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  #13  
Old November 12th, 2007, 08:49 PM
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Chapter 6

The Drones looked at each other and then seeing Ga-Ne-Vu's expression they straightened up. "You will be fighting each other with your spears," said Ga-Ne-Vu. "Line up, into pairs," he continued. "Give it your best, don't worry if you kill. I will be observing you."

Obviously they had never had anything but basic training. Ga-Ne-Vu remembered his training. "Look where you're jabbing, follow orders and don't kill any with a crest like you have," he remembered the Marro saying. That was pretty much the basics.

The Drones jabbed and it was basically the quickest Marro won. There was no dodging, no rolling, no strategic manuevers, nothing but jabbing. Quite a few Drones fell dead. Ga-Ne-Vu thought he had seen enough.

"Okay, you guys are terrible. Try to dodge. When you see someone coming at you duck, dive, just get out of the way," he said. "How about a demonstration? You two," he pointed to do Marro about to kill each other. "Rush at me like you would an enemy." They did so, and Ga-Ne-Vu rolled in between them and then grabbed both their heads. "Clang!" he banged them together and the Marros passed out.

One Marro tried it and rolled over and stopped when he hit a tree. "Well, uh. You guys can try to grab the weapon from the enemy too," said Ga-Ne-Vu. Some Drones began to mutter amongst themselves. "Listen up!" screamed Ga-Ne-Vu. "Get into line!" they did so. "Now, when an enemy is approaching you with a sword, spear or something, try to grab it a little past the point and lift it up. Then you can do what you want to their exposed body, understand[/i]!" yelled Ga-Ne-Vu. Some shook their heads and others did nothing. "Now, let's try it."

They got into pairs again. One rushed at the other and some actually did it right but others weren't fast up but ended up ducking. They were improving so quickly. Then, others died too. "Switch!" shouted Ga-Ne-Vu. The spears were passed to the other person. "I'll have to be your partner," he said to a Drone whose partner was lieing dead on swampy ground. Ga-Ne-Vu rushed forward with the spear. The Drone dived out of the way and fell into swamp water. "Work on that," Ga-Ne-Vu said, then he walked away to watch other Drones.

Most weren't terrible. "Fine, now we need to work on something else," said Ga-Ne-Vu after awhile. "You have to stay in an organization, a group. Get into rows and coloumns," he said. After an even longer while they were in a large regtangle. "Good, now practice moving forward withougt anyone falling out of line or hurting someone." Then walked into an open area of the jungle, then they fell into the stream. "We'll need to work on all of these skills," said Ga-Ne-Vu.

The Stinger who was gathering supllies walked over. "You training them? You can't train Drones, you should know. You were once one of them," he said. Ga-Ne-Vu looked up, tried to see above the treetops to see how many days it's been. He knew it hasn't been many since he drank that water. He guessed it was mid day know.

Then, Ne-Gok-Sa arrived. His warriors were with him. They were like body guards. "What have you been up to?" he asked.

"Training," said Ga-Ne-Vu.

"Now it's time to get ready for the invasion," said Ne-Gok-Sa. "We need you and your Drones to help siege Utgar's capital. You will get the gate open and then keep guard for reinforcements from any of his camps or other cities. It may be a long siege," Ne-Gok-Sa continued. "We will take out his armies, the rest of them. Then you can swarm the inside of his palace. There I will come, ready to kill Utgar. He brought us here not caring if we get back, now he's not going to get back from hell!" Ne-Gok-Sa said angrily. "After he's dead we will keep it a secret and pretend his still alive as we suck this planet dry. If he can't send us back then we will have to make back here! Understand Ga-Ne-Vu?" Ne-Gok-Sa asked. Ga-Ne-Vu nodded. "Good, now meet at the edge of the jungle on the west in 3 days. I have some business to take care of." He and his Warriors walked off into the jungle.


had to add italics :P

See Valhalla like never before:
Airborne Elite in the
BYZANTINE CAVE...
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  #14  
Old November 12th, 2007, 10:37 PM
king_of_feylund123 king_of_feylund123 is offline
 
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the drones are funny

Q: What time is it when an elephant sits on your car?

