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  #49  
Old September 20th, 2017, 12:18 AM
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TGRF TGRF is offline
He should definitely get that. (#4)
 
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Re: Have Luck

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Originally Posted by TheAverageFan View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by The Grim Reaper's Friend View Post
Until then though, I have a question: Where did you get the art you have at the beginning of every chapter? I just now noticed it.

~TGRF.
I made them; same as the title image. They were put in after the story was finished as part of that whole sprucing up business I mentioned awhile back.
How did you go about doing that? What program did you use? They look... not sure how to describe them. Legitimate?

~TGRF.
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  #50  
Old September 20th, 2017, 12:56 AM
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TheAverageFan TheAverageFan is online now
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Re: THE MOON HAS WINGS Ch. 25 - a zombie story

Good ol' Photoshop. Basic brush tool using colors close to Heroscaper's background and made slightly transparent. Then sized down to 75x75 pixels.

~TAF

TAF was the Storyteller...
in THE ENEMY'S LAST RETREAT

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  #51  
Old September 20th, 2017, 01:55 AM
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TGRF TGRF is offline
He should definitely get that. (#4)
 
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Re: THE MOON HAS WINGS Ch. 25 - a zombie story

Quote:
Originally Posted by TheAverageFan View Post
Good ol' Photoshop. Basic brush tool using colors close to Heroscaper's background and made slightly transparent. Then sized down to 75x75 pixels.

~TAF
... So you just drew them free-hand? I might need to hire you for cover design...

~TGRF.
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  #52  
Old March 16th, 2022, 11:29 PM
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TGRF TGRF is offline
He should definitely get that. (#4)
 
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Re: THE MOON HAS WINGS - a zombie story

Yes. This post is real. It's happening.

I've finished the rewriting for the first Dilmir sequel (you're not the only one who can do shameless plugs, TAF), and it's generally my practice to try my best to forget about the story for a day or two before going back to edit it. I'm in that phase now, and figured what better way to forget one story than by reading another? So here I am. You've read my works and given me your thoughts, TAF; it's high time I return the favor.

I like to post my thoughts chapter by chapter, so that's my plan. When I finish the story, I'll post my thoughts as a whole. Also, I am known as a grammar freak by certain unnamed individuals, but am also aware that pointing out grammar flaws might not be the most sought-after criticism. So I'll refrain from doing that unless you really want it.

----

On with the review! I've only read the prologue and chapter one so far, but I can tell you have a way of conveying action which just... works. There isn't much description, sometimes none at all, but I can just see the whole thing unfolding in my head.

I've also liked how you start dropping hints which we the readers know mean something bad, but the characters don't pick up on right away. Because then we know what's coming, and are waiting for it to happen. It wouldn't work over the long term, because then the character just seems dumb, but over the space of a few paragraphs, it works great. Once you said Angie didn't pass Thomas on the last trip, I knew what was coming.

I also especially loved the comparison of the apartment building to a domino. Just a really good description I wouldn't have thought of. I could see the shape perfectly.

A few nitpicks: How do people protest a comet? I mean obviously there's more to these comets than we know right now, but nothing suggests they're man-made, so... how is protesting them going to help?

There was kind of an abrupt transition to Silvin's PoV at the end of chapter 1. It didn't really throw me that much, but it did seem odd.

Oh, and Silvin... great name for a villain. Love that.

I'll edit additional thoughts here as I continue reading, barring replies.

~TGRF.
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  #53  
Old March 17th, 2022, 12:25 AM
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Re: THE MOON HAS WINGS - a zombie story

I honestly need to reread this sucker myself for various reasons. If for no other reason than to jog my writing muscles for how I used to pen these things. Should've read Peak of Emptyness if you wanted a quicker jaunt through my work.

Quote:
Originally Posted by The Grim Reaper's Friend
A few nitpicks: How do people protest a comet? I mean obviously there's more to these comets than we know right now, but nothing suggests they're man-made, so... how is protesting them going to help?
I can't quite recall my reasoning at the time of writing but it may have been a play on how people protest everything. Or perhaps protesting a lack of government response or lack of space program funding that could've produced a preventative measure beforehand.

