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Old November 8th, 2017, 11:48 PM
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Elven Lord Elven Lord is offline
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Kaia: Vendetta

Hey folks! I've been working my tail off for about a year now writing a new fanfiction. I still have A LOT of work to do on it before it's ready to be posted in full. However, I've worked really hard on this, and I'm confident that I will be able to finish it inside another few weeks (I have almost sixty pages of content so far). I just wanted to share with you a sneak peak of the opening chapter. Let me know what you think!

Chapter 1: Boon
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Chapter 2: Beauty on the Battlefield
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Chapter 3: Medicine and Rest
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Chapter 4: The Bastard's Rebellion (Part 1)
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Chapter 5: Dinner with the Young Boy-ar
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Chapter 6: The Library

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Chapter 8: Mahostovis

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Chapter 9: Valdyr's Courtyard

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Chapter 10: Strategy and Tactics
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Chapter 11: Dispatches

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In progress fan fic; Kaia Vendetta

Slink's story can be found here.

Last edited by Elven Lord; August 5th, 2022 at 05:35 PM.
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  #2  
Old November 9th, 2017, 12:42 AM
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The Grim Reaper's Friend The Grim Reaper's Friend is offline
He should definitely get that. (#4)
 
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Re: Kaya: Vendetta

Looking good! In the vein of being a brutally honest critic, I was expecting another short lived fan fiction, but sixty pages in put my doubts to rest. There's a lot of places this tale could go, and I like the flavor of it.

Holding true to my reputation as a grammar Nazi, I feel compelled to suggest that you embrace the comma as your best friend. It's there to strike clarity into the heart of your sentences - use it freely.

Beyond that, you had a few instances where it wasn't clear which pronouns went with who or what, and once or twice you left out an article which would have helped smooth things out, and your punctuation within the quotes was... interesting at times - but seriously, I'm nitpicking here.

I feel like the two things which could be improved the most were the first quote and the two paragraphs near the end:

Quote:
“That rabble?” The lord waved his hand idly behind his back, “Could not stand up to a party of no more than sixty Nords when there was a full company of them,” he said bitterly.
Either the second quote is a continuation of the first, and so not capitalized, or it is a new sentence and you're missing the word 'They'. One or the other. You can't have both.
Quote:
Then like a boon from heaven, a war-horn sounded in the black, followed at once by the steady pounding of hooves. It was the bandits' turn to be caught off guard as a party of horsemen rounded a bend in the road and descended upon them. None carried torches, but rode through the night like they were born in the saddle, trusting to their horses' senses. Sword and axe rose and fell with practiced and glorious ease, and the bandits fell like wheat before a scythe. The remnants of the band scattered before the audacious attack.

Their leader, following close behind, was dropped by an arrow to the heel, fired from the back of powerful Sarranid charger. His men abandoned him in their terror, and he cursed their fleeing backs. The rider guided the desert charger to where Valdyr stood, still trying to take everything in. When he recovered himself his words came out in a gush, “Thank you for your help sir! Your timing was legendary! Please! Remove your helmet that I may look upon your face, and thank the man who saved my life.”
I have to be honest... I didn't know what was happening in these two paragraphs on the first read through. I got the gist (savior comes in, bandits dispersed, leader dead, yep, next paragraph), but a few dangling pronouns and absent articles made it difficult. I added in a few commas and apostrophes where they would have helped. I underlined the pronouns which weren't clear.

Obviously you can tell who goes with what if you look at it, but you want the reader's experience to be smooth, so he can go beyond the words and get at the story. The 'trusting to their horses' senses' line seems kind of obvious, but it's the 'them' in the previous sentence - referring to the bandits, which throws things off. Picky, but it could still be a bit confusing.

The second 'Their' I have underlined is kind of in the same vein. You were talking about the bandits, but with the saviors being an unknown at the moment, we're expecting some more details about them. That, coupled with the new paragraph, and the fact that the last reference to the bandits was 'the band' (which could go either way) serves to put things on a shaky ground. When in doubt, re-solidify who you're talking about. Yes, repetition is bad. Confusion is way worse.

