[Akralon]

Ladies and Gentlemen of the 'Scaper type, long and arduous has the work been, and pushed to the brink of sanity have my crew and I been. Yet, alas, our work is finally done.

I am talking about the rennovations to the cave. After the disaster with Grimnak's T-rex, we decided that if we're going to bring on a fire-breathing dragon - and a particularly nasty one at that - it might be a good idea to make some preparations to avoid similar set destruction and intern consumption.

We've constructed a magical barrier, drawn from the power of the fifteenth wellspring, that will protect me from any nastiness brought about by our future guests. I have the ability to dissipate and recharge the 'walls' as I see fit. So don't worry, I know how tense things can sometimes get, and I wanted to let you know you don't have to be so stressed out with concern for my welfare any longer.

That said, we have one of the most famous heroes in all Valhalla about to grace us with her silver-winged presence. It's been a long time coming, but I know the wait was worth it. Also, we have Mimring enroute to be here afterward. We'll have an intermission after this interview where Chimpy, Pumpkin King, Agent of Vydar and Einar Gen can give us an update on the rescue mission for the mindshackled Beldun. I was just telling my crew that I thought it'd be funny if he was a mindless minion of such feral savagery that in trying to rescue him, there were forced to kill him instead. I laughed, but the crew didn't think it was very funny. Bad taste, they said.

Ah well. Can't please everyone. Oh wait, what's this? She's here early!

Why, Raelin! Spectacular to make your acquaintance. Judging by the look of disgust on your face, the pleasure is all mine.

(She feigns a smile, sits delicately on the gray sofa we made to look like a moss covered rock. Apparently we should've invested in some incense, or at least scented candles... Note to self: Aromatherapy)

Soooo... how've you beeeen?

I've been scouting through the Ticalla jungles for weeks. I've watched putrid slime covered corpse-like marro Drudge ambush and slaughter moon-children. I've witnessed the disgusting pulsing and throbbing of a marro Hive as it regurgitated the oozing sacks that drones claw their way out of at birth. I could go on, but it looks like you've gone a little green in the face.

What? Me? Oh no, I just had some indigestion. Let's come back to Ticalla. Your name - Raelin. The closest equivalent is the English "Raelyn." Now, it is an English compound, "Rae" meaning ewe, and "Lyn" meaning lake. So, together, it could be said your name means Lake of the Female Sheep. What are your comments on this?

I'm from Valhalla, not England. My name means "Bringer of Piercing Justice". Why do you think I was given the Spear of Gerda. It was foretold before my birth that I should carry the weapon.

Yeah, let's talk about that. The "Spear of Gerda"??? Okay, for those who don't know, Gerda is a Dutch name (taken from the German Gertrude) which means....

Can you guess? Can you?

If you guessed "Spear" - you guessed right!

So you are, in fact, wielding the Spear of "Spear". Refreshingly original, eh? Like say, naming a giant Jotun. Which means... yes... Giant.



But I digress. Some of our audience members have complained about the spear not being, how shall I say... structurally sound? I mean it appears to be made out of iron or steel or some kind of metal. This would lead one to believe it would be straight and sturdy. However, it often appears twisted or bent at odd angles - almost as if you crammed a plastic model into a drawer full of other plastic models and let it sit for a long time, bent at an odd angle.

Munthor... I have many responsibilities to Jandar, none of which are being fulfilled while I sit here listening to your incoherent babbling. Could we please discuss something relevant?

So asking why your feet are so small is out of the question?

Valkyrie women have narrow, elegant feet.

And the wings? What is it with Jandar's female valkyrie? I mean, I know what those things are capable of. I've seen Archangel in action plenty-o-times. I've noticed that neither you nor Kelda have shot slivers of shining shrapnel raining down on your enemies, incidentally. What's the point then. You obviously don't get an armor bonus for it.

We're working on that. The slicing, shooting slivers of silver, I mean. These aren't natural silver, you should know. (she flexes her wings). It is a complicated alloy that is remarkably light.

Makes sense. It would, after all, be rather difficult to fly with hulking masses of metal on your back. But at least your feet wouldn't factor into the weight equation.

So, let's move on from the trivial things and into the more important topics of interest. I've seen you're working on a new book, entitled, "The Dark Side: There and back again." I didn't know you liked to write.

I don't. Sgt. Drake is doing the writing, I'm just dictating.

