The Curse of Feylund

[The Grim Reaper's Friend]

Greetings readers and writers, and welcome to the second installment of the Feylund Trilogy: The Curse of Feylund. I've been working on this one for some time, but now it's finally written, proofread, and ready to go.

The Curse of Feylund is a direct sequel to Dilmir: A Tale of Feylund. While Dilmir was a reposting of the story I originally wrote back in 2013, the Curse is not. There was a sequel to Dilmir which I wrote in 2013, and it was also called the Curse. Originally I was going to just repost that with some edits. However, as I'll explain in the Author's Note, that didn't work out, and I eventually had to just remake the entire story. There are a few similarities, but the two stories are vastly different.

A note on posting:

Spoiler Alert!

I've decided to publish the entire fan fiction all at once, rather than chapter by chapter. While I think posting chapter by chapter keeps the thread active longer and therefore stands a better chance of drawing in readers, I know most of the readers here can plow through a story at questionable speeds, and would probably prefer not to be hampered by the one-chapter-a-day limit.

Now, as I've been doing, the entire fan fiction is over on my website. I've posted it there because it both maintains the formatting (italics, etc.) of what I wrote, and because it's much easier to read, due to paragraph divisions. As always, the website is owned by me, and is just a simple blog. No ads or background programs or anything.

A note on the plethora of material:

Spoiler Alert!

As always, every chapter of the Curse can be found under the 'Curse of Feylund' dropdown at the top of the website. But there's some additional material there I thought I'd quickly mention.

Firstly, you have two maps, one of Feylund, and one of Eld'rin, where much of the story takes place. These should be useful while reading - you can easily right click and open in a new tab so you can switch back and forth.

There's also an Introduction, which you should read, and an Author's Note, which is more for writers, and explains why I rewrote the story instead of reposting the original. After that there's a recap of Dilmir, and I will also be adding a Glossary at some point for all the Elvish; however, unlike Dilmir, you should be able to figure out what is being said without it.

Finally, there are a few PoV shifts. These should all be separated by either chapter divisions, or separators within the chapters themselves. I believe I got them all, but if you come across a sudden PoV shift with no separator, please let me know.

Begin reading here! You can find all the chapters under 'The Curse of Feylund' heading on the menu at the top.

~TGRF.

[The Grim Reaper's Friend]

@TheAverageFan @AMIS @William099

The Curse of Feylund, the sequel to Dilmir, is now live! Note that the whole thing is posted, as I explain above. You're free to read as much or as little as you like in a sitting.

Also, AMIS, the first chapter features vampires, but don't worry. The story is very much about elves and magic.

As always, any comments, criticism, or advice is welcome. The primary goal of writing fan fiction for me is to become a better writer, and I can only do that through honest feedback. I welcome any thoughts you have, both as you read and as a whole once you're finished.

If you read the whole story, please consider leaving a rating between 1-10, so that I can better judge how this story stacks up against my previous works.

Let the reading commence!

~TGRF.

[TheAverageFan]

The whole thing in one big chunk?! Guess I've got my work cut out for me. Updates on my feedback may be sluggish; I'm going to try reading it but I might have to stop and reread all of Dilmir depending on how much essential information I may have forgotten over time.

~TAF, who'll have to get back home before he can begin

[The Grim Reaper's Friend]

Originally Posted by TheAverageFan

The whole thing in one big chunk?! Guess I've got my work cut out for me. Updates on my feedback may be sluggish; I'm going to try reading it but I might have to stop and reread all of Dilmir depending on how much essential information I may have forgotten over time.

~TAF, who'll have to get back home before he can begin

The recap should do a pretty good job of conveying everything essential, and there is a bit of recap in the story itself. It's the little details which aren't covered - but being the author I can't tell how essential those might or might not be.

~TGRF.

[TheAverageFan]

Intro, author's note, chapter 1 + 2:

Spoiler Alert!

Ch. 1: I'll find out soon, but I had the strange notion that this chapter takes place in the past. There's absolutely nothing indicating this beyond Iskra being newborn while Sonlen is already in Valhalla in this continuity (and we know that summoning can take place in any time period so that's moot), plus the only elf I think is being referred to is Eltuthar who has been around for a long time. Again it was just an odd impression I got from the chapter. It is likely in the present, and Cyprien may be our main villain. Or he may be being tricked into leaving his center of power right now.

