News Headline Add-Ons

[davidlhsl]

See bombs hit fake warship. "You sank my battleship!!!"
(Bill) O'Reilly scrutinized for nun story. Is that the one where she, an accountant, and a duck walk into a bar?
2,500 train cars dumped in sea. Talk about your sore loser in "Ticket to Ride."
Top natural wonders ranked. I sure hope the McLand Air Sea Burger made the list. (Google that at your own risk. I'm tempted to try it, though.)
One of America's oldest malls is closing due to a zombie outbreak. Gotta love Dawn of the Dead.
Police shot at man 17 times. Guess he needs more time at the firing range.
Weirdest items seized by airport security. They took my cardboard Lindsey Lohan standup!
Art class allows you to smoke pot and paint. Looks like I need to sign up for some art classes!
Christina Aguilera's dead-on Britney Spears impression. That was really challenging for her, because Christina can actually sing.
Octopus leaps out of water, grabs crab - now for a limited time at Red Lobster.
London recruiting cyber warriors to battle the Daleks.

[Koolster25]

China Celebrates Year of the Sheepwith lamb roast
Doing good outweighs danger by almost 3 grams
Oregon's Kate Brown blazes own trail arrested for destruction of public property
Totally Pumped this was a how-to sent to Bill Belichick to practice during the off-season

[mac122]

North Korea fires short-range missiles off coast. "North Korea: putting the "miss" in missiles like no one else can!"

Chatty machines? Future computers could communicate like humans heralding the greatest slowdown in computing history.

Archaeologists find mass grave under Paris supermarket. I told them the escargot had gone bad, but did they listen?

[davidlhsl]

Inside the world's smartest cruise ship: it has the sense to sink before leaving port. Man, I need to take a cruise!
Goodyear tires could power electric cars. What, no battery?
2,300-year-old treasure found in cave. Good to see Larry King back in the news.
Miles O'Brien: Losing my arm made me better person. Losing my head made me a better person.
Tourists stunned when buffalo does this. If it involves balancing the federal budget, we should replace Congress with him.
Lindsey Graham: I've never sent an email. Wouldn't it be funny if he posted that to his Twitter account?
Laser weapon melts truck engine. I was never any good at Grand Theft Auto.
The end of ATM cards? Since I'm out of money, why not?
Bill Clinton in his element: Helium. I don't understand anything he's saying, but his voice sounds hilarious!
Future for a circus without elephants? Weight Watchers ruins everything!
It's settled: How to pronounce 'GIF'. Great. Now how about working on that Middle East problem.
TSA found dog in checked luggage. Thankfully, my circus elephant cleared customs without anyone noticing.
Conan gives fake CNN report, making him no different than the regular anchors on the network.

[mac122]

Idaho fugitive nabbed after posting his batting practice plans on Facebook. Swing and a miss!

Police capture online suitor who allegedly stole woman's car during their first date. Admittedly, not the best way to make sure she calls again.

25 robots set to compete in ambitious contest this summer to see who can track down the most Sarah Connors.

What Apple could do with its Mt. Olympus of cash. Maybe find a deserving mid-western Scaper to give some to?

[Marro_Warlord]

Originally Posted by mac122

What Apple could do with its Mt. Olympus of cash. Maybe find a deserving mid-western Scaper to give some to?

Or kickstart Heroscape again. Love these.

[mac122]

Thanks, MW!
These just in...
America's unhealthiest fast foods. Great timing! I was making lunch plans for tomorrow.

What happens when someone falls off a cruise ship? First, a big splash...

Cars and trucks we can't have...but definitely want. That's pretty much anything above a used Escort.

Secret hideout helped penguins survive the Ice Age while another secret hideout helped Penguin hide from Batman.

Cain elated after flawless return to mound. Now, to throw a pitch.

[Porkins]

Originally Posted by mac122

25 robots set to compete in ambitious contest this summer to see who can track down the most Sarah Connors.

This one made me laugh!

[mac122]

Bieber's pastor: He teaches me everything I need to know about Hell.

'Frozen 2' officially announced by Disney. If you listen closely, you can already hear the money trucks backing up to the Magic Kingdom.

'Jeopardy' player ends up in the final round all alone after first ever kill-or-be-killed Double Jeopardy round.

Surfer Uses His Sport as a Platform for Good. What a nice break from all the evil surfers out there wreaking havoc on the world.

[davidlhsl]

Putin reappears after absence, but questions swirl concerning his whereabouts during the disappearance of 3 sticks of Jack Links Beef Jerky from the Hwy 70 Quik-Mart. You do not mess with Sasquatch!
Saddam's tomb destroyed to make way for a new Quik-Mart. Progress, people!
Real estate heir caught saying he 'killed them all'. Talk about your Freudian slips!
Bieber ends Comedy Central roast with humility. Let me know when he decides to end his career.
How to drink like an American: Burt's Beer!
81-year-old man attacked by fire ants. I wonder if Medicare covers that.
Dairy Queen is giving away ice cream. I wish Victoria's Secret would run a similar promotion.
'Jeopardy!' host: 'Not one of our greatest days'. Yeah, Celebrity Jeopardy with Justin Bieber, Charlie Sheen, and Lindsay Lohan had disaster written all over it.
President surprises wounded warrior with an FTD Pick-Me-Up Bouquet.
U.S. armored convoy to send message to Russia. Has Western Union gone too far?
Cyclone Pam: 'Worse than the worst-case scenario'. She can't be any worse than my ex-wife. (for the record, I've never been married, but one simply does not pass up ex-wife jokes when they present themselves)
Up close in the brutal world of a female fight club. Speaking of my ex-wife...
New rolling spy-bot can even swim upstream in order to spawn, just like salmon!
What exactly is Meerkat? Answer: the secret to McDonald's tasty McRib.
Rethinking tech with a circular smartphone that gives you the runaround.

[mac122]

Eagle with camera shows off stunning bird's-eye flight from tallest skyscraper and dozens of boring photos of most recent family vacation.

NASA tests gecko gripping technology to use in space. Because you don't want to lose your gecko on a space walk.

600 Indian students expelled after footage shows parents scaling walls to pass cheat sheets. In other news, 600 Indian parents now have new jobs in construction, window washing, and cat burglary.

You Won't Believe What Paris Hilton is Doing Now nor will you care.

The World's Oldest Person Turns 117. Doesn't look a day over 116.

Bryant adds to stats with two homers vs. M's. Will face tougher challenges later in the alphabet.

Watch these Army troopers make an impossibly cool entrance into Alamodome, then flank left to capture the concession stand behind section 242.

[davidlhsl]

Rarer -- and cuter -- than a panda: Me!
What nutritionists would eat at McDonald's: whatever food they brought with them.
Organic food company recalls products. Sounds like time to eat at McDonalds.
USPS worker caught on camera tossing package. That's the last time I order my rare china tea set online.
Wee little lamb charms New Yorkers. Yes, I love gyros!
(Ted) Cruz running to win or to run? Neither, based on that growling bear that's chasing him around the parking lot.
Porn stars find new homes. Nothing more depressing than a homeless porn star!
State to allow firing squads. They'd offer you a blindfold and a cigarette, but it violates the state's smoking ban.
Singer hits jogger at 50 mph. "I can't drive -- 55!!!"
Feel like a chef, even if you can't cook. Gotta love Rachel Ray!
Dinner made easy -- you don't even have to shop. You just have to feel like a chef.
Startup lets you hire someone to do just about anything. It's true! I pay mac122 $500 a week for his hilarious headline add-ons!