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  #1  
Old January 23rd, 2009, 06:26 PM
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Anthasu1 Anthasu1 is offline
 
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The Guardian- Now Updated! Part 4.5

I decided to finally make a fanfic. It's about a deserter from Utgar's army, intent on ending the war. Without further ado, here it is.
Entry #1

My name is Seraph – I am a deserter from Utgar’s army. For three weeks I have hidden from him. I was Utgar’s Chief Summoner and I am sure that he will not take kindly to my leaving.

I am Kyrie, and as most of Utgar’s army, I am dragon-winged. At least being away from Utgar’s aura has returned my skin to its proper color.

My plan is simple, I must destroy Utgar and Jandar's Alliance. I have watched this war bring much suffering and hardship to my homeland, and can no longer be a part of the destruction.

I will use the ways of Summoning to create a new faction – A Seventh Faction – intent on saving the people of Valhalla.

I will be their Guardian.

The Drake Raizel was being hunted. Drakes, were smaller, and for the most part, wingless, dragons. Raizel was a Wind Drake, one of the only types of Drakes with wings. They communicated to other beings through thought, and communicated with each other with clicks. But that wasn't important now. One of the dark dragons, Shathrin, was fighting him, apparently thinking he'd be a good snack. Raizel gathered his energy. Wind exploded out of nowhere, Buffeting Shathrins wings, but Shathrin was too close- He twisted, turned, and clawed, tearing a mortal wound into Raizel's chest.

Seraph looked around at the summoning supplies he gathered. He had paint, for the pentacle, the proper runes, and the right tomes. He sat down and flipped through one. A name burned in gold onto the paper. Someone has just died, he thought. He looked at the name. Raizel. He started the spell.

Raizel's world faded out, then turned gold and focused. there was a dragon-winged man staring down at him. He let off some angry clicks.

Seraph looked at the little creature. He looked at the tomes again. This, is the start of my army, he thought.

End Part 1

I'd like some feedback please respond. Also, In my customs, I will post Customs for some characters (first one is Raizel)

Last edited by Anthasu1; February 11th, 2009 at 09:00 PM. Reason: Better flowing 1st entry, more detail in Raizel's fight
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  #2  
Old January 23rd, 2009, 06:48 PM
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ABOMINATION ABOMINATION is offline
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ABOMINATION is inducted into the Halls of Valhalla ABOMINATION is inducted into the Halls of Valhalla ABOMINATION is inducted into the Halls of Valhalla ABOMINATION is inducted into the Halls of Valhalla ABOMINATION is inducted into the Halls of Valhalla ABOMINATION is inducted into the Halls of Valhalla ABOMINATION is inducted into the Halls of Valhalla ABOMINATION is inducted into the Halls of Valhalla ABOMINATION is inducted into the Halls of Valhalla
Re: The Gaurdian

Very nice, I look forward to reading more!
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  #3  
Old January 24th, 2009, 06:56 AM
Alee_Brightberry Alee_Brightberry is offline
 
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Re: The Gaurdian

I hope you don't mind but I sort of "rewrote" your first paragraph this morning. I think it flows a bit better.

You asked for critiques - and this is the way I work best.

I think the story is going to be excellent.

*********************
To those who find this journal

My name is Seraph – I am a deserter from Utgar’s army. For three weeks I have hidden from him. I was Utgar’s Chief Summoner and I am sure that he will not take kindly to my leaving.

I am Kyrie, and as most of Utgar’s army, I am dragon-winged. At least being away from Utgar’s aura has returned my skin to its proper color.

My plan is simple, I must destroy the Utgar/Jandar Alliance. I have watched this war bring much suffering and hardship to my homeland, and can no longer be a part of the destruction.

I will use the ways of Summoning to create a new faction – A Seventh Faction – intent on saving the people of Valhalla.

I will be their Guardian.

Reality is for people who lack imagination.

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  #4  
Old January 24th, 2009, 07:32 AM
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Anthasu1 Anthasu1 is offline
 
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Re: The Gaurdian

Hope you don't mind if I use your entry. It does flow better than mine...
Anyways, later on today I'm gonna try to get part 2 up.
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  #5  
Old January 24th, 2009, 07:56 AM
Alee_Brightberry Alee_Brightberry is offline
 
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Re: The Gaurdian

Oh my -- thank you

Look for a PM

Reality is for people who lack imagination.