So I've heard.

Excuse me?

I said - Oh my word. I can't wait to read it! Can you give us a little taste? A little insider's scoop? Maybe an excerpt or something. Or, at the very least, a brief synopsis?

Of course. I'm putting this together for the benefit of those mindshackled in the duration of the war. There are a lot of myths about the subject, and I'm hoping to dispel most of them.

Such as?

That they are beyond redemption. I certainly wasn't. If anything, it made me stronger. My mind is sharper... more aware. There's an acuteness to the psychic forces that wasn't there before. I've also been physically enhanced.

(I stare at her chest.) Very true.

It isn't without its cost, though. I fear the power of the Spear of Gerda suffered while in my possession while I was under evil's control. The strength of the field has been permanently weakened. It is truly tragic to see such a wonderful artifact damaged in such a way. I cannot help but feel some guilt, though there was little I could do.

What about emotions. Surely while you were possessed by those dark forces you felt other... things, as well, right? I mean, the kind of raw lust evil often exhibits. Did you feel burning passion for sensual pleasure and fulfillment?

(Her look hardens, and I'm almost sorry I asked. Almost.)

(When no answer comes, rather than take the tactful approach - acknowledging she is uncomfortable and dropping the subject, I push onward with renewed vigor. This is the entertainment industry, after all, and we have no shame or sense of decency.)

It's clear from your reddening cheeks that you were assaulted by overpowering visions of erotic ecstasy. Probably a lot of flesh and sweat and flames in the background - kinda thing. Right? So my next question is this - was it Drake - as we all know your thoughts are on when you're "sober". But what about when you were evil-drunk with power? Was it still Drake? Or was it.. say... Concan? Or better yet - Jandar!?

For a kyrie, you show little respect, social etiquette, or any kind of conversational manners at all. I find it hard to believe you are Thormun's son. And that little stunt you pulled with the "extra wellsprings" was very low class. It was a severe waste of our time.

Don't change the subject.

I refuse to speak of it.

Do you detail it in your book?

No.

Really? That's just disappointing. I think I'm gonna have to boycott this book.

You hear that Crew?! Anyone caught reading this book will be fired on the spot. Especially INTERNS!!!

What do you think about that. If you refuse to include the truth, I'll refuse to allow it to be read.

That's extremely childish.

Neener neener.

This is outrageous. I was told this show was helping raise moral among 'Scapers fighting the war. For that reason alone I came. Even Thormun agreed I should go. I see the apple has fallen far, far from the tree. I pity Thormun for having to endure your antics.

Aw can it. You take yourself too seriously. I don't know... I'm starting to see what Drake said...

(Her expression changes to one of part suspicion part reluctant curiosity, which she tries unsuccessfully to mask).

What did Sgt. Drake say?

Ahhh... wouldn't you like to know...

I don't have patience for games, Munthor.

Yup, he was definitely right.

I demand to know what he said!

Pushy, pushy. (I debated making something up about Kelda being nicer, softer... more womanly, but quickly decided against it. I didn't want three people pissed off at me.) Look, Rae, can I call you Rae? (Her frown tells me 'no' but I ignore it and continue.) The biggest drama in 'Scapeland is this hinted love. You aren't on opposing armies, from feuding families or even different gangs. There's not even a love triangle! But for some reason, people are actually interested. Don't ask me. I don't know. They're giddy with anticipation. It's all very pakilig, if you ask me.

At any rate, just out with it already! Please, please, please, I beg you - put an end to my suffering. Answer their friggin questions!!! You know that if you don't I'm going to start spinning bogus propaganda that will fill your life with sensational garbage.

Sgt. Drake and I... are... talking.

...

...

...

What?

And?

And what? We're talking. That's it.

That's NOT it. And what's with the "Sgt. Drake"? Do you actually call him Sergeant to his face? Or when you're in bed? (Oops, that slipped out.)

I have NOT slept with him! And yes, I acknowledge his rank. It is proper.

You have issues, you know that? I don't know what you're afraid of, but you are an emotional Fort Knox. I do hope Ol' Drake will be able to loosen you up. Figuratively speaking of course.

You are disgusting.

I said figuratively! Let's change the subject. What's your favorite song? There, that's a nice easy one.

I enjoy Vespertillio.

What in Hel is that?

