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  #1  
Old September 6th, 2008, 09:02 PM
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spiteofthedice spiteofthedice is offline
no baby bump - false alarm!
 
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Spite's HS Jokebook - UPDATED 12/11

Overheard in the camp of the 4th Massachusetts Line:
“You’re a terrible chef! You should be fired . . . but I guess it can wait.”



Eldgrim comes back from battle massaging an aching shoulder.
"What's wrong?" asks Thorgrim.
"I think I overextended something."












Saylind, Runa, and Kelda are arguing over which one of them is best with animals. Saylind scoffs, “Watch this.” She holds up the Spear of Summoning, sunlight flashing off the blade and, in a quiet voice, says “Come.” A few moments later, her dog Hal comes bounding into sight, walks right up to Saylind and sits at her feet. “Pretty good, right?”
Runa snorts. “Hardly.” She kneels down, looks into the innocent gaze of the dog and hisses “Shake.” Her helm of Mitonsoul glows and the dog falls to the ground and begins convulsing. As Saylind collapses in tears, Runa turns to Kelda and whispers “Top that.” Kelda smiles and takes the dog from Saylind.
“Heal.”




Kyntela Gwyn is talking with one of the Warriors of Ashra about Kyntela’s upcoming wedding to Arkmer.
“Do you ever get scared?” asks the Ashra.
“Only in the beginning,” replies Kyntela, “when we first got engaged.”














Q. What does a Blastatron call a squad of Gladiatrons?
A. His “Homies”





Gilbert returns to camp one day looking exhausted and is greeted by Sir Denrick.
“Hail, Gilbert. Oh, my, you look terrible. How went the scouting mission with your Weston squad?” Denrick asks, and Gilbert replies grumpily,
“I had to share a tent with my men.”
“Was that really so terrible?” asks Denrick. Gilbert nods.
“I couldn’t sleep five-knights-in-a-row.”



Orc Psychiatry:








After doing some shopping, the Kozuke Samurai are in line at the check-out counter.
“Okay, who’s got cash?”
The other two just shrug.
“Nobody? Oh well, we’ll have to charge it.”





Marcu and the Rechets go out for a beer and the conversation turns to Marcu’s recent breakup.
“So, Marcu, what happened with you and Raelin, man? We heard you guys broke up.”
“Yeah. She said I kept attacking her, or something. And no matter what I said, she just got really defensive.”




Sonya and Cyprien Esenwein are in their Queen-sized coffin one morning, when Cyprien turns to his wife and whispers,
“I’m so lucky I have you,” to which his wife responds,
“If anything ever happened to you, I’d just die.”







The Knights of Weston are not feeling well, so they go to their doctor, who says,
“I’m not surprised. Seems to be something going around. Can’t tell you how many patients I’ve seen in just the last week – the Macdirks were here, the Microcorp Agents, I even had a Dumutef Guard come in to see me.”
“Well what is it, Doctor?” they ask.
“Just a Common cold.”













Thormun’s Log: Stardate 3.14159
I was out walking today when I saw a man standing in the road wearing a black trench coat, holding a gun in one hand and a sword in the other. I was about to call out to him when Agent Skahen emerged from a nearby house, whipped out two automatic handguns and fired two shots into the air. A moment later, two pigeons fell dead to the ground. The man in the road turned around and walked up and stood in the driveway. Skahen called out to me.
“Sorry about that. Just moving my Carr.”











Sergeant Drake peers out of the foxhole to and sees Marro closing in on one flank and a Dumutef on the other.
"Well," he says to his men, "We're between a Grok and a Guard's space."








UPDATE #2







Ralph Nader's brother, George, was recently arrested for shooting an unarmed man, claiming self-defense. Asked if Nader's case would hold up in court, an official said "Well, G.Nader is Tough, but his Defense is terrible."





The Ashigaru Harque-bus driver



Overheard in Arkansas: "He seems a little geeky, but I'd say our Reverend is among the very best of the best."




From the Valhallan Police Blotter: Ullar's prized Amulet was stolen yesterday during the annual Ullars Day Parade when Acolarh was robbed at gunpoint. According to eyewitnesses, the thief is Height 5 and wore a grey cowboy hat. He was last seen heading out of a seedy bar, moving 2 spaces faster than normal. Authorities warn that as long as he's moving, the thief is not dangerous.



KATO KATSURO: "Barkeep! Another round for everyone, on me!"




Cyprien Esenwein is furious. His skeleton army is losing the battle, his wife is essentially useless, and his skinless brother keeps trying to borrow money for a curse-ectomy. Angrily, he swears
"I will kill the next person who gets on my nerves."
His teen-age daughter rolls her eyes,
"Geez, Dad, chill!"