The rite of creating Iskra was very well-written as far as the use of vague description of hard-to-grasp things like condensing shadows to paint a vivid picture. It felt strangely sexual (which I guess makes sense) and made me oddly tense. Since it was this writing which stood out the most and seemed to carry the most gravity, I hope that Iskra will turn out to be important. If not then it at least shows how serious the presence of Aranthar is to be able to interrupt such a thing.

As for grammar and typos: Esenwein is misspelled as Essenwein twice. Always double-check the Army Card of any official units before committing them to your fiction, or else you'll end up like me and misspell Emirroon repeatedly over 250 pages. The only other typo is this:

“Unfortunately,” Aranthar said, “my agents can’t even find him. None of the elves can. He is a master of remaining hidden. If I could find him, I would kill him, bet sadly that is not an option. Thus, I need to attack Eld’rin.” He continued at Cyprien’s frown. “Eld’rin is the center of the elves’ kingdom,” he explained. “It’s the head. Remove the head, and the remaining villages will be without a unified voice telling them what to do. It will be chaos. And if you are there, leading an unbeatable* undead army, that chaos will be even greater.

This is also a minor note that can likely be safely ignored, but the term Unbeatable seemed odd. It sounds like something you or I might say, but not an ancient elf necromancer. Immortal, or indestructible, perhaps? Idunno, this is me one chapter in telling you how your characters would say something so it may be hogwash but I thought I'd mention it in case you agree.


Ch. 2: There's a strange, sick kind of nostalgia that greets me as I return to the world of Eld'rin and am immediately met with training. Dilmir needs a hobby: he needs to like build a boat and take it on the water or something. Or perhaps he could talk to Ilrin about his feelings while they play racquetball

Dilmir wonders if Asenir is part human. I guarantee I already asked this the last story, but are there humans in Feylund? And furthermore are there half-elves as a result? If there are it'd be neat to see one, and they'd probably be able to relate to Dilmir's problems quite well

It's also strange that Asenir trains with an axe. How many elves has Asenir accidentally caved in? He could basically only fight with the blunt end. The finesse required to use one without letting its weight and momentum kill would be impressive. Maybe he is that good. We'll see if he turns out to be a main character and lends his axe to their cause. You can certainly get awfully creative with how you use it in real battles.

Otherwise Dilmir is right in sequel-mode here at the beginning. Having won, but now returning to the status-quo he still feels that he is missing something. He's ready for the journey to continue.

No grammatical errors or typos that I could find.

~TAF

[The Grim Reaper's Friend]

Spoiler Alert!

Chapter one definitely takes place in the present. One of my struggles is how to denote when something happens in the past/future without breaking the fourth wall... although the connections you drew trying to figure out what year it was has given me ideas.

As far as Esenwein - I spell it as 'Esenwein' nowadays, but spelled it as 'Essenwein' in the original Dilmir, and wanted to keep the spelling the same for the sake of continuity. Without checking, I'm also fairly sure Esenwein is one of those things Hasbro spelled differently on separate occasions, like Bleakwood. So there's no strict single way to spell it that I'm aware of. Could be wrong on that though.

You could be right on 'unbeatable'. It doesn't sound too unnatural to me, but then my dialogue skills were not at their highest level when I was writing unfortunately. Natural dialogue continues to go up and down in levels of ease for me.

I did work on the training as I rewrote. There's description, but it should never be superfluous, and the focus should always be on the outcome and what's relevant, not the details. That being said... you can't have a Dilmir story without training. (Until the third book possibly.)

Yes, there are humans, no there aren't half-elves. Technically, yes I suppose it would be a fairly common occurrence, but they would be looked down on by both races, and would probably live off by themselves somewhere. If you look at the map for Feylund, there's actually some description of the humans and dwarves there.

It was mentioned in the first book how the elves possess the dexterity to train with real weapons, and stop before causing any serious harm. Minor injuries are easily dealt with - even something like a cracked rib is fairly straightforward to heal. Damaged organs, not so much, but presumably Asenir possesses the agility required to at least turn aside his axe if he actually hits someone with it. Also, a lot of Elven combat is based around deflection rather than blocking, so there's less chance of the axe actually hitting in the first place.

~TGRF.

[TheAverageFan]

Ah, yes. I did totally forget to check out the maps before I began.

Chapters 3-7

Spoiler Alert!

Ch. 3: If Inilidin was in the original Dilmir I have no memory of her. I'll try not to get her mixed up with Ilrin. At first I thought it was Ilrin, with "Inilidin" being an Elvish greeting or something. Endir is hopefully in more of the story; I always like to have at least one charismatic member in the party.

