Good Morning Valhalla: Krug

[Akralon]

Greetings, fellow inhabitors of Valhalla. You are doubtless wondering 'who is this faceless yet wondrous voice that echoes in the deepest recesses of my mind, softly lulling me into such a deep state of serenity as to do whatever I'm told?'

A perfectly logical question.

You see, Thormun, in the inspired annals of his diary, never told you he had an illegitmate son, did he? Well, no, he wouldn't then, would he? He is, after all, advisor to the noble and glorious Jandar. It simply wouldn't do to have unclaimed offspring running amok - would it?

This is Valhalla! - and last time I checked my Norse Mythology guide, knocking boots with goddesses and giants was the trend of the times. So actually, this should come as no suprise.

My name is Munthor. Yes... I know. Oh, how original father. You're so clever. A true linguistic genius.

Back to the original point - why am I talking to you? Because, dear listeners, I want to give you a different kind of perspective - a look deeper into the world of Valhalla and the hearts of its peoples - by conducting a series of interviews... starting with my very own father.

Yes, that's right. Thormun the wise.

However, before I conduct this interview - I ask that you - the readers of this forum - submit to me questions you would like me to ask Thormun. With each hero or "squad member" that I interview, I will take questions from the audience. I will also allow for questions during the interview, as some may extend to more than one 'post' or session.

I will begin this interview this evening, as I have already summoned Thormun to my cave... and about that, he is actually coming under the false presumption that I have discovered a wellspring here, so his willingness to comply may decline once he learns that I don't know anything about any wellsprings and that he just wasted a really long time flying here.

So yes, please, gentle listeners, submit your questions. If I don't receive any by the time the interview commences, I'll simply dive into Odin envy and giantess-lust.

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Tourism places recommended by Good Morning Valhalla
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We're more than just a talk show, ladies and gents, we're a community service.

We are going to provide you with directions to whatever your Valhallan needs may be - and we're doing it, yup - for free. Eat your heart out, Oprah.

First off, if you are hungry, and want to know "Where's a good place to eat around here? You know, where I won't have to worry about reaver infestation or toxic meat?" Stop in at The Wellspring. Let the chefs know what you ate and what you thought!

Are you confused? Frustrated? Directionless? Need answers? Look to Papa 'Scape. He'll give it to you straight. (Frequent historical references free of charge). Prepare yourself for smurf pics.

[JANDAR88]

Great idea!

Ask Thorman what his most scary experience in the war was.

[Chimpy]

Hahaha. OK, I'll bite.

Mr. Thormun, I hear you are dead. Now that you left this world... and the world before that.. can you please explain to me what we find after death? The food selection would be a good place to start. Furthermoore, would it be to hard for you to explain exactly what the process is when you come back from death and create these wonderful auras over your allies? Thanks,

~Chimpy

[Pumpkin_King]

I don't have a question for Thormun, but put Sonya Esenwein next on your list of guests. I want to ask her what life is like in the Esenwein family.

[Akralon]

Welcome - Ladies and Gentlemen, to the very first interview of our new show... Good! Morning! VALHALLA!!!

Our first guest is arriving at this very moment. Hailing from the peaceful town of Tealeron, which, in case you didn't already know, has since been pillaged and burned by the marauding forces of Utgar, is the author of the precious Journal you all like to read so much. Introducing - the one - the one-eyed - the only - THORMUN!!!!

(Enter Thormun)

Thormun! First, I'd like to thank you for being our first guest.

Munthor? What is going on? What are you doing in this filthy cave? It smells like dead rats in here.

I'd like to say it's good to see you, Father. But then, you weren't much of a father, were you? Abandoning me and my mother for that damned wellspring. But - I digress. We'll skate around the ol' drinking problem for now. The "watchers" of Valhalla have some questions they'd like to ask.

Who? Munthor what are you on about? Where is the Wellspring you spoke of? You never could stay serious about anything for long, but in case you forgot, we're in the middle of a war!

Yes, yes, Father. We'll get to that. First, however, we'd like to break the ice.
What inspired you to write your Journal, and how do you feel about being the sole chronicler of the events of Valhalla?