It is the first song on the Batman Begins soundtrack.

There was a mission in which we dropped the Airborne Elite and Sgt. Drake behind enemy lines. They quickly moved through the scattered scouting parties of gruts, efficiently taking them out, providing cover as Sgt. Drake raced towards the locked gate. As he reached it, he was approached by Krug. But not having time for a fight, he grapple-gunned around the troll, up to the gate where he sliced the chains holding it closed. When the gate crashed to the earth, the full might of Jandar's forces stormed the battlefield - led by legions of marching knights and rifleman, followed by soaring sentinels filling the skies and charging Templar thundering through the gates. It was a mighty mighty moment in Jandar's history. For whatever reason, the song Vespertillio seems to be composed to tell just that story.

That's very interesting. Especially how you came to hear a song from Batman in the first place...

One of the Omnicron was playing it on his internal Ipod. He downloaded it from Agent Adams. The Krav Maga agent has a large collection of movie soundtracks.

Yes, I've heard he's a big Hans Zimmer fan.

Who?

Nevermind. So, Vespertillio it is, for those curious.

Before we draw to a close, I'd like to go a bit deeper. It's a new thing I've been trying to implement. You know, the gritty details.

Like, do you have any siblings? Where did you grow up? How're your parents? What's your favorite hobby?

My family was slaughtered by a roving band of minions. I survived because I hid. Jandar's forces found me and he raised me up like his own daughter. That is why I feel such strong loyalty to the cause. To me, it isn't just an army. It's a family.

I don't know that I have any 'hobbies'. I train for battle. Sometimes I sing.

You sing? Now here's a more humane trait. What kind of song do you sing? Love songs?

Oh, I don't know. I'm not all that good. Kelda has taught me some songs that I like. I sing them once in awhile, when I'm alone, mostly. Though, occasionally I will sing for the Tarn. They beg and beg me for song. I suppose it reminds them of their homeland, for whenever I sing, they seem to grow calm and a far off look develops in their eyes.

I'm really warming up to this new gentle singing Raelin. Anything else? Any other passtimes or interests? I eat this stuff up.

(She smiles faintly. I think her hard shell is cracking ever so slightly. Must be my lightning wit and charming demeanor. Probably not, but I'll take credit anyway).

I am a lover of nature, that is one thing. I enjoy the mountains and the woods, the rivers and the lakes. When I was a girl, Jandar used to take me gungan hunting. It was one of my favorite things to do.

Gungan hunting? Not sure I've heard of it...

Gungans are amphibious creatures mistakenly summoned into Laur. The summoners were trying to summon Gungnir, which is the spear of a hero named Odin. Apparently one of the scribes had been drinking and mispelled the word on the incantation. Instead of Gungnir, he scrawled Gungan.

They are loud, obnoxious, senseless and utterly without purpose, and what's worse, they breed like rabbits. So we take to hunting them down whenever we see them spring up somewhere. It's become quite a sport. They aren't as challenging as some other beasts, but sometimes they can be crafty, if only accidentally. I think we've just about got them all, hopefully. But one can never tell, they are like cockroaches.

Now that I speak on it, I recall one particular outting where I had cornered an unusually annoying gungan wearing embroidered clothing! Can you believe it? A Gungan wearing fancy clothing! I remember him blathering something about "jedi" before I impaled his head with my spear. Their language is mostly jibberish, you know.

Singing and hunting Gungan. Who would've known? Well, now we do. Thank you for showing us a little of Raelin of the Spear's other, softer side. Do you knit or bake by the way.

(Her grip tightens on her spear and her eyes flash. Arg. The wall just went back up.)

I guess not. We'll finish with one last inquiry then it'll be time for our interlude.

Why date a man like Drake, when you could have Zelrig, who is an emperor? A Dragon emperor.

Having relations with beasts is a grotesque perversion of nature and is punishable by death.

Yeah, those dragon scales look like they'd hurt, too. I can't say the babies would be pretty, either.

Well, there you have it, folks. Raelin the Resolute. Raelin the Merciful. Raelin of the Spear. Raelin the Blonde Beauty Queen.

Oh stop it.

We'll take this interlude now, while we bring in the bronze dragon Mimring, and setup our 'defences'. I'll turn it over now to our rescue crew.

Chimpy, Pumpkin King, Agent of Vydar, and Einar Gen: How goes the mission?