This chapter and in a few instances of the next ones feature some redundancies explaining things that were already explained in the recap at the beginning. I'm curious if the recap wasn't added much later, perhaps unintentionally causing some overlap as some of the history was already baked into the narrative.

Just like the original Dilmir the way magic is described is both unique and very-well done. It's extremely easy to visualize in the way it is explained, which would otherwise be a massive hurdle for a story like this. Glad to see it is still being consistently well-done (being able to keep up with the boons of the original can be a challenge for sequel-writing).

If we're lucky this trilogy will follow the villain-antihero-hero arc for Alfimir. I could see him going the Vegeta route pretty easily, although it seems like the focus might be placed on Aldir instead which is odd because he is a much more minor character by comparison.

Chapter 3 Grammar:

“Be careful,” Aimim said. The words weren’t casual, but serious.

An odd redundancy that stuck out to me. I could tell the words were serious when you said they weren't casual. Nothing wrong with it, it just read kind of strange.


Ch. 4: Very short chapter featuring Aldir. This paragraph stuck out to me for a few reasons:

Dilmir recognized him: it was Aldir. Aldir was young, only two or three years older than Dilmir.

But he was an agent of the Council, a spy tasked with making sure the laws were upheld. That was all Dilmir really knew about him. He was a ghost: an elf with no history. The Council had erased any record of who he was, allowing them to plant him into any situation without suspicion.

Again there's nothing technically wrong with it but it threw me by describing Aldir as young and then immediately stating that he is older than Dilmir. I had to do a double-take to get it. Saying young for an elf perhaps or just cutting the young bit entirely might be clearer. Also if he's publicly recognizable as a ghost and a spy for the council then I think wherever he's planted is automatically suspicious, not the other way around.

"If you're a famous smuggler, you're not doing it right." ~Davos

Maybe it's because it feels like everyone knows everyone in this town; is it a small town? Or maybe because they're young they're all acquainted as if in a school. How many elves live here?

I don't know if Delarthen is in any way based on Denethor, Steward of Gondor, but imagining him as such with pointy elven ears made reading his scene immensely enjoyable. Hopefully he shows up again.


Ch. 5: I've stated before that it's interesting having a dynamic wherein the protagonist is essentially a god amongst his peers. One Punch Man is one of my favorite shows and Dilmir handled it pretty well. He learns knowing how few of these rules apply to him. That being said I can already see you planting the seeds of the challenge Dilmir will have to face, and it's interesting that they are external. I wasn't sure if I should expect a Dune Messiah type sequel where Dilmir's own powers would be the threat, possibly proving the Council correct. But that might even still be the case. Surely the Curse—deliberately defined as a limiter—had a good reason for being used in the first place. Maybe Dilmir can lift it to defeat this enemy and become equals with everyone. Or maybe breaking it is actually a terrible idea?


Ch. 6: This chapter is kind of boring and could probably be combined with Ch. 5 because they both entail the same events happening twice, except the sword training is less interesting than the counterspell training where we learn more about the magic system. After training (2), after-training-training (3), Aldir (4), counterspell training (5) and then sword training (6), I was starting to check my watch and mutter "Send in the zombies!"


Ch. 7: This one is noticeably longer which feels appropriate as this is where things are actually happening. Surprisingly it threw a curve ball at me. Now that I've got a name for the enemy I'm curious where this is going. I imagined either the Council or Cyprien's army would be the threat by now (we are a third of the way through already after all), but this appears to be a new and unrelated faction. It piques my interest because it means the world is expanding from what we were given in the first book and even the cold-open first chapter.

Chapter 7 Typos:

He caused the roots to fall to the ground, but the fire stayed, a burning wall of flames rising from the ground. The flames began to ignite leaves and fallen twigs on the ground, moving quickly towards them.

Not technically an error, but using Ground three times in two sentences sticks out to me when read aloud. Swapping one out for Earth or Dirt would do the trick, like with the one Fire and two Flames in the same sentences not sounding awkward.

Dilmir turned, and saw the fire behind them, a half-sphere of flame. As he watched, it slowly constricted in on itself, growing smaller and smaller, into it fizzled out of existence.

Until perhaps?

~TAF

[The Grim Reaper's Friend]

Spoiler Alert!

No, both Inilidin and Endir are new characters. Also I apologize about the similarity in Elven naming conventions. That's a carry-over from the originals - a lot of the names were way too similar.