Non-Sequiturs From Valhalla

"Reaver? I hardly know'er!"

"The drugstore? It's three hexes down, on your right, if you hit the ruins, you've gone too far."

"Hail! Sir Denrick! 'Tis thine day to shovel out the Templar stables!"

"I mean, are they really a "sacred" band? I don't know. But . . . you know . . . they're a pretty good band, I guess."

"Is your Stealth Armor riding up? These suits are so not worth it."

"They're all like 'Hey Theracus! Bring me over there,' and 'Hey Theracus! Bring me up there,' and 'Oh no, wait, I changed my mind, Bring me back down.' It's like- Hel-lo? I have a life, people!"

"Honestly, I think they're all just jealous because I'm a 'Height 12' "

"Oh, no- It's Spartacus. Let's slip out before he sees us."

"Mom, Dad. You've always wanted me to be the best that I could be and . . . I've decided to join up with the Elite Onyx Vipers."

"Dzu-Teh!"
"Where??"
"Dzu-Teh! Dzu-Teh!"
"Oh, sorry. Bless you."













Last edited by spiteofthedice; December 11th, 2008 at 08:31 PM. Reason: Keepin' 'em comin'
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  #2  
Old September 6th, 2008, 09:21 PM
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Dennys Dennys is offline
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Re: Spite's HS Jokebook



Why did the reaver cross the road?
Someone shot at him..

How did the Samurai stop the union walkout?
Counterstrike!

<Hides>
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  #3  
Old September 6th, 2008, 10:52 PM
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Re: Spite's HS Jokebook

These are great. Can't wait for more.
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  #4  
Old September 6th, 2008, 10:53 PM
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Jexik Jexik is offline
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Re: Spite's HS Jokebook

I like the visual explanation of why Grimnak can't use Chomp on large figures.

And once I understood the ValDonalds thing, I liked it. Fast food.

Quote:
Originally Posted by fomox View Post
(I've also played many matches with great, fun people who were using Q9. So using Q9 doesn't make you a tool. But being a tool sure seems to make you use Q9.)
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  #5  
Old September 6th, 2008, 11:55 PM
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Jandarforever Jandarforever is offline
 
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Re: Spite's HS Jokebook

These are great! The one about the 4th Mass. and the one about Kyntela Gwyn and Arkmer were my favorites. Can't wait for more!

It's not whether you win or lose. It's having the 4th Massachusetts Line that counts!
I see nothing, I hear nothing, and I know NOTHING!--Sgt. Shultz, Hogan's Heroes
My custom terrain
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  #6  
Old September 6th, 2008, 11:56 PM
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Re: Spite's HS Jokebook

Quote:
Kyntela Gwyn is talking with one of the Warriors of Ashra about Kyntela’s upcoming wedding to Arkmer.
“Do you ever get scared?” asks the Ashra.
“Only in the beginning,” replies Kyntela, “when we first got engaged.”
That was the funniest one.
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  #7  
Old September 7th, 2008, 10:02 AM
spiteofthedice's Avatar
spiteofthedice spiteofthedice is offline
no baby bump - false alarm!
 
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Re: Spite's HS Jokebook

Thanks guys. I'll be adding more for sure. Never let it be said that I ever ran out of terrible jokes.

~Spite
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  #8  
Old September 7th, 2008, 10:45 AM
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R˙chean R˙chean is offline
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Re: Spite's HS Jokebook

I like the "homies!" New nickname for sure!

A must read for all 'Scapers!
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  #9  
Old September 7th, 2008, 11:16 AM
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Ugly-Caco Ugly-Caco is offline
 
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Re: Spite's HS Jokebook

Hifrigginlarious!!! I like the homies and the orc psychiatry bit.
HAHAhahaaHAA! Make this book thicker!

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  #10  
Old September 7th, 2008, 12:28 PM
spiteofthedice's Avatar
spiteofthedice spiteofthedice is offline
no baby bump - false alarm!
 
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Re: Spite's HS Jokebook

Updated.
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  #11  
Old September 7th, 2008, 03:35 PM
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Hex_Enduction_Hour Hex_Enduction_Hour is offline
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Re: Spite's HS Jokebook - UPDATE

These are hilarious! Homies, waiting then firing, Eldgrim's shoulder...
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  #12  
Old September 7th, 2008, 03:58 PM
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johnny139 johnny139 is offline
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Re: Spite's HS Jokebook - UPDATE

Ah, puns. Truly, the highest form of comedy.
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