General surprise

[Flame Gryphon]

Jandar stared across the battlefield. He heard Raelin shout to go into formations, and saw Utgar doing the same. Suddenly, Utgar turned, staring at Jandar. "You will die from this war, brother!" shouted Utgar, hopefuly, he would be wrong.

[Billtog]

What?

Why did you only write a few sentences?

[scorpiusx]

Hopefully you will continue this...

[Bach]

err...

It's... short.

[Onacara]

I voted for Absolutely Horrible becasue you are asking people to judge something based on 2 sentences.



Here is my new novel...


"The..."

What do you think?

[Onacara]

Originally Posted by Flame Gryphon

Jandar stared across the battlefield. He heard Raelin shout to go into formations, and saw Utgar doing the same. Suddenly, Utgar turned, staring at Jandar. "You will die from this war, brother!" shouted Utgar, hopefuly, he would be wrong.

I didn't know that Utgar was Desmond and Jandar was Charlie from Lost.

[zanter]

That was shorter then a history of lint.

It sounds like it would be nice, if it had length.

[Shades fan]

Originally Posted by Onacara

I didn't know that Utgar was Desmond and Jandar was Charlie from Lost.

Or that this is a rip-off of the Transformers movie.Where Megatron was OP's brother.
Just put a little thought in when you make a post.

[Onacara]

Originally Posted by Shades fan

Or that this is a rip-off of the Transformers movie.Where Megatron was OP's brother.
Just put a little thought in when you make a post.

So they are both Jewish?

[KevinWC]

Guys there is a difference between constructive criticism for someone's benefit and criticism to debase them.

Flame Gryphon: It is a great idea, but it needs more to it. I posted a story a few days ago which had a twist similar to yours, but I made sure there was some substance before the twist came. Try writing a little about the battle that is taking place or a fight between Jandar and Utgar or something. Have fun writing!

[Bach]

Originally Posted by Onacara

Here is my new novel...


"The..."

What do you think?

I love it! You cyberclawed me with that first word, and the ending left me stunned!

Keep it up!

[The Silver Surfer]

Originally Posted by Bach

I love it! You cyberclawed me with that first word, and the ending left me stunned!

Keep it up!

Ok, maybe I'm wrong, but to me, you guys are sounding like complete jerks. If your going to voice your opinions, please do it in a way that is either constructive, or do it through the polls.

Now, for Flame Gryphon, Its not very good by its self, but it definately sounds like a good epiloge (sp?) or some other intro to a story, but not by itself. If you develope a story around it though, it could become very good indeed.