Dawn of Darkness - A HeroScape Fan Fiction

[TGRF]

Greetings one and all. I'm back.

Welcome to Dawn of Darkness, a sequel to Valkyrie. If you haven't read Valkyrie, or it's been awhile, I would suggest checking it out before you start this story.

This is a lengthier tale than my normal fan fictions, weighing in at 147 pages and around 70K words. Despite the title, it isn't much darker than anything else I've written. It centers on Valhalla, and the events following Valkyrie.

Everything you need to know can be found in the introduction, which I will link below. Some quick things to note: if at any point in the text you come across a paragraph which simply says 'BREAK', let me know. That's a divider I forgot to put in. Also, if any text within the story itself appears to be a link which goes nowhere, also let me know. That's Wordpress being weird.

You can start reading here, with the Introduction. As always, the fan fiction is posted on my website, and said website is owned by me and devoid of ads or background programs.

Finally, if you read this tale, please consider leaving feedback. Any kind of constructive feedback is greatly appreciated, as it makes my writing better.

I hope you enjoy the tale, and I'll see you on the other side.

~TGRF.

[TheAverageFan]

Sorry it took so long for me to comment. I've been busy these last few days. I've read up to Ch. 2.

Spoiler Alert!

So far it's definitely different from Valkyrie. The chapters are significantly longer and less blunt than the original, and so far Taelord is our only PoV. I wonder if he will remain the protagonist for the rest of the story. It makes sense since he has more doubts and questions than our heroes might. Like Dilmir this sequel seems to be themed around the idea that things aren't so easy or so black and white than the original proposed. Which I always really like

I had to check to see if Ahnvad being Taelord's father was a retcon or not, because I could've swore if that was a thing in the original he'd have mentioned it at some point. But when he goes into his backstory to Runa he has cause to be vague because his role as a spy isn't revealed yet.

It seems like Taelord will inevitably have some conflict with Utgar as the notion of peace is made impossible. Curious how it'll end up, since we know he remains a loyal lieutenant to Utgar come Heroscape canon. If we get that far.

~TAF

[TGRF]

Spoiler Alert!

Originally Posted by TheAverageFan

I had to check to see if Ahnvad being Taelord's father was a retcon or not, because I could've swore if that was a thing in the original he'd have mentioned it at some point. But when he goes into his backstory to Runa he has cause to be vague because his role as a spy isn't revealed yet.

I did actually know Ahnvad was Taelord's father when I wrote Valkyrie. That was always part of his backstory, he just never had occasion to reveal it. He didn't really want to let anyone know he was the son of the guy trying to kill them all.

Some chapters are going to be longer than others. I tried to keep them around my 5 page average, but there are some super short ones in there, and a few which go over a few pages.

~TGRF.

[TheAverageFan]

Ch. 3 + 4:

Spoiler Alert!

Ch.3

I like the little details of what Taelord is wearing and how his sword keeps beating on his back: it goes a long way to paint the picture of the heat and the long journey more than just saying those things would.

“They’ve always been afraid of you,” the soldier continued. No one in Kinsland ever liked the idea of the Volcarren being so close. There were always tales of some barbarian from the Volcarren killing a group of soldiers, or assassinating a commander… now that you’re free? They’ll be quaking in their boots.”

There's a quotation mark missing after the soldier continued.

The first Volcarren nodded. “Utgar might be content to make some deal with the Empire,” he said, “but I’m not. My family was slain by Imperial soldiers – I’ll bathe my blade in their blood before there’s any talk of peace.”

Bro is literally talking to (albeit turncloak) imperial soldiers as he says this That may be intentional actually, if there's a certain degree of unawareness to the Volcarren bloodlust, or hypocrisy on the soldiers' part as they nod to this very statement


Ch. 4

Finally our first Utgar PoV. I like his dilemma here: as his own goals are undeniably different than that of his army, and it's ambiguous if the Empire's offers are genuine or a trick. There's nothing simple or easy about his diplomacy choices here.

I'm curious if we will actually get to see Haukeland—it's a very cool and underutilized part of the Valhallan map that's always stirred my interest.

