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#913
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The Joke Thread!
Joke of the Day To start your weekend off right-- ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two peanuts were walking down the road and one was a-salted! ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A prince had a curse put on him when he was a little boy. He could only speak two words every year. But, if he didn't speak for a whole year, he would then be able to speak 4 words the next year and so on. One day he met a princess named Josie, and he wanted to say, "My Princess.". But he waited. The next year he saw her he wanted to say, "My Princess, I love you." But he didn't have enough words. The third year he saw her, he wanted to say, "My Princess, I love you, will you marry me?" But he knew he would have to wait a couple more years. So he waited. On the fifth year, excited to finally present his question, he visited the princess. He approached her respectfully and asked, "JOSIE, MY PRINCESS, I LOVE YOU. WILL YOU MARRY ME?"
Spoiler Alert!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Want to hear a potassium joke?
Spoiler Alert!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Did you know if you were to stretch your blood vessels out end to end in a straight line, you would die? |
#914
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The Joke Thread!
Joke of the Day In honor of her day: Mother's Dictionary of Meanings Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert. Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots. Full Name: What you call your child when you're mad at him. Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right. Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word. Independent: How we want our children to be for as long as they do everything we say. 'Not Me': The child living in your house whom no one has ever seen, but who is responsible for everything broken or spilt. Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it. Show Off: A child who is more talented than yours. Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it, and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it and wiping it with saliva. Top Bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies. Two-Minute Warning: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar-grunting noises. Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house. Call, text, or pray for your Mother today! |
#915
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The Joke Thread!
Joke of the Day A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote "Revelations 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door. When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, Genesis 3:10." Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelations 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was naked." Last edited by SirGalahad; May 20th, 2015 at 03:43 PM. |
#916
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The Joke Thread!
Joke of the Day As we wind down to the end of another school year: ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A country school board had a teacher prospect in to size him up. One member asked him whether the earth was round or flat. He didn't bat an eye. "I don't know how you people feel about it, but I can teach it either way." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court." He smiled. "Now, sit down at that table and write 500 times, 'I will not pass through a red light.'" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
#917
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Re: The Joke Thread
I was trying to think of a joke about the sun.
Then it just dawned on me. Oops, rolled a 1. |
#918
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Re: The Joke Thread
I dunno, Marro_Warlord - that joke was a little light...
~Aldin, shiny He either fears his fate too much or his desserts are small That dares not put it to the touch to gain or lose it all ~James Graham |
#919
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Re: The Joke Thread
Come one. Look at the bright side.
Jesus said to him, "I am the way, and the truth, and the life; no one comes to the Father but through Me." - John 14:6 |
#921
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The Joke Thread!
Joke of the Day Some final exam and graduation humor for this week: ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It was the end of the school year and the students decided that they would each bring their kindergarten teacher a gift. The first student, whose parents own a florist shop, gave her a present. She held it and said, "I guess that it is flowers". "How did you guess?" asked the little boy. She laughed and thanked him. The second student, whose parents own a candy store, gave her a present. She held it and said, "I guess that is some candy." "How did you guess?" asked the little boy. She again laughed and thanked him also. The third student, whose parents own a bottle shop, gave her a box which was leaking. The teacher touched the liquid with her finger and tasted it. "Mmmmm, is it wine?" she asked. "No," said the little girl. So she tasted it again. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "Noooo," replied the little girl, "it's a puppy." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It was graduation day and Mom was trying to take a picture of their son in his cap and gown, posing with his father. "Let's try to make this look natural," she said. "Junior, put your arm around your dad's shoulder." The father answered, "If you want it to look natural, why not have him put his hand in my pocket?" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science classroom, staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed: "Give four advantages of breast milk." What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best: 1. No need to boil. 2. Never goes sour. 3. Available whenever necessary. So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a fourth answer. Again, what to write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then sighed again. Suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly, he scribbled his definitive answer:
Spoiler Alert!
Last edited by SirGalahad; May 20th, 2015 at 03:44 PM. |
#922
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The Joke Thread!
Joke of the Day Some final exam and graduation humor for this week: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- During graduation at a school in a high-poverty area, a student is walking across the platform when he falls through a large gap in the wood. His mother, unperturbed, says to everyone sitting near her, “It's just a stage he's going through”. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two young men who had just graduated from university climbed into a taxi wearing their graduation gowns. "Are you graduates from the city university?" asked the cab driver. "Yes, sir," they announced proudly. "Class of "15." The cabbie extended his hand. "Class of "79." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- One good thing about graduation is that you get to wear a funny hat that makes your brain look larger than it actually is. |
#923
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Re: The Joke Thread!
Quote:
Though numerous pronunciation attempts have been made, I have recently spurned my moniker. Feel free to refer to me as BowTieJones instead.
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