These are serious times, Munthor. It's high time you realized it. I am glad to do anything to spread word of what transpires here. And to be honest, I always wanted to write an autobiography...

How do you feel about the claims that you're slacking on your work, that Sgt. Drake is doing all the writing now?

Cursed sky, Munthor! This isn't a publicity event. We're recording the annals of our world's history for those who would follow in our footsteps. If Sgt. Drake is doing a lot of writing, it's because he is where the action is right now. I had to fly halfway around the world, first to Ullar, then to Vydar, then all the way to Einar and back again! Unlike someone else I know, erherm, I have not been sitting on my arse watching my home become infested with rodents and insects for the last few months.

Right, well let's move one to a question from the audience. What, in fact, was the most horrifying, sanity-testing experience you had to suffer?

(Thormun blinks in confusion - with his one good eye that is.) The most horrifying, why that would be when I was but a lad. I had only just discovered certain parts of my own growing anatomy, you see, when one day my mother entered my room unannounced and -

EEGADS MAN! We're talking about the war here! The war!
I apologize, readers, for my father's lack of tact.
Now, do continue, father... with the WAR.

The war, yes. Well, it was probably the first time I revisited Tealeron, where I was born and raised, and witnessed the smoking ruin. More horrifying than facing any foe, is seeing all that was precious to you - ravaged. Knowing that a spiteful, hateful being has sacrilegiously invaded what was private to you - and destroyed it. (Thormun's good eye reddens, sparkling with the hints of a tear. I almost feel bad... almost).

Tragic, tragic indeed. This brings me to our second audience question. There have been rumors circulating that you are dead. How do you respond these rumors?

That's nonsense - I'm right here.

Yes... but are you dead? And if so - how was the transition?

This is ridiculous! What kind of idiotic question is that, Munthor!?

(I simply wait, staring at him until he calms down a bit...) There are always rumors circulating, especially during war. It can be a powerful thing - gossip. But I assure you that I am, in fact, alive.

Moving along then, what do say to accusations that you stole the persona of Odin?

Wha... Who?

You know, the Norse god of wisdom, Odin. The ol' One-eye. You're wearing a patch over one eye. Would you care to elaborate on how that happened?

My eye? Well... it's... it's a war injury!

That seems unlikely to me. What seems more likely, is that you traded your eye to get another drink of the Wellspring when you were a pathetic dreamaholic, stealing off in the middle of the night to get your drink on. Yeah, that sounds about right to me.

I don't think I like your tone, boy. If this can't be civil, than I shall have to tell Jandar I made a terrible mistake in coming here.

You are aware, aren't you, that Odin traded his eye to drink from the well of Mirmir, also known as the "well of wisdom". He then wore an eye-patch, just like the one you're wearing. Awfully coincidental - is it not?

This is madness!

Is it, dad? Is it? I mean, Odin was also known for deceiving women and sleeping with them. And all the Norse gods had a thing for giantesses. Let's look at this excerpt from your own Journal - Chapter 2, Entry #10...

The Sigling Sea is a great sea, so I gratefully island-hopped along the way, to preserve my strength. On one of these islands I noticed four Kyrie flying toward me from the south.

What you left out, dear father, is what other activities you engaged in while "island hopping". Without going into the gritty details, I'll simply reveal to the audience that a certain lady kyrie, living on just such an isle, thought she met Jandar in person. And as a result, I was born nine months later.

I'm sure, if we delved deeper, I'd find that I have quite a distinguished family, full of half-brothers and half-sisters all over Valhalla.

(Thormun reddens). The life of a Valkyrie is full of difficult... choices! These are trying times. (Thormun looks to the audience) Surely you understand? Being a famous genius is wrought with hard temptations that weaken a kyrie - a man, too. Must I be judged because I found comfort in a few different female kyrie in the days back when I still drank from the Wellspring? I'm a male Valkyrie! I have needs!

Well there you have it, ladies and gents. We're out of time for this evening. Just wanted to let you see the Thormun I've come to love and loathe.

