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  #1  
Old April 21st, 2011, 10:38 PM
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Tornado Tornado is offline
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Tales of Eslo

These are the tales of Eslo Rudkey. A trapper from the swamps of Michigan Territory. Cursed to carry a demon infused double barreled flintlock pistol. He can not die, for long, his companions are not so lucky.

Eslo and Eldgrim encounter a new Marro threat.
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Sprauge searches for Eslo (a story in a story) -comments on this story are between posts #4 through post #12-
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Eslo and the Barbarians (this was my original post, comments on post #2 and #3) This one is a little more intense/adult but still PG-13. I did extensive editing on the tense, thanks ollie and GRF
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Eslo and the Necromancers
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This is the original version of the Eslo and Eldgrim story. No Eldgrim in this one. It is heavily influenced by The Frost Giant's Daughter by Robert E Howard. This is also of the PG-13 nature.
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Special thanks to ollie and The Grim Reaper's Friend and also Elven Lord and Orcs Blade. I appreciate your time and comments.

A cloud can change its semblance, yet retain its will
With the intimacy of destruction, One knows what it is to be alive
The empty sky holds no reflection, for sorrow
- Eslo Rudkey

Last edited by Tornado; July 2nd, 2011 at 05:39 PM. Reason: New tales
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  #2  
Old April 28th, 2011, 08:10 PM
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The Grim Reaper's Friend The Grim Reaper's Friend is online now
He should definitely get that. (#4)
 
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Re: Tales of Eslo

Err... hmm...well... let's see. The first thing I notice is that it is DRASTICALLY different than any fan fic I have read. Eslo seems to me like your typical 'cool agent that doesn't care about death'. More so with Eslo since he can't die. Other than that, the content is fun to read (minus the swearing and drinking).
The next thing that I notice is repeatedly changing tenses. First it was happening and it is happening. This and the speech of the characters - which I realize is supposed to be like that - make the story difficult to follow in places.
I think, with a little improvement, it could be a fun read and get plenty of comments; but I'm sorry to say that right now, in its present form... well let's just say it could do with some revision.

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  #3  
Old April 30th, 2011, 10:35 AM
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Re: Tales of Eslo

Thanks for the input Grim I agree with you this is most likely not the best format for this character. I was really just hoping to get some input on the hero and what people thought of him as a lead character for multiple short stories or novels. Sorry about the 'tense issues', I also tend to drift between first and third person. I try to keep a better hold of that in more official writings but this one was for pure fun and credit for double EXP in a an RPG.
I am taking this tale down for awhile and I am replacing it with an easier read. If interest arises I will post it again in the future. Thanks to everyone who took time to read this. I hope you enjoy this next one... peace

A cloud can change its semblance, yet retain its will
With the intimacy of destruction, One knows what it is to be alive
The empty sky holds no reflection, for sorrow
- Eslo Rudkey

Last edited by Tornado; April 30th, 2011 at 10:53 AM. Reason: New tale is up in first post
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  #4  
Old April 30th, 2011, 05:33 PM
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Re: Tales of Eslo

Well, the tenses got better, although it was hard to tell what was the story and what was the story-in-a-story. The long sentences were hard to understand too. I just grabbed a sentence at random and reworded it, to show you what I'm talking about.
Quote:
Quote:
Fat Jack had ceased to clean during his pondering contemplating sightless off into one of those dark corners of the mind when the taverns door opens with its long telling whish of night air rushing in, silhouetted against the night stood a robbed figure of good height.
Fat Jack had ceased to clean as his pondering led him to one of those dark corners of the mind, when the tavern door was opened and a gust of night air rushed in. Silhouetted against the night stood a robed figure of good height.
The main problem is the lengthiness of your sentences. If you chop your sentences into smaller bits, the whole instantly becomes far more readable. After that, the words need to be fixed a bit. For example, I took "pondering contemplating sightless," and made it "contemplating." I also added a period. Finally, correct any spelling errors (I'm assuming that the priest wasn't robbed (robbers), but was robed (flowing robes).). Do that, and you will encourage far more replies from people.

