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Old February 24th, 2011, 09:40 PM
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College Admissions Essay Help

Below is my essay for my college admission. If any one would like to revise it for grammar, better word choice, poor word choice, spelling, and over all on topic feel, I would appreciate it. I have done revising my self, but a second pair of eyes may catch something i did not.
I am in my senior year and applying for college. I am SWAMPED but I have some big plans for when I start posting again, a side note if anyone cares.

Jeffrey Joyce
Undergraduate Admission Essay

Tell us about your passions and interests and how they contribute to your personality.

Children require a strong influence in their lives to develop into the individuals they become. These influences may include people, places, or activities. At the age of fourteen I completed my Eagle Scout award for the Boy Scouts of America. At the age of seventeen I completed the Silver Palm award for the Boy Scouts of America. Between those three years I attended Columbine high school as a subpar (grade wise) student. But excelled in the DECA program, getting state qualification my first year by being able to adapt to and understand the problematic business situations the judges presented to me. But the time I should have spent in my other schoolwork was spent in my affixation and communication with my main influence, a Boy Scout camp. This camp contains 5000 plus acres of wilderness and over 5000 youth that camp there in the summer. It is at this place that I fell in love with the land and wish to take that love and use it to rehabilitate this world in as many ways as possible.
As an employee of Peaceful Valley Scout Ranch you have one job description. This is to teach a merit badge to 4 groups of youth for an hour and a half a day each. You have one goal, to have these youth realize how important it is to use the land we have and to take charge as leaders of the community to protect it. Of all three of my years spent at Peaceful Valley, I have worked at a lodge called Scoutcraft. At this lodge I have clocked over 200 hours teaching Wilderness Survival, Camping, Hiking, Emergency Preparedness, Orienteering, and Pioneering Boy Scout merit badges. In all of these hours I have been outside with rain, hail, bears, tornadoes, and clear skies. To say the least the best times of my life have been had at this camp, between the hard work, the natural environment, and the amazing people; I have developed a caring and hard working personality. In addition I have developed my strengths as an excellent leader, friend maker, and workaholic all due to my completion of the Eagle Scout award, Silver Palm, and roughly entire man-year of labor at Peaceful Valley. All of this has made me a passionate, caring, and thrifty individual. It is this personality and the love for the natural world that I have ascertained that has led me to apply to Alaska Pacific University.
Your Outdoor Studies degree and I would be a perfect match. I have only a sliver of knowledge of the skills and activities that can be done in the natural world. With admission to your university, I will obtain all of the skills I need to achieve my personal goal in life. That goal is to travel the world, assisting and educating as many people as I can in those same skills. Because maybe then they will develop the same love of the land that I have and in result take a little better care of it.

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Old February 25th, 2011, 01:27 AM
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Re: College Admissions Essay Help

Hey man, you may remember me from NHSD (that guy from Utah).

I was ultra nervous about my essay for college admission as well, so I hope to be able to help. I will only try to make some general suggestions because I tend to try to transform other people's work into my own if I get too specific.

In my opinion, the first paragraph doesn't have a strong idea and needs one, but the second paragraph is very good. The second paragraph 1) gives an interest -working at a scout camp 2) gives some details about that interest- bears and outdoors situations(which make the essay more interesting) 3) then says that the interest has helped you build certain attributes- passion, hard work etc. The third paragraph has that great first sentence, but the goal in life could be restated a little more clearly(do you really plan to travel the world teaching people?).

I would suggest you try to rework the first paragraph to be more specific to the prompt, and more centered on you(but not on the sub-par grades you think you have). Keep most of the second paragraph, and maybe build the third into a conclusion that binds the point of paragraph one and two together in addition to what it already includes.

Good luck man. I hope this was helpful.
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Old February 27th, 2011, 01:31 AM
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Re: College Admissions Essay Help

Umm...I doubt chief is looking into performing any of your suggested activities when he's supposed to be writing a college essay. Extra Credit doesn't apply here either.

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Old February 27th, 2011, 08:29 AM
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Re: College Admissions Essay Help

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Originally Posted by flameslayer93 View Post
Umm...I doubt chief is looking into performing any of your suggested activities when he's supposed to be writing a college essay. Extra Credit doesn't apply here either.

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Old February 27th, 2011, 02:11 PM
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Re: College Admissions Essay Help

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Originally Posted by Neo View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by flameslayer93 View Post
Umm...I doubt chief is looking into performing any of your suggested activities when he's supposed to be writing a college essay. Extra Credit doesn't apply here either.
Not sure if you were on last night, a spamBot making a ruckus. And then me messing with it.

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Old February 28th, 2011, 12:31 AM
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Re: College Admissions Essay Help

I agree that the introduction and the conclusion need a bit of work. I would also suggest you expound on how these events, and or accomplishments, have helped developed you and in what ways that has occurred.

"While completing the requirements for my Eagle Scout Merit Badge I learned leadership and communication skills. I had to... example example."

"I believe the impact that your school would have on my life could be equal to that of the experiences I have had at camp."

Are there any other questions on your essay or just this one?

Anyway its just a suggestion. How well you can articulate who you are and why you want to be enrolled at a particular institution will be helpful to you.

By the way I'm a camp director in Alabama so I know quite well the impact and life lessons you can have at camp! Good luck with your essay.

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