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  #6  
Old January 24th, 2009, 08:39 AM
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Anthasu1 Anthasu1 is offline
 
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Re: The Gaurdian

Edited the layout of the beginning. Also, this guy hates both Utgar and Jandar and his allies. They both are still fighting, but this Kyrie wants to end the war by killing both- although through *Ahem*-Underground- means.
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  #7  
Old January 24th, 2009, 08:53 AM
Alee_Brightberry Alee_Brightberry is offline
 
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Re: The Gaurdian

See how it "flows better"

look forward to more installments.

Alee

Reality is for people who lack imagination.

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  #8  
Old January 24th, 2009, 08:17 PM
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Anthasu1 Anthasu1 is offline
 
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Re: The Gaurdian

Entry #2

My army is coming into focus. I have summoned many creatures from the drake Raizel's homeland.

Among the new troops are Land Drakes from Icaria. These creatures resemble the raptor Tornak rides into battle.

Also from Icaria is the Fire Drake Feurstal, A Land Drake that appears to have fire coming out of his back. He gives off waves of heat as he walks.

I have also discovered a race from Feylund. They call themselves Elementals, and appear to be made entirely out of stone.

I also have a group of beings made entirely out of sand from the planet known as Grut. Fairly intelligent, they have the unique ability to change their form at will, and have also learned how to crystallize parts of their body, making miniature blades as well as claws. They are they Sarin.

The last soldier I summoned was a human assassin named Kyle from the year 2028. He is rather skilled at what he does. As a matter of fact, I have already given him his first mission.

Kyle slowly prowled the corridor of the castle. There were few guards at this time of day, obviously thinking no one would be stupid enough to try it. Or skilled enough to accomplish it, thought Kyle. He turned and saw a two Sentinels guarding the door. He raised his gun slowly.
This was the careful part. He ran towards the Sentinels, as time seemed to slow for him. He pulled off two shots before they could react. They fell, dead. Barely a whisper he thought, as he holstered the silenced gun. And that Seraph guy thought infiltrating Jandar's castle would be tough.

He opened the door, and there stood a knight in full armor.
"Well what do you know," remarked Kyle,"Like a little renaissance fair"
The knight seemed surprised, but managed to state-
"I am Sir Denrick, slayer of giants and champion of the Knights of Weston! Who are you to challenge me?"
Great thought Kyle, a Guard. Nothing a little gunpowder won't fix. He raised the gun and emptied the clip- and watched in surprise as the bullets bounced off the armor.

"What..." he started as the Knight- Sir Denrick, apparently- charged him.
He popped out the blade on his right wrist, swinging at Denrick.
He missed, and denrick slashed at him, cutting through his left eye, and across his nose to the bottom right side of his face.

Kyle turned angrily to face Denrick.
"I am going to cut your head off!" Kyle yelled.
Sir Denrick kept a steady head and readied himself for the next attack- which never came. Denrick looked around.
Suddenly Kyle appeared right behind him, and slashed with the wrist blade. Denrick ducked, but still got a slight cut acroos his cheek.
"You seem to be a wothy opponent," Denrick said.
"I am going to enjoy this. A lot." Kyle stated, as he slashed again.

Denrick used his shield and blocked the strike, and tried to return the slash. Kyle backflipped and put a clip into his pistol. He turned around and fired point blank into Denrick's head. He took a deck of cards out. And put a Ten, a Two, and a One on the body. 13. His signature.
As he walked away, kyle remarked, "You should have stuck to Larping."

Kyle walked down to the royal quarter of the castle, to Jandar's room. He entered and walked slowly towards the hunched over figure at the strategy table. He activated his wrist blade, and slashed. The Jandar fell, dead. He left a ten and a three on the body.

Jandar's funeral was held the next day. it was a crippling blow to the Alliance. Denrick's body was burned after Jandar's. Drake Alexander, the Alliance's new leader, released information that it was an Utgar assassin, presumably Isamu, who committed the murder. drake looked at the cards he held, his only lead. Hopefully the scouts he sent to track the murderer were fast on the trail.

The next day, Kyle made it back to base, a giant cathedral. Kyle had lost his left eye in the fight with Denrick, as well as a permenant scar down his face that their medicine could do nothing about. Even the Sarin's advanced medicine couldn't heal it.

