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Old May 18th, 2007, 07:14 PM
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Fuzzie Fuzz Fuzzie Fuzz is offline
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THE FALL OF THE VALKYRIE

THE FALL OF THE VALKYRIE

Prologue
It had been 10 years now that the Valkyrie had ruled Valhalla. They had summoned troops upon troops upon troops. However, Jandar was worried. Utgar was becoming more and more powerful. The only good thing was that spies had reported that he would be coming to observe the coming battle. Jandar selected his most trusted soldier to carry out a secret mission. If he failed, he would definitely die, and the war would be lost.

Chapter 1: The Battle for the Wellspring Fanlar

Two armies faced on opposite sides of the wellspring known as Fanlar. On one, there was an army comprised of humans, kyrie, omnicrons, Dzu-Teh, and a great ice dragon. On the other were marros, orcs, all types of hideous beasts, and Mimring, the fire dragon. There was a calm, much like the calm before a storm. A small figure in Jandar’s troops saw, high on a cliff overlooking the wellspring, a great, red, winged shape, obviously believing he would be safe. No fliers could fly as high as Lord Utgar. Sergeant Drake Alexander grinned. He wouldn’t need to fly up. A hoarse cry rose up, and the armies smashed together. Drake was still staring up at the figure on the cliff, but he was broken out of his reverie by a couple of marro drones trying to stab him with their spears. He slashed at one, then spun around and decapitated the other. Two bodies fell beside him. He ran forward towards the cliff, hoping to stay unnoticed, which was not hard. He ducked as Mimring soared over him, blowing fire at a hoard of Dzu-Teh. He finally reached the cliff, panting. He hefted his grapple gun, pointed it at the top of the cliff, and fired.
Utgar stood on his cliff, watching the battle, a slim smile creeping across his face. The battle was going well. He was glad he had forgiven Ki-Mo-Shi, for she was proving her worth. Suddenly a spiked disk shot up in the air and planted itself firmly in the ground at his feet. He stared at it, uncomprehending, until a figure shot up the rope attached to it.
“Hello, Utgar. I am Sergeant Drake Alexander, and I’ve come to kill you.” And with that, Utgar’s head, wearing an expression of shock, fell to the ground.
“All who remain loyal to Jandar, rejoice! For today and forever, Utgar has lost!” At this, the battle began to turn. Jandar’s troops were emboldened by Utgar’s death, while Utgar’s were horrified. Any who had any sense turned from the battle field and fled.
“Now, how to get down…”



This is a fan fic I started on the spur of the moment. Comments are appreciated. I have an idea for another way of playing HS that this will lead up to, but I want to finish this backstory and refine the rules. I'll do more when I have time, and again, comments are appreciated!

Grinnell College '16
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Old May 19th, 2007, 11:11 AM
heroscapewanabchamp heroscapewanabchamp is offline
 
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Cool story..thanks!

If you dont have a ps3........... buy one.
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Old May 19th, 2007, 12:03 PM
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Chimpy Chimpy is offline
 
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A fight between Utgar and Drake would be cool.

And here is where my inner critic comes out. You have too many sentences that go on and on and on, and you use all of these commas where you should just start a new sentence, and it would probably sound more descriptive that way as long sentences make one feel all stretched and dragged out.

See what I am saying? You have to mix up the length of you sentences. Also don't make sentences both descriptive and reactionary. For example, n this sentence:

A small figure in Jandar’s troops saw, high on a cliff overlooking the wellspring, a great, red, winged shape, obviously believing he would be safe.

Just eliminate the part about Jandar’s troops seeing him. Since you have Sgt. Drake thinking about how to get up there, we can assume that he has seen Utgar.

Fuzzie, these are all just flow issues. The ideas behind the story are fine. Keep it up.
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