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Old August 16th, 2016, 01:01 AM
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It's Time to Let It Burn

Hey all,

I really just need to get some crap off my chest, and out of every place or person I could confide in, I just feel so much more comfortable pouring out my heart right here. I hope you all won't judge too much.

As of today, I have lost the best friend of the past four years of my life. Now before anyone jumps to conclusions, no she did not die. She is dead to me, she no longer has a place in my heart or among my thoughts, but she lives on in good health of body and of mind.

I suppose we became best friends the day she walked into swim practice to join my swim team. She was funny, sarcastic, sweet at times, always cheerful, and very talkative. Within an instant we were friends, and in a few days we were best friends. Friendships like these are rare, and a treasure to be a part of. We had so much fun together, we both knew the others deepest secrets,their current love interest, and the gossip that circulated throughout each of our friend groups. We were tight, and had each other's backs through thick and thin, and could easily know what the other was thinking in any given situation.

Now of course, being so close we were bound to bump heads and have off days. However, this typically resulted in her getting angry and me ending up trying to repair the damage, even if it wasn't my fault (you married folks probably know what that's like ). During this four year period I never once yelled at her or lost my temper. I always treated her with the utmost love and care because she was, in all respects save blood, my family.

One day this summer that impressive streak was broken. An argument between me and a friend got violent and my best friend stepped between us, sadly I blew up on her. I yelled at her and swore at her and many regrettable words were uttered. It took me about an hour to cool off and realize I was wrong, so I went and apologized to her. I did so on four occasions following the incident. I did so sincerely and with the utmost remorse. Begrudgingly, she finally forgave me.

After being forgiven, I couldn't help but think about all the times she blew up on me, and just how willing and happy I always was to forgive her. After all, we were best friends, how could I not forgive her? I thought about just how unfair this was, but then I recalled that this particular event is my fault, and I shouldn't be thinking about past events where she may have been wrong. Regardless of how I may have handled things with her previously, this was a separate issue and the previous problems are not related to it.

I tried talking to her and she seemed cold and stiff and I understood our relationship was strained and if not repaired with care, would soon collapse. So I set about rebuilding; after all, shouldn't I try and repair this amazing friendship? Today I texted her and was having a decent conversation, until things begin to move down hill, before I knew it we had hit a verticle drop... but this time it was not my fault. She made a comment, a comment about my personal life, a comment that she knew was sensitive. She cuts open this wound and proceeded to cascade salt into the gash she had reopened. This time something snapped, I left the tab in which we were texting and have not responded nor will I respond to her again. She had my heart as my best friend, I forgave her many times and accepted her with open arms when she was at fault. But when I was at fault she begrudgingly extended amnesty. And then as I worked ferishly to repair our broken friendship she spat in my face.

It's hard to invest so much love into someone only to be returned with contempt. The person whom I loved most yesterday, I hate most today. I know I have my faults, I know I have done my fair share of harm, but I did not ruin this friendship; she did, and it's time to let it burn.

~JS, sadly watching the ashes
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  #2  
Old August 16th, 2016, 01:44 AM
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Re: It's Time to Let It Burn

I'm sorry for your loss. Losing friends and relationships are never easy and I'm sorry this felt like the safest place you could go to. Though I hope you find hope in the fact that time can sometimes heal deep wounds. Or at the very least allow each of you to mature and gain a better perspective on the situation. I know I have gone through similar losses before, but then I would meet a new individual and have an even deeper friendship with them. It helps to realize that friendship is a unique social convention, in that the only thing keeping two people as friends is the amount of "like" each person has for the other, whereas something like marriage is based on a promise, involving multiple parties (although society seems to want to reduce that promise to the same level as friendship) thereby having greater consequences if the marriage is ended. With the idea that friendships are not stable to begin with, perhaps it would help to zoom out and see friendships with individuals as more fluid. If our lives are a beach and friendships are the waves that wash upon them then it helps to realize that there are ebbs and flows, friendships that may seem great and grand and long, yet will eventually fade. But it's okay when they fade because the water is always right there ready to bring a new wave... an insufficient metaphor I know but hopefully you get the idea, perhaps the bridge is burnt, or perhaps the tide has simply gone out for a time. Don't despair and also don't harbor bitterness because while she may have hurt you, being bitter about it does not effect her at all. It only stagnate and becomes septic in you.

Anyways I'm sure that's all stuff you knew and I'm rambling but I wanted to at least encourage you.
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Old August 16th, 2016, 01:52 AM
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Just Gonna Stand Here and Watch Me Burn

I feel for you JS. One of my family members and I have had a, the best phrase is, "rocky relationship" of late and it has reached levels hovering near what you're talking about (including one point where I thought our relationship was functionally over). It's much harder for me to excise someone so that might be the biggest difference.

I can't say this is the end or even what you should do. I hope things get patched up at some point but I'd be remiss if I'd say they should based on what I conjecture. I'm sorry this happened to you. If you need an ear to vent or talk or whatever, I'll be here as readily as I respond to PMs.

~Dysole, who'll keep you in her prayers
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Old August 16th, 2016, 01:28 PM
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Re: It's Time to Let It Burn

That is tough JS. It sounds, much like me, you are very loyal. A noble quality that is not always reciprocated. It seems so easy and natural and that is frustrating when someone seems unwilling or unable to do the same.

