, and sadly it got fewer comments and feedback as it did so.

So this ended up being long-winded, and light on jokes as a result. But I found myself strangely invested in this one. Someone swoop in and finish it so I can see where it's all going. That fan-fiction contest prompt about sequelizing someone else's fic is still open, you know!

~TAF

TAF was the Storyteller...
in THE ENEMY'S LAST RETREAT

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  #6  
Old May 2nd, 2022, 12:32 PM
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The Grim Reaper's Friend The Grim Reaper's Friend is offline
He should definitely get that. (#4)
 
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Re: Drunkenly Reviewing Every Low-Rated & Unranked Fiction h

I find myself oddly looking forward to more ratings.

If you're going to start on unranked fictions next, I would suggest PK's Having a Marvelous Time, and BassistofDoom's Zombies: The End. PK is renowned as one of the great writers on the site, and Bassist consistently turned out quality work in the early days of the Competition. According to the Index, both are completed. I haven't read either one, but as great writers, they deserve ratings.

~TGRF.

Go to my website to read my fan fiction!

Writing Status: Forming Plot...
Spoiler Alert!

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Old May 2nd, 2022, 07:36 PM
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Re: Drunkenly Reviewing Every Low-Rated & Unranked Fiction h

Quote:
Originally Posted by The Grim Reaper's Friend
If you're going to start on unranked fictions next, I would suggest PK's Having a Marvelous Time, and BassistofDoom's Zombies: The End. PK is renowned as one of the great writers on the site, and Bassist consistently turned out quality work in the early days of the Competition. According to the Index, both are completed. I haven't read either one, but as great writers, they deserve ratings.

~TGRF.


~TAF

TAF was the Storyteller...
in THE ENEMY'S LAST RETREAT

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Old May 4th, 2022, 11:53 PM
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Re: Drunkenly Reviewing Every Low-Rated & Unranked Fiction h

#4: The Price of Un-Life by Araaz Grimm

This review is still sponsored by Four Roses Kentucky Straight Bourbon Whiskey, your one-stop shop for bad ways to spend your Wednesday

The second of the two 6's, and the final of the reviews of stories that actually have rankings (for now; I may hit up some of the 6-point-whatevers down the road perhaps). This is a story by Araaz Grimm that apparently follows the events of a different story:

Quote:
Any of you who have visited TGRF's 'Are you the best writer?' thread may remember the main character from my first post, Dralvon. This story takes place shortly after Dralvon's destruction. Enjoy!
TGRF, explain for the rest of us what this means, please. Moving on.

The story opens with Estivara the drow priestess looking over a dead vampire. She is making a brew to resurrect the vampire to turn him into the ultimate vampire assassin, possibly to kill Utgar? (it isn't clear)

Now if you guessed if this vampire is the beforementioned Dralvon then you would be correct. He awakes in a cell feeling hung over and this causes him to reflect on his origins and how he ended up here. Including a pointless foray into his backstory about how he became a vampire by the bite of a vampire queen "Snow Dracul". All because a girl dumped him. Don't laugh, we've all been there!


Now is a good time to bring up what I like to call "TAF's Heroscape OC Bingo", a game you can all play whenever reading a Heroscape fanfic featuring a new character as the protagonist.

TAF's Heroscape OC Bingo

(plug in yer own original characters and see if you win!)

Anyway Dralvon is bummed out because he now has wings and horns (making his role as an assassin much more difficult). Estivara comes in and informs him that she resurrected him and can teach him, but he attacks her and literally squeezes her neck so hard her head pops off. So much for getting more information out of her. Plus some orcs show up and capture him anyway, so it's a moot point.

Dralvon himself is about what you'd expect from a vampire character. Let's read some of his amazing prose now:

Quote:
Pain, that was the first sensation Dralvon felt as his consciousness returned. His entire body ached, as if he had been lying on a stone table while dwarves pounded at his frame.
Quote:
The torch finally died, and Dralvon was left alone in the darkness. He didn't mind though, as far as the enemy was concerned, Dralvon was darkness.
Quote:
Suddenly, her demeanor changed to something Dralvon was more accustomed to; rage.
Quote:
His hatred burned like fire of a dwarven forge, but he was too weak to carry out his malevolent thoughts.
(My headcanon is that he has a thing for dwarves)

Next we meet another character--Pherakia--also waking up in chains at the hands of Drow. He too breaks free and kills his captor, but more Drow show up and tell him that his mission is to track down Dralvon (who apparently escaped the orcs) and kill him. Pherakia agrees and, revealing himself to be a werewolf, spreads his wings (?) and rushes off.

