Our Next C3G Member of the Week is...... Matt Helm!!!!
What is your favourite part about being an ERB Member?
The floor was hard and the temperature was purposely cold. If they knew anything about trying to get info from an egotist, they would have tried to sweeten me up with some comfortable conditions before starting with the questions. Then again, maybe they were smart enough to know that it didn’t matter once the injection started racing through my veins.
Although I could feel the haze coming over me, I had prepared for the possibility of interrogation. I ingested the prescribed cocktail mix only hours before they picked me up and graciously asked me to get in the back of the van ahead of the German Lugar so pleasantly applied to the small of my back.
The first question was the usual soft introductory type, trying to lull me into their zone by insinuating the job had positives.
“Huh,” I think I rolled my eyes but the drugs did slow me down even with the counteragent in my system, “I could say it was the money, the dames, or even the thrill of danger, but somehow I don’t think you would believe me.”
“So I’ll play nice and tell you that it is the chance to meet and converse with the others sick enough to work in the C3G, yet not have any of the mundane back breaking workload of the sorry field agents that actually make the machine go. I simply swoop in when needed, and apply my… shall we say… ‘touch’, where requested.”
Do you like that ERB Members now only have to do Sanctum design reviews? Why?
“Listen pal, I’m not sure you know who you’re talking to here, but if you do have the right guy and you took the time to do a little research, you wouldn’t even bother asking me that.”
A slap across the face is usually more palatable when she’s wearing a low cut dress and you know that she’s just finding an excuse to initiate physical contact. But when it comes from a badly dressed circus monkey with the boney hands, it just doesn’t seem as fun.
“What I was getting at Curious George,” I stated as I licked the blood from my lower teeth, “is that I make no mystery of the fact that although I make my living in this game, I also try to be as efficient as possible. That means, not getting tied down on assignments out in the public with too many bystanders. Instead, I get to have a cozy one on one moment with the person on the receiving end of my ‘message’. Besides, I can also take my time before completing the job without the whole community taking notice. So short answer is yeah, who needs to get me involved in public threads.”
Do you believe any C3G unit was "Perfect"?
He must have thought that it was time for the serum to take full effect. The usage of the word ‘perfect’ almost made me chuckle, but somehow, with the drugs only at half effect, I was able to play along.
“Perfect?” I asked, “You mean like Plastic Man? Boy the Lead Designer on that one must have been an absolute geni…”
This time the punch came from the other brute lurking so quietly on my right. My head was knocked hard into the side of the van and the sound echoed through its metallic bay. The drugs were enough to make me forget where we were, and even mask the motion of the driving van, but as a professional, I should have never let my mind lose track of all opponents.
It made no difference, and in fact the reminder was what I needed.
“Perfect is a funny word,” I said as I rubbed the side of my head, “Was the first Die Hard movie perfect? Was the 1986 World Series Perfect? Was Ms. July 2008 perfect?”
The big brutes hand rose up again.
“Bad examples as those nearly were perfect. But that’s mainly because I have enjoyed each of those again and again, even if just by memory, to reinforce and relive that memorable first time experience.”
The arm cocked and he was ready to strike.
“Ok, maybe not over and over with the Bunny, but you get the point. ‘Perfect’ is not something I think is achievable, especially when I have to rule out “Flying Symbol” bearers from the highest level of ‘perfect’. Therefore, if I had to pick the closest to perfect, it may be non fliers such as Grundy, Robin or Huntress.
For which figures do you like your Comic Customs over the C3G versions?
I wasn’t sure if he thought the drugs were working in full effect, or maybe he himself had dabbled in an injection or two from the open case of serums he had laid out in front of him. Mama Helm’s little egomaniac prides himself on being very stubborn about his custom designs, and this clown should have known that. I started to think that this was a trap question intended to see if my wall had broken down by the combination of chemicals and swift blows to the head.