It is brushed aside for the moment and all is good, but that frustration builds over time and then there comes the tipping point. That can get ugly and then the regret of 'hurting' the other person.

I wish I could offer good advice. You are never going to be less loyal or care less than you do and never ever even consider it. The best I can really say is give it time and then reflection. Try to find a way to let it go(which is really the crux here, so much easier said than done). If you believe this choice will result in more happiness in the future then try to be happy with the choice.

Not many can burn a bridge like that, now the hard part is dropping any hard feelings. Try to remember the good times. The sun will shine again and friendships can bloom from anywhere.

I wish you the best.

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With the intimacy of destruction, One knows what it is to be alive
The empty sky holds no reflection, for sorrow
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  #5  
Old August 16th, 2016, 01:55 PM
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Re: It's Time to Let It Burn

There is not much I can add, that has not been said, but sometimes a resounding chorus of "Been there too" helps take the edge off.

Co-dependent relationships are tough. When one person is always "saving" the relationship by apologizing, forgiving and fixing, the other side is almost given a pass on being childish, which can lead to resentment on both sides. This is the reason my Ex is my Ex. Learning this lesson is the reason my wife is still my wife and will remain so.

I've learnt that it is better to let the other person cool down and figure out what the problem is, than it is for me to just hop in a fix everything. It is hard to just wait (especially when you are over the argument) but it seems to be warranted sometimes.


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  #6  
Old August 16th, 2016, 07:22 PM
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Re: It's Time to Let It Burn

sorry for your loss and i am glad you attempted to rebuild the relationship
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Old August 17th, 2016, 02:48 AM
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Re: It's Time to Let It Burn

There always has to be give and take in any relationship. If you are the only one trying to fix things all the time, maybe it is better left to burn. But, maybe I'm not the one to be giving any advice, I don't even have any facebook friends. Or a facebook account. My wife still puts up with me though. I do know that some one way friendships are best to let burn. Good luck.
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Old August 17th, 2016, 03:45 AM
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Re: It's Time to Let It Burn

Man, that is hard. Bringing up the past can be very hurtful and so I can totally understand how that must feel. I'd just echo many of the previous comments. For me, it takes me time to think over things when I get in an argument with my wife...I'm the one that may say hurtful things, but then I'm also the one that has to have my space and time before making up, forgiving/being forgiven and moving on. So I would look at this as a time - as previously mentioned - for reflection. Think about why you truly love her, why you have been so close, and what really has brought you so close together. Focusing on the positives of the relationships can help soften your heart. Deep wounds heal slowly...so give it time. From what it sounds like, this friendship is too good to let go just yet...so hang in there.
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Old August 17th, 2016, 11:20 AM
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Re: It's Time to Let It Burn

Change is hard, and scary. Regardless of what becomes of your relationship with this person, it is in a transition. Your relationship with her is part of your life, and therefore your life is in transition, as well.

Scary times, but it happens. I expect you'll land on your feet, though whether it is with this person, or without her, I couldn't say. It'll just be different. One day you'll realize you are standing on your own two feet, the earth has not swallowed you whole, and you have a path forward.

The good news is, you are learning about what you're made of.

You can do it.

p.s. Stop fighting with people.

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  #10  
Old August 17th, 2016, 11:23 PM
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Re: It's Time to Let It Burn

I wish to thank you all for your time, your thoughts, words of encouragement, and well-wishes. Unfortunately, thinking about it since the incident had occurred, it has only bolstered my belief that it is time this friendship is over. It was a friendship with rich history, and it is not something I ever seek to forget, but its sun has set. Damage has been done, a line was crossed that should not have been crossed, and I'm tired of doing the chasing. My grandmother tells me that it takes two cause a fight... well it sure does take two to fix one too.

Clearly, during the time we spent as friends, she meant more to me than I to her. I was what kept our friendship alive, and I'm tired of chasing after her even when she is at fault and the one who should do the chasing. It's like I was investing a lot and getting back very little recently, and I'm tired of it. If she wants to fix this she can give it her best shot, but as for me... well I will be moving on with my life. I'll live whether she is around or not.

This wasn't an easy decision, and most of my friends disagree with the course of action simply because once upon a time we were close. Unfortunately that ship has sailed and we are no longer close, so it is time to let go.

Thank you all s much for your thoughts, believe it or not, they helped me to make my decision.

~JS
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Old August 17th, 2016, 11:56 PM
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Re: It's Time to Let It Burn

Sometimes, when people are moping, I show them this video to take them out of their heads for a minute or two.
Spoiler Alert!


Now you've learned something about yourself, and you move on.

Also, for the love of all that is holy, stop getting in fistfights.*

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Last edited by Dad_Scaper; August 17th, 2016 at 11:57 PM. Reason: * Duh.
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Old August 18th, 2016, 12:13 AM
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Re: It's Time to Let It Burn

*chuckle* An adult and a soon-to-be-adult going at it is hardly becoming, I agree, and rest assured I will do my best to avoid doing so again.

Thanks, D_S!

~JS

Last edited by Joseph Sweeney; August 18th, 2016 at 12:13 AM. Reason: And for the vid which I shall watch momentarily
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