The recap was written well before the rewrite was, just because I knew I'd need one. Writing the rewrite, I knew there would be some overlap, but figured it would be best to keep the recap as it was, since it was very much a straight narration of one thing leading to another.

Good catch in chapter four; I can definitely word that better. Will change when able.

Concerning Aldir: This isn't really explained in detail - probably because I have trouble getting in the reader's head. Basically, there's two things going on here: Dilmir and Ilrin are both kind of mistrusted/not taken seriously. So even if they did go around saying Aldir is a spy, most people just wouldn't believe them. But more importantly, no one cares. Basically everyone is on the Council's side here. Most elves kind of vaguely know that the Council bends a few rules, and probably employs spies, but they trust that they're acting for the good of the Elves. So not only do they not take Dilmir seriously, but if they did, they just wouldn't care. Thus the Council is able to keep attention off of Aldir, which is all he needs to slip around and do his spying.

Also this is the Elven capital. Not a small town at all. This is one of the biggest cities they have.

No characters from LotR were copied in the making of this story. That I am aware of.

Dune: Messiah: Heavens no, I never intend to go the politic route on my readers. Most people read fantasy to get away from that kind of thing. Additionally, I can't keep track of all the scheming and individual agendas. Valkyrie is as close as I got to that, and even then I had to hire my overly-analytical brother to check things from a reader's perspective.

Chapter 6: Hmm, interesting. So that chapter should be a direct escalation of the problem - things getting worse - and should as such definitely hold interest. I guess maybe because there is no real new information it just feels like it's killing time? I'd be interested to get more detailed thoughts on why this was boring, if you have them.

Redundancy: I did see this problem in a few places, where I would overuse one word in rapid succession. I caught quite a few - seems to be a habit I've somehow gotten into.

~TGRF.

[TheAverageFan]

Spoiler Alert!

Originally Posted by The Grim Reaper's Friend

No, both Inilidin and Endir are new characters. Also I apologize about the similarity in Elven naming conventions. That's a carry-over from the originals - a lot of the names were way too similar.

That does happen when you attempt to add linguistics to a story: naming conventions generally begin to blur together. I distinctly recall getting characters mixed up in the first Dilmir, but I should be OK here. Inilidin is a lot more syllables than Ilrin, and further appearances should further distinguish them as Inilidin's personality becomes more apparent.

Originally Posted by TGRF

Concerning Aldir: This isn't really explained in detail - probably because I have trouble getting in the reader's head. Basically, there's two things going on here: Dilmir and Ilrin are both kind of mistrusted/not taken seriously. So even if they did go around saying Aldir is a spy, most people just wouldn't believe them. But more importantly, no one cares. Basically everyone is on the Council's side here. Most elves kind of vaguely know that the Council bends a few rules, and probably employs spies, but they trust that they're acting for the good of the Elves. So not only do they not take Dilmir seriously, but if they did, they just wouldn't care. Thus the Council is able to keep attention off of Aldir, which is all he needs to slip around and do his spying.

I suppose you are right.

Originally Posted by TGRF

No characters from LotR were copied in the making of this story. That I am aware of.

Rats. They are both pompous and their names start with D, so I'm keeping it for my theater of the mind.

Originally Posted by TGRF

Dune: Messiah: Heavens no, I never intend to go the politic route on my readers. Most people read fantasy to get away from that kind of thing. Additionally, I can't keep track of all the scheming and individual agendas. Valkyrie is as close as I got to that, and even then I had to hire my overly-analytical brother to check things from a reader's perspective.

Not so much the politics as the ideas in that book: the catastrophic potential that godhood can present when it's really just a normal man wielding all that power. Because power requires checks and balances, and Dilmir has none other than just happening to be a benevolent person. If he had any ambition and honed his skills he absolutely could be the threat the Council assumes he is. He is almost quite fortunate to be considered an outcast rather than suddenly being declared Sonlen reborn and made king or something. People asking him to solve disputes or pretending to be his friend to attain his favor. It'd be a nightmare. Instead he still manages to hold onto his underdog status.

Originally Posted by TGRF

Chapter 6: Hmm, interesting. So that chapter should be a direct escalation of the problem - things getting worse - and should as such definitely hold interest. I guess maybe because there is no real new information it just feels like it's killing time? I'd be interested to get more detailed thoughts on why this was boring, if you have them.