Do note that slight grammar imperfections are the bane of my existence, so realize that I am by far overboard compared to practically anyone else. Except maybe Bigga.

Just... proofread it and check for how easy it is to envision everything.

Keep up the good work!

~TGRF, solidifying his grammar reputation. Again.

Go to my website to read my fan fiction!

Writing Status: Writing...
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Last edited by The Grim Reaper's Friend; November 9th, 2017 at 03:18 PM. Reason: And apparently I need to proofread my own posts better as well...
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  #3  
Old November 9th, 2017, 03:19 PM
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Elven Lord Elven Lord is offline
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Re: Kaya: Vendetta

Thank you, my good friend. I'm always happy to receive constructive criticism. Honestly, most of the work that needs doing is editing and revising for clarity, but I do have another 5-10 chapters to go before finishing. I also have to tighten up some plot points and expand on some details. You're absolutely right. That portion should be clear as a whistle since it is a very important plot point.

As for my tendency toward short-live fan fics. I really took some time to think about why I was doing that, and realized I was doing what I had done when I was a kid, writing each new installation on the DAY that I was posting it. This made for a less than pleasing piece, lots of errors in grammar, and no small amount of discouragement when I perceived that folks weren't really reading it. This time, I told myself I would all but finish the fan fiction before posting the first chapter. I hope to get the second chapter out sometime next week. The plan is to move forward slowly at first to let this thing grow a little more, but pick up speed once I feel better about how all the different plot points are coming together.

EDIT: I made some changes for the sake of clarity/detail, and implemented your suggestions.

In progress fan fic; Kaia Vendetta

Slink's story can be found here.
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  #4  
Old November 9th, 2017, 04:13 PM
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The Grim Reaper's Friend The Grim Reaper's Friend is offline
He should definitely get that. (#4)
 
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Re: Kaya: Vendetta

Quote:
Originally Posted by Elven Lord View Post
Thank you, my good friend. I'm always happy to receive constructive criticism. Honestly, most of the work that needs doing is editing and revising for clarity, but I do have another 5-10 chapters to go before finishing. I also have to tighten up some plot points and expand on some details. You're absolutely right. That portion should be clear as a whistle since it is a very important plot point.

As for my tendency toward short-live fan fics. I really took some time to think about why I was doing that, and realized I was doing what I had done when I was a kid, writing each new installation on the DAY that I was posting it. This made for a less than pleasing piece, lots of errors in grammar, and no small amount of discouragement when I perceived that folks weren't really reading it. This time, I told myself I would all but finish the fan fiction before posting the first chapter. I hope to get the second chapter out sometime next week. The plan is to move forward slowly at first to let this thing grow a little more, but pick up speed once I feel better about how all the different plot points are coming together.

EDIT: I made some changes for the sake of clarity/detail, and implemented your suggestions.
And don't feel pressured to post it right away, either. A lot of people suggest forgetting about your tale for a week or two, and then coming back to give it a final pass with a fresh mind. I don't do that enough, but it is good advice.

~TGRF.

Go to my website to read my fan fiction!

Writing Status: Writing...
Spoiler Alert!

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  #5  
Old August 20th, 2018, 07:30 PM
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Elven Lord Elven Lord is offline
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Re: Kaya: Vendetta

Sooo, I talked to several people about the story and they really like it! Suggested I publish it actually. One suggested that posting parts of it online could jeopardize publication so I won't be putting it here. Sorry!