A: Time to get a new fence!!
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  #15  
Old November 13th, 2007, 01:29 AM
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dickflea dickflea is offline
 
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dickflea Woo who?
Very good read...the Drones are really "Drones"
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  #16  
Old November 13th, 2007, 09:47 PM
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Metaknight Metaknight is offline
 
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Thank you! Yay, another reader! Page 2!

Chapter 7

Ga-Ne-Vu and his Drones trained for a long time. "You!" he pointed to a Drone. "Climb up the tree and see what time of day it is," he said. The Drone climbed up, and up. Most jungle trees were pretty thin yet very tall.

He reached the top and looked. He hadn't seen much light in awhile and it was very bright. He guessed late morning. "huh?" he said. He saw a shadow in the sky. A large four legged flying thing. It looked sort of green. Then, "Aaaaaaaah!" the Drone screamed as he slipped and began to fall and then hit the muck at the bottom of the tree. "So what time of day?" Ga-Ne-Vu asked, ignoring the fact that he fell more than 20 feet. "Morn'," said the Drone as he rubbed his back.

"So it's been around 2 days," said Ga-Ne-Vu. "We shall start our journey to the end of the jungle." They said bye and thank you to Tor-Kul-Na. He yelled as they left, "Make sure he dies!"

They went over and around a swampy stream. Then through a gap in the trees. They could see the light shining down. "That way," said Ga-Ne-Vu, making sure the Drones were on the right track. The jungle got really dense and then the trees became really thin. Then the ground turned to mud. "Uh," said a Drone as his feet sank into the mud.

A lot of noise came from the bushes ahead of them. More than just the average little critter would make. "Rahh!" a Venoc jumped from a bush. Then came more from even farther ahead. Then the sides. Soon they were surrounded. "Just remember what you learned," Ga-Ne-Vu said. He too had a Drone's spear.

The Venoc Vipers jumped but most were impaled on impact landing onto the spear. The rest were soon cut open. Vipers contain a lot less blood than many other creatures. The Drones were happy about that. Only two Drones fell to the talons of the Venocs. "Good work guys," Ga-Ne-Vu said. "Let's move on."

They continued. On their guard for more Venocs or Elves or whatever else might live in the treacherous jungle. Then they finally reached the sun, the light, the end. The west side of the jungle. The edge was straight. You could look to the side and see the edge of the jungle for miles. Yet Ne-Gok-Sa wasn't in sight. They figured they should wait. They were a little early. They waited, and then trained some more. Ne-Gok-Sa didn't come.

That night they slept, a deep sleep. Dreaming of conquering Utgar, returning to Marr, and becoming great and famous Marros. Yet most of their dreams were far from the future.

See Valhalla like never before:
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BYZANTINE CAVE...
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  #17  
Old November 14th, 2007, 08:57 PM
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Metaknight Metaknight is offline
 
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Come on guys! I said to myself I wouldn't post another Chapter 'til someone had a chance to reply to this one. What do ya' think? Oh, next Chapter they're going to Utgar!

See Valhalla like never before:
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BYZANTINE CAVE...
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  #18  
Old November 14th, 2007, 09:22 PM
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hi1hi1hi1hi1 hi1hi1hi1hi1 is offline
 
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It was good. I enjoyed that the risen drone is still teaching the other drones. I wonder what is taking Ne-Gok-Sa.

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  #19  
Old November 15th, 2007, 05:09 PM
king_of_feylund123 king_of_feylund123 is offline
 
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cool story

Q: What time is it when an elephant sits on your car?

A: Time to get a new fence!!
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  #20  
Old November 15th, 2007, 07:38 PM
Silver1327 Silver1327 is offline
 
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Still reading it.
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  #21  
Old November 16th, 2007, 07:12 AM
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Metaknight Metaknight is offline
 
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Whew, sorry. I have been busy during the day after school which means I have to write it in the morning which means I have to get up. Didn't mean to make anyone reply, sorry... they're bringin' this to Utgar...

Chapter 8

Ga-Ne-Vu felled a nudge at his side. "uhh," he said, still sleeping. "Wake up!" shouted a voice. It was Ne-Gok-Sa. "Hmm. Yes?" Ga-Ne-Vu said when he got up and stretched a little. "Time to go," Ne-Gok-Sa said frusturated. "We're meeting Me-Burq-Sa there. Now wake them up," he continued.

