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Old March 4th, 2021, 10:49 PM
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TheAverageFan TheAverageFan is offline
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Re: Valkyrie - A HeroScape Fan Fiction

Okay finally caught up & finished.

As usual your writing skills stand out to me: things like "the words tumbled out of her mouth" are so visual and strike me as things I myself would never come up with as a writer. I also appreciated the magic system you created for its simplicity--it was mostly in the background but referenced just often enough so that I never forgot it existed. And it was a nice tie-in to the Kyrie Auras in the game.

I also thought the POV thing really got smoother as it went and over time I started to enjoy the Runa chapters even more than the Utgar ones. I also liked the character of Kirav and it was nice that a character as minor as him got to be the one to beat the boss at the end

As far as twists go none were story-recontextualizing level, but I enjoyed the revelation with Taelord finally revealing everything that was going on to explain the mystery. That part was like The Departed

There were a few things that bothered me: The fact that we never really see Runa interact with Ahnvad considering what he did to her. She really freaked out over the other guy who tortured her but every time Ahnvad shows up she's just already unconscious. Obviously they can't interact that much because she'd just melt his face but I'd have liked to have at least seen some POV from her regarding him at some point in the climax.

And then there was Taelord enacting his plan once Runa tells him where the Wellspring is at, when to me it seemed that she was just saying whatever she could to keep him alive. She had no way of knowing what she said was true, and I assume most people would rule out her home's water because there was no indication that Utgar was a Valkyrie at that time. I guess it's part placebo? The rules of the wellspring waters weren't particularly clear to me. How did Ahnvad seal it; how can he seal it when he doesn't really know where it is? How does he know that Utgar's powers would kill everyone in the cave? Has he seen a Lyr Valkyrie before?

And then like the first story this feels like the end of the first Act of a much larger story. Utgar is a villain: I wanna see how he becomes the chiefest of the evil Valkyrie in Heroscape. Tell me the story you tease ...Ok, those expectations are my own fault, but seeing these characters as heroes while the story is ongoing does make the reader occasionally reflect on Heroscape canon and go "I wonder how we get from here to there..."

Anyway it was an improvement over the first story by no small amount, and I was glad to have something Heroscape to read again. Maybe one day I'll actually write something Thank you for sharing.

~TAF, 7/10

TAF was the Storyteller...
in THE ENEMY'S LAST RETREAT

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