I don't know why he has wings but perhaps I hallucinated it due to the alcohol. Stay sober, kids!

Also worth pointing out is Chapter 5: Oblivion Has Wings. Don't name your chapters unless you're gonna name all of them, that's TAF's writing advice for the day.

Next we meet another character being chained and tortured by the drow, this time a human named Valris. He is a priest or a monk or a knight (I'm not certain) due to his referencing scripture and other Christian stuff. His dungeon is even filled with skeletons sporting crosses and Jesus fish (which makes sense as we all know Drow despise Christians!).

Valris is poisoned with a hallucinogen that makes him literally see Jesus. Jesus tells him that he's gonna be okay and gives him the Predator handshake filling him with strength,
causing Valris to expunge the poison and literally Kool-Aid Man walk through his cage:

Quote:
Instead, the stranger also extended his hand. Valris could see a gaping hole going sraight through it, and he gasped. The stranger grabbed his hand anyway, and shook it firmly. The haggard man gave Valris a smile, and in a flash of brilliant light, he disappeared.

All of Valris' fears disappeared, and he felt a sense of courage. He was utterly confused. He wondered to himself, could that man have been...? Looking around, he discovered that the poison no longer clouded his mind.

...

Filled with determination at his revelation, Valris stood up and walked towards the bars of the cell. He bent them through sheer force, and the chains exploded like glass.
Anyway, nothing comes of this. TGRF, if these are characters from the original thread please let us know.

Back with Dralvon he is being taken by the orcs across the desert. We don't see him escape despite what was said to Pherakia earlier. However at the end of the story we see two cultists appear and attack the orcs. And they... well... just read what happens in the battle:

Quote:
[the orc] spurred his beast on, and in a flash he was next to the smaller of the cloaked people, he slashed downward. The blade was blocked by a sudden thrust forth of a scimitar.
CLANG!

The two blades bounced off of each other, and the orc likewise was bounced off of his mount. He rolled in the sand, much like he had caused his dead compatriot to do mere moments before. He leapt up suddenly.

‘Die!’ He yelled as he lunged forward, his blade high in the air.

The larger cloaked-figure stepped forward, and he raised his hand. ‘No, you.’ He replied.

From his hand a consuming blaze shot out, enveloping the orc. The orc’s body blackened as it’s skin burnt, and it’s skeleton fell away to ashes.
That is literally how the story ends, with an unironic use of "No, you" as the badass one-liner comeback. I could not with all my experience or skill ever come up with something as brilliant as this. I am dead ****in' serious. I'm giving the story a 10 because of this one exchange.



Anyway that's the end this story is kinda bad and only consists of character introductions before ending before the actual plot can kick off. The characters are meh outside of Valris who was kind of interesting. And the story features an uncomfortable amount of dungeon-torture which makes me wonder if I wasn't the one who actually wrote it. Maybe Grimm is a smurf account and ultimately a result of tequila

Sean, who I read this aloud to, gave it a 5. Jokes about "No, you" aside I'm gonna give it a 4. It may seem cruel coming back ten years after the fact to a lesser known fiction only to lower its already-unkind rating. But Araaz's own signature refers to Price Of Un-Life as "An unfinished fanfic that needs to be expanded on or revamped". I'm not uncertain that he or she wouldn't disagree with this rating given that statement.

The moral of all this is that It's is short for "it is". When you're writing it's make sure to read "it is" aloud instead and if it doesn't make sense then you need to be using Its instead.

~TAF, until next time

TAF was the Storyteller...
in THE ENEMY'S LAST RETREAT


Last edited by TheAverageFan; May 5th, 2022 at 12:06 AM. Reason: "He WAS wings"?! :drunk:
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  #9  
Old May 5th, 2022, 02:44 PM
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The Grim Reaper's Friend The Grim Reaper's Friend is offline
He should definitely get that. (#4)
 
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Re: Drunkenly Reviewing Every Low-Rated & Unranked Fiction h

Quote:
Originally Posted by TAF
Quote:
Originally Posted by Grimm
Any of you who have visited TGRF's 'Are you the best writer?' thread may remember the main character from my first post, Dralvon. This story takes place shortly after Dralvon's destruction. Enjoy!
TGRF, explain for the rest of us what this means, please. Moving on.
The 'Are you the best writer?' thread in question is in fact the competition. Therefore I can only assume that Dralvon featured in AG's first ever entry. But beyond that, I cannot help you, because I remember nothing of that entry, nor of The Price of Un-Life itself, despite being sure I had read it when it was posted.