"Okay, now everybody wake up, now!" Ga-Ne-Vu yelled. Slowly the Marros rose, and after a lot of moaning they were officially awake.

Ne-Gok-Sa went back a little, to the forest. Apparently his army was still in there. Then they marched out together. Tons and tons of stingers, followed by a few Drudge, and then the Marro Warriors. Ga-Ne-Vu looked at his army. They all looked sleepy, and itchy.

"Grab your spears," Ga-Ne-Vu said. They did so. "Now get into formation," they did that too but with less enthusiasm than Ga-Ne-Vu wanted. "Alright, now move out," the march began. They left their few supplies right where it layed, thinking it might slow them down.

At one point they began heading the wrong way. "It's this way!" Ne-Gok-Sa had shouted. They would make it there today. Through a forest, around a river, over a puddle, they went pretty far. Then they got there. Pretty close at least, to Utgar's capital city. The center of his empire.

"Remember the plan," Ne-Gok-Sa said. "Once they open the door for you spread out along the edges of the city so we can invade. Then guard the gate for help, then later help invade the center building. Got it?" Ga-Ne-Vu's reply was delayed, "Got it," Ga-Ne-Vu finally said.

The Drones and Ga-Ne-Vu approached while Ne-Gok-Sa's army stayed a ways back. "We wish to enter, to report to Utgar," Ga-Ne-Vu said to the Minions guarding it. "Very well, open the gate!" the minion replied. They oppenned the gate. "Now," Ga-Ne-Vu said at almost a whisper level. "Aaah!" they screamed as they charged in, trying their best to stay in formation. They ran and slice the guarding Minions, and then ran to the edges of the city killing all in their way.

In Utgar's palace, the center building a kyrie reports. "Utgar, you've got to see this! They are attacking!" he said. Utgar ran up to a balcony, Runa who was with him followed. Up there they saw the Drones running, like they were crazy murderers. "What are they doing?" asked Runa. It took Utgar 'til he saw Ne-Gok-Sa and his army approaching aswell. He became angry, very, very angry. "Release the orcs!"

See Valhalla like never before:
Airborne Elite in the
BYZANTINE CAVE...
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  #22  
Old November 16th, 2007, 07:25 AM
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hi1hi1hi1hi1 hi1hi1hi1hi1 is offline
 
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It was good, you changed tenses a couple of times and your pronouns sometimes did not agree, but still I got the message.

It's pretty impressive that there weren't many mistakes, because I know I can barely function this early in the morning, let alone right cohesive thoughts. Good job. It looks like the next chapter will be a huge battle scene, yummy!

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  #23  
Old November 16th, 2007, 08:20 AM
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Metaknight Metaknight is offline
 
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huh, not the best with that stuff.

See Valhalla like never before:
Airborne Elite in the
BYZANTINE CAVE...
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  #24  
Old November 16th, 2007, 02:26 PM
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Akralon Akralon is offline
 
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I've been reading a lot of other stories for some time, but I reluctantly admit I haven't given much feedback (shame on me.)

So, firstly, you are very creative and I applaud your originality in creating a story of rebellion within the ranks of Utgar, rather than the typical Jandar vs Utgar or Einar vs Utgar.

The drones are actually funny to follow. A battle between marro and orc will be interesting.

As words of advice, I'd say a couple things (besides typical grammar that everyone usual needs revisions to fix) that caught my attention were speech and sound effects.

You may find it more entertaining to get more specific in speech - by that I mean reflect marro personality (or lack thereof). For example, a vicious warlord who kills those who fail would be less likely to ask whether or not they understand his orders, rather than simply telling them to do it and expecting results. Also, they probably wouldn't call anyone "Sir" or congratulate each other on jobs well done, as some of the more civilized races might.

As for sound effects, it's perfectly fine to use a word like Bang or Crack, but you don't need quotation marks, and often it simplifies too much. Try explaining how something sounds as well as 'wording it'. It offers another dimension to the story since the only real soundtrack is the one you provide.

But again, those are just suggestions. The story is good, original, and keeps a light quick pace for easy reading. Keep writing.
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