It is an escalation in the sense that the second spell is more dangerous. Otherwise when you look at the chapters in their most basic sense (reductive I know, but still) they are effectively the same. Dilmir trains with a teacher whose name starts with E, learns a thing, senses the spell, blocks or avoids the spell, and wonders about it. Although the spell was more dangerous the second time and thus 6 has a better end-chapter hook, the subject of learning was more interesting to me in 5. So it more or less balanced out. Both chapters were effectively the same quality-wise, it's just the second followed the first and they're very similar so 6 was more taxing.

For some reason that's difficult to emphasize I feel like it'd be okay if the events were in the same chapter or otherwise condensed. Maybe because the limp effect of the first attack and the repeated nature of the second made both end-chapter cliffhangers feel somewhat stagnant. Additionally there is another escalation on the subsequent attack in Ch. 7, which isn't a boring chapter because the circumstances and conclusion are different from 5 and 6: involving another character and with Dilmir getting some answers out of it.

Perhaps if the circumstances/setting/etc. of the first or second attack were different, or if they weren't stretched between two chapters, it would be different. Or maybe I'm just insane and other readers'll think it's fine or interesting. I guess 6 was just the point where I finally thought "man, where's that zombie army?" The hike in interest with the Asdelarcen came just one chapter too late to dodge that for this particular reader.

Originally Posted by TGRF

Redundancy: I did see this problem in a few places, where I would overuse one word in rapid succession. I caught quite a few - seems to be a habit I've somehow gotten into.

It's common, and some words simply don't have enough synonyms to work with reliably. I don't know if any writer ever gets out of that habit, beyond rereading stuff aloud repeatedly scanning for it afterwards.

~TAF

[AMIS]

Just started reading this.

I don't remember Dilmir, but I know I read it a while ago. Memory just not what it used be.

This story is very reminiscent of RA Salvatore's Drizzt Do'urden with an elf searching for a place in his own society.

It's well written so far and I'm enjoying it.

Favorite side Character to this point - Asenir.

[The Grim Reaper's Friend]

Originally Posted by AMIS

Just started reading this.

I don't remember Dilmir, but I know I read it a while ago. Memory just not what it used be.

This story is very reminiscent of RA Salvatore's Drizzt Do'urden with an elf searching for a place in his own society.

It's well written so far and I'm enjoying it.

Favorite side Character to this point - Asenir.

Glad you're enjoying it! I look forward to your thoughts as you progress.

~TGRF.

[TheAverageFan]

8, 9, 10:

Spoiler Alert!

Ch. 8: Finally back with Cyprien and we are starting to get a few answers. I'm curious to know more about Aranthar and his agents. They are obviously the real dark elves that Eltuthar and his students supposedly were last book. But as far as I can tell nobody in Eld'rin knows about them. Where did they come from and what do they want? And also where does their different magic come from?

Ch. 9: Sometimes when I'm watching TV with my friends one of us will ask a gaping logical question only for one of the characters to ask that same question in the show less than a minute later. That's what this chapter felt like, with all our heroes trying to figure out what's going on same as me last chapter.

Being able to control energy to make a barrier seems very powerful, so thus far it seems like a good idea. There's no need to control the enemy's fireballs if they just roll off Dilmir like water off a duck.

How Dilmir was able to penetrate the Asdelarcen's magic is a mystery to me. I guess if he touches it it ceased to be slippery to him? Also it seems like their magic can still be counterspelled, so perhaps Dilmir will need to master that technique.

I'm also beginning to suspect that Dilmir's sweater is a loaded Chekhov's gun at this point.

Typos

He got and dressed, feeling drained and exhausted. He could tell this would be a long day.

Got up and dressed?


Ch. 10: Knowing that Cyprien needs a young, female protagonist elf for Iskra to inhabit does not bode well for Dilmir. He could very well succeed in turning Ilrin to Iskra: there's still ten more chapters and another book after all. The zombie army seems miniscule in comparison to this possibility as it'd involve so much more personal stakes.

I'm curious if conventional weapons might not be better use against someone like Dilmir. He said he can't protect against physical objects like the thorn last chapter. Would he be able to sense or stop an arrow or a throwing star? It seems worth a try after the previous four failed attempts by spellcasting.

Typo:

Cyprien glanced at them all, displeased with their lack of initiative. “And you have no ideas?” he said.

“Well…” said another Asdelarcen, this one much older than the others, “none of which are particularly easy. Obviously we can’t kill him, so we’ve got to pull him away from Eld’rin. Far enough away that he won’t know when we attack.”

It feels like there's something missing here. He's probably referring to Ideas which Cyprien mentioned, but it just read weird. It feels like he should say "None which are particularly easy". Perhaps the Of is a typo.

~TAF