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  #5  
Old May 1st, 2011, 11:00 AM
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Re: Tales of Eslo

Thanks again Grim. I truly appreciate your time and input. I should have noted that this has another writer involved. My friend who created the character had began this story about Eslo and I twisted it and inserted in Sprauge as the main focus. It starts as his writing then mine, his,mine, his, and ends with mine. I rarely edit his work but I will attempt to make the changes you suggested throughout the text. Many thanks

I have done a lot of editing and think I have tightened up the story. I think it will need some more but it has come a long ways. The run on sentences were too many and the story in a story was the whole point. I can not believe I messed up the editing on that. It is much better now. I hope you enjoy.

A cloud can change its semblance, yet retain its will
With the intimacy of destruction, One knows what it is to be alive
The empty sky holds no reflection, for sorrow
- Eslo Rudkey

Last edited by Tornado; May 1st, 2011 at 12:48 PM. Reason: much needed editing
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  #6  
Old May 1st, 2011, 09:23 PM
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Re: Tales of Eslo

It's definitely much better. There are still some grammar errors if you want to get really technical, but you can usually get away with that in a fan fic.

However, (I should have mentioned this sooner) I'm probably not the best judge of this particular fan fic for the simple reason that it's not... my type of fan fic you might say. The bar scene and a bunch of drunkards doesn't strike me as something I would choose to read. This is a good thing, though, because it means that you can describe the bar to the point where I don't like it because it is a bar. ... Confused?

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  #7  
Old May 1st, 2011, 09:47 PM
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Re: Tales of Eslo

I understand Grim and will be stepping away from Eslo for a bit. I will write some Heroscape fiction and see how that goes. Maybe if I can get some readers from 'scape fiction, I can try to introduce some more original fiction. Maybe Eslo will make an appearance in Valhalla. Only thing is how do you summon an immortal? One more time, thank you, I am hoping this will all lead to more and better writing... peace

A cloud can change its semblance, yet retain its will
With the intimacy of destruction, One knows what it is to be alive
The empty sky holds no reflection, for sorrow
- Eslo Rudkey
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  #8  
Old May 1st, 2011, 09:58 PM
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Elven Lord Elven Lord is offline
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Re: Tales of Eslo

I know I am. I go the main point of the story, and I enjoyed it very much. You certainly don't lack detail, but as Grim said, it could definitely use revision because of the GUM (Grammar usage and mechanics)

Slink's story can be found here.
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  #9  
Old May 1st, 2011, 11:20 PM
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Re: Tales of Eslo

Thanks Elven Lord. I can not take too much credit for most of the really descriptive writing. Most of that was written by my friend. My writing starts with the conversation between Sprauge and Jack. My friend also wrote the part where Jack talks about Eslo renting the room and the story in a story was his as well. Speaking of the story in a story, there should be an extended version of that on its way. My friend and I may post more stories elsewhere on the internet and if so I will provide a link. Thanks again for everyone who has read this.

A cloud can change its semblance, yet retain its will
With the intimacy of destruction, One knows what it is to be alive
The empty sky holds no reflection, for sorrow
- Eslo Rudkey
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  #10  
Old May 15th, 2011, 04:37 PM
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Elven Lord Elven Lord is offline
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Re: Tales of Eslo

Did you revise this? It looks a lot better. I think I really understand much better what's going on here.

Slink's story can be found here.
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  #11  
Old May 16th, 2011, 08:41 PM
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Tornado Tornado is offline
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Re: Tales of Eslo

Yes I did Elven Lord. Thank you for noticing and reading it again. Grim Reaper's Friend made some good suggestions and I cleaned up the story a lot. I am hoping to get the extended version posted soon and maybe some more tales. If anyone is interested in this character please let me know... peace

A cloud can change its semblance, yet retain its will
With the intimacy of destruction, One knows what it is to be alive
The empty sky holds no reflection, for sorrow
- Eslo Rudkey
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  #12  
Old May 17th, 2011, 04:48 PM
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Orcs Blade Orcs Blade is offline
 
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Re: Tales of Eslo

This story is looking very promising. I won't bother pointing out the flaws I found, as they have already been mentioned and mostly corrected. I think Eslo and Sprauge are very interesting characters, and I'm eager to hear more from them.

Keep writing!

~OB

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