I've made this comparison to other parts of your work, but the dilemma here thus far really reminds me of Dune: Messiah: how little control even a Valkyrie can ultimately possess when it comes to the course of war. The Volcarrens it seems could very easily have been unleashed rather than freed. But we'll see if it comes to that

One thing I'm curious about are the sealed wellsprings. Surely if the Empire's back is put in the corner by Utgar they will unseal their wellsprings to make Valkyrie of their own in retaliation, no? This should be a serious concern for those in Utgar's camp who think they could overtake the Empire easily. Maybe there's an explanation in the text somehwhere.

Yiven stammered incoherently for a moment, until one of his advisors leaned forward and whispered to him. He regained his composure as she spoke.

“This is suitable,” he said, facing Utgar once more.

I can't tell if this is a typo or if Yiven's advisor is female.


I'm looking forward to seeing how this all spirals out of control Obviously I'm hedging my bets on that no-good Vydar undercutting Utgar's authority in order to spark war. As usual

~TAF

[TGRF]

Spoiler Alert!

Bro is literally talking to (albeit turncloak) imperial soldiers as he says this That may be intentional actually, if there's a certain degree of unawareness to the Volcarren bloodlust, or hypocrisy on the soldiers' part as they nod to this very statement

Yeah for some reason I didn't pick up on that while writing it, but did later when I proofread. I could have changed it, but didn't because I felt like the soldiers had enough lack of mentions as it was, and I didn't want readers thinking 'where are the soldiers who surrendered?'. So kind of a weird interaction, but you can assume that the soldier is at least sympathetic to the Volcarren cause. A Volcarren posting was seen basically as a punishment for a soldier - they wanted to get out too.

I'm curious if we will actually get to see Haukeland—it's a very cool and underutilized part of the Valhallan map that's always stirred my interest.

One of the ideas I have for a short story does center on Haukeland, and is connected directly to DoD. It also fits the Fan Fic Contest prompt perfectly, so I was planning on releasing it there. It still remains to be seen if I actually write it, however. Currently nothing is in the works.

One thing I'm curious about are the sealed wellsprings. Surely if the Empire's back is put in the corner by Utgar they will unseal their wellsprings to make Valkyrie of their own in retaliation, no? This should be a serious concern for those in Utgar's camp who think they could overtake the Empire easily. Maybe there's an explanation in the text somehwhere.

The Empire actually cannot unseal their Wellsprings. Only a Valkyrie can unseal a Wellspring. I'm pretty sure that was mentioned in Valkyrie, but regardless I should have mentioned it in this story. It's a fairly important factor. Note that anyone with archkyrie magic (which can be learned) can seal a Wellspring however, given they have access to someone who drank from it (like Ahnvad had with Runa).

I can't tell if this is a typo or if Yiven's advisor is female.

Female advisor. There were too many 'he's' to keep everyone straight, and I felt like some variation in the delegation would also be a good thing.

Glad you're enjoying it so far. I look forward to more comments!

~TGRF.

[TheAverageFan]

Ch. 5-6

Spoiler Alert!

Ah, I see—so it's like the Curse in Dilmir: a one-way street established by those with power in order to end that power, and the game only works if everyone plays. Every sealed wellspring is a time-bomb now with Utgar and Runa about.

Ch.5
I don't have much to say about this one. Taelord can fly now. It's curious that the farmers would hate the empire so much. They must really hate the way Yiven runs things. But more is explained in the next chapter:


Ch.6
I like seeing (in theory) the way the actual War of the Valkyrie is beginning: with the north/south conflict of Valhalla taking the form of our traditional good guys up in the north, possibly even being the spiritual successors or parts of the Empire, with the rebels down south forming our initial bad guys of Utgar, Vydar, and Einar. Doing so recontextualizes our image of the war to come. If we do eventually meet Jandar and Ullar, and they are tied to the Empire, it'll change how we perceive them and their goals. Even if they are as noble as presented in the canon, a background with the Empire would still make the reader question things.