Wait, don't I at least get a chance to defend my honor? To explain why-

Nope. Time's up! Thanks for your questions, esteemed audience members! Hope you were as dismally disappointed as I've been all the years of my depressing life!

What about that Wellspring you said you'd found?

Tune in next time, as the luscious, pale-skinned beauty, Sonya Esenwein graces us with her gothic presence! And remember - ask those questions!

[Pumpkin_King]

It's good to see the darker side of Valhalla's heroes! A depiction of Thormun as a Dreamaholic wellspring addict was fantastic. PumpkinRep forthcoming.

I have a question for Munthor. How do you know so much about Earth's history and myths?

[Chimpy]

Ooops. I thought you asked for Thorogrim, not Thormun.

Well, once you get around to the Viking Champion, feel free to ask the said question.

~Chimpy

[Tiny Timmy]

I would like to ask Sonya....

"Sonya, won't you leave your sidetracked husband and come to a more loving person like me?"

[Ugly-Caco]

HAHAHA!!!

I'll subscribe to this show!

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"Sonya, what's with that eternal heartbreak thing? Don't you think you read too much romance books with all those overly passionate covers?"

[albertic26]

lol that was funny and so interesting too.
Are you going to do any more??

[Akralon]

Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you all for tuning in to this Wellspring Production, and welcome to the second show of - Good Morning VALHALLA!!!

Today, we have a special treat for you. Summoning the heartless, murdering villains out of Utgar's ranks isn't easy - nor would I claim it wise, either. But let's face it folks, did you think for a second that it would actually give me pause to think, let alone stop me? If you answered 'yes' to that question, get the hell out of my cave.

Just kidding, come back. We have a splendid 4th of July special for yous! So, without further ado - summoned here today, without her consent, the lady of shadows, the hero of Elswin, the fated lover of one of Utgar's most fearsome and terrifying champions - the cold, the beautiful, the not-quite living, Sonya Esenwein!

(Enter Sonya. She walks with an ethereal feel, as if weightless. Her pale face is unmarred, smooth like pure moonlight. Her hair, black like night without starlight. Yet she is also cold; I feel it in the air. Goosebumps rise on my arms. Her eyes are also cold. Like the blackness of space. She glances about casually, as if she hadn't just been whisked away from Utgar's forces. Her gaze lingers on me and as soon as our eyes meet, I feel my surroundings fade, blur, as if I am not locked in a dream where only she and I exist...)

Dear, kyrie - where have you brought me? Why have you summoned me?

Ahhh... well... (I shake my head, shaking off the fragments of the dreamlike state as if it were a mist about my face. I have show to do, and a reputation to keep, after all). Mrs. Esenwein... Mind if I call you Sonya? You have been summoned here by my almighty powers for the entertainment of the Watchers.

Who?

Ah, them. (I point in your direction). This an interview of sorts - to learn the truth behind the mystery woman, reveal the inner person, straight to the heart, and perhaps get someone a date.

What?

Nothing. Let's begin with a question from our audience. What is life like, being part of the Esenwein family?

The Esenwein family is the most established and powerful family in all the land. But to be truthful - from the heart, as you say, I miss my own family... mama and papa Irinov. The only reason I endure Cyprien's unruly sister and monster of a brother is for my husband. He is a mastermind, an artist, and a most passionate lover.

And how long have you been married?

Next Tuesday will be our 647th anniversary. (Her eyes flash with hostility for a brief moment) And he better not forget...

647 years!!! Can we get some applause for that? (Much clapping). Congratulations! That has to be a record somewhere.

Thank you.

Speak of your beloved husband, let's take a look at Eternal Heartbreak. There's been some talk that this might be a little extreme. What do you say to that?

I pity those who know not the intoxicating aura, the erotic feelings, the sensual tingling of true, soul-felt love.

Is all that really necessary? I mean, what about just geting down and dirty - you know, some good ol' boot-knockin'?

If Cyprien were here, he'd tear out your throat for speaking with such a crude tongue in my presence. But then, he'd probably kill you simply for staring at my chest this entire interview.