At this point I'm just hoping you get to something you enjoy, for your own sanity if nothing else.

~TGRF.

TGRF also notes that TAF has no business criticizing random appearances of wings when he still has yet to explain how the heck the moon has wings.

Go to my website to read my fan fiction!

Writing Status: Forming Plot...
Spoiler Alert!

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  #10  
Old May 5th, 2022, 05:40 PM
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TheAverageFan TheAverageFan is offline
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Re: Drunkenly Reviewing Every Low-Rated & Unranked Fiction h

Quote:
Originally Posted by The Grim Reaper's Friend
At this point I'm just hoping you get to something you enjoy, for your own sanity if nothing else.
To their credit I did enjoy Grey and Ceasfire more than their ratings led me to believe. Ceasfire in particular reminded me of a writing lesson I'd allowed myself to forget: having a lot of characters does not a complex plot make, having a lot of characters with different agendas certainly can though.

Quote:
Originally Posted by The Grim Reaper's Friend
TGRF also notes that TAF has no business criticizing random appearances of wings when he still has yet to explain how the heck the moon has wings.
I'm never gonna live this down, am I? (... ... ... ... ... ... ... 80 pages)

~TAF

TAF was the Storyteller...
in THE ENEMY'S LAST RETREAT

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  #11  
Old May 7th, 2022, 03:57 AM
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TheAverageFan TheAverageFan is offline
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Re: Drunkenly Reviewing Every Low-Rated & Unranked Fiction h

Welcome back to Drunkenly Reviewing Every Low-Rated & Unranked Fiction On Here, where we punch down on old fanfics and use inebriation as a shield against any criticism of this idea!

Now that all the 6-and-under Fics have been rated, we can move on to the real meat of our program: all the fictions that haven't received a rating at all. Now we have no clue how good or bad they'll be; we could find a few gems or we might be massively increasing the number of fics with a low rating. I guess the only way to find out is to forge on ahead.


#5: The Book of TheAverageFan by TheAverageFan

Oh, well this didn't take long. Literally the first unranked fiction when going alphabetically is one of my own. Though the Book of TheAverageFan is just a collection of all of my fictions across the site. It's not an actual story so I can't even review it out of jest. Objectively speaking, if I truly want to be a critic of merit, I can't really give it anything other than a 0.

Check it out! Moving on.




#6: Compass of the Spring by dragonfire9788

All we are told about this story is that it has many parts to it and that people die in it. It's highly amusing to me that one used to need to admit that for a fiction since there could be many younglings on the forums and you don't necessarily want them to come across any especially violent stories by chance. Of course we've all aged so very much since Heroscape's cancellation it's not especially a factor anymore. So if you were six years old when this was published in 2006, let me know and I'll buy you a beer.

What also makes this an old fiction is the notion that it begins with a battle between Jandar and Einar's forces, way back when it was Jandar/Ullar vs. Utgar/Einar/Vydar (though in this story Vydar's forces serve exclusively as mercenaries and are fighting for the good guys this time). Thorgrim has just fended off an attack from a gladiator army and is now riding to warn Sir Denrick of said army approaching him.

Thorgrim and some other heroes make it to Denrick's castle in Laur and defend against Einar/Utgar forces. At the same time a separate castle in Crumland with other characters is also under attack by a joint Einar/Utgar force. There's absolutely no distinction between the two settings and as such you can imagine how confusing the battles get. It's easy to get mixed up which battle we're in, especially given the large numbers of named characters piled up into the two settings. I actually think there might even be a third castle under siege at the same time but I'm not certain.

No distinction between settings and characters in said settings, and the writing is extremely direct: "Such-and-such happened. So-and-so said this. So-and-so did that." Really it's much easier to communicate my confusion by just letting you all read it, so here's Chapter 5 in its entirety:

Quote:
Part 5

Northern Laur

Utgar's forces upon the castle. Thousands of minions were already on the walls clashing with the knights. Tealord shouted,''Fire, and I don't cost that much!''. Rocks flew from the catupalts smashing down the door. Our 5 heros (Theracus, Realin, Morsbane, Denrick, and Thorgrim) rushed down to the the door. One battlalion of orcs rushed in and killed all the knights, but all the orcs died too. then came in Krug, Tealord saying,''I don't cost that much'', Khousmet, Mimring, and Ne-Gok-Sa. Thercus flew everyone up to one of the walls. Braxas flew from her perch and prepared to battle the Utgar officers. Concan came down to help Braxas.
Ne-Gok-Sa went to a corner and started to control Concan. Morsbane aimed his rod at Krug and fired. Miss. Braxas ate Tealord. Amogst the screaming they heard a last,''I don't cost that much''. Krug shoved his blade into Braxas as she ate Khousmet. Braxas- was dead. Morsbane fired again. Hit.''We've got control of Krug,'' said the wizard. Krug killed Mimring. Concan started to battle Krug. Thorgrim Ran over and cut off the marro warlord's head, just as Concan killed Krug. Then Concan fainted.