“Not a chance,” Rehs said with a laugh. I’ll sleep outside before you do. We don’t have any extra beds, but we’ll be able to find you some straw to sleep on, and my mother has extra blankets.”

Again no quotation on the second dialog line.

~TAF

[TGRF]

Spoiler Alert!

Originally Posted by TheAverageFan

I like seeing (in theory) the way the actual War of the Valkyrie is beginning: with the north/south conflict of Valhalla taking the form of our traditional good guys up in the north, possibly even being the spiritual successors or parts of the Empire, with the rebels down south forming our initial bad guys of Utgar, Vydar, and Einar. Doing so recontextualizes our image of the war to come. If we do eventually meet Jandar and Ullar, and they are tied to the Empire, it'll change how we perceive them and their goals. Even if they are as noble as presented in the canon, a background with the Empire would still make the reader question things.

I will say that thanks to your reviews, I've moved away from the traditional idea of 'bad guys' and 'good guys', and explored more motivations and gray characters. Which I think is definitely an improvement in making characters believable and really being able to explore both sides of a disagreement. Both in fiction in just in general. So thanks for that.

~TGRF.

[TheAverageFan]

Originally Posted by TGRF

Spoiler Alert!

I will say that thanks to your reviews, I've moved away from the traditional idea of 'bad guys' and 'good guys', and explored more motivations and gray characters. Which I think is definitely an improvement in making characters believable and really being able to explore both sides of a disagreement. Both in fiction in just in general. So thanks for that.

~TGRF.

Spoiler Alert!

That’s quite the compliment

There’s nothing wrong with traditional good guys and bad guys, but things that (dare I say) subvert or defy those models can really pique our interests as readers because it surprises us or makes us think. When I’m not sure what’s the right thing for a character to do or aren’t sure what they’ll ultimately choose to do, it makes it so I can’t predict what’ll happen next, and this typically makes me become highly interested

~TAF

[TheAverageFan]

Ch. 7-8

Spoiler Alert!

Ch. 7

From his vantage point, he could see a multitude of tiny points of light, firelight spilling through windows or open doors.

This probably can't be helped, but both point and light are used twice in one sentence and it catches my eye while reading.

I like the internal conflict brewing in Utgar here. He's being forced into a leadership position when he only really wants what's best for himself and Runa, but it also suits him well and he knows oppression when he can see it. He may come to accept the role of a conquering hero, and from there come to accept the role of a conqueror. I'd assumed he'd somehow be tricked or forced into it, but he might decide to fight of his own accord. Of the backstory of the Utgar we know in Heroscape, I don't want him to be tricked into being evil—I'd want his downfall to be his own fault as all great downfalls are. So this is a good development.


Ch.8

I'll admit I had a hard time keeping all the made up names of the villagers in order, but I think I've got it. Don't know what the daughter was laughing about though.

Trouble continues to brew, but it's been doing so gradually. This story has a significantly slower pace than the original which was a pretty lightning-fast read. It can take its time a great deal more which lends to believability (sometimes things going too fast gives the reader whiplash or doesn't let them settle enough to be surprised at turns). That being said, I'd be lying if I said it feels like a whole lot of consequence is happening right now, other than contemplating the general state of unrest and just waiting for the scouts to return. The meeting where they agreed to stay in this town occurred four chapters ago.

Apologies for going so slowly through this. My attention has been divided on something else.

~TAF

[TGRF]

Spoiler Alert!

This probably can't be helped, but both point and light are used twice in one sentence and it catches my eye while reading.

I'll admit I had to read the sentence at least three times just now before I caught it. Easily fixable though: change 'vantage point' to simply 'vantage' or 'where he stood', and change 'points of light' to something like 'glimmers'.

I'll admit I had a hard time keeping all the made up names of the villagers in order, but I think I've got it. Don't know what the daughter was laughing about though.

The glossary is there to help. There are a lot of names which crop up as the story goes, so definitely open the glossary in a new tab as you read and check it when necessary.

You might as well let Rehs show you the city,” she added. “He’s been talking about nothing else.”
Aiiva gave a giggle which she managed to turn into a passable cough.