In progress fan fic; Kaia Vendetta

Slink's story can be found here.
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  #6  
Old August 20th, 2018, 07:39 PM
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The Grim Reaper's Friend The Grim Reaper's Friend is offline
He should definitely get that. (#4)
 
Join Date: September 19, 2010
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Re: Kaya: Vendetta

Quote:
Originally Posted by Elven Lord View Post
Sooo, I talked to several people about the story and they really like it! Suggested I publish it actually. One suggested that posting parts of it online could jeopardize publication so I won't be putting it here. Sorry!
Hey, great job! I would recommend self-publishing. You do everything yourself (including marketing), but that means you make a lot more than traditional publishing. You also avoid the minefield known as publishing houses.



~TGRF.



P.S. I thought it was based on the world of a game though... isn't that a copyright issue?

Go to my website to read my fan fiction!

Writing Status: Writing...
Spoiler Alert!

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  #7  
Old June 26th, 2022, 07:08 PM
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Elven Lord Elven Lord is offline
That's right! He can be taught!
 
Join Date: June 28, 2009
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Re: Kaya: Vendetta

Quote:
Originally Posted by The Grim Reaper's Friend View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by Elven Lord View Post
Sooo, I talked to several people about the story and they really like it! Suggested I publish it actually. One suggested that posting parts of it online could jeopardize publication so I won't be putting it here. Sorry!
Hey, great job! I would recommend self-publishing. You do everything yourself (including marketing), but that means you make a lot more than traditional publishing. You also avoid the minefield known as publishing houses.



~TGRF.



P.S. I thought it was based on the world of a game though... isn't that a copyright issue?
Uhhh, yeah, I guess it is. Blast. I never finished it . Along with...well...pretty much everything else. I'm getting better about that...I think. At least, I'm building some base disciplines into my life like walking at least 5000 steps a day, drinking at least 3 liters of water, meditating 30 minutes or more, reading, writing, not drinking alcohol except when out with friends or on dates.

Basically doing all the disciplinary work my...well, that's enough from me on that I think.

In progress fan fic; Kaia Vendetta

Slink's story can be found here.
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  #8  
Old June 28th, 2022, 01:10 PM
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The Grim Reaper's Friend The Grim Reaper's Friend is offline
He should definitely get that. (#4)
 
Join Date: September 19, 2010
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Re: Kaya: Vendetta

Quote:
Originally Posted by Elven Lord View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by The Grim Reaper's Friend View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by Elven Lord View Post
Sooo, I talked to several people about the story and they really like it! Suggested I publish it actually. One suggested that posting parts of it online could jeopardize publication so I won't be putting it here. Sorry!
Hey, great job! I would recommend self-publishing. You do everything yourself (including marketing), but that means you make a lot more than traditional publishing. You also avoid the minefield known as publishing houses.

~TGRF.

P.S. I thought it was based on the world of a game though... isn't that a copyright issue?
Uhhh, yeah, I guess it is. Blast. I never finished it . Along with...well...pretty much everything else. I'm getting better about that...I think. At least, I'm building some base disciplines into my life like walking at least 5000 steps a day, drinking at least 3 liters of water, meditating 30 minutes or more, reading, writing, not drinking alcohol except when out with friends or on dates.

Basically doing all the disciplinary work my...well, that's enough from me on that I think.
Interest shifts, I get it. The important thing is to never stop writing. If you don't have any ideas, be sure to at least keep reading quality literature, as it will keep your writing skills sharp. And who knows? Maybe one day you'll finish up all the fan fictions you started. That's what I did with Valhalla Reborn after all.

~TGRF.

Go to my website to read my fan fiction!

Writing Status: Writing...
Spoiler Alert!

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  #9  
Old June 28th, 2022, 03:25 PM
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Elven Lord Elven Lord is offline
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Re: Kaya: Vendetta

Quote:
Originally Posted by The Grim Reaper's Friend View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by Elven Lord View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by The Grim Reaper's Friend View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by Elven Lord View Post
Sooo, I talked to several people about the story and they really like it! Suggested I publish it actually. One suggested that posting parts of it online could jeopardize publication so I won't be putting it here. Sorry!
Hey, great job! I would recommend self-publishing. You do everything yourself (including marketing), but that means you make a lot more than traditional publishing. You also avoid the minefield known as publishing houses.

