Ch. 8: If Ilrin's parents are going to have dialogue in
Dilmir 2 and in this (indeed more than Inilidin so far here), can they at least get names? Like, I get that they're not important but still, three minutes on Fantasy Name Generator dot net should do the trick.
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“I’m not leaving,” Ilrin said. “I don’t want to be at Elnnesar, not knowing what’s happening, just waiting. You can send the others. Those who can’t fight. But I’m staying.”
“No,” Dilmir said gently, putting a hand on her shoulder. “You’re not.”
Ilrin looked at him, her brown eyes betraying a flicker of frustration. Frustration that he could – and probably would – send her to Elnnesar whether she wanted to go or not. She was powerless to stop him.
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I don't normally get this woke but I really think there's something to be said for the 0-to-100 percent ratio of control in Ilrin and Dilmir's relationship. He puts spells on her without her knowing, teleports her against her consent (or tries to anyway), and she's clearly not happy about it here but can basically do nothing but complain to her parents about it but they're all "Nah, it'll be fine"
and Dilmir's like "Eh, she'll get over it".
Maybe if there was a bit more spunk or charm to it it'd feel less weird.
I do get that—like my "where Alfimir" sentiment in
Curse—this is me bringing in stuff that the story's not about, with relationship junk mostly on the back burner. But Dilmir's really more like her Dad if I were to look for a fitting analogy. He has all of the power in their dynamic and he's fully aware of it. If only there was a different, humble and more sensitive, elf she could find, like Aldir. He's solid.
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How long would it be before one elf realized he was immune to magic, and decided to exact revenge on his neighbor for some long-forgotten crime?
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I mean, that neighbor elf would also be immune to magic, so...? Ah, whatever. I'm sure having an atmosphere of complete distrust of each other will be useful in the struggle against Aranthar.
This is probably the weakest chapter thus far.
Ch. 9: One of the things I really appreciate about Aranthar as a villain so far is that whenever he strikes it's never immediately clear to me as the reader what exactly he's doing. I'm on the same page as the characters and not ahead, and there's just an immediate tension and high-alert as something goes
Boom somewhere and we all understand that Aranthar is attacking and rush to see how or where. It also makes him a clever antagonist who finds a way to hide even the bluntest of assaults.
Ch. 10: It's good to see Felnir again, although his stealing the staff certainly makes it seem like Eltuthar might be up to no good. Once all the dust has cleared with Aranthar I wonder if the real dilemma will be what comes afterwards.
We only met Aranthar once in
Dilmir 2, but he did have plenty of dialogue in that one chapter, so it's a little odd that he's so quiet here. Maybe it's just a thing or maybe his character—being solely focused on his one task—only talks to allies and only when it's concerning his quest, and otherwise says nothing to his enemies and has no patience for banter.
Anyways what a dark chapter! You're just obliterating everything around here in this story. I assumed when given a map of Elnnesar that we'd be leaving Eld'rin, but not because it'd be hit by a tactical nuke. I guess we'll see if we get a new Eld'rin by the story's end, one with fewer training pits and more liquor stores.
Ch. 11: Denethor lives!
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“You’re hurt, Dilmir,” Inilidin said, finally breaking the silence. She knelt down beside him.
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She can talk!
It's good to see Eltuthar back and with a plan of his own. I guess how sinister things go with that will depend on whether or not this ethical dilemma is solved before Aranthar is dealt with or afterwards; or which of these two plotlines is gonna go on to be Book 4 (unless that'll be about something else entirely). I'm kind of hoping it's after because a dilemma between good-but-also-kinda-morally-gray-in-some-ways characters is more interesting than one against a morally unambiguous bad guy (at least as far as we know). It's also interesting seeing Dilmir now suddenly on the complete opposite side of where he was in the last two stories. I guess we'll see if he comes back around by the end or not.
Spelling & Grammar:
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Would he have to ignore everyone he cared most about to fulfil his duty to the elves?
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Fulfil and fulfill are both correct spellings of the same word. It means “to put into effect,” “to achieve,” “to carry out,” or “to realize.” Fulfil is the spelling commonly used in English speaking countries like the UK and Australia. Fulfill is the spelling commonly used in the United States.
I just knew that off the top of my head.
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Ilrin’s eyes slowly drifted down, until she was staring at the ground, but otherwise she didn’t more or speak.
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Move or speak, I assume.
September 20th, 2022, 10:57 PM
TAF was the Storyteller... 
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