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  #901  
Old April 21st, 2015, 04:41 PM
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SirGalahad SirGalahad is offline
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The Joke Thread!

Joke of the Day


I took four tires to a friend’s garage sale and was asking $30 apiece. I needed to leave for a few minutes, so I asked him to watch them for me.

"Sure," he said, "but if someone offers less, how low are you willing to go?"

"Try for more, but I will accept $15," I said, and left.

When I returned, my tires were gone. "How much did you get for them?" I asked excitedly.

"Fifteen dollars each."

A little disappointed I asked, "Who bought them?"

"I did!" was my friend's reply.





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  #902  
Old April 22nd, 2015, 10:11 AM
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SirGalahad SirGalahad is offline
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The Joke Thread!

Joke of the Day


A patient announced to her doctor that she had good news … and bad.

“The medicine for my earache worked,” she said.

“What’s the bad news?” the doctor asked.

“It tasted awful.”

Since she was feeling better, he didn’t have the heart to tell her they’re called eardrops for a reason.




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  #903  
Old April 25th, 2015, 11:42 AM
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SirGalahad SirGalahad is offline
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The Joke Thread!

Joke of the Day


To celebrate the end of a v-e-r-y long week in RL and the Anniversary Release, here's some bar humor.



A penguin walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “Have you seen my brother?”

The bartender says, “I don’t know. What does he look like?”

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A guy walks into a bar and finds a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?”

The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A Frenchman walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bird is wearing a baseball cap. The bartender says, “Hey, that’s neat. Where did you get that?”

The parrot says, “France—they’ve got millions of them there.”

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And finally, what I consider the ultimate in bar jokes:



Infinitely many mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first says, “I’ll have a beer.”

The second says, “I’ll have half a beer.”

The third says, “I’ll have a quarter of a beer.”

Before anyone else can speak, the barman fills up exactly two glasses of beer and serves them. “Come on, now,” he says to the group, “you guys have got to know your limits.”





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  #904  
Old April 27th, 2015, 08:31 PM
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SirGalahad SirGalahad is offline
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The Joke Thread!

Joke of the Day


A tough-looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

She does, and it is a long, deep, lingering kiss.

After she's finished, the tough, hairy biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I’ve ever had! That's a real talent you’re wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"

Spoiler Alert!






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  #905  
Old April 29th, 2015, 07:16 PM
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SirGalahad SirGalahad is offline
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The Joke Thread!

Joke of the Day


The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you’re not in shape for it, it’s too far to walk back.




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  #906  
Old April 30th, 2015, 07:40 PM
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SirGalahad SirGalahad is offline
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The Joke Thread!

Joke of the Day

As we approach the end of the school year:

Student: I don’t understand why my grade was so low. How did 
I do on my research paper?

Teacher: Actually, you didn’t turn in a research paper. You turned in a random assemblage of sentences. In fact, the 
sentences you apparently 
kidnapped in the dead of night 
and forced into this violent and arbitrary plan of yours clearly seemed to be placed on the pages against their will. Reading your paper was like watching unfamiliar, uncomfortable people interacting at a cocktail party that no one wanted to attend in the first place. You didn’t submit a research paper. You submitted a hostage situation.






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  #907  
Old May 1st, 2015, 09:13 PM
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SirGalahad SirGalahad is offline
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The Joke Thread!

Joke of the Day


A local charity had never received a donation from the town’s banker, so the director made a phone call.

“Our records show you make $500,000 a year, yet you haven’t given a penny to charity,” the director began. “Wouldn’t you like to help the community?”

The banker replied, “Did your research show that my mother is ill, with extremely expensive medical bills?”

“Um, no,” mumbled the director.

“Or that my brother is blind and unemployed? Or that my sister’s husband died, leaving her broke with four kids?”

“I … I … I had no idea.”

“So,” said the banker, “if I don’t give them any money, why would I give any to you?”




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  #908  
Old May 1st, 2015, 09:29 PM
Rutherford82 Rutherford82 is offline
 
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Rutherford82 Woo who?
Re: The Joke Thread

In a response to your bar jokes, here is my favorite.

Schroedinger's cat walks into a bar and doesn't.
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  #909  
Old May 2nd, 2015, 10:07 PM
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SirGalahad SirGalahad is offline
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The Joke Thread!

Joke of the Day


We’d finally built our dream home, but the contractor had a concern: the placement of an atrium window for our walk-in shower.

"I’m afraid your neighbors might have a good view of you au naturel," he said.

My middle-aged wife put him at ease. "Don’t worry," she said. "They’ll only look once."




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  #910  
Old May 3rd, 2015, 07:11 PM
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SirGalahad SirGalahad is offline
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Join Date: April 25, 2008
Location: US - State of Grace - Route 66
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The Joke Thread!

Joke of the Day


Any time a person with a journalism degree writes a story about 
a celebrity getting bangs, Walter Cronkite punches an angel.



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  #911  
Old May 4th, 2015, 08:48 PM
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SirGalahad SirGalahad is offline
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Join Date: April 25, 2008
Location: US - State of Grace - Route 66
Posts: 12,128
Images: 79
SirGalahad is a man of the cloth SirGalahad is a man of the cloth SirGalahad is a man of the cloth SirGalahad is a man of the cloth SirGalahad is a man of the cloth SirGalahad is a man of the cloth SirGalahad is a man of the cloth SirGalahad is a man of the cloth SirGalahad is a man of the cloth SirGalahad is a man of the cloth SirGalahad is a man of the cloth SirGalahad is a man of the cloth SirGalahad is a man of the cloth SirGalahad is a man of the cloth SirGalahad is a man of the cloth
The Joke Thread!

Joke of the Day


My wife is—how should I put this—cheap, once going so far as to reuse the freezer bags our grown daughter Molly left behind after a visit.

Needless to say, it gave me a start when, looking through the freezer, I found packages labeled steak, chicken breast, and Molly.




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  #912  
Old May 5th, 2015, 07:37 PM
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SirGalahad SirGalahad is offline
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Join Date: April 25, 2008
Location: US - State of Grace - Route 66
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SirGalahad is a man of the cloth SirGalahad is a man of the cloth SirGalahad is a man of the cloth SirGalahad is a man of the cloth SirGalahad is a man of the cloth SirGalahad is a man of the cloth SirGalahad is a man of the cloth SirGalahad is a man of the cloth SirGalahad is a man of the cloth SirGalahad is a man of the cloth SirGalahad is a man of the cloth SirGalahad is a man of the cloth SirGalahad is a man of the cloth SirGalahad is a man of the cloth SirGalahad is a man of the cloth
The Joke Thread!

Joke of the Day


During my mother’s memorial, my five-year-old granddaughter could not stop staring at the urn that contained her ashes.

“Is that really Great-grandma in there?” she asked her mother.

“Yes, it is.”

“Funny,” she said. “I always thought she was taller.”





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