That's preposterous! I was admiring the craftsmanship of your armor. Your smooth red armor. Your tight-fitting, perfectly curved, red armor. Yeah. It's very nice. I'll have to look up the blacksmith.

I killed him.

I see. Did you drink his blood?

Yes.

Okay. Back to the original point. So, you don't think this Eternal Heartbreak thing is at all over-dramatic?

(She smiles, and I find myself strangely aroused, until her fangs show and her eyes gleam with malice.)

I can show you over-dramatic.

Thanks, but no thanks. The audience would be devastated if the show canceled after the second show due to my untimely and most undeserved death. Well then, Mrs. Esenwein-

Call me Lady Esenwein. Mortals use "Mrs".

Mortals, right. So you what are the chances of one of our esteemed audience members getting a date? Nothing serious, heh - wouldn't want to upset old Cyprien. But you know, just a fun night out in Valhalla or something of the like. Say... Tiny Timmy, just to pick a name at random?

(Sonya glances toward the audience, not at all amused) I would never date someone who spelled 'restaurant' wrong in his profile.

Sorry, Tiny Timmy. Noooo dice.

You begin to bore me, kyrie... if you can even be classified as such, in your wretched and unbathed state. It is unsafe for you to bore me.

Unbathed?! I just took a bath the other day! And wretched? Okay, okay. Before you go, tell us about Iskra and Marcu. What are your thoughts on them?

Iskra is an unruly child. She is uncultured, rude and snorts like a hog when she laughs. Her ability to summon those foul smelling Retchets is her only saving grace. She is not worthy of the vampire class. I tell Cyprien this, and he promises me he will put her in her place, but she is his little sister and a spoiled brat. He never goes hard enough on her.

Well, maybe one day you can push her into a beam of sunlight or accidentally stab her with a silver fork or something. But anyway, how about Marcu? He was the talk of the town for awhile there.

I almost pity Marcu. He is tormented by a curse that can never be lifted. He was once as poetic and charismatic as Cyprien, long ago. He loved me, you see, with everything he was. But I chose Cyprien. This caused a blood-feud between them and resulted in the curse that now rules Marcu's poor destiny. He will never forgive us. One day, we will have to kill him. It is only because Cyprien feels loyalty to his mother, that he hasn't slain his brother already.

Remarkable. We're almost ready to send you back to your beloved, but first, you can't see it on here, but there were a ton of private messages, I assure you, urging me to ask that you plant one on me - for publicity sake. What d'ya say? How bout a smoocheroo - gothic-style?

(Sonya rises eloquently, moves fluidly across the room toward where I sit on my rock. I feel my thigh's burning, my stomach fluttering, my head spinning. She leans close so that I can see the glistening of her porcelain skin, smell the strange sensual perfume in her raven hair. She whispers, her breath tickling my ear and making me groggy)...

Say it again...

Say it again... and I will plunge my fingers through your heart, rip it from your chest, and devour it. Then I will tear you limb from limb, and feed your wretched meat to the ravenous mobs of undead that moan for flesh.

(Uncomfortable silence.)

A simple 'no' would've done.

Well, Ladies and Gents, I better get this Romanian Romantic home before she does something gruesome to my cherished vitals. Thank everyone for tuning in today, have most excellent FOURTH OF JULY!!!

We're taking requests for guest stars for the next show, so send them in!


This is Munthor of the Sigling Isles saying - Keep those 'Scape dice rollin'!

[Pumpkin_King]

Bravo, Akralon, bravo. But I thought that the bio said that Iskra was Cy's daughter, not sister? I'll havbe to re-check it; I'm probably wrong. Looking forward to the next installment!

Here's an idea: Ask Kaemon what's up with that Quick Release of his.

And my question for Munthor still stands.

It's at this point I turn the keyboard over to The Pumpkin King:

Ah, yes. Hello? Is this thing on? Yes, this is PK. The Pumpkin King, the King of Halloween, Overlord of the Underworld, Baron of the Bones, not the human that posts in my name. I have a question for Sonya before she leaves: Remember that night in the castle? When I was still in Valhalla? There's not any...remaining awkwardness, right? Right?