This is meant to give a hint what Aiiva was laughing about; it's also completely unimportant. Familial jesting.

This story has a significantly slower pace than the original which was a pretty lightning-fast read. It can take its time a great deal more which lends to believability. That being said, I'd be lying if I said it feels like a whole lot of consequence is happening right now, other than contemplating the general state of unrest and just waiting for the scouts to return.

The early version of DoD seemed to escalate tension quickly and repeatedly, but when it came time to write this version - which I thought had maintained that element of tension - I found it to be lacking, especially in the early chapters. Which is odd, since the actual plot isn't that different, give or take a few elements. I'm not entirely certain what happened there. Rest assured, things should be picking up soon.

Apologies for going so slowly through this. My attention has been divided on something else.

~TGRF.

[TheAverageFan]

Ch. 9-12:

Spoiler Alert!

Ch9: I like exploring the ideas of feudalism/serfdom through Taelord's perspective; like yeah living life as barbarians scrounging the wilderness for food and survival isn't great but at least you're your own man—being a farmer tied to the land isn't too much better. Especially when the tradeoff of your lord protecting you in times of war isn't really a factor ever.

“And what does that mean? Freemen?”

What do you think it means?

I also like the situation we come across here, where intervening is the right thing to do but also... isn't really the Volcarrens' business. Is it right to intervene when you're visitors in a foreign land, especially with war teeming in the air? It's not really clear.


Typos:

“Storehouses,” Rehs said. “Every merchant has one – some have more. The merchants are constantly trading and buying – they need somewhere to put everything they have, so they put it here, close to the Rows and the boats. This way,” he said, “there will be more action by the docks.

There's no quote at the end, and the next paragraph isn't more of him talking so...


Ch10: A lot of discussing, and the number of named characters keeps swelling.

Ch11: As usual Utgar's perspective is interesting. Seeing through his PoV in this sequel though has really reminded me that (at least so far) Runa hasn't really been a thing in this story. She was so important in the last one and so far in this she's just kind of... been there also. I wonder if we'll get her perspective at some point like we did in the last one.

I'm starting to lean more into the perspective of the Volcarrens. War seems increasingly inevitable, and the Empire really does seem unpopular and for good reason. While they're in the area with two Valkyrie, they might as well get it over with like ripping off a band-aid

Ch12: We do get a bit of Runa here and she seems relatively detached. Runa in Valkyrie abhorred violence pretty strongly; I imagine she would want to strive for peace harder than just letting Dad handle it and hoping for the best. But we'll see what happens.

Rehs seems doomed. If violence breaks out there's no way he's just sneaking off with his family, and if he does stay and fight I can't imagine he'll make it. RIP in advance but perhaps it'll inspire someone or something

I like Taelord being tied to whatever happens, simply because he knows about the Wellspring. Now he'll never be able to escape even if there is peace. Obviously with the PoV and all the development in this so far he's really skyrocketed as the most interesting character in the cast thus far.

X at noon, eh? It seems like Ch. 13 might be our big catalyst

~TAF

[TGRF]

Spoiler Alert!

Originally Posted by TAF

Ch11: As usual Utgar's perspective is interesting. Seeing through his PoV in this sequel though has really reminded me that (at least so far) Runa hasn't really been a thing in this story. She was so important in the last one and so far in this she's just kind of... been there also. I wonder if we'll get her perspective at some point like we did in the last one.

Ch12: We do get a bit of Runa here and she seems relatively detached. Runa in Valkyrie abhorred violence pretty strongly; I imagine she would want to strive for peace harder than just letting Dad handle it and hoping for the best. But we'll see what happens.

One of the things I wish I had included was more time spent with Runa. She, Taelord, and Utgar are the three main characters of this tale, but aside from a few instances, I don't feel like she got the attention I intended. More on that in the Author's Note.

I should note that she doesn't specifically abhor violence. She's from the Volcarren, and grew up with Utgar. She's seen plenty of violence and knows it's necessary - or was - to survive. What she dislikes is eagerness to inflict violence. That's a distinction I should have made within the text.

~TGRF.