End of part 5
Keep in mind that despite Tealord's quipping (whoever that is), the rest of this story isn't particularly meta or tongue-in-cheek. So that you don't get the wrong impression

Reading this you of course understand why I'm not gonna be able to recount any of it for you five minutes after having read it.

Now Chapter 6 shakes things up by being part of a journal Finn had kept. Finn died in Ch. 1 and he apparently had a compass that could detect wellspring locations (the namesake of the title, even). One that Einar's forces are trying to obtain. In this diary we learn that he obtained it from Ulrick the dreadgul (C3V unit when?) before even coming to Valhalla.

Now why would there be a magical object able to sense Wellsprings on Earth of all places? And why would Finn's mortal enemy give it to him? The plot thickens.

Well no it doesn't. Chapter 7 shows us that Ulrick himself is in Valhalla, and he has the compass back and explains why he gave it to his nemesis:

Quote:
''What is this peice of junk?'' Spartacus asked.''That is what Einar wants to sell to Utgar. Heh heh heh,'' said the dreadgul leader and the father of Valguard and the enemy of Finn, Ulrick!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!''I gave it to Finn so I could kill him and steal it.

Anyway we kinda shift gears from the castle battles to a conspiracy by Ulrick and Spartacus to overthrow Einar. Our heroes (including a resurrected Finn for no reason) hear of this and go to Einar's castle first before it is besieged by the mutinous army.

Einar explains his motives to the vikings:

Quote:
''Finn do you know what this is?''Einar said.''It is another wellspring compass''.''You gave the first one to Ulrick didn't you!''Finn yelled.''Why''?''Yeah I did,''Einar replied.''I gave it to him because I knew he would throw it at you and Jandar would be more modivated to summon you. Jandar didn't just want you, he wanted the compass as well''.''How many compasses are there,''Finn asked.'' Also how do you get them''.''There are 9,''Einar replied.'' 2 were given to general except one was destroyed before it got to Jandar''.''That's why he wanted me,''Finn said.''So he could grab another and have 2''.''Exactly!''Einar shouted.
Y'know, I'm reluctant to use so many memes for these reviews since it'll date them eventually, but this story really leaves me no choice:


Uh, then there's a battle. And Spartacus and Ulrick die, and a whole bunch of other people die. Einar's castle self-destructs, and I guess the crisis is averted. We are left with these words:

Quote:
The End

Epiloge:The war lasted 50 more years, and everyone in this story was dead by then.
...+1 Points for that.


I'm gonna give this one a 3: one point for its amusing and extremely, morosely to-the-point epilogue. Another one for a bit that made me smirk where the heroes are formulating their strategy and every time one of them proposes or dismisses something the entire army roars "Yaaaay!" with approval. And I guess one point for not containing anything... concerning... and it was also a quick read which makes it hard to get all that angry at.

Now a 3/10 may sound like harsh criticism, being the new lowest ranked fiction (so far). But if you think I'm hard on this one you oughta read the comments in the actual thread. People in there grilling dragonfire9788 for what is obviously a first and quick take on fanfiction! This fic's thread is 16 tiny chapters across 11 pages, yow! So many comments!

~TAF



...wait why was the compass "of the Spring"?

TAF was the Storyteller...
in THE ENEMY'S LAST RETREAT

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  #12  
Old May 7th, 2022, 03:08 PM
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The Grim Reaper's Friend The Grim Reaper's Friend is offline
He should definitely get that. (#4)
 
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Re: Drunkenly Reviewing Every Low-Rated & Unranked Fiction h

It's actually pretty amazing to me that dragonfire9788 could ever turn out something so... low caliber (the part of me closest to understanding new writers keeps me from saying 'bad').

DF has turned out some truly great stuff in the contest; I can only assume this fiction was a product of inexperience, and that he got better from then on.

~TGRF.

Go to my website to read my fan fiction!

Writing Status: Forming Plot...
Spoiler Alert!

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