“My customs?” I asked innocently, “I thought this little get together was about some sort of C3G organization you keep ranting about. Listen pal, my head hurts, my vision is cloudy, and I don’t know whether I want to vomit all over myself or give your big buddy here a nice emotional hug.”
“I just don’t feel like myself right now,” I played along, “But if I were the type that created my own customs, I hope I wouldn’t waste my time creating anything that couldn’t compete with the quality of this C3G project. That just seems silly.”
“Now of course, at the risk of intensifying my headache, I could try to iron this out a bit. Let’s just say that someone found a way to appeal to a different market with their custom offerings. If these customs were based on the same original source material, but were intended to fill a different niche, then both could be offered side by side with nobody having the rate one as being ‘over’ the other.”
“I hope that made sense to you because I barely understood it and Porky over here has undoubtedly been lost since the beginning of our conversation.”
The punch came swiftly and hurt even more than the last. The big guy allowed his rage to take over and followed with a second strike from the opposite hand causing his jacket to fly open just enough for me to see what I needed.
What is your favourite aspect of C3G?
“You don’t let up, do you?” I grunted with a spit of blood spraying from my mouth, “At least that’s an easy one.”
“The excitement and buzz that C3G brings to the Marvel custom section is what it’s all about. Anytime you can get that many people to discuss a portion of the game that was basically a one shot and done item, is great. Although I sometimes miss the days when the ‘regular’ Marvel customs thread was a little more active, the C3G threads do keep me curious and interested enough to keep checking in on the progress. You boys have some read-worthy banter quite often.”
2 C3G truths and 1 C3G lie.
It was another test of his magic potion effect before he got to the real question. He specifically wanted to get me in a state of compliance. I had to get him to believe I was completely compromised.
“a. I think that Event Heroes are a real creative and positive addition to scenario based scaping.”
“b. Contrary to the poll, I really think that Dr. Doom is the weakest design in the Fantastic Forces set.”
“c. Although I like to joke that I am the oldest C3G’er, I’m actually still in my 30’s.”
“d. I was the deciding vote in the C3G decision to use the Flying symbol instead of writing out the power each time.”
How did you get chosen to be an ERB member?
It was the first of his real questions. He wanted to know about my knowledge of the organization and how I was involved. Funny thing about these rookie C3Gers, they’re always nervous about their own standing in the pecking order and paranoid enough to go kidnap an agent with delusions of milking out some real information. Around here, there always seems to be an amateur to trip over.
“Don’t you read the files,” I snarled with eyes half closed. I had to still keep up the impression that the drugs were taking their full effect, but I couldn’t act completely out of character. I had a reputation and needed to play to his expectations.
“Come on man, you should know that I was involved with your little clan at the beginning but the Kool Aid ran out before the glass was passed to me. I had joined up as a voluntary sidekick because I knew my other obligations would prevent me from having time for the full needed investment. As time went on, I became even less involved as the organization grew and certainly didn’t need an old buzzard hanging around stirring up carnage at the end of a design.”
“But just as the organizational structure was changing, the self proclaimed Heroes came to an epiphany and realized that ERB reviews were exactly what I had been doing the whole time I was a sidekick. I would swing in right at the end of any discussion and drop my unwanted opinion, for better or for worse. I wouldn’t be surprised if my actions are what inspired the ERB phase. Do you think that’s egotistical of me?”
Another punch from the hulking ape allowed me to confirm my plan and time his motions. It also hurt like hell.
Which Heroscaper would you most want to play a game of C3G 'Scape against?
Another key question as he was looking for me to rat out my mole. I don’t know if the serum was affecting me or I was just getting cocky with my plan, but I felt I needed to give him the truth.
“That’s a no brainer, A3n for sure. Never mind the fact that the guy has been generous enough with his time to work with me on non C3G related projects in the HelmAverse, he’s just an awesome guy and I consider him a friend. We’re in the same age group and laugh at similar references, we have kids of the same age and wives who would rather die than play Heroscape, and we likely live semi-parallel lives on opposite sides of the globe.”
