I only spotted one typo:
Quote:
His fished smashed into Gilbert’s armor
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Pretty sure you mean fist there. It did take me a moment; for a second I thought he was smacking Gilbert with a dead fish, which did create a funny picture in my mind.
In terms of pure writing style, there were a few lines which were a bit jarring to read, such as:
Quote:
Sir Gilbert sneered, thrusting his sword and drawing blood from Malone’s shoulder. Rage filled his core, the betrayal fueling hatred he’d never felt before.
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Quote:
White-hot pain seared his side as Gilbert thrust his sword through his stomach.
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In both these cases, the object of the pronouns wasn't super clear, more in the first example than the second. In both cases, one of the 'his's refers to Malone, but on a first reading, they seem to refer to Gilbert.
There's no hard and fast rule about how to handle this. My best suggestion would be to simply read quality stories as much as possible; you'll eventually assimilate good writing habits and do them by instinct.
A few other minor nitpicks: I couldn't tell what side Deltacron was on until he died. Now there is a line at the end of the second paragraph:
Quote:
There was no pain, only glory for the alliance, and punishment for this betrayal.
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... But this doesn't work for two reasons. Firstly, not having followed VC, I don't know what side Deltacron/Malone are on (this being fan fiction, one could argue that I should have done proper homework before reading, but I would counter-argue that a writer should never assume his readers have done so, and always explain things himself).
Secondly, the above line doesn't really connect to anything. What is it talking about? Deltacron has no pain? Malone has no pain? What betrayal? And... wait, why was Malone firing at Deltacron if they were allies? I'm actually confused now...
But enough with the criticisms. I do like you're style. It's rough around the edges, and could certainly use some work in the field of explanations, but it moves right along, dragging the reader in nicely.
There isn't a big focus on emotions or internal thinking, but neither does there need to be in such a short piece. The actions of the characters are perfectly sufficient to show the reader where their minds are at, and let him fill in the gaps.
I like also your description of the setting; I had a little trouble visualizing it, and feel like a tad more description could go a long way, but the groundwork is there, and the bits about Malone standing in the water of the aqueduct were very well done.
Overall, I'd be interested to see more of your writing. Keep it up!