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The Real Me?

Posted August 24th, 2010 at 10:15 AM by kolakoski
Updated August 24th, 2010 at 02:38 PM by kolakoski
Well met!

When I was young, I dreamed big dreams. As a fundamentalist Christian, I dreamed of becoming a great spiritual leader (like Tevya in Fiddler on the Roof, although I had never seen it ). Later, I dreamed of being a great singer. In any event, I wanted to have the Big Adventure, win the fortune and the girl, and live happily ever after.

Unfortunately, that did not happen, at least not in the way I had hoped. Some would say that going from Gibsonia, PA to San Francisco with only $150 knowing no one, and then to New York, similarly, would be a big enough adventure.

However, I had a few flaws , and have spent my life fighting to overcome (or ignore) them.

Now I'm 60, in good shape (for my age , see Profile Picture), with a wonderful wife (with whom I am going to Jamaica for the 8th year in a row, this time to celebrate our 20th Wedding Anniversary), and a job (an artist's job, proofreading, that I have held for over 25 years). I have a remarkable vocal instrument and great knowledge of how to use it. And I enjoy the %^&* out of playing and thinking about Heroscape. I should be happy.

Yet, I am not content. I can't shake the idea that there is some Great Thing I was meant to do, if only I were not lacking in [fill in the virtue].

OK, Oh Wise Ones, I know that it is best to plan ahead, live in the moment, be responsible, dream big, everything is perfect as it is, etc. But, as my mother, the teetotaler , said after I foolishly told her about the first time I got drunk (20 years after the fact ), I can't stop periodically asking myself, "Where did I go wrong?"

[Marine DI kicks my %^&* butt off the couch ]

OK, I should be asking myself, "Where did I go right?"
Total Comments 6

Comments

Old
chas's Avatar

We Ourselves

Spiritual Tradition teaches that it is We Ourselves who judge the success of our life at the end while we're UP/DOWN THERE. So all you have to do is decide what else you want to go for, in the time and circumstances you have left.

Personally, for the short term, I recommend coming over to get your D2 Order!
Posted August 25th, 2010 at 08:14 AM by chas chas is offline
Old
kolakoski's Avatar

What "spiritual tradition" is that?

Hey chas, thanks for the kind words, but the spiritual traditions I am familiar with are pretty judgmental.
Posted August 25th, 2010 at 09:50 AM by kolakoski kolakoski is online now
Old
Sylvano the Wasabus's Avatar
For many years I thought I knew what I was to do with my life. But I got side-tracked.

I frequently now wonder "what is the purpose of life?"
I'm an odd person. Sometimes when I ask questions, I get answers. And an answer has come back to me. It's a surprisingly easy answer, and perhaps even a little inspiring. What is the purpose of life? The answer that was delivered to me is "Whatever you want it to be."

I too feel there is some "big thing" I am to do. If I look back, I have already accomplished many big things, but they are meaningless to me. Is it just genetic programing? Are we condemned to die unfulfilled? Or does our great task beckon, unknown to us?

It is hard to have the courage to open one's own eyes.
Posted August 25th, 2010 at 01:35 PM by Sylvano the Wasabus Sylvano the Wasabus is offline
Old
chas's Avatar
Ultimately, there is only one SPIRITUAL TRADITION. It comes to us from Somewhere Else. As to those who interpret it, I'd rather judge them than let them judge me...
Posted August 25th, 2010 at 05:48 PM by chas chas is offline
Old
Kaiyu's Avatar
It's never too late to devote yourself to a cause. At your colorful old age, you'd be full of wonderful, inspiring stories that could change lives. You don't need to be young to be a spiritual leader (or even a singer, if that's what you prefer ) God can use us at any age, and we often don't even see the ways that He did. Even now, if you haven't accomplished some magnificent task, there's no telling how all the little seeds planted throughout your life haven't grown to be enormous trees.
Posted August 25th, 2010 at 06:35 PM by Kaiyu Kaiyu is offline
Old
Kaemon Awasome's Avatar
"A man's steps are from the Lord, who then can understand his own way?"

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the LORD, and turn away from evil. It will be healing to your flesh, and refreshment to your bones."

Your life is the adventure. It just matters who you are journeying with. Keep your gaze on God and He will bring contentment.

Kolokaski, I've always enjoyed your posts, and admired your transparency. Sounds like you got introduced to a very rigid Christianity early on, and not the liberty of Christ. That's too bad, but it's not too late...
Posted August 25th, 2010 at 09:05 PM by Kaemon Awasome Kaemon Awasome is offline
 
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