~TGRF.

P.S. I thought it was based on the world of a game though... isn't that a copyright issue?
Uhhh, yeah, I guess it is. Blast. I never finished it . Along with...well...pretty much everything else. I'm getting better about that...I think. At least, I'm building some base disciplines into my life like walking at least 5000 steps a day, drinking at least 3 liters of water, meditating 30 minutes or more, reading, writing, not drinking alcohol except when out with friends or on dates.

Basically doing all the disciplinary work my...well, that's enough from me on that I think.
Interest shifts, I get it. The important thing is to never stop writing. If you don't have any ideas, be sure to at least keep reading quality literature, as it will keep your writing skills sharp. And who knows? Maybe one day you'll finish up all the fan fictions you started. That's what I did with Valhalla Reborn after all.

~TGRF.
I'm rereading/editing Kaya, and it's trash. like literal trash. It reads like a graphic novel

In progress fan fic; Kaia Vendetta

Slink's story can be found here.
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  #10  
Old June 29th, 2022, 01:18 PM
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The Grim Reaper's Friend The Grim Reaper's Friend is offline
He should definitely get that. (#4)
 
Join Date: September 19, 2010
Location: USA - ID - Post Falls
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Re: Kaya: Vendetta

Quote:
Originally Posted by Elven Lord View Post
I'm rereading/editing Kaya, and it's trash. like literal trash. It reads like a graphic novel
Don't be too hard on yourself. An author is always his worst critic. If I listened to half of my criticisms on my own work, you'd probably never have seen it.

The important thing is just to keep writing and keep reading (quality!) literature, and your writing will get better, whether your inner critic thinks so or not. This is where unbiased and honest feedback comes in handy.

~TGRF.

Go to my website to read my fan fiction!

Writing Status: Writing...
Spoiler Alert!

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  #11  
Old June 29th, 2022, 01:38 PM
The Grim Reaper's Friend's Avatar
The Grim Reaper's Friend The Grim Reaper's Friend is offline
He should definitely get that. (#4)
 
Join Date: September 19, 2010
Location: USA - ID - Post Falls
Posts: 7,488
Images: 8
Blog Entries: 106
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Re: Kaya: Vendetta

Just to prove my point, I went back and reread the first chapter, and am going to rate this a solid 7. The only issues it has are some random minor grammar things, and dialogue which seems perhaps a bit out of place in the otherwise medieval-esque setting.

However, I could easily follow the action, and you did a good job painting the picture, both of the setting, and of the prevalent emotions of what was left of the army. Honestly, it's a solid opening which could go anywhere.

My only real criticism would be to introduce the names slower. Too many foreign titles and the reader gets confused. Also be sure that when you do introduce a character, establish the name you are going to call them by. You establish the main character of the chapter as 'Boyar Kumipa', but then refer to him as 'Valdyr', which did certainly throw me.

Now I seem to recall there being more to this story, so I'm guessing you removed that. But what is there is certainly not trash. It is plenty good on its own, has potential to become an excellent story, and shows that you can write quite well.

~TGRF.

Go to my website to read my fan fiction!

Writing Status: Writing...
Spoiler Alert!

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  #12  
Old July 1st, 2022, 08:15 AM
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Elven Lord Elven Lord is offline
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Re: Kaya: Vendetta

@AMIS just gave me rep and said they're waiting "impatiently for more" lol, maybe I should hurry up and get on with the final writing. As it happens, I have spent a few days cleaning up some chapters, but it's far from ready. Let me see what I can do over the holiday weekend.

EDIT: @AMIS You fished your wish. Turns out I actually already did a re-write something like 3 or 4 years ago and forgot about it. The greatly updated chapter one has replaced the trash that was there before. I should be able to post a new chapter every few days.

In progress fan fic; Kaia Vendetta

Slink's story can be found here.

Last edited by Elven Lord; July 1st, 2022 at 08:49 AM.
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