Seraph entered the room.
"I'm sorry for the loss of your eye." he told Kyle, "I trust the mision was a success?"
"It was." Kyle replied curtly.
suddenly one of the Sarin burst in. In their strange, raspy tones, it said
"They followed you. They are attacking."

The cries of battle had just started outside.

End Part 2

Last edited by Anthasu1; January 25th, 2009 at 07:52 AM.
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  #9  
Old January 25th, 2009, 02:08 AM
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Shermif Shermif is offline
 
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Re: The Gaurdian

I like it a lot. I can see this becoming popular. I especially like your creativity with new races!
Just a note... a King, a two, and a one add up to 16.
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  #10  
Old January 25th, 2009, 07:51 AM
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Anthasu1 Anthasu1 is offline
 
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Re: The Gaurdian

Quote:
Originally Posted by Shermif View Post
I like it a lot. I can see this becoming popular. I especially like your creativity with new races!
Just a note... a King, a two, and a one add up to 16.
No wonder my friend always wins blackjack... will fix.
EDIT: Just figured out I spelled Guardian wrong in title, can I fix this?
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  #11  
Old January 29th, 2009, 06:41 PM
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Anthasu1 Anthasu1 is offline
 
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Re: The Guardian

Entry #3

The Jandarian forces have caught up with Kyle.

I am surprised that amount of troops were able to move so quickly. They must have some sort of magic.

I witnessed this once in a battle, as all of Ullar's troops began moving faster, slaying the orcs Utgar had called. I remember as Grimnak had fallen in that battle. Utgar was furious.

The noises grow louder. The Jandarian forces have chosen a bad place to attack us. We are at an advantage. The Cathedral makes quite a fort.

Raizel clicked angrily as a bullet passed by from the the rifleman's gun. Summoning his energy, Raizel dove towards him. Strong gusts of wind billowed behind him, as the rifleman was thrown into the stone wall, making a sickening crack.

Raizels victory was short lived, as Knight came and slashed at him. Suddenly, the knight stopped and made a gurgling sound. Sand trickled out of his armor. One of the Sarin came out from behind him, his crystal claws red.
Raizel clicked a thank you, and sent him a mental message.
In his raspy speech, the Sarin said "Beware." and disappeared.

Kyle was watching the battle.
"I'm going out there"
He got up and grabbed his weaponry.

The fire drake Feurstal let off a roar. One of the Knights charging it stopped suddenly, and began screaming, his armor melting and fusing to his skin. The Knights slowed down, cautious at approaching this strange beast.

Kyle walked outside, into the battle. He shot at a rifleman, which he recognised from the history books as one of the 4th Massachusetts regiment. There was a winged man that charged him, who he easily cut down with his blade.

Seraph watched the battle. He looked, contemplating the situation. Somehow the Jandarian troops were advancing. He went to the summoning books, and found a name. Scirath.

Outside the battle wasn't going well. The Elementals were being decimated, and were given the call to retreat. The drakes managed to survive, but were slowly being destroyed. Feurstal was holding well, as his heat burned everything near him, and Raizel was too quick to be caught. Kyle was fighting to the east with the Sarin, who- although hard to kill- were being massacred be the knights.

Seraph finished the incantation. There was a golden dragon sitting in the pentacle, he looked at the winged man and questioned "Why, am I alive?"
The winged man answered simply, "To save my people."

There was a roar that broke the air as the gold dragon Scirith dived the enemies, spewing golden fire. He landed, and roaring again, spewed more fire from it's mouth.

The battle turned, as the gold dragon decimated the Jandarian troops.

After the battle, Kyle and seraph planned there next move when suddenly, Scirith flew in, saying "Blue men are coming from the south. Bearing Red colors."
"We won't survive another attack," stated Kyle, "And I'm not going on another suicide mission. I don't feel like dying again. There is a village to the south, we can hide in it."
"No." said Seraph, "I will not put those people in danger."
"So what would you have us do," remarked Kyle, "Surrender?"
Seraph smiled. "Exactly."

End Part 3
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  #12  
Old January 30th, 2009, 06:24 PM
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Claws of Death Claws of Death is offline
 
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Re: The Guardian- New Section Part 3

Wow. THIS IS AWESOME!!!!!! Do you mind if I have a battle that has Seraph's army in it? It'd be cool in my fanfic (but it's too early in the story right now in mine; Grievous hasn't broken away from utgar yet).

"People of Gotham! Take control.... take control of your city! THIS.... this is the instrument, of your liberation...."
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