Quote:
Originally Posted by The Grim Reaper's Friend
There was kind of an abrupt transition to Silvin's PoV at the end of chapter 1. It didn't really throw me that much, but it did seem odd.
I think just about everything I write has this problem, since I often subconsciously write as if for the screen so cutting to the villain for one shot is expected. This story is supposed to not have that issue though since 3rd person perspective was one of the goals going into it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by The Grim Reaper's Friend
Oh, and Silvin... great name for a villain. Love that.
Have fun with chapter 6.

~TAF, glad to have some traction and maybe it'll give you some ideas for current or future projects. Also definitely let me know of any grammatical issues so I can fix them

TAF was the Storyteller...
in THE ENEMY'S LAST RETREAT

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  #54  
Old March 17th, 2022, 01:29 AM
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TGRF TGRF is offline
He should definitely get that. (#4)
 
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Re: THE MOON HAS WINGS - a zombie story

Quote:
Originally Posted by TheAverageFan View Post
Also definitely let me know of any grammatical issues so I can fix them
Well since you asked:
Prologue:
Spoiler Alert!

Chapter 1:
Spoiler Alert!

Concerning Peak of Emptiness... I don't do well with horror. If I get freaked out writing my own short horror story, I can guess that reading yours - when you've mentioned Silent Hill 2 so much - is probably not the best of ideas.
~TGRF.
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  #55  
Old March 17th, 2022, 08:19 PM
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TGRF TGRF is offline
He should definitely get that. (#4)
 
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Re: THE MOON HAS WINGS - a zombie story

Finished chapter 4. Immediate impressions:



Okay now you've got me. It was getting a bit rocky there.

Thoughts so far:
Spoiler Alert!

Grammar stuff:
Spoiler Alert!

~TGRF.

Last edited by TGRF; March 17th, 2022 at 11:24 PM.
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  #56  
Old March 18th, 2022, 12:31 AM
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TheAverageFan TheAverageFan is online now
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Re: THE MOON HAS WINGS - a zombie story

Quote:
Originally Posted by The Grim Reaper's Friend
Finished chapter 4. Immediate impressions:



Quote:
Originally Posted by The Grim Reaper's Friend
Two things are starting to bug me. Firstly, a lack of characterization. I know it's early on and I know this is a zombie tale with action and all that, but those first introductions are critical for giving readers a basic idea of who the characters are.
I'm wondering if this is a result of (again with the exception of Thomas) opening mid-hook for everyone else a.k.a. character establishment having to wait until later. I guess we'll see if that strategy pays off or not depending on if you warm to any of the characters over time or remain disinterested as things go along.

Quote:
Originally Posted by The Grim Reaper's Friend
EDIT: One caveat I've thought of here: There IS characterization going on, just in the way these people act and speak. I can tell little differences, like I know Header has more control than Thorn, and Stacey is a little fiery where Brooke isn't. BUT, these are just traits.
That is a huge chunk of how I tend to characterize so that may be an issue.

Quote:
Originally Posted by The Grim Reaper's Friend
Firstly, since the beginning the soldiers have made comments about 'we're all dead anyway', and I don't know what that means. Secondly, the guy with the blue eye is obviously known by the soldiers, but that isn't explained.
I think both of these are misunderstandings so I will explain because you're not going to get answers to either of them in the text moving forward. Firstly any references to everyone being dead already is referring to the previously-mentioned comets that are expected to hit the Earth. Secondly the soldiers did not know who Nazar was, mistaking him for a civilian at first until he flashed an ID card that was a sufficient identifier of some sort of military rank. So just for reference they do not know who he is, only that he outranks them and as such they do what he says.

Spoiler Alert!


Also thanks again with the grammar. The result of being a one-man editing team is my uncanny ability to reread the same thing several times and miss an obvious typo or error every singe time I do it.

~TAF, also rereading along at this point

TAF was the Storyteller...
in THE ENEMY'S LAST RETREAT

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  #57  
Old March 18th, 2022, 01:23 PM
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TGRF TGRF is offline
He should definitely get that. (#4)
 
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Re: THE MOON HAS WINGS - a zombie story

Quote:
Originally Posted by TheAverageFan View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by The Grim Reaper's Friend
Two things are starting to bug me. Firstly, a lack of characterization. I know it's early on and I know this is a zombie tale with action and all that, but those first introductions are critical for giving readers a basic idea of who the characters are.
I'm wondering if this is a result of (again with the exception of Thomas) opening mid-hook for everyone else a.k.a. character establishment having to wait until later. I guess we'll see if that strategy pays off or not depending on if you warm to any of the characters over time or remain disinterested as things go along.

That is a huge chunk of how I tend to characterize so that may be an issue.
Well there's lots of ways to show character through action, and especially interaction. In fact, it's something I'm trying to get better at. It just matters what you show. Like for instance, I was thinking the other night that with a few minor tweaks, you could have generated massive sympathy for Brooke when she played the guitar, if you focused on why she was doing it. If she was doing it specifically to cheer the others up, that would go a long way towards making her more heroic. Even if she was just playing to cheer/calm herself, that's something, as she's resisting the effects of the apocalypse in her own way. But as it stands, I can only guess at why she did that. There are hints, yes, but nothing super solid.

Side note: When operating with a group like this, you've got to be careful to keep sympathy more or less balanced between them. If one character has far more sympathy than others, the reader starts to tire of the less-sympathetic characters and hold every little thing against them.

You can totally open mid-hook; I do it all the time. It's a great way to suck the reader into the action. But making sure we care about the characters ASAP is critical. I like to open mid-hook, with the character doing something sure to gain them sympathy. Dan opens as the victim of an injustice. So does Dilmir. Raelin opens conflicted between a selfish desire and a selfless one. Utgar opens with discipline, strength, and soon afterwards, resourcefulness.
Quote:
Originally Posted by TAF
Quote:
Originally Posted by The Grim Reaper's Friend
Firstly, since the beginning the soldiers have made comments about 'we're all dead anyway', and I don't know what that means. Secondly, the guy with the blue eye is obviously known by the soldiers, but that isn't explained.
I think both of these are misunderstandings so I will explain because you're not going to get answers to either of them in the text moving forward. Firstly any references to everyone being dead already is referring to the previously-mentioned comets that are expected to hit the Earth. Secondly the soldiers did not know who Nazar was, mistaking him for a civilian at first until he flashed an ID card that was a sufficient identifier of some sort of military rank. So just for reference they do not know who he is, only that he outranks them and as such they do what he says.

Spoiler Alert!
Ah, okay. I didn't know the comets were sure to hit the earth, it sounded like they were moving too fast to tell. My immediate question though is... what happened to them in that case? Four months have gone by... are they still there?

~TGRF, off to read some more.
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  #58  
Old March 18th, 2022, 02:22 PM
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He should definitely get that. (#4)
 
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Re: THE MOON HAS WINGS - a zombie story

So I've read chapter 5 and... 5 part two? Anyway, I wanted to get some thoughts in before I get into chapter 6, seeing as it promises to... shake things up a bit.

Spoiler Alert!

Grammar:
Spoiler Alert!

~TGRF.
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  #59  
Old March 18th, 2022, 05:51 PM
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He should definitely get that. (#4)
 
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Re: THE MOON HAS WINGS - a zombie story

Have read chapters 6, 7, and Thorn's story.

Some thoughts:
Spoiler Alert!

Grammar:
Spoiler Alert!

~TGRF, will read more soon.
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  #60  
Old March 19th, 2022, 03:43 PM
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TGRF TGRF is offline
He should definitely get that. (#4)
 
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Re: THE MOON HAS WINGS - a zombie story

Grammar for 8, 9, and 10:
Spoiler Alert!

Speculation:
Spoiler Alert!

~TGRF, will read more.
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