“In fact, for selfish reasons I’d insist that the game took place on his home court so that I could get a chance to see Australia. There are very few places I really would like to see before I catch that bullet with my name on it and Australia is one of them. Maybe the Egyptian pyramids, most likely Galapagos, and definitely certain parts of Italy. But Australia is right up there.”
“Besides, if I went down under, maybe I could find one of those boxing kangaroos to put Mighty Joe Ham in his place.”
I don’t think he needed much of an excuse to hit me again as he was obviously enjoying it. And that’s what made him careless.
He always led with the right hand leading me to believe he was a righty, yet his gun was worn in his pants on the right hip as if he were a lefty draw. He was more of a bruiser than a shooter so likely pulling his gun out with his left hand was only a secondary action to muscling up victims with his right. He probably wasn’t immune to a few fractured knuckles here or there so I guess a lefty draw became more natural for him somewhere along the way. There was no use in over thinking it, I had just needed to confirm its location and capitalize on his mistake.
To the brute’s surprise, I rolled with the last smack to the head and was able to pull out the gun from his waistband. Confused and startled, he instinctively drew back and flinched towards his hip, but kneeling in the back of a van was not the optimal place to avoid my counter strike.
I sprang up from the floor and came down hard on the back of his head with the butt of his own gun. I then brought my knee up to his jaw and heard the crack of bone and teeth. Before either goon could react, I brought both elbows down hard on the beast’s back and flattened him onto the bed of the truck. Again there was a cracking sound of his sternum or a few ribs.
The interrogator was frozen with sweat pouring from his brow. At six foot five, I couldn’t stand in the van but must have looked intimidating anyway as I grabbed two syringes from his case and moved into his face.
“Now where so you think I should stick these?” I asked with a grin.
“Mr. Helm… I… I…, it was Bats and Griff, they made me do it. They make us do everything. Please don’t…”
He fainted before I could apply either needle. Being of no threat to me any longer I jammed him with only one vile to keep him loopy and then turned back to sausage fingers still laying on the floor moaning in semi consciousness. I stuck him with the other needle in the back of the neck and then stuffed his own apple red tie into his mouth. I couldn’t help but chuckle at the image of what looked like a roasted boar.
“Sleep well you good pig,” I snickered.
The van stopped.
Who do you pick to be the next C3G Member of the Week?
Hopefully we had arrived at their inner sanctum as that was the intent of my plan.
“Lord Essie? Is the prisoner ready for me?” the young voice came from outside the van.
I waited, sitting with my feet up on the back door and as soon as it started to open, I kicked it with full force. The kid was knocked back and off balance so I pounced out with the gun drawn.
Surprisingly he seemed to be alone so I continued at him and drove my left shoulder into the center of his chest. The force sent him back even harder and he flew parallel to the ground ultimately slamming onto the asphalt. In one quick step I was on top of him with a knee up under his chin and the gun applied to his forehead.
His eyes didn’t open and he was out cold. It wasn’t until I stood up that I noticed the very large feathers he was clutching in each hand. I didn’t even want to think about the torture he was planning for me if I had waited any longer to make my move.
“I’m sure that didn’t tickle,” I whispered ironically in a voice to mimic that soft limey playboy who thinks he’s playing in my game.
Turning back to the van I saw that it was the passenger door that was left open so I still had to deal with the driver. Grabbing the last vile of truth serum from the back of the van, and a large feather from the young pretty boy, I shielded my face and slowly walked up to the driver’s door. Luckily it was very dark and I was counting on the driver to be clueless or at least over confident.
Just as I got up to the open window, I dropped the feather and reached in for the driver’s throat. I felt a spandex like material and knew exactly who I had just grabbed. Tugging his masked face through the window I held up the syringe and stared into his frightened eyes.
“Good to see you again Spidey,” I said with a sneer, “Now why don’t we step out of that van and have you be the next contestant to answer a few questions.
P.S. – Tickle and Good Pig – First lesson in being a